Don't underestimate the result in sin

For all the details God teaches Israel how to worship him, memorize him, it is to see God is very care about the relationship with us. He knows us, that we easily forget. Especially in his merit and grace. We forget how great he is, how much he has done for us, how powerful he is, how much he loves us. When we don't remember always, we fall. Fall in the dark side of life. We can't win over together with him.

Secondly, it's to remind us that he is straight. We must be clean in front of him. Must! Not an optional. That's what he ask of us otherwise we are unable to get closed to him. Admit it, alert to it, avoid it, support each other to try best not to do it. Again not optional, must! Because he is purity.

Third, he is serious and so he wants us to be so too. Be serious with his command. It's not he punishes us for our sin. When we give a way to sin, we reject God to walk closely with us. Big mistake! Nothing better than have him walk closely day by day. Do not let anything to distance you from him. He will be sad and we will be missing out a lot in life - or losing our eternal life... Exodus25-29

After a prayer meeting, I have this nice long chat with sister. About career, love and sex. Never thought of talking sex with sister. I guess it's just love opens our heart and now we can just talk about anything. I reveal my weakness to her. It was kind of relief in a way. Especially she cares about me. She takes my weakness serious. I guess love can heal everything. God's love heal our sisterhood. Her love opens my heart to share with her on everything. Love is not sex or vice versa. I never know love. But I feel like knowing it better and better. One thing I realize from the chat, I am lusty and I am childish in relationship. Doing no good to my future marriage if I ever want one. Yes, I must get more equipped for my Mr. Right!

Grow up, mother!

To many people, "mother" equals to love. But to me, this word means selfish, emotional, wicked, pride, judgemental, reject, insane (sometimes), out of control, pathetic, living in the past, mentally weak, control freak, hateress. Yet, I can't explain why, there is still love for her. Only a little gesture from her representing a little nicer, my heart get softer. Even though I am pretty sure that she hurts me again, I want to give her chance. (maybe I have no choice in a mother!)

The reason talking about her again, is that she'd been a bitch again. Not to me, but to sister and my friend. Take the religious conversation personal after a church meeting and attack sister with mean phrases at a restaurant. She claims she is victim (well of course she always be) and she get really disappointed with sister and Christianity. Never want to meet sister in a short while and will surely not going to holy land with her in July after this incident. What can I say! This is so her. Like child fight.

The real cause is she is not happy with me and dad not bringing her to Japan. And she expected when she paid for the dinner, everyone should listen and agree to her preach, especially in front of her friends. I only hope her growing up one day.

Luxury Trip

I am back from tremendous Hokkaido trip. It was awesome. It's my first time and I am already looking forward to next visit in summer. Well, first going with dad is great. He always agree on what I suggest to go and eat. He always pay. The most important of all, he is happy to have a trip like this. The only thing is I gotta drive for a whole week. 2-3 hours per day in average. I love driving but the icy road is just not an good experience. Especially I don't want to put my dad's life in risk before assuring of where he goes after. We had lots of hot springs and nice food. The crab, the kobe beef, the fresh sashimi as well as sushi. They are just fantastic. The spa parts are also thrilling as we at our first time getting in a outdoor natural hot spring when it's snowing. I can find no word to describe my feeling. I just can't. Not to mention the friendly yet zero English Japanese people. They are so nice and helpful. Every services are unquestionable. Clean and considerable everywhere. We were just overwhelming. Other than spa and food, we go to a farm experiencing butter making, milk squeezing from a real cow and being a steel-grill cook. Also, we make our own glass mug and vase at a glass-making shop in Otaru. Plenty of luxury indulgent in this trip. Of course I do not miss out the shopping part. Dad already booked me for going again in summer time. I am glad we both enjoy the trip so much.

Pre-trip

Will go to a long trip tomorrow. Today, spend some time with mother. Take her to spa at a bargain price. When she is easier to be pleased and satisfied, I kind of like to be with her. It feels close, safe, comfy and girly. Glad she is still healthy enough to go here and there with me. Glad I can afford to bring her try new stuff like that.

We dine after spa. Our topic again goes to family. Eldest uncle needs heart surgery soon. Mother enjoys being needed. So she heard about this bad news and feels like doing something. Just that there are still too much bittering that I don't like. I told her, we should all be generous to love and care the needy. Especially to our family. Letting our pride to forbid our good intention is stupid. I hope she really understand.

I think God is working on her now. She agrees to go with sister to a gospel meeting. And they will go for a holyland trip in July. I think we are getting close.

I know dad is as exciting as me for the trip. I must ensure we have good time. Because dad is old and not much chance to have such long trip with him. I want him to be happy and have good memory. Also, I must tell him the gospel in full in this trip no matter he is ready or not, accept or not. I pray for courage and wisdom. And safty trip!

Instructions

Usually I either scan or skip the paragraphs with instructions. I hate details. I hate command. Hate to be forced to follow step by step and no mistake can be made. I enjoy flexibility and allow creativity. I know how important it is to set up rules for later use, instruction must be clear for everyone after to know how to worship him. But to me, it means nothing because today we do not worship like that. I guess one thing I learnt is God minds how we worship. Not just any way we like to but the way he prefers. Also, he like our total obedience that reflects our absolute faith in him. And that's what he likes. In other angle, shall we human know what to do if he didn't tell us how? Shall we do things right or we just fall into satan's trap over and over again? In the Genesis, God's instructions are very limited. Just not to eat the fruit of the life tree. Free as a bird in the garden. Instructions are good or bad? Do we really have our own thought? Are we capable of making such judgement without his rule? What is freedom? Do we know how to handle it? Exodus20+

Car crash

I want to get ready for a new start. A new pet in my life. So I see a pair of chihuahua in a petshop. All their expressions are exactly same as mine. Very cute and heartbreaking. I need more advice and time to think. I left the shop and release all my feeling at a karaoke box for hours. Before I got too exhausted, I drove myself home. I was almost there. On the last intersections, I bumped into the car in front of me. The crash woke me up from my deep thoughts of Jason. I got off and tried my best to apologized. Luckily the guy was nice enough to let me go. Must not drive for a while until I got a peaceful mind again.

Younger boyfriend?

Project done. At least I put in graphes and added in more recommandations. Kind of relief anyway. But not crazily happy!

My body is so sore. Must save energy for the Hokkaido trip next week. So I rent a korean sitcom. It is a story about how a 30 fat girl find love. Must admit it reminds me of many love stuff.

Women over 30 still looking for love. Not a good position. Usually they got some hurting experience in relationship no matter she recovers or not. Usaually the personality is not as easy as those in early 20s. Usaually they are financially independant and have certain amount of pride and self protection tendency. Some don't believe in love or marriage anymore. Some even hate men from the hurting experience. Most secretly still long for love but not able to admit it.

What other think about these 30s ladies? Some men think can take their advantage. Take them for granted because they are for sale?! Some married people envy their lives with no attachement or in other words no responsibility. Other married couples find them immature or afraid to grow up. Younger females either see them as losers or remind themselves to not be in the same situation. 30+ men prefer innocent younger choice to enhance their macho self image. In this no way out situation, younger men seem a last solution for we 30's ladies.

The problem is... how would the younger guys fall for a 30+ woman? Well, there is a few reasons. 1. no matter how mature a 30+ woman is in daily life, she is still naive when looking for love. 2. men find these women more comfortable to be with because they are more considerating. 3. men are kids and they actually looking for mother image woman. 4. Woman tends to accept more faults from man just because of his age is younger.

If they really don't mind, it will be a solution. Or if ther is LOVE cover their eyes, it will do too.

Planning a trip

Preparing intinerary to Hokkaido. A trip with dad. A first one since I am grow up. Maybe the last one...maybe... I hope not. Really want to be a nice trip. Making him happy. He is old but healthy. Thanks God. He changed a lot. I wish him happy and healthy. I really want to make sure he go to heaven. I will drive him around and plan everything in the trip. I hope I handle well and I don't get too tired for that.

Stand up with my own feet

It's almost done my dissertation but I have no feeling of achievement. How much you pay, how much you get! No exception. I am quite empty these few days. Movies and sitcom marathon. Because of emptiness inside, I sink in movies and sitcom from time to time. I rather stay in a fake world then the real life I guess. I know it's wasting time and won't do me any good. But I still let myself cos at least I am pleased during those hours. Pathetic! The real life is too painful. Went for one of the movie at french cinepanorama yesterday with cousin. She filled me up with bad news from family. Despite her mental problem, she is brave and mature in handling it. To be honest, I feel ashame. I have no idea why I have no motivation in anything. Is it simply because I am lazy? Or am I actually sick mentally? Even therapy won't change anything. Just for a short while, and then I fail again. Tiny little thing can pull me down and never be able to get up again. I hate myself to be like that. But I can do nothing. Times pass by and nothing change. I desire change and so afraid that I will be like that until I die. When can you stand up with your own feet?

Thy shall not ....

To me, God is my close friend, my father, my lover. He provides, love me, comfort me, teach me and accompany me so I won't be lonely. I hate authorities so I won't see him as Lord or king. I am happy he is the creator but I don't like to be commanded. I do whatever I want to.

In chapter 19 and 20, God ensured his role of Lord and his absolute requests from us. Either die or live, no borderline. He intentionally wanted the Israel to be afraid of him. So, they are less likely to do the wrong thing.

Because I never afraid of God, I do whatever I want to. I made tons of mistake, hurting myself. I never control myself from it. It's like swimming freely in a dirty pond. I thought it's freedom but as a matter of fact, I live in the dark.

The ten commandments God gave Israel and all of us, I have committed all. Only he knows and I know. When there is sin, you can't sleep well. Dreams keep coming up and shoulder keeps being tense after hours of sleep. No one can escape from self and God no matter how well he cheated the world.

When he says "Thy shall not..." just do it! For there is no better way for a peaceful life.

Exodus19/20

Consult selectively

When parents act like kids, their kids have to expedite in growing up. I am one good example. I don't remember I ever enjoy one second of childhood. I was always being forced to handle circumstances exceeding my ability. Well, I survive! How?

Well, when problem comes up, I deal with it all by myself. Never once I discuss with family or friends when I was a kid. Simply because friends are not trustworthy and family is never available for me. I stay calm and think through every possible situation. Eventually, I figure (1) almost all problems can be solved by money and (2) even there is not a solution, the problem will go with the time. Then, it is really unnecessary to consult others.

Now that you know how I become such a loner. No matter at work place or in relationship, I really don't see the point of letting other participate in my decision. Because I really believe I can live without anyone. Well, as long as I have money in my pocket.

But recently, I have some different thought. Sharing is fun. Discussion is interesting and stimulating. Accepting the help of others is blessing. Simply hanging out is comfy. I believe Moses was so glad to see his father-in-law for he had a right person to share and to talk with. Well, maybe, I have changed. Or maybe, the other me has awaken.

Even Moses couldn't finish the task alone. He needed Arron to speak for him. Joshua to lead the army. Arron and Hur to hold his hand when praying on the hill. Now his father-in-law to remind him of management of Israel. He couldn't do everything himself. But to decentralize authority to talented and honest people. He must trust others, hands off and let others participate.

When there is a problem, many voices appear. Not all voices we have to listen to. Only listen to the one God uses, the one who loves God and praise him, the one with experience, the one with love as intention. And most importantly, the one who direct you to go back to bible. This is very helpful to a self-centered person like me. Exodus18

Victory At Work Place

Team working in God's work

Bravo! The war with Am'alek is beautiful. There are few elements in a victory I found:

1. God on their side clearly

2. use God's chosen one; and the right person in right place (Joshua pick and lead the army)

3. a lot of pray, that is, let God leads

4. not doing alone; but in team (Arron and Hur help holding his hand when he got tired)

5. continuous and persisting intimate relationship with God (when his hand down, they lose)

6. support your team with all your effort


Leadership never easy

Moses, as a leader, was never easy. He got scolded all the time. Only very often, he was appreciated. But God is always at his side teaching him the next step. However, never once (so far I read) God comforted him alone. If this is a model of leadership, it tells us clearly that leadership in his work is totally different from in the world. We gain wealth, power, prestige and others good stuffs. But leader in him get fault-picking, challenge, disapproval, even get stoned for Moses. We may get tired, frustated, annoying, even faithless. We may use our own interpersonal skill, management tool, or give up our vision in the first place as for a solution. But in fact, the only way is to ask God for the instruction of next step. His instructions are precise that we can just follow step by step. Most important of all, keep in mind that HE is the leader not us! - Exodus17

Team working in God's work Bravo! The war with Am'alek is beautiful. There are few elements to win: 1. God on their side clearly 2. use God's chosen one; and the right person in right place (Joshua pick and lead the army) 3. plenty of prays, that is, let God leads 4. not doing alone; but in team (Arron and Hur help holding his hand when he got tired) 5. continuous and persisting intimate relationship with God (when his hand down, they lose) 6. support your team with all your effort Leadership never easy Moses, as a leader, was never easy. He got scolded all the time. Only very often, he was appreciated. But God is always at his side teaching him the next step. However, never once (so far I read) God comforted him alone. If this is a model of leadership, it tells us clearly that leadership in his work is totally different from in the world. Being leaders in the world, we gain wealth, power, prestige and others good stuffs. But leader in him get fault-picking, challenge, disapproval, even get stoned for Moses. We may get tired, frustrated, annoying, even faithless. We may use our own interpersonal skill, management tool, or give up our vision in the first place as for a solution. But in fact, the only way is to ask God for the instruction of next step. His instructions are precise that we can just follow step by step. Most important of all, keep in mind that HE is the leader, not us! -Exodus17

Let go our hand

Sabbath- it's a law to worship on the 7th day To we big city person, a day off even on Sunday is luxury. The harder we work on the weekdays, the harder we play on the weekend as for redeem. God himself does not work on the 7th day. And he requests us not to. And the day is for him not for us to take courses, meet friends, rest our body or entertain ourselves. Individualism rationalizes our lifestyle and ignoring the law. But take a second thought, it's not too much to ask by as a creator and provider. And it's a gift for us to rest in peace alive.

Manna- God, the provider He heard our complain and physical need. He provided manna for 40years. But he always reminds us that physical need is not everything. Our spirit and relationship with him are what he actually cares. So he wanted Israel not to keep manna overnight. It's to train their discipline, their loyalty, their faith in him and practising in relying on him ONLY.

Trust him or Trust ourselves Our faith is smaller than a piece of seed. I am an insecure person. Contingency is a must for every decision. Although I ask him for help, I always have my own backup plan. The world says it's smart but God doesn't. Letting go our hand and relying on him actually requires training. Bit by bit. It's torture because our hand still grabbing. Because we still believe we can. Because we still think what if... Because we are too afraid to lose. Because we don't know him enough. Because we never give him a real chance.

A man grabs a trunk of a tree when falling from a cliff. Hours later, he is exhausted. He prays for help desperately. In the end, he falls. he thinks he will die but he doesn't. Because the ground is less than one feet right under. The hours of struggling...is it smart? Is it inevitable? Exodus16

Judgemental

This wedding brings us together. There were too much unhappiness these years in our family. There are tears of course for the one in our memory. New start and hope wash away the sorrow. That's what I bless from the bottom of my heart.

I picked up mom and dad and we arrived on time. Cousin V begged me to be MC with her. I was not prepared but I wanted to support her and the wedding. So I did. It's my first time to me MC. I was not doing perfectly but I learnt some important stuff from this experience.

I was a very stressed person since I was young. I make noise with my teeth when I sleep. I hold my fist tightly unconsciously. I have lots of dream in sleep. I rely on addiction to put myself asleep. I was never a happy and open person. I never speak out my opinion. I hide my real feeling. I pay too much attention on what people think about me. I rather withdraw than risk under uncertainties. Eventually I become a passive, irresponsible person, indecisive.

But now I know it's not the real me. I am expressive. I enjoy close relationship. I like adventure and new experience. I love to laugh at everything and be relax all the time. I hate to guess and think too much on why people say or do such thing. I am a passionate person.

My personality is distorted. Because I have a judgemental mother!

When I was on the stage, I noticed I worried about what mother thought of my performance. I desired her support and approval. Other than her, I actually didn't care what other think. After the wedding, she gave me a judgemental glance showing disapproval of my speech. I had a second of bad feeling. But then I tried to get it over. I went through every words I said on the stage and started to critizise myself. What am I doing to myself? It's already over. And no one is going to see me again there. In fact, no one knows me there. It's not my time to show off ability. I was just being supportive!

Suddenly, I know. It's her! She is still a pressure to me. Whatever she said means a lot to me. Even many are prejudice and subjective. I spend life time to please her, to get her approval. And my counsellor has told me not once that it's enough! It's my choice to get out from the myth.

No wonder I hate to judge and to be judged that much. And unconsciously I become very open minded. Because I experience myself that judgement can be very destructive to a person. No one has the authority to do that to other. No one can say his judgement is absolutely right. And judgement itself is always negative, for own pleasure and great harm on other.

I am learning to release myself. But at the same time, I have to learn how to accept positive suggestion. Because no one is always right on everything. I can't just reject any comment only because my self esteem is being attacked. To get it balanced becoming a more mature and wise adult is what I like to achieve.

Cousin's Wedding

Today is a special day. The first cousin in our family get married. I have a big family. 5 aunties, 3 uncles and 18 cousins. We are quite bonded when we were young, when grandma is here. I am one of the elder seeing them grow up. But I was never too closed to them for I left the country long time ago. I always regret that.

Since when, I heard problems coming up in each family. Affairs, money, crime, etc. The most heardbreaking one is ... my little cousin killed herself. She was only 19 and she was under medication on depression. It was about 5 years ago.

When grandma left, it was very hard for all of us. Grandma is a very tough woman with very kind heart. She is the muse, the center, the bond to us. I love her old stories, her life philosophy, her comfort when mother beat me up, love chatting with her about everything. She always encourage me never once being negative.

I guess her leaving is not easy for all of us. We met less after. Less love in the family. More problem comes up. She loves every grandkids. If she knows Tingting is gone like that, she would be ..... or she would not let that happen.

The groom is the elder brother of Tingting. The wedding day is her birthday - the 22th of November. Every family members (still in hong kong) will go tonight. Bring in some happiness to the family after all. There is a scene in my dream...... that just like the old time when we were all kids. We can always be there in each gathering. Grandma is busy in preparing food. Aunts and uncles are busy in playing marjong and chichating. We kids are busy playing creative but silly games. Laugh spreads everywhere in the house... Everyone is there...

Praise, no matter what

This is a chapter of praise. Israels saw and experienced the work of God. They couldn't stop expressing their praise to him. His power, his strength, his Almighty's, his distinction. They praised, gave thanks, assured God, shout out loud that they trust him with joy.

Sister told me many times that worship and praise is very important. Only that we worship the Lord is happy and pleased. When we praise, satan has to escape. When our mouth and heart praise the lord, we no longer focus on the world and ourselves but God himself. We can see more clearly for the circumstances. Holy spirit comforts our soul. No matter delightful or depress, praise!

God adores King David. Although he committed sin, he always praise and take God's words seriously. He has a very close relationship with God. The problem is to praise right after seeing him is easy. But to keep praising no matter what is hard. We are man with little faith. Or I am. When I see there is no water for 3 days, I will defintely complain too (just like the israel).

Why some people have big faith and some don't? I believe it's their growing background. People bitter as me, will always untrusted and jealous. They will never have a free and joyful heart. It is pathetic. God can changes me a bit. But only I let him to. The bitter roots at me and hard to wash away. I want to be able to praise all the time from he bottom of my heart. Exdous15

The 35th French Cinepanorama

35th French Cinepanorama in Hong Kong this year started next week. Despite my dissertation's deadline, I can't stop myself from getting the tickets. mmmm very much looking forward to it... Love movie since I was young. Movies, cure depress. Create a world for hiding away to. Teach various perception of life. Make dream comes true. Encourage to think deeper. Balance the mood. Foreign movies especially, show us the world, the culture, the different ways of thinking, the music. Love french movies beacause they tell my mind. Sometimes crazy, sometimes moody, always sohpisticated. Yeah just like me!

Fear of God

When Israel saw the great work God did to Egyptians, "they fear of God and believe him!" Talking about fear of God, I never do. I don't know why, maybe I am against everything including his power. Somehow I fear but just not enough to not challenge him. Since the illness happened on me, I begin to fear a bit. Not that afraid of dying (as I know I will be in heaven), but don't want to die in pain, suffer, wasting money to heal, losing freedom in going here and there, can do nothing (I have many things wanting to do?!). Without fear of God, we do lots of bad things to ourselves. In the end, all we find is nothing is worth for joy and fulfilment. Dropping deep down the Cliff, the feeling is so scary, hopeless and dead (trust me! It's exactly the feeling when I got anxiety attack). He already told us in the beginning. Only that we fear and follow his way, we are his happy kids. Easy! Fear of God, not because we're weak, but we are smart! Exodus14

Stay Still, Keep Quiet before Complaining

Have heard the Red Sea story many times. But this time a bit different. Feel like I'm one of them. Israel still complained, after all the great things God did for them to bring them out. In this year, he let me see many things he did on me. Still I complain a lot. Moses told them to stay still and keep quiet for God will do the rest. I like complaining and I have no trust in my heart. So I easily go up and down. When I see, I trust, I praise, I am happy. When I can't see, I lose faith, I withdraw, I am depress. Maybe for once, I keep quiet, stay still and then I will see the work of God. Try it next time.

Magic Words

I am taking this lesson of sex and sanctification. He gave me words from bible to strengthen my will.
"It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit." 1Thess 4:3-8

"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." 1Cor 6:9,10

"put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts." Rom 13:14

The Bible commands "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry." Col 3:5 It says, "Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people." Ephesians 5:3 And it says simply "Flee from sexual immorality." 1 Corinthians 6:18

Romans 6:11-15"Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace. What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? Certainly not!"

"No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him. Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. He who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous. He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work. No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God." 1John 3:6-9

"This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother." 1John 3:10

So "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you— unless, of course, you fail the test?" 2Cor 13:5

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1Cor 10:13

"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable— if anything is excellent or praiseworthy— think about such things." Php 4:8

Even Paul experienced that, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me." 2Cor 12:7

"the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age." 1Tim 2:11,12

It's important to fear of him, to know it's a trap of satan, to confess it's a sin. After reading these messages, I suddenly decided. Just like how I quit smoking. But the temptation is still coming. First the spanish guy keeps calling the whole weekend. Then the flesh keeps bothering even my period is finished. Last nite I pray for taking it away. Then miricle happened. The flesh went away eventually when I pray "Jesus is the one who conquers death, he certainly has the power to take it away from me!". At that moment, I see the almighty of God and how he is being with me when I need him. I praise him and can't stop the joy in my heart. I have more confident in fighting the feeling now. And this morning, he encourages me by the daily bread. He said when I follow his way, his blesses are always with me showing in tiny things in my daily life and I don't even have to pray for them. :)

The importancy of thanks giving

There are years of blacking out that I can't love(not even myself), can't live(dead body living in the past), can't meet anyone(not even friends and family), can't play and work. He brings me out of the sorrow with his perfect plan and love. Now I can love a little bit, can sometimes accept love, am less hopeless, can work and make new friends, have more insight of my life and my talent. He changes me.

I have my family back. I can share with them now. Deeply share. I praise him since it's impossible without his hand. To sin, I am more sensitive. Cos neither me nor God will let our connection lost again. He cares for me too much that he use every way to tell me what is not good for me. If I miss it, he says it again and again. If I follow, he encourages me always.

He wants me to remember his love on me just like he wants Israel people to remember He brought them out of Egypt. Because he knows if we forget his love, we start to focus on ourselves and we won't be able to go on. Only that we put our eyes on him, we have energy to walk through any difficulties with him. He is never wrong.

And when I always praise and give thanks to what he did on me, to share with others about it, I will get encouraged, recharged, reminded, and joy when seeing other being encouraged. My pace will be light and easy and he will be with me leading me by night and by day. These are his words given to us! Exodus 12

Good Planner for our life

Hurray!! After 430 years, God brought them out from Egypt. A total triumph to God, Moses, Arron, and every Israel people.

God is a very good planner. He prepared them lamp meal before they went on long trip. God made Egyptians give them gold and precious and animals. When He prepares for me, He is always very considerate and the timing is always perfect. Only that sometimes I'm not able to see through and get annoying. Faith in Him is what I need. Seeing how he planned in the history enhance my faith.

In the killing, God indeed left many rooms for Egyptians. I imagine if some Egyptians heard what God had done and believe He is the God. Follow everything the Israel people did to survive. Since He is faithful for his words, he might also pass their home and not killing their first son. Well, m not sure but possible. God loves our trust and loyalty in him. In fact, all he wants from us is that. He is doing the same to us and must be heartbroken when we betray him.

In contrary, sometimes we think God still loves us even we ignore him. It is in the bible that there are things for us to do and to not do exactly as he said. Otherwise, death! Jesus has changed everything. But there are still thing against His righteousness and pureness. Ignorance may not bring in death from God, but possible to bring us away from Him and hence our lives are no longer with blesses, joy and peace. Are you willing to give up the most precious things for ignoring him?

Humble before Him

How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me? - God asked Pharaoh. It's also a question asking me a lot of times. I am never a humble person. I learnt to cover my low self-esteem up with pride. I trained myself to not fear of anything and anyone. In any circumstances, I must be able to survive. Lack of love, I desire people to need me, praise me, envy me. After several bad experience in trusting people, I figured to lock my faith up sans souci. Isolation emotionally make me more focus on myself and not interested in others.

I am spoiled and now I can't humble. God knows it's very dangerous. For there is always obstacle to walk on the right track. Rebel, argue, resist, stone-heart, not able to focus on him... These are all the outcome of not humble. Satan felt from an angel because he can't be humble before God. Pharaoh lost the lives of the first-born children in his own country because he insisted not humble before God. and how about me?

When God punished, he always distinct Isreal people from Egyptians. The chosen one should be different from others. God himself treats us differently. People keep telling me I am a person of grace. Very lucky and blessed. Sister said it's because I accepted Jesus since I was young. He treats me differently from others. He chose me and he sticks with it. But I am still back and forth from choosing him or the world(or myself). Exodus 10-11

Stanley day trip

Mother seems having a great day. I accompany her to check up on her eye. Then I drive her to Stanley. We spend a whole afternoon there and we discover a beach resturant together. Then we meet up with sister for dinner at LKW. I never see her with that much patient. And that easy to be pleased (a french fries, a hot chocolate, a good bargain can already make her that thanksful) Plus she is more willing to listen now and now she shows she really care about us. Frankly, I am glad. And it's never too late for that. All the hurts and unhappiness are washed away. As a matter of fact, I am suprise with the great understanding when we share and talk! Sister is also more patient and passionate. I am glad to have a sister back. Now I hope dad's perception of life can be changed too. I can see he is seeking and still not get there yet.

He said to me gently, "let me!"

Reading Exodus for a week. Many will say why Pharoah be so stupid to fight with almighty God. It is so obvious that He is the Lord. Hardly realize that I am the same most of the time. There are many times I challenge God. I know he doesn't like but I say why not. I know he wants me to do something but I just don't want to give up. Like Pharoah didn't want to give up his labour and power. I know God wants to be the controller in me but I am not prepared to let him. Like Pharoah, I am the one in charge and I don't want to let Him.

Of course when Jesus died for me, I will not be punished like what Egyptian got. But for the consequence of my own sin, my own choice, I have to clean the mess myself. It takes longer and it's harder than what I expected. I am so fed up now.

Many times I told God, I am ready now. Let you be in charge. But then, I send my soldiers to chase the Israels to red sea. Although I don't understand when God said he made Pharoah's heart hard as stone, I believe as long as I cry for help, Jesus will support me, help me, give me strength to clean the mess and to fight the opposite voice inside of me.

Because God shows his gentle in this chapter. For He can kill Pharoah easy but he wanted to show him his almighty and let others know His name. For he kill all plants but the young wheat and spelt. For using heavy hail to kill Egyptians but giving a chance to those who trust and fear of him. He is a gentle God who loves us dearly as well as little plant. He loves his creations.

And because he loves me dearly no matter what and I have plenty of experience for that! And I pray for never stop giving me the courage to hang on, to live on, and not to give it up, not a second.......

New friends

My scanner is dead but I must convert the questionaire to jpeg file. So I went to my new friend's place (very close to me) to scan it. She is very nice to me and I really enjoy being with her. I am glad to have nice new friends this year. Some are really caring. Some bring me new perception. Some I can share and give. Light up my life so much this year. I had a few offer to play recently. Day trip to Macau and China. I am happy that they thought of me and want to spend time with me. Also, cousin has sent me encouragement calls. Yes, we are not designed as one but pair. It's not right to isolate I guess.

Use Bible to fight the world

When Moses said he was not capable, God gave him his brother to speak for him in front of Pheroah. God knows our weakness. God knows our faith is not enough. He will help us with his own ways. He is very considerate. In this chapeter, I feel God is actually with Moses and Aaron in the palace. He is there physically. When we fight with the world, God is physically with us. He is there. All we need to do is to use his exact words - bible. Nothing to fear because God is there and he is almighty God. It's strange to me for what Pheroah did. He chose to trust the witches but not almighty God. Because the witches listened to what he commanded and God didn't. He wanted to rule so much. When I intend to rule, I choose not to listen to God. I will forget his words and my heart will turn to stone-hard. It's scary to not seeing myself walking on fire, to death, to away from God. Not realize what I am giving up - his prescious gift and his love. Everyone can see. Only me cannot. I don't want to be Pheroah. Anymore...

I am Scared

Yesterday night, the feeling came to me. I lied on the bed. Suddenly there came the helpless, annoying, breathless feeling. I couldn't stand it and in a second, I got up and got to the window, opened it and I found half of my body was out there. Fear woke me up and I shouted at the street. I got myself back sitting beside the window and starting to laugh. The kind of laugh I didn't understand at all. I feel that I can no longer control my feeling, even my body. I woke up in the morning and I am afraid that I lost the will to go on.

Stop murmuring as He is Lord

This chapter talks about Moses negotiated with God. God however didn't say anything else but to repeat many times that HE IS LORD. Moese however still worried a lot and keep negotiating.

Yes, I always want Him to listen carefully to me and do what I want. But seldom I hear what he's saying and what he want me to do. God wanted Moses to tell Pharaoh and Israel people exactly what He was told. But Moses just focuses on his worries. He is Lord. He already told us many times. Implying nothing to be worry about. Everything is in His hand, in his plan.

Next time when I worry about anything forbidding me to step forward, I must remember that He is Lord! And I will learn to keep quiet and listen to you.

God also reminded us that He is the one who keep his promise. What He said he will give, He will make it happen. He is a faithful friend to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and so to us. He will never forget us. He listens to our groanning. He knows our suffering. He is there when we pray to him. Never give up praying to him.

God wanted to kill Moses!

It's very scary message for today's bible reading. God wanted to kill Moses. Moses, the one he chose to do big thing for him and for his beloved Israel citizens. The one he has big plan on and has prepared him for long time. Why?

From Exodus4, it mentions God wanted to kill him until his wife willing to cut off the foreskin of their son. Circumcision, is it THAT important? God said yes it is important. It's important especially when Moses has been chosen.

Reading some explanations essays on "Circumcision", I discover that it's not only our action of endorsement with the contract God made with us, but also our responsibility to show our will to give up our body - our physical image, our old self, our own will, our old value system, the one who loves the world more than God, our so-called "basic" needs such as gourmet, fashion, fit body shape, charming look, sex drive, auto and flat, high qualifications, or even a rich intelligent mate.

Moses ignored God's command. Please his wife more than please God. Although he's on the way to Egypt working for him, he was never totally surrendered. He kept his own thought, still did thing in own way, kept suspect himself and God even God has patiently explained and showed him his power and told him who he is.

How many of us can give up ourselves for him? To me, giving up material is hard, but not as hard as giving up myself. During the years, if not the system I built for myself, how can I survive till today. Well that's what I believe. God says I can survive because of his grace on me. Not a penny I give has any impact on my own life. Until now, I can't accept that and I pray for God taking this stubborn concept away before he kills me.

Another reason for not giving up is my suffering past. Because of that, I don't want to give up pleasure in life. I often justify what I want to do knowing that He is not happy with. The whole world is doing that. Why I cannot? Why is that against bible? Life is for pleasure not for suffering! blablabla... I realize whenever I get upset with life, I let myself get into physical indulgence. God reminds me I will pay the bill my own. One thing I am happy with is that, this time he is not silent. He is using everyone, every way to remind me. Lord, please forgive my capricious and bath me with your grace. Help me in resistant in the temptations. Never let go of my hand.

Circumcision - God commands us as a must do in order to get peace, get close to him, work for him, and to be protected under his contract with us. No wonder I never have peace inside of me. The old me has never gone. The old value I do not want to give up and gradually I don't even recognize. When we insist our own way, God will of course not give us up. But he will keep silent (as for Abram that God didn't speak with him for 13 years after he got a son with his maid). I myself have experienced God's silent for years and it's terrible. It's like the soul has been shut down and no connection no matter what.

Don't let this ever happen to you! Be smart and seize God's connection with you. All we do is to trust. As Jesus himself has gone through death with his body, we must believe with his strength, to our body and our old self, we are free!

FAMILY: Father And Mother, I Love You!

As an infant, we rely on parents - to feed us, to love us. What they give is what we will be one day.

As a teenager, we can't wait to detach from them. Friends and romance are the only thing we treasure. To be independant, to get rid of their shadow, to experience, to explore as much as possible. Never a moment, we think of family.

As a late 20 girl, most are desperate for own family. Addict to love and blindly believe in it. But the effort we put in relationship and career gets us wounds and insecurity. When we need to recover and recharge, it's the first time we find the value of family.

Now it's my early 30. Health issue comes up more and more frequently. All in a sudden, I remember everytime I was in hospital, and everytime I became so weak, they were there giving everything of themselves. It's the family that's always silently support. It's the parents who always care too much for us. It's them who never give us up even after big fights. It's them we never invest but get exceeding returns.

Then I realize things I am proud of myself, are all came from what they give when I was an infant. The person I am today, is what they invest on me for all these years. I never give a damn to invest on them. Well, they did! Otherwise, what would I be today...

The sitcom I watched tonight, a father is really angry with her daughter. The daughter told her friend that, without her dad, she has no backup and support emotionally and she doesn't know how to live anymore. So many times, when I am weak emotionally, or when I am upset at workplace, or I get stuck in life, I know they are there at my back. They are in my team, supporting every decision I made. I am not alone for problems. When I have no confidence, I know in the world, there are someone thinking I am the best. Believing I can do it. And so proud of me. It is why I can hang on and laugh back.

The Rest of my Life

I don't think I can finish the paper myself. In fact, I really can't concentrate and have no motivation to do it now. I know it is not good, but .... I must get help and most important of all ... to get it done. What I really want to be ... for the rest of my life. How long more... How much more hard time to get over? When will the good time come? When will I be happy? The bible says - helping and giving is the key of happiness. Will that bring me to real happiness? Or just something like a love affair... that make me more lonely afterwards? I am very tired. Why is Van goh has the gut to cut up his ear? Why do people with cancer can still encourage others? Why do we need so many money? Why am I so handicap in loving and caring? Dad just comes to renew car register for me. There is a long time we didn't chat for I have been so sick for weeks. He gets older. I am afraid one day I lose him too. Please don't do that to me. I will die too. Sister calls and preaches for an hour. Of course she is damn right. I am weak. I refuse to exercise. I enjoy sinking. I am pathetic. And for all those, I will be the one to suffer. Sinking........ When she shares how she gets over her sickness, my heart breaks. I must be stonger

A Down Day

I am very very depress. I can't sleep for more than 3hours for days. My head is going to exploit. I lie on the bed in the morning, cannot sleep, feel empty. Only my Serta Sheep is with me. But I can't even talk to him. I bring it with me to the service, I cry during the preach. I leave alone cos no one is availble for me. Even the masseur is busy. Maybe a cup of coffee from SK will ease my pain. I almost cry when I see the coffee shop is already not there. With empty soul and stomach, I float from street to street. Even shopping therapy doesn't work as I can't find anything interesting enough to pay for. Until my knee gets hurt, I drive back to my cave. Maybe it's pms......

Salvation for Mother

Mother makes me worry for her addiction in buddish. She wasted plenty of money and her own healthy in it. It is nice that she has someone to hang out with. But it is scary that she always go for praying for dead people. When she told me her testimony of meeting dead people, I see the urge in bringing her to Jesus.

It's hard for me to keep objective in religion with her. She is my mom and there is only one salvation. How can I make her believe and understand that?

There is one little hope. At lunch, she told me she wanna visit holyland with sister this year. As she is interested in history of all religion. There is always a window open in a worst situation!

I Loved You Best Jim Willis

So this is where we part, My Friend, and you'll run on, around the bend, gone from sight, but not from mind, new pleasures there you'll surely find. I will go on, I'll find the strength, life measures quality, not its length. One long embrace before you leave, share one last look, before I grieve. There are others, that much is true, but they be they, and they aren't you. And I, fair, impartial, or so I thought, will remember well all you've taught. Your place I'll hold, you will be missed, the fur I stroked, the nose I kissed. And as you journey to your final rest, take with you this...I loved you best.

God with you now?

Read a story about "where do pets come from?". It says at the time only Adam in the world with God, God creates a very special animal to accompany Adam. This animal is a reflection of God's love to us. And hence, it was named backward of God - dog!

I know this is not necessary the fact. But my tear ran out. It's like a comfort from God confirming that he sent me this little dog to teach me love, to show me how himself, to love me whoever I am, to have only me in his heart, to wait for my return in loving him back while I am learning, to always be with me, to establish my confident in myself and others, to be a bridge between me and family, friends, and the society, to make me laugh, to bring out my barried soul.

If God sees dog so special, no wonder he changed me so much. He was an angel sent by God to me. But I am sorry... for not being a good master, for the insensitive to your needs, for the bad temper, for forcing you to learn tricks that only for my pride, for ......... I am sorry baby! Please forgive me. God, I hope you can take him with you now. So one day I can see him and tell him ....... if you are looking at me in the Heaven now, would you forgive me.........

In Prison for a month

It is about one month from the dissertation deadline. I decided I must prison myself and focus on the work. After announcing to all friends, colleagues and family, still there are some blind fly calling like crazy. Anyway, before I started to get in the prison, I went to have lunch with mother. As a matter of fact, I miss her. I am very moody these few days. Miss him a lot. Maybe the autumn wind reminds me of him. Or maybe the loneliness does. Or maybe, it's Gicigubi, a young female disc jockey committed sucide for missing her passed away mother too much. She is a very cool girl also very sensitive. It is a gift for seeing the world in a different way with her art talent. But sometimes, too sensitive will kill. I pray for her silently in my heart and I wanna see mother. There are many times that I wanna hug her. But I didn't because I can't. I hope I can before it's too late.

My Personality Test Result

Congratulations, you are a YELLOW personality with the driving Core Motivation of FUN. This does not mean that you are constantly looking for a party (although you usually do know where to find one!). You are instinctively happy and gravitate to people and situations that provide carefree adventure and playful interactions. Even under the most serious of circumstances or daunting tasks, you and your YELLOW (buddies/girlfriends), will seek an element of personal fulfillment and spontaneous enjoyment in the experience. Spontaneous play and genuine "in the moment" FUN are not merely important to you - they are as essential to your very being as eating.

As a YELLOW, you are inviting and embrace life as a party that you're hosting. You love playful interaction and can be extremely sociable. You are highly persuasive and seek instant gratification. YELLOWS need to be adored and praised, especially by their partners. While you are carefree, you are quite sensitive and highly alert to others' agendas to control you. You carry within yourself the gift of a good heart, and are happy to share it with your significant other.

As a YELLOW, you need to look good socially, and friendships command a high priority in your life. You are happy, articulate, engaging of others and crave adventure. Easily distracted, you can never sit still for long. You embrace each day in the "present tense" and choose people to be around who, like you, enjoy a curious nature.

WHY YOU ARE HOT

You Are Exciting To Be With You are not a boring person. In fact, you are often the life of the party wherever you go and whatever you do. You always have something to talk about, and you are constantly getting yourself into unbelievably funny situations. Potential partners love this about you because they know that there will never be a dull moment and that they will never have to worry about a lack of entertainment.

You Have A Heart Of Gold One of the greatest gifts that you have to offer is that you have an amazing heart. You tend to reserve it for those by whom you feel adored, but you give it so freely when you find that special someone. Not only do you have a great heart, but you are able to create romantic moments and memories. You are easy to fall in love with just as you love easily and openly. Your partner will know that you would do anything for them, which is very endearing.

WHY YOU ARE NOT

You Are Irresponsible And Unreliable You are here today, and then gone to Maui. You operate by the "better offer" principle, which means that you do not always follow through with plans that you make with your partner. You say, "I know that we were going to dinner tonight, but my friend just told me that (he/she) has an extra ticket to the Eagles concert, so I'll call you tomorrow." What your partner heard was, "Something more exciting than going out with you came up, so I'll call you next time I'm bored." Save yourself some cell phone minutes and don't bother calling

You Can Be Self-Centered And Inconsiderate Of Your Partner's Needs You tend to look out for numero uno, far better than you look out for your partner. You think that the world revolves around your schedule and can be very thoughtless of what others are doing or what their needs are. He will grow tired of this very quickly, because in a committed relationship, he wants to be your first priority and not just plan "b".

YOUR NEEDS

You Need To Look Good Socially You pride yourself on your people skills, and are terribly embarrassed by social faux pas. The way that your partner both perceives you socially and enhances your appearance socially is a big deal to you, so find someone with whom you feel comfortable in the social environment.

You Need To Be Noticed By Your Partner Because you do have a sense of flair and flash, you don't want it to go unnoticed. Your partner's opinion is especially important to you, and you want to know that they see what you're doing. The worst possible thing for you would be to get involved with a man who ignores you. You would be devastated.

YOU WANTS

You Want To Loosely Hide Your Insecurities You have a tender heart and so you protect it from being hurt by hiding your insecurities. You guard them only loosely, however, and are willing to reveal if you know that your partner will be gentle with you. Look for somebody who makes you feel comfortable in this arena, because the emotional connection and rapport that is created when you open up is not something you want to miss out on.

You Want Happiness YELLOWS wake up every morning happy. You don't like to dwell on unpleasantries, or spend time with people who pull you down. Find a partner who you can support your lighthearted nature but who helps you confront the negative aspects of your life in a positive, upbeat way.

Dove - Evolution Commercial

Since when, women are being so harsh to ourselves? Yes, we all deserve to look good. But the question is who defines beauty? Men? Or we women ourselves? Or more precisely, the merchants do and we are so willing to follow?!

None of my girl friends truely appreciate their outlook. Too fat, too thin, face too round or too square, skin too pale, too dark or too rough, boop too small, leg too chubby, bla bla bla... Even worse for women critizing each other. Once I heard a mother judging her own 13-years-old daughter on MTR for single eye lid. I really don't know how the self esteem can be built for a little girl when the one who gave birth to her doesn't agree on her appearance.

With low self esteem, she can't love herself and others. When women can't love, so do the next generation. Imagine one day, no one will know how to live with confidence without products.

Medical Threat

I think I am a negative thinker. Always be prepared for the worst. Hardly get myself motivated. Very dramatic emotions. Since the liver illness, it is more obvious. Self pity, scare, disappointing, anger, withdrawal, etc occupy my mind with no space for anything good. Especially when I was sick, I get annoying and frustrated. It is not easy for me even with the full love of God.

The severe cough stole my sleeps for days. My trip to Japan (was so exciting about that) has to be postponed. I finally gave in and consulted my doctor today. He offered me to take antibiotics. It will hurt my liver for sure but I have to this time. I am very down thinking I will died with liver cancer one day. Will I?

How do I want to live my unhealthy life? It is a question keep hitting my mind. I feel that the answer becomes clearer and clearer. People who shine in adversity (especially in illness) really touches my heart. Inside, I think I wanna be like that. I wanna be shiny even in the worst situation and so other get blessed or be inspired by me. Hard! Very, to me as a girl who enjoys sinking in pathetic mood.

God sent me angel listen to me, cook for me and shop computing accessory with me today. Thank you!

Good Job, Mother!

Skipping appointments, resting at home, hopeing that the flu will leave me before the trip. The cough is driving me crazy and my head is going to explose. Besides the cockroach, being sick is the most scary thing to live alone. I mean really alone, not even my pet is here anymore to beg for water when I am suffering in a cold. Especially when hungry and fridge is empty, all I did for days was boiling water and pouring it all in my body hoping to wash away the disease.

I called mom this afternoon remembering she offered to make me soup if I am willing to come out from the cave. First, all she was interested is her own stuff as usual. I was beginning to fed up. Then a magical moment she made. She put down her tone, and asked me to see doctor or at least get some cough medicine. Told me to rest and drink a lot of water. I would have hung up if she didn't hold down her voice. So glad I didn't and she promised to make soup for me tomorrow. Well, I am happy to see we both grew up a bit enfin. I wanna hug her and tell her "you have done a good job!"

Flu Attack 2nd time in 2 months

I guess this is the pay back of lack of sleep, smoking, irregular meals, late night out, etc. Yesterday I get fever at 102 degree. Severe cough forbids me to sleep. I can't stop my brain even I force myself into sleep. A few hours of ice patching finally calm me down and put me into sleep at 7am. It is so suffering... If I have a wish, please don't let me sick like that ever again especially all alone...

A Jazz Date

Wow!!! I had a wonderful Jazz night. I always love live Jazz but there are very few Jazz club in Hong Kong. Plus I do not have friends to go with me (my friends find me pretentious in loving Jazz). Today I got a really fun date. He is the owner of a Jazz club. He is not handsome, not young, yet very serious without much smile on his face. But is a totally gentleman, kind and thoughtful. I arrived at 9pm when the band is practising. He introduced me to everyone in his club. They all take times to talk to me. I never have a chance to talk with the band ever at a Jazz club. But the pianist and guitar player have sit with us and chat during the break. I am so happy as if I were a little fans! The guitar player is a very cool girl. When she plays, she is very confident and very emotional. I can see she loves music very much. All others are gone... I am still sitting at the stage with a drink in my hand, enjoying her showing different music style with her guitar. When she plays "The Girl From Ipanema", the midage male bar tender with pony tail comes to the stage and starts to sing with a cigarette in his hand... His voice is not the best but it is definitely one of the best moment to me. Oh, forget to mention the privilege barbeque dinner. He brought me to see him "food flipping". Entering the gentleman restroom?! There is a door to an open air storage area where a barbeque stove lays there just like a treasure box. Borrowing the street light and high rise around us, it's a bit dark and hot while we chat. Kind of romantic though! The taste is not the best but what else can I ask for to have a steak particularly prepared for me at a Jazz club that doesn't serve food at all... I have a lovely night and I LOVE JAZZZZZZ

Goal... Meeting the Fellowship Again

After all the failure in meeting the fellowship since the 1st meeting months ago, I did it! It feels great. Thanks for the pray supports!!! The peace is just not the same...

Always Be Ready

I have been indulging myself lately. No spiritual input, no discipline, no regular meals and scheule, plus lots of bad habits. I know I am trying to give up myself and kind of enjoying it. I am so not prepared to councel others at this moment. To me it is a joke! He knows this is the most unprepared moment for me. But he is passing so many special cases to me. Forcing me to rethink my status and reshape my life style. Okok! I will try to be ready for the people who need me...

A Wild Day Out

A girl friend of mine is very down lately. Therefore, we decided to have a wild day out today. It is a crazy black Friday!

Brunch at Soho, shopping at computing centre and outlet, dinner at cozy restaurant .... the night is not yet finished without drink at LKF. Exhauted yet great fun! Well, we are not that bad as six male bump into us!

Why would we need these crazy nights? Because we are fed up by our boss, our colleagues, parents and men. Soho therapy and shopping therapy work so well to we Hong Kong girl whenever we get disappointed in life! At least it works for a while... ... who cares!

The First Addiction to Quit

I am hanging out at a bookstore today. There is a book about Hepatitis. Every time daddy asks me to quit smoking, I tell him smoking has no effect to liver. Well, I am incorrect according to this book. I bought the book, took a last one, packed all cigarette packs (all together 5 in my car), drived by a public garbage bin and throwed them away. I quitted! As a very first thing out of all my addictions......

A Train with no Driver

There is a feeling recently. A petit voice inside of me, whispering what I really want, who I really am. I refuse to admit and try not be it. Then I see myself walking there step by step. It's like I never plan to but I found myself already there!

It is all the matter of perception. We are told how we should be, who we are, what we should do and what shouldn't do. I see myself as a person without boundaries. But seems that no one tell me it's a good thing. Inside of me, there is pride of being such a person. From time to time, I feel like screaming for the feeling of being trapped.

I am almost there. I am not sure if it's totally wrong. But I see myself kind of out of control. I don't know what it'll lead to. I don't know ...I can't do anything now for it's a bit too late

If there was enough love

If there was enough love, we wouldn't have abandoned our kids If there was enough love, we wouldn't have abused our family If there was enough love, we wouldn't have broken up If there was enough love, we wouldn't have killed those animals If there was enough love, we wouldn't have started the wars If there was enough love, we wouldn't have to be so regret now

How much love we need to go back and change it all when we are already so exhausted and no will to break the wall

How much is enough to satisfy our greedy soul Maybe till the day we stop wanting love will be starting to grow

Every Morning is Painful

Every morning is painful Every shower is cold Every journey is endless Every smile is hard Every word is meaningless Every plan is off Every season is winter Every room is empty Every road is dead-ended Every song is blue Only cigarette pleases me Killing me bit by bit Bringing me closer and closer To where I belong with

The Devil wears Prada Review

Watched The Devil wears Prada. Not a brilliant movie but fun for a watch. A girl with smart resume but with no sense of fashion gets a job from Vogue (Runway in the movie). Stuggling with: To have own "style" or to be wrapped with branded high fashion clothing like others To insist in showing the devil boss her ability or to quit just like that To do it as a job that pays the bills or to be "into" it and to build passion for what she is doing To keep a steady relationship or to go for a charm talented romantic writer To choose friendship or to seize the chance of climbing up in career To be self or to be someone everyone admires To stick with own dream or to be sidetracked by everybody's "dream job" The movie reminds me of my first job. I had a devil boss too (well who doesn't). I hanged in there for 6 months. I am proud of myself for I have shown I am not a baby who just gives up when there is bad time. Life is about choice. Very easy to get lost. Set on the dream and hang in there...... I am still learning that!!!!!!

In the Fog

Have you ever in anykind of addictions - wine, cigarette, drugs, sports, love and sex. It's no fun for a control freak as me.

Addiction, I believe, is caused by self blaming, low self esteem, or even with the intention of self destroying. Very scary and huge problem!

The feeling is like walking in the fog all by self. No direction but very exciting. But after all, the pleasure is often very short term and regrettable. Sometimes, it is even not enjoyable as before but still one will continue doing it. Gradually, an increasing hatre to oneself and others ends up with repeating addiction behavior. This cycle forbids the addictor to have the ability to get up himself.

Addiction also often isolates one from society, friends and family. Making it harder to get support when mostly needed. Sinking with no recuse explains the situation.

2G is what I need now to get rid of the addiction. Well I am experienced. God and Guts.

"Eight Below"

Rent the movie "Eight Below" by Disney. I remember I was going to see it at cinema. But then my dog passed away. The vcd is out for months already. Everytime I saw it, I am afraid to rent it home. Yesterday, sister and cousin came to my place and we have a long talk from 3pm to 11pm. Finally, I can talk about him. Reading the bible story of the king David losing his son, I got some insight and new belief in my sorrow. David stopped eating and bathing until son died. But then he went up and cleaned and started to eat again and most importantly, he worshipped. He lost but he knew nothing will change even he kept weeping. So he started again. Then God gave him Soloman. Therefore, I went to rent the movie home. Just watched half of it, my heart sink. Tears came out when seeing how the dogs save human being, how obedience they are, the will of fighting to survive, how they take care each other, even their cute facial expression. Reminding me of him. He was such a little sweetheart to me. .... I love him I love him I love him......... but I will live strong..........

My lovely fan

I love my new hang fan light. It is what I want for long time. Very elegant, classic, colonial, oriental. I got a 10 feet height ceiling so look very nice. Cool! The flat looks so different and cool.

Schedule of the Previous Week

Monday I went to high school reunion and find that I am the only single one! Tuesday I went to the cinema alone. Webnesday I forgot to take hepatitsis medicine. Thinking: will I be able to find someone who would risk being with me and having baby with me? Thursday I went to a friend's club house for body massage. She invited me stay overnight. Ending up she talked about her bad experience in dating recently. Friday no plan at all..... rent video and watched all day........alone. Saturday one of my close female friend (30 and single) invited me out to dinner. She reminded me of how lonely we all are. Finished dinner at 12:30am but still she suggested to go clubbing.... we are so desperate. Sunday I went to church and it was first time for gathering. I found the group all singles. But still "single" means not married with stable relationship. Sorry, to me "single" means nothing in hand! Have I already missed the golden time? Missed the right person? Missed the timing? Have I? Talking to net friend on the phone all night long. I was told 30+ guys are looking for 20+. 40+ guys are all married with kids or divorced not wanting to commit again. No exit for we 30+ ladies and it is miserable. Will I end up all alone......

Working for Money?!

Finally, quit the job! Feeling relief. It is over and I dont have to struggle anymore. It has been few months that I've thinking of quitting. But I can't do that because I was not sure. Well, now I have decided and it is kind of impusive though. Because I am now totally disappointed to the people and finding no prospect at all.

I don't know what I will do. And whether I can survive in new job. I know it will be more and more difficult for me but I pray for the strength and faith in career. I have to achieve it now. Can't keep searching and quitting. I have to overcome my fear and interpersonal problem. I have to be stable from now on. I have to be more persistant. I have to grow up and be a mature employee because that's what everyone does. And I would need the stable salary to live.

Recently, people around me are telling me how money is important to their life. It destroys self-esteem. Make couples break up. Keep families away from each other. Kill dreams of a person... No money no talk!! In Hong Kong, it is very true. Since I never had money problem, it is a brand new topic to me. I only money can bring happiness. I don't know lack of money bring in so many problems.

I work for self satisfaction. Never work for money. So whenever I feel like quitting, I do so. Never once, I force myself to be patient and wait. Thinking of working for money, it already made me scared and feel sick. I really don't know if I can do it. I know I have to be realistic for now and it would be difficult for me. But this time, I must fight!!!

I pray for a job that I can handle and settle. Because I am sure if the job is approved by Him, I can handle it. I have the experience!

Those were the days

This week is soooo "those were the days"... First, had great time in the "Long Time No See" concert. So happy to see Jan and Eric get back together after all these years. Jacky Cheung lighted up the show and brought us back to the old time when he sang "每天愛你多一些". But of course I like the "白雪公主 米奇老鼠" version better! I especially like the part about their relationship throughout these years. They were like brothers sharing everything when their career just started. Then there are about 10 years they have no contact at all. (Jan even blamed Eric not informing him for his new born boy.) They use a song "最佳損友" to describe their regret to their fading relationship. So glad they didn't pretend and have the guts to tell us that they are just the same as everyone of us. Yes, it's a cruel world we are living in. Very few friendship work for life time. There are so many things we desire yet not enough time to get. Therefore, we choose not to invest in relationship. Flower needs watering and so does friendship. At the time we finally understand it, 10 years were passed. Today, I went to a dinner meeting with high school buddies and a teacher. The last time we met was 10 years ago!!! The feeling is complicated. So many things to share - updating recent life, laughing at old jokes at school... yet, we are so short of time. Some happily married, one with diabetic kid, one broke up with a 10-year boyfriend, one got bone cancer, one becomes active in evironmental protection... To the bad, we bless and to the good, we thank. That's all we can do as a conclusion for the 10 years of aparting. Better off, to promise to meet again someday in the coming 10 years... Wyman的詞寫得很到! "無法再與你交心聯手，畢景難得有過最佳損友..; 為何舊知己在最後變不到老友... 被推著走 跟著生活流... 來年陌生的是昨日最親的某某... 不知你又有沒有，掛念這舊友，或者自己早就想通透..."

Sexual Struggles

Have been addicted to cyber sex the last week. So boring, lonely and feel like nothing can excite me more than sex. However, too dare to have real sex with just anyone. Cyber in this case is the best solution. After the first time I get into the chatroom, I fell in it. I go back whenever I have time and I would give up sleep for that. You never know what happen that night. Whether a good partner will show up or a lousy one. It is one fun part of the game. There is one very good one make my night. We chat all night long and tease each other and became so high. We both want it so much... we almost come out and do real. That was really great time although everything about ourselves might be fake. But then I realize that I don't want reality anymore. I isolate myself from friends. Just want to chat with someone know for a second rather than someone care for me for years. Many stuff get pending because I rather spend time on chatroom. And... now I really want sex more than anything. One thing very dangerous is that, I go further and further. Maybe I have no discipline at all. I go from chat online, to msn private chat, to msn voice chat, to phone chat. When one really aggressive chatmate ask me out, my heart actually wants to. O my, what if I really did that. Can't imagine how low and guilty I will feel. I am not the person who can accept myself like that. I've been going through all that before and it's not easy to turn around. God, please show me the light, lead me the way, help me to resist the temptation so I can live healthily again.

Down Down Down

Achievement level: O Frustration level: High Think I am going through a depression. Or maybe the grieving stages. They said it takes at least 6 months for overcoming pet loss. I have no idea how long for me. Plus I am trapped in the house. My world freezes for these months. Even worse for me. Unable to go to work, am being quite isolated and distanced from colleagues whether on purpose or not. Of coures for few incidents that colleagues really disppointed me. Making me feel like not going back anymore. So boring and depress and really need someone to hang out with. A also depressed friend also hang out with me these days is actually helping me out in shutting out people. Meanwhile, addicted to cigarette again and adult chatroom. Know it's not healthy both physically and mentally. Yet life is a mess recently and no positive input.

"Colorgenics" Test Result of 9thJuly,2006

Life for some time now has been somewhat depressing and you feel 'under the weather'. You are looking for a means by which you can escape from all the pressures of everyday life. But you must remember that the 'Past does not equal 'Tomorrow'. You are seeking a way to escape from all the trials and tribulations that oppress you at this time, but at least you haven't given up - if one pattern of behaviour doesn't seem to work then you'll change it for another. You need an atmosphere of peace and quiet and you would like to share a bond of understanding with the 'right person' - you have the belief that with the right person, your stress and anxiety could be minimised. You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you. From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!

Zidane, how could you...........

One Sweet Day - Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men

Sorry I never told you All I wanted to say And now it's too late to hold you 'Cause you've flown away So far away Never had I imagined Living without your smile Feeling and knowing you hear me It keeps me alive Alive And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven Like so many friends we've lost along the way And I know eventually we'll be together One sweet day Darling, I never showed you Assumed you'd always be there I took your presence for granted But I always cared And I miss the love we shared And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven Like so many friends we've lost along the way And I know eventually we'll be together One sweet day Although the sun will never shine the same I'll always look to a brighter day Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep You will always listen as I pray And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven Like so many friends we've lost along the way And I know eventually we'll be together One sweet day And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven Like so many friends we've lost along the way And I know eventually we'll be together One sweet day Sorry I never told you All I wanted to say

Pet or Partner?

Talked to my little sis in the States. So worry about her life there. But I'm glad to be able to support her with love and pray. I wish her healthy and happy ,and let God leads her way. When we talked about our dogs, we both think they are our partner not pet. I once again went through the incident in my mind. Aching, still! Don't know when it ends. Many asked if I will get a new one. The world without him is like a silent movie, a colorless dream, distill water. But I don't wanna bring a new one in my life yet. I don't know why. I played with my friend's cat the other day. Super cute! Have been seriously considering a cat of my own. Well maybe one day I will. But now, I just miss him too much.

Father, who God prepared for me

Daddy changes a lot these years. He pays a lot of attentions in his health. He reads, jogs, and talks more than ever. He reads a lot of self help books (well, although he enjoys more in buying and reads only half of each). He lives positively and really makes me proud of him. On my birthday, we had lunch together. We were talking about his retirement. It's the first time he told me he really worries about my financial status and health condition. He wants to see me happy, healthy and wealthy. Thanks God for giving me a father. Giving me a reason to live well, to take good care of myself and to live positively so he shouldn't need to worry about me. I may not be able to be a brilliant daughter. But I can be a happy and healthy one. At least I try my best to.

Papa, Je t'aime

Il etait 30ans. He is not my biological father. But I am glad to have him rather than anyone in the world. My mom said different from elder sister who is 11months elder than me, I call him DAD right the way the time we went to this new home. Since then, it started our father-daughter rapport tres special. I was 2! To me, he is a savior and Mr. know-it-all. And he never say NO to me. He saved me from hitting by mom. Solve all my problems with his money (he believes money can solve EVERYTHING). Although he is super busy, he care for spending time on me. Like doing homework for me, bringing me to school everyday, hearing my stupid thought and hanging out with me. He was the most capable man in the world to me. However, everybody gets old. Lately, I realize he concerns about his health so much. He gets tired easily. He talks more than ever. He indulges himself in shopping. He tells me that he loves me. I can sense him from aging and desire to live longer healthily. On my birthday this year, he was having lunch with me. We were discussing his retirement plan. He told me he is worrying about me. For my economic status, for my health, and for my future happiness. I was heart-broken. Because I am way too mature to let him worry about me that much. I have never think of living a better life for someone who loves and cares about me that much. I thought my life is mine and I am going to live it my way. In this Father's day, I especially treasure. I promise myself and to him, that I will live up so he doesn't need to worry about me anymore. And no matter what happened between us or whether or not he is my real dad, there is no one more special than him to me in my life!

This Birthday

It is a special birthday. For I can't walk around this year, I can go nowhere but stay home. I invited some really closed friends to my new home for gathering and house warming. We cooked, chated and went to the club house. All of us had great time. I was requested to say praise before dinner. In the pray, I gave thanks for what I see in the changing in their lives. I prayed for them for what I notice they need for now. Also, I thanked God for bringing them to me and loving me so much for all these years. I realized how grateful it is to have them all beside me on my big day. I know them for long time, but it is just a couple years that they became also my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have been praying for more Christian friends last year. Suprisingly, He turned my old friends into them. God is really amazaing and with sense of humor!

Le Concert de Jamie

Hurray! Jamie came to HK and I went to his concert. It was an enchanted evening! I knew Jamie from HMV. One day I was shopping at the Jazz section in HMV, the DJ was playing Jamie's "Twenty something". It was love at first sight. I searched for his album and bought it right the way. A young english guy playing excellent pop jazz, it's something. I like his voice, it's mature but rebel. I love his creative and passion in music. He totally shows his creativity in the concert. It's like nothing can frame him from presenting himself to the audience using every single piece of instrument on the stage. His rythum is excellent. It doesn't show any stress in his performance. It's like he doesn't prepare at all but he just doing it so well. He cried when he played a song about losing someone. My heart was broken for I could feel him. I guess he had found the right communication tool in moving himself and others. So envy that someone has such talent and he knows it and he has achievement from it.

Nice and Simple Birthday Party

Most of my birthdays filled with crowds, dinner parties, karaoke partie, etc. This year, can't go anywhere but refuse to be alone. There comes a party at my new home.

A couple of close friends came to my place. We chat, cook, and house warn. It was a nice and cozy party. They asked me to say grace. Ending up I pray for each of them. It's very touching. I know them for years and they have impact on me these years. Especially this year, we all go through special moments and support each other.

I thanks for friends who can share good and bad from life, tell each other our needs and pray for each other.

This is a simple but sweet birthday. They remind me that they never celebrated my birthday ever on the exact day. That really suprised me cos they are my best friends. I realize I never cherish my friends in the past. I tell myself, now as you know who are true friends and must learn to cherish from now on.

Scum of 2006

The divorced man ended up a scum. In the beginning, every thing is so smooth and sweet. Until I've been taking care of his dog and he's like completely self-centered. He would decide to come visit them whenever he was free. He would blame me for not letting him. He said he would do the clean up but then I just became the maid for him and his dogs. Also, everytime he came, I felt like he really just wanted to see his dogs but me. He showed totally no interest in me. No deep conversation, no photo album veiwing, nothing but requesting me to cook for him.

What a self centered jerk! It was so not a good sign. I just don't know why I keep crushing on him. Well, maybe I was still giving him tons of excuses for maybe he is shy, has unhappy past with girls bla bla bla. I still wanna give it a try!

The day my dog was leaving, he was with me all day. Well, he was so not handling it well. Not even pass. 1st it took him way too long to drive me to the clinic coz he got the wrong way. Then he kissed me on that night!! Come on I was so lost and so fragile. He took advantage and he is no longer a good guy for sure. Yeah he called and sent message to show caring. He volunteered to be a companion. Trying to kiss me again and further!

Anyway, the time he thought I am already trapped, I refuse to. I clarified our relationship with him and he couldn't do it. I quitted him right there and never answner his calls and messages anymore. He kept pursuing for 2 weeks then he threw at me some kind of blaming message and said won't bother me again. For that it hurts.

I thought that's over. But guess what, 2 weeks later, he asked for being friends by sms. Ha, making it totally like forgetting what he had said. One day, blaming me again for my cruelness. I gave him a chance to talk to me. Very disappointed! No progress at all. Absolutely no sincerity. Stupid me thought no harm for me to keep him. He tried to talk sweet but of course not what I buy. I refused to see him again, just plain chat online for another month.

Today it's my birthday. It's like 2 weeks that he didn't initiate a chat. As a woman, I smell his not interesting. I went on friendly chat with him and he's like putting off all the time. Hours ago, he asked me if I have been dating someone lately. I told him yes and he went mad. 1st he told me he has sour feeling. Then suddenly he revealled that there is a reason for not being agressive on me (of course not telling it). Then he thanks me for being nice to him and dogs and said will never forget me. Then blame himself for not 100% opening himself to me coz he's hiding something (again can't tell me what). Finally, he tried to say it and again of course not telling at last. Blame his bad temper and blame me for not picking him... bla bla bla. Finally, he's like 180 degree turned and told me he will date someone nice and pretty tomorrow. Seeing her photo that he forwarded to me, I can't stand anymore. Wished him good luck and say bye. I guess that's it!

This guy is totally nonsense, unfaithful to even himself. I don't know what happen to him but I for sure don't wanna get involved into it. Maybe he is crazy, bad temper as he said about himself, just don't want commitment but fooling around, or everything about him is a lie. I am sure it will not be a happy relationship to me. Eventhough I am curious and intend to help him out, I believe I don't want to sacrisfy myself to save him. Also, I have no such ability and enough patient and love.

"I really like you. I want to sleep with you. If it's 2years ago, I would have done it. With more wisdom about men, I won't put myself into such situation anymore today. So I guess that's it. It not worth for me to go on like this with you and I am not worth for you too coz you will not be able to get what you want from me. Let's go on our own way. Just don't hurt other good girls coz we are actually very fragile. "