This wedding brings us together. There were too much unhappiness these years in our family. There are tears of course for the one in our memory. New start and hope wash away the sorrow. That's what I bless from the bottom of my heart.
I picked up mom and dad and we arrived on time. Cousin V begged me to be MC with her. I was not prepared but I wanted to support her and the wedding. So I did. It's my first time to me MC. I was not doing perfectly but I learnt some important stuff from this experience.
I was a very stressed person since I was young. I make noise with my teeth when I sleep. I hold my fist tightly unconsciously. I have lots of dream in sleep. I rely on addiction to put myself asleep. I was never a happy and open person. I never speak out my opinion. I hide my real feeling. I pay too much attention on what people think about me. I rather withdraw than risk under uncertainties. Eventually I become a passive, irresponsible person, indecisive.
But now I know it's not the real me. I am expressive. I enjoy close relationship. I like adventure and new experience. I love to laugh at everything and be relax all the time. I hate to guess and think too much on why people say or do such thing. I am a passionate person.
My personality is distorted. Because I have a judgemental mother!
When I was on the stage, I noticed I worried about what mother thought of my performance. I desired her support and approval. Other than her, I actually didn't care what other think. After the wedding, she gave me a judgemental glance showing disapproval of my speech. I had a second of bad feeling. But then I tried to get it over. I went through every words I said on the stage and started to critizise myself. What am I doing to myself? It's already over. And no one is going to see me again there. In fact, no one knows me there. It's not my time to show off ability. I was just being supportive!
Suddenly, I know. It's her! She is still a pressure to me. Whatever she said means a lot to me. Even many are prejudice and subjective. I spend life time to please her, to get her approval. And my counsellor has told me not once that it's enough! It's my choice to get out from the myth.
No wonder I hate to judge and to be judged that much. And unconsciously I become very open minded. Because I experience myself that judgement can be very destructive to a person. No one has the authority to do that to other. No one can say his judgement is absolutely right. And judgement itself is always negative, for own pleasure and great harm on other.
I am learning to release myself. But at the same time, I have to learn how to accept positive suggestion. Because no one is always right on everything. I can't just reject any comment only because my self esteem is being attacked. To get it balanced becoming a more mature and wise adult is what I like to achieve.
I picked up mom and dad and we arrived on time. Cousin V begged me to be MC with her. I was not prepared but I wanted to support her and the wedding. So I did. It's my first time to me MC. I was not doing perfectly but I learnt some important stuff from this experience.
I was a very stressed person since I was young. I make noise with my teeth when I sleep. I hold my fist tightly unconsciously. I have lots of dream in sleep. I rely on addiction to put myself asleep. I was never a happy and open person. I never speak out my opinion. I hide my real feeling. I pay too much attention on what people think about me. I rather withdraw than risk under uncertainties. Eventually I become a passive, irresponsible person, indecisive.
But now I know it's not the real me. I am expressive. I enjoy close relationship. I like adventure and new experience. I love to laugh at everything and be relax all the time. I hate to guess and think too much on why people say or do such thing. I am a passionate person.
My personality is distorted. Because I have a judgemental mother!
When I was on the stage, I noticed I worried about what mother thought of my performance. I desired her support and approval. Other than her, I actually didn't care what other think. After the wedding, she gave me a judgemental glance showing disapproval of my speech. I had a second of bad feeling. But then I tried to get it over. I went through every words I said on the stage and started to critizise myself. What am I doing to myself? It's already over. And no one is going to see me again there. In fact, no one knows me there. It's not my time to show off ability. I was just being supportive!
Suddenly, I know. It's her! She is still a pressure to me. Whatever she said means a lot to me. Even many are prejudice and subjective. I spend life time to please her, to get her approval. And my counsellor has told me not once that it's enough! It's my choice to get out from the myth.
No wonder I hate to judge and to be judged that much. And unconsciously I become very open minded. Because I experience myself that judgement can be very destructive to a person. No one has the authority to do that to other. No one can say his judgement is absolutely right. And judgement itself is always negative, for own pleasure and great harm on other.
I am learning to release myself. But at the same time, I have to learn how to accept positive suggestion. Because no one is always right on everything. I can't just reject any comment only because my self esteem is being attacked. To get it balanced becoming a more mature and wise adult is what I like to achieve.
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