The Rest of my Life

I don't think I can finish the paper myself. In fact, I really can't concentrate and have no motivation to do it now. I know it is not good, but .... I must get help and most important of all ... to get it done. What I really want to be ... for the rest of my life. How long more... How much more hard time to get over? When will the good time come? When will I be happy? The bible says - helping and giving is the key of happiness. Will that bring me to real happiness? Or just something like a love affair... that make me more lonely afterwards? I am very tired. Why is Van goh has the gut to cut up his ear? Why do people with cancer can still encourage others? Why do we need so many money? Why am I so handicap in loving and caring? Dad just comes to renew car register for me. There is a long time we didn't chat for I have been so sick for weeks. He gets older. I am afraid one day I lose him too. Please don't do that to me. I will die too. Sister calls and preaches for an hour. Of course she is damn right. I am weak. I refuse to exercise. I enjoy sinking. I am pathetic. And for all those, I will be the one to suffer. Sinking........ When she shares how she gets over her sickness, my heart breaks. I must be stonger