Dear Lord, I am also your lovely daughter. I love you, want to know more about you and I am ready to serve you. Also, I am lonely most of the time. Please do not forget me and be sure to bring in my husband soon. I am sure with his spiritual support and companionship, I will grow up faster and stronger. I wish to walk with him hand in hand in your way. Thanks in advance. with love

Marriage is a double face jerk

The singles, crazy for marriage. They would give up everything for jump into marriage as soon as possible. Paying a fortune for mating service, losing dignity to please the partner, women living in a torturing life to keep in shape so as to attract men. In other hand, married couples, so regret for their decision. Losing freedom, tired of compromising, unhealthy problem kids ruinning everyone's lives.

Frankly, I don't have courage get involve in relationship. The marriage of my parents. No love at all. All about money, selfish and negotiation. No pity at all to a 70+ husband. Never once control her temper to at least give one day break to him. All he asks for is peace and calm and he's giving everything for it. Even that, she takes everything for granted and torture everyone around her. No repent! It's a terrible marriage example I grow up from. Will I be able to have a fortune marraige my own?

I feel bad to see dad suffering like this but I can do nothing. I blame myself and hopeless. God, please do not let her hurt anyone again. Show her how it feel for what she did to others. Please save them all!

Before sunrise and After sunset, films that break your heart. A condensed relationship of 2 different days, does it make no different from regular relationship? Does it accelerate the feeling? Will it become life time? A relationship with more truth and less lies? More happiness less blaming? Does time really matter to love? Passion is not love? Are we all so willing to cheat ourselves for love? Is the love real on a roadtrip? Why is my heart so freeze when I watched the morning scene, same old places last nite but empty now. Isn't that the feeling of a face or body you got so familiar with for years but now just an empty soul to you? It's too cruel for me to stand it or even think a second about it!

Families are people who won't hate you forever.
Friends are those know you but still love you.
Wealth is not the goal of life, it's the entrance of a real life.
Love is level of willingness to sacrifice.
Sadness is a state of mind.
Travel is a good excuse of escaping.
Movie is the desire of not being oneself.
Children are adults with no fear and regret.
Fashions is a game playing by a group of cynical people.
Autumn is best friend of loneliness.
One's death is the beginning of other's life.

No movtive to go out. Yesterday force myself to bible study. Almost burst out when singing praise with I don't know what reason. Am I just lonely? Am I feeling sorry about myself? Am I suffering from my own sin? Or do I get too frustrated in searching? My mood graph is exactly same as the stock market today. Deep drop to the bottom and hanging there for few days already. Really need to cheer myself up and get back to shape.

Since the war I survive from, still in recovery period. Scary memory hit me frequently. Must accept it. No more stupid thoughts. Loneliness is swallowing me. No more meaningless "if". I refuse to sink into the dark deep ocean. It's a day of art. Museum and piano lesson ease a bit. It'll be over very soon. By then I will love as a normal girl again. I will!

Went to a wedding. Faced people I've been hiding from for years. I bought 2 dresses got really panic when the time get close. A million times thinking of not going. But the groom is one of my very best. He really wanted me to celebrate with him. Ending up, no big deal. I am mature enough, strong enough to handle. I even can chit chat with Mr computer. Nice! I got no bad feeling against him anymore. Really! But the news Mr C got married and a son really knock me off. I so wanted to believe that his love is only for me lifetime. That we are meant to end up with each other. That he is incapable to love anyone else. Thinking of him caring his wife break my heart. The next day, the hangover (non-alchool) got me really bad. That I skip church and ask my sis for sos pray. I cry for my sin hurting other all these years. I realize I am the one hurting other not that I used to think I am the victim. I was relief after praying. That night, I pray for everyone I met at the banquet. especially the one I once loved. sincerely I wish them all the best from God. Now only thing left in my heart, is that I am alone. That I really wish God has already prepare for me. And I am ready for him. and I am capable of loving him not hurthing him, torturing him. God please help me and lead me the way. Thanks God for sis to pray with and for me. Thanks for forgiven my sin. Thanks for the relief. Thanks for friend's support. thanks for love from family. thanks for hope and faith. thanks.

A sermon from the church of my cousin, inspired me to write a book of a collection of testimony of different ordinary christians. It'll be brief and with about 30-40 testimonies. Nothing dramatic but stuff from daily life experiensing our lovely God. my thought for now.

When we came to a proper ages, wedding is heading to you few times a year. Well I must admit wedding susks! Because like a merry-go-round, just never once my turn. Wed of new friends are still standable like the one I just got back from. A wed of my church friends, few years younger than me, just got happily ever after. Still some confuse feeling deep down. Can't even tell what it is. An even worse one, coming this month, an old u buddy (quite close friend of mine) asked me to be the bridemaid of his bride. His first girlfriend who he met after his 30 become his wife now. How amazing it that. That he got walk on the carpet before me. But that's not the reason I escape from his wed, it's the guest list. Pretty scary to me that 3 of my ex will probably be there. I guess the bravest girl got chicken in this situation. Especially still in her single and mingle stage. God help me out!

Regular liver check-up today. Same old comment from doctor. Nothing better nothing worse. Bouffff... I actually keep hoping to stop medication. But Doctor Cheung seems to find my idea not feasible. Unless I plan to pregnant, otherwise it's not wise to take the risk. In other word, pregnant becomes risky to me. Hearing that, I feel my frozen heart. Of course I got no plan for now on pregnancy. But I do look forward to a family of my own with kids in the picture. On the way home in the cap, I look above, inside screaming, I beg God for giving me a chance to practise love in my own family. To give me another chance to love again. To give me a chance to learn motherhood and experience the unconditional love as a mother ...

Desire and greed, not always on money, most dangerously in love and relationship. A good friend of mine, 30+ married woman, all these years have been struggling in affairs. She's an attractive, a little naive woman, very sociable and mature. But whenever a man approaches her, she quickly turns back into a teenager. Ten years of marriage, she risks it for a married man. Dumb but understandable. The man ends up a coward player. Should I say fortunately or unfortunately?! My friend got so hurt that she started to learn playing chess for training herself more tactic on men. Funny huh! I try to analyse her affair. Is her husband not good enough? Does she have low self esteem? Or is that sucker that charming and skillful? Is her life too dull and need some icing? This is her life, her family, her husband that I have no opinion on. Just don't wanna see her losing the best stuff that she just doesn't figure it now. Desire, gets you what you want. Thankful heart, shows you what you have, and what you really need.

Stock stock stock! HK stock market is overheat. Hairdressers at salon, waiters at Cha Chan Ten, passengers at MTR crazy about discussing which stock to buy. Even property market getting active with the excessive profit from stock exchange. It's tempting not to invest while medias keep boosting the increasing stock prices. It's a test of one's greed and desire control. Fighting against own desire is the toughest thing in the world under such temptation.

Wow! Just when I got really stressed with my fussy mother, God sent her to Shanghai for 10 days. I've just been told by dad and I am sooooooo relieve! God is so lovely! Dad said mom asked me to keep an eye on the new maid. So I went to have super tonite. I try to talk to her while eating. She told me her working aboard raise the whole family back in her hometown. When I told her we understand it's hard for her, I saw her tears. Then I know I do the right thing in giving her some comfort and support at this very moment. Happy to know she got some new friends who brings her to church on Fridays. How lucky we live in hk with opportunities while someone else have to fly all the way to look for it.

The third person met in heaven, tells us to forgive our parents. Because all parents damage their children through neglect, violence and silence. Children are sensitive, helpless and innocent, unable to defense themselves. Of course parenthood is never easy. But even bible tells parents not to make children angry. Because angry becomes hatred. And hatred does not just disappear. It affects one's relationship with people, marriage and career, most importantly their next generation.

I hate my mother again. Yes again. I've been putting it down and thought I am over it. But recently, it got me again. She is a bitch to me. My concerns to her make her even more bitchy. None of my effort gain her satisfying. That makes me frustrate and getting tired of pleasing her. I love her and understand she is going through ear problem. I guess the love is not enough for her excessive blame to everyone especially those who love her. She must learn to treasure, to appreciate, and to express feeling in a normal way. But she just never have to learn it coz it happened to have people spoiling her in all these years. Sorry, not me! Not my strength. The bitchy her remind me of the neglect, violence and silence on me. I hate her I hate her I hate her. I hate it like I must please her. I hate to put my feeling always after hers. I hate her arrogant as if she had always been a good mother!?! c'mon, who is she kidding?! Hatred is eating me. God please help me from drowning in it.

Hide-and-heal: stylish or foolish?

About 60 percents of my life so far are at low spirit. I used to go back to my cave, seal the entrance until everything is fine. As a girl, I know it's kinda weird. I guess I just have no confidence in anyone. No one I can reply on. Seriously, I've been thinking the pros and cons of this method (I named it hide-and-heal). Is it the only way or the best way to go through recession in life?

The pros:
A. feel so cool
B. Show independent
C. increase own ability in crisis
D. keep an mystery image among friends
E. no responsibility to others
F. keep self off from any discussion/judgement and hence avoiding to get hurt

However, there are far more cons for hide-and-heal:
A. feel lonely/isolated/not loved or cared
B. one brain, limited solutions VS more brains, variety of solutions
C. talking itself can release stress
D. easier to get trapped in negative thoughts for being alone
E. satan loves us being like that (so easy to beat us)
F. eventually become someone self-centered, selfish, insensitive, and people who can't love
G. give up chances in establishing trusty with friends
H. take relatively longer time to reclaim
I. friends eventually won't offer to help because they feel rejected or they are misled that we actually prefer no support
J. experiment proofed shorter lifespan for loners
K. give up chances to grow in interacting with people (even getting hurt or being misunderstood can brush us up and make us a stronger person)

After those self-talking, I figured "stupidity" is the only word to describe the previous me. Well, God gives me 2 hands to reach out for help, a mouth to share my feelings, eyes to cry on friends, feet to get out of the cave. Dumb like me just shake my head and pushed everybody and my fortune away!

The last section of praying course yesterday, E and I got to talk to clergy afterward. Amazingly, the negative thoughts of this clergy, the course content and the church has gone. Despite missing 2 classes, unable to catch up with the reading, delay to hand in homework and memorize bible phrases, I was inspired and went through some self-growing progress. I may not be able to pass the course and go straight to the next level. But I kind of agree why Jesus suggested me to take this lesson.

Firstly, I was too cocky in front of God and people. I am stubborn and not letting anyone to judge me or advise me or lead me out of my comfort zone. Secondly, my faith is so not enough and I am so insecure even with his magnify power and great love on me. That I set lots of do and don't around me forgetting the truth (bible) should lead the way not me. I was so not open-minded when I am proud and advertise myself as one. I hate stereotype, judgemental, prejudice, fail to try, closed-minded. I just don't realize that I am one of them. I hate to live in a frame but I am actually framing myself.

I like and hate to explore myself. Like because I long for changes and growth. Hate because it's often painful, confused, stuck ed, and frustrated. I respect people who find fighting his own hardship challenging or even have fun from it. Me, I must admit that I am a coward. That I would avoid, escape, back off from any hard time. The more failure I experience, the more danger zone I got. Now I got nowhere else to go but trapping myself in the middle of the room. Where is the courage I used to have, I wonder. I envy the me who feel the world is all mine. That I was the center of the world. That the spotlight is always on me. And I don't give a damn to failure, judgement, age, prestige, wealth and status. And my future is so bright with unlimited possibilities and opportunities. That I have no regret for my life!

Last night I pray so hard for an answer of the waiting. As usual, no abstract reply from Him except "Trust me!" And then I went asleep. Today I got "As soon as you began to pray, an answer was given, which I have come to tell you, for you are highly esteemed. Therefore, consider the message and understand the vision" from Daniel 9:23. Where is the answer? Am I highly esteemed? Why haven't I feel it? Where is the message? Vision! What vision? I am not Daniel. I do not pray as he did, you know so humble and patiently and persistent. I am not good enough for an answer... ...

I just experience conversation with God. Just back from bible study at church. We read this and see what God replies in an instant to my doubts in new age impact on me. Colossians 2:2-11 My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ,in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments. For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him,rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. In him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ

New ager? am I?

Did a test yesterday in the pray seminar. I belong to the feeling type personality. That is, all my decision, action and thinking build on my feeling including touching and other physical contact. No wonder I can never reject men who sit close to me or start physical contact with me. In my pray, I always request God to hold me, to let me feel him, to hold my hand, etc. God is so kind that I sometimes get it. I am developed to this type and there's nothing wrong with it. But I admit I am demanding and not easy to be pleased because I am very insecure.Except feeling type, there are audio, video, self-talking type. End up my audio and video personality are quite even and score high enough. I am also a self-talking person (just 2 points less than feeling). I've been changing a lot these years. I get to know myself more and care about myself more. I develop my audio by gallery, museum and drawing. Develop my audio by listening to people and music. For self-talking, I do it since I was born because I have no one else. I am happy that my feeling does not freeze after isolation all these years.New age, I happen to have special interest in but I must pay real attention. Since I am such a curious person, every new thoughts get my attention. Crystal energy, environmental friendly, yoga, aromatherapy, meditation, dream sign, new age music, and hypnotherapy. I suddenly realize I am such a new ager. I used to believe in astrology and palm reading too. I must be very cautious for I know it now. When I learn to pray, I get very confused when clergy lead us into mediation and physic (well, at least I feel it this way) Of course I know deep down that it's for contacting God. But still I find it dangerous and weird. Really uncomfortable! I even skipped a week of class. Anyway, I figure I must be sure what is new age and what is wrong with it before I get stereotype.

Waiting for a job confirmation. Quite torturing indeed. Went swimming then felt so much better. I might be a fish :P

Love me, love me!

"Do you love me?" "Oh love me, love me!" A conversation I stalked from a fast food restaurant today while waiting for my delayed dinner box. A little girl about 5 wearing extra thick glasses asking her mother if she loves her. Mother was neglecting at first then annoyingly told her she does love her. The little girl then complaint about her brother who just fooled her by telling her mother does not love her. Mother was heartbroken and started to explain to her that she loves her and so does his brother.

Of course wicked brother had fun teasing sister and finding it a way to get some attention while parents are too focusing on the younger child in the family. Why would a little girl be that insecure in parents' love? This question came up to me during the whole waiting.

"Do you love me?" sounds so familiar in adults world. Everyday, women ask boyfriends or husbands whether they love them. Only that the exact wording turns into skillful gestures, body language, or linguistic hints. Because we are trained to ignore our needs, to be dishonest with our feelings, and to be as indirect as possible when we express them.

"love me love me!", the little girl whining at her mother. Even her father got shame on her when he noticed someone smiling at them. But he got me all wrong that I was actually enjoying this warm, sweet and private scene. Deep in my heart, I secretly bless this little girl, that she could forever has the gut and honesty and someone who is worth for asking out loud, to love her. Because when we grow up, we got too much proud and dignity to say that. We got too weak to be turned down. We build walls around us from people who may get too close and may hurt us. All these forbid us to admit deep down what we really want, we really need is to be loved.

Today I wanna shout to God, that I desire his love, unconditional love, the love that never let me down. And because of his love all over me, I have no choice but love him in return.

Coming up in my mind lately, seriously want to write a book. So much to tell from my past. So much feelings and message I want to share. Of course I won't expect the book to be big sell. I realize many write better than me. Many think deeper than me. But I am who I am. Looking for a theme inside. Shall I put my own story? or a novel is better? Shall it be a memoir? or a book of encouragement? Shall it be religious? or just follow the flow? My past starting to bother me because of this ambitious.

Peace from above

Jobless, failure, lonesome, boredom pulling me down bit by bit. I asked God when will it end. I asked him to give me a hand. I whine, I complain, I get angry and I frustrate. I got nothing else I can do grabbing like a drowning swimmer. It's another night of frustration, in bed I am too exhausted to pray. But I so needed God's reply and his being with me. Hopelessly, I raised my hand as if I were touching the sky. In a second, a peaceful feeling came up (or came down I don't really know). Then I found myself smiling and feeling of satisfaction inside. As if I had the world. He was there with me that night in bed. Speechless but with me bringing me peace and comfort.

Suddenly love classical, love opera, love legend singers. Because I am preparing for my grade 5 piano exam. Because Pavarotti left. Because of the movie "La vie en rose" - the story of Edith Piaf. Summing up, I guess I must learn from these for the hardworking, persistence in music. I've been always love music since ever. Even decided to study music after high school. Think I got some talent in music but unfortunately I am too lazy and proud to put any effort in anything. Thought business study can earn a fortune but eventually I was lost totally. Desperate childhood, I got only music to hide from the world. And only music touches my heart that wakes up my soul. By the time I couldn't worship, it was hymns that broke the wall. Music is a big gift from God and communication system from heaven.

Bitterness

I don't like myself for too much bitter feeling inside. That I really hate against the sweet stuffs of the others. That I can't help myself from coming up the feeling. I must admit bitterness always been with me since ever. Because of everything I long for when I have no way to get it. Why would people desire? Why can't people just be happy with what they already have? Why would we always think the next table get the better stuff? Why? It's a torture to someone who get stuck in it. That we suppress our feeling, pretend to be happy for others, sour but still secretly find the substitution but deep down we know it's not the same and never can be really satisfied.

A Trip to Vietnam

In between jobs, the best to do is to travel. Especially when you got a mother who murmurs all the time about how daughter neglects her. This is the good time to please her with a trip. So we went to a mystery, exotic country - Vietnam where I believe it gets enough excitements for distracting us from fighting during the trip.

First evening we arrived, it was a Thursday. The sky was still bright enough to see the French style residential building along the way to Hu Chi Ming city center. Turquoise, sky blue, pink, egg shell, sharp yellow even red they have been applying on the narrow, 3-storage-high condos. All with balcony decorated with plants, and tall wooden-frame window with light curtains. Not hard to see their heritage of artistic character from the French after the 100-year of colonial history.

Maybe I have just seen too many developing cities in China. Everything else to me reminded me of it. Except of course the tidiness and sanitary were contrast. Around 6pm we arrived the city center. The Notre Dame of Hu Chi Ming we saw with plenty of worshipers not only fill up the church, but also the front yard. Comparing to the Notre Dame de Paris, I must admit that this one doesn't impress me at all. Pink wall, not too large size, imitating circle glass windows. Even the garden on the front yard was boring and artificially unattractive. Among that, the faces of worshipers crowding outside the church were awesome. That really surprise me as for a former-communism country!

Next to the church, there is Central Post office. Remind me of the Gare(Train Station) in France. The use of green steel, pattern floor, high ceiling, wooden interior, French lighting gave a very 60s European style. Central Post office is designed by Effiel, who also designed La tour Effiel. No wonder! I sent a postcard to myself (that took almost 2 weeks to get to my hand).

Before we ate at a cruise on Saigon River, we shopped at the Antique Street in business district. Stuffs are expensive, commercial and touristic. Yet, I bought a recycle paper painting of a Vietnam lady in Ao dai, their tradition long dress that can perfectly display the beauty of women's body. The first time I confronted with Vietnam people (the sales girl), I found them kind of slow and gentle and not-too-smart in general. The cruise is fine. Well, nothing to see in the dark on Saigon River so they fed you with the showgirls singing and fire-dancing. Both not my taste, in fact a bit uncomfortable for the fire-dancing. Until a smelly magician started to play at every table, there came some fun. After all, I was just a kid I guess!

Je suis triste. Parce que j'ai fait rien toutes les anees. Et je pense que je peut toujours commencer au debut. Mais, non ce cois. Temps ne l'attend pas comme le vent. Et maintenant, je rest et je ne sais pas de quoi a faire. Comme ma vive serais comme ca. J'en n'ai assez!

I know my temper get worse recently. For no reason. Maybe I ve been waiting too long for things. I can smell the danger. I dont want to regret again. I have no solution. I tried play, relax, talk, pray, do something good. But nothing help. The feeling just comes up suddenly. When I see him wandering, starring at me, doing stupid thing. at the moment I hate him no love inside. It's scary for I can't control myself. I really need help.

Everyone gets new job except me. What's the problem with me? Not trying hard enough? Trying too hard? Not letting go my own desire? Am I being punished? Or some really great and special plan will be happening on me? buff.... never been that frustrated. Waiting..I spend years to wait... wondering when will it end.. the things I want for all these years. nothing for me. sick of happy for others. sick of hiding and pray. faith is shaking again.

I ve got tanned on Sunday. The weather was great. We four pretty at the beach were surely the stars. Hehe. The water was salt yet calm enough. I brought a kiddy float for fun. Crossing the nature arche by boat was fun and advanture. I guess all of us could enjoy the day and I was happy. J talked a lot about her romance recently. Jealous but still hoping the best go to her. Lying on the sand, feeling you own the world. So tired but worth.

Fail in Diet

2 days on diet. Give in today. So hungry and low in energy after helping at bookfair. Original plan is to have rice noodle and vegie at home. But then... get fast food and snack from Seven. Seeing my tummy and regreting right now. Slimming is the life long project for women. We women are very tragic. Never a moment we deeply in love with ourselves. Not hating the figure, hate pimple, hate leg not long enough, hate shoulder not wide and skinny enough. One time success in dieting, does not mean life time success. Poor us! Too worry to be called pork chop. Aging, extra pad worries us more severely. Love the planet, love the ocean, love your country, love your career... how about loving yourself?! Love the way you are. Love every stage of life. Love the changes physically as well as mentally. Love to be lack, love to be not perfect. Yeah and that is really loving yourself by not putting yourself in comparing with others. Nonsense! Coz everyone is unique no matter what they told you. (okee now I feel better with the chips :P)

Harry Potter 2nd last movie

Just get back from cinema. A free Harry Potter movie. Almost 2 hours sitting there, expecting an ending by misunderstanding (well, it's the book released for the ending, movie not yet). Not knowing if this is the reason, this time I will call it boring and artificial. Trying so hard to put the audience in excitement but sorry it's totally boring. Shallow too unlike the previous ones. Magic scenes too artificial lack of creativity. Body falls apart giving a sense of incomplete, messy and watching whole lot of broken pieces of scenes. Conclusion: disappointing! Not only myself but general survey afterward. Give it s second thought, can we blame anyone? The theme this time is human heart choosing from good and bad intention. Our brain, our thoughts are never well organized. Never with sequences. Never controlled. The movie makes me deeper feel the war every minutes in our heart that we fight for dignity, truth and righteousness. However, most of the time, we give in to the dark. Only friendship, love, trust, parenthood, encouragement, etc remind us of our power to fight back, to hang on, to stick with the good side. I shall not give in too easy, no matter what circumstances I am in.

Firefly encounter

S and I go a trip of nature observation this weekend. It was almost 35c degree. When my sweat running down at my back, I feel like I was the an ice-cream melting. Other than that, I like it very much. First we go to red bush seeing special species of insects and plants. Footprint on the shore to find the star fish. Guide tells us star fish can be with 5/6/8 legs according to the temperature of water. Cute! I tell S that I actually saw a large area of shore full of star shape on it. Those were all star fishes color from blue, purple to grey. It was stunning. And I realize how graceful I was to live by the nature for 2 years in SK. The guide shows us a kind of crab with white purple hand always unconsciously raising up like lifting. They are really tiny and if you are patient enough, you'll see many of them doing the lifting extremely funny. They call it Worship-crab! After seafood super, we go catch firefly. First time I see it really expecting them. Seriously, you've got to have enough faith to see it. Coz not many of them. Their lights are tiny and weak. You trust there are, you got patient and wait and be quiet, there you go you spot them. There is no word to describe it when you see them flying in the dark. O I love the Creator of the nature. My heart is screaming to heaven. Hmm I got to see them again sometime.

It is a moody day to me. In the piano lesson, I got really frustrated repeating the notes. I was asked why I looked so annoyed. Hey, what do I know! Counted the days, not period. Check my spiritual chart, not that low for I kept pray and reading bible almost everyday. What is it then? Maybe cousin's sad news are pulling me down? Maybe job hunting hit me real hard on my face? Maybe hormone is calling and no way out? God knows. I ask God, no reply this time. Headache is killing me. Lying in sofa, turn on msn. Chat a little, check some emails. Call F to check out something. Ah ha! She needs me right there. She was struggling with in potential affair. Dangerous!!!! My soul is all awaked. Consume all my mind set and dig out all bible learning and lifely spiritual experience to pull her out. Stand her up. Strengthen her. Remind her not alone and victory we already are! There I go. I got all awake and boredom all gone. Maybe the down is meant for pushing me to make this call? Maybe this call is to wake me up from unreasonable mood? God knows. But I give thanks for I am single. For I am free to choose. For the spare time and mind to refresh and feel God every movement on me.

Sexual Purity at St Andrew church

Daddy is very into elegant, classic stuff. To keep bringing him to Jesus, I brought him to the St Andrew Church yesterday for an evening service. The building conveys a grand and noble atmostphere. But the band is leading contempo christian music. Quite a scene! After 6, more come in. Mostly english-speaking chinese, some foreigners. I found their dressing very much different from ordinary chinese church. The usher was wearing a sporty bra top with a mesh sweater on top. I was not suprised indeed I felt comfy here. The whole service was in english. Daddy couldn't understant a word but suprisingly he kept awake the whole time. I believe God was there with us no matter the language barrier. Once again, I experience whenever I thought I am doing for other and God, I would be the one to be benefit. The sermon was about sexual purity! Where still I am stuggling at everyday. God is reminding me his standard in this area. Can't inherit God's land! Preacher compared sex perception of "modern" to perception of God.

We think sex is like chocolate God thinks sex is like ahcohol We think freedom to do God thinks fall into sin trap We think do for love God thinks silly excuse just like "kill for hateress" We think natural desire God thinks sex is greedy I appreciate the music that touched my heart, the pray for the single getting over the loneliness, the holybread sharing dipping into real wine is the very first time I do in such way. Surely will go back some sunday.

I dreamt of C yesterday. Seems that we get back together. I got to tell him what I like about him. The feeling is calm and cozy but not strong. Is that mean I still like him? Or just that I am too lonely? Never once before or after, there is a man love me that much, make me that important that probably every girl is long for.

insecure maniac

A word to descibe a waiting-for-love woman sometimes can't breath often bother by the pass the feeling so close to the end find no reason to go on from time to time exhaust even for a single step extremely scared of being alone for the rest of the life yet can't settle for ordinary what will happen to this kind of woman suffer from her own emotion not able to enjoy life before marriage but after marriage, she'll find out those were the best time ever in life that she did whatever she wanted then she gets to learn the different of tangible and intangible "soucis" the truth is waiting-for-love woman got too much time to think got too much resources to spend got too much freedom ending up focus too much one oneself open up! reach the world! you are so much more than that!

Dream of the past

I had nitemare last nite. It was terrible reflecting my fear from the past event and my relationship with parents. Everytime after these dreams, I was totally exhausted. I cried out loud to God, please move away my sin and my memory. Wash me until I am totally clean. Never let my sin bother me anymore. Set me free from my past. Never let me sink again. Please God, don't leave me alone. Bring me along with you and enable me to fly in your love. None of that become my burden. Set me free!

Cell dinner

Yesterday, dined out with cell. Wonderful moment. I love my cell. They are caring, cozy and fun. Most importantly, they struggle in God's love just like me. I can't stop laughing the whole nite that my face mussle got so tired. I haven't been so cheerful for long. I pray for more love and care and God's grace in our cell, and everyone...

This is a week for rest. Frankly I get exhausted from this temp. I really need to off no matter what. Can't imagine if I have to go on. Anyway, sometimes I miss my classes but with good feeling. Anyway, I recieved phone call from u buddy D. He was a close friend to me and saw me through many fail relationship but never judge me for a second. Well, there are few years we haven't seem each other. Since he studied in BJ, met his gf, studied aboard in France, and started working in Idontknowwhere. Suddeny got his call, my gut told me "bad news". Well he is getting married. That's not the bad part. But asking me to be his bridemaid , it is. People I do not wanna meet will see me putting on this clowd outfit and doing awdward stuff. But do I have a choice. I can't say no! Aiya... now what I do is to keep a good form of myself. All my trousers are too small proving my overweight problem is getting serious. Well, I got time. Let's do something with it. Or.... the worst case I stand him up as usual....hehe

Birthday

This is my 30something birthday(well I don't want to remember the something part). I spent my birthday outdoor. I am blessed because I found my energy is back when I rid the bike, rowed the boat with my best friend, and flied the kite. I don't feel exhausted anymore like before. I find my health better. I am glad. Also, I am very happy to see sister and best friend on my birthday. We can all enjoy the nature, our energy and laugh around. I am glad. I think I am different and easier to be happy than before. It's good. Like I got the key of happiness. Not easy for everyone. I am glad and I hope I hold the key until I die. And I hope I can show more people how to get the key of themselves. Not only happy on birthday, Happy everyday to myself and the ones I care!

June1 the last day of my teaching. With the bad feeling of making 2 classes crying after the exam, I tried best to enjoy my last day and treasure every moment. For I am pretty sure this is the last day of my life to teach. Well, I didn't get disappointed. The teachers are very kind. P2 and P4 classes love the little present I gave them. Some drawed me cards, some sent me chocolate, some asked my email address and msn account. I was impressed and touched. On the way home, I took the bus (my auto was in hospital). I read through every gift from them and I felt so warm inside. These are extra and special gift from the above I believe. That I experience the pure heart and graceful side of human, that I have already forgot for long time. Thank you!

May29 The second last day of my teaching. I was too busy to be emotion. After all I decide anyone who just breakup with boyfriend, go teach! It occupies all your times and thoughts that no spare room for others. Anyway, this week I gotta finish music exam for 5 classes as a music panel of the school. Exam includes singing and flute playing. Well, it's impossible even for an experience teacher. But as my practice, there is no impossible in my dictionary. Ending up the pressure all goes to the kids. I was impatient when they didn't perform well or they consumed more time than I expected. Some of them cried and got hurt by my smuggle face and cruel words. O I know I know, for I am never a gentle person. Being a supervisor, I always give my colleagues hard time. But hey they are kids and of course they are incapable to handle this witch! The words they put in my mouth was what I couldn't accept. Otherwise, I realize I am always a person with anger and impatient and never considerate others feeling when I am in pressure. Still remember the trip to the states early this year, my sister got so nervous and upset that she broke her car on the way to the airport. Just because I blame her for letting us so rush for our flight. Then you can see how much pressure I can convey to people around me. Nothing to be proud of. Really gotta make a change on it.

My 1st official boyfriend, we met in college. He is tall and handsome, gentle but insist, talent and snob. There was a year I hide my feeling towards him. He always made fun of me whenever he saw me in campus. It was difficult to like such a person. The fate then brought us closer and closer. One trip, one night, one room, everyone else were asleep. Except he and I were playing psyc test from a stupid magazine. Another night, another group sleepover, he held my hand and wrote a word on my palm with his finger. First time my hand was being hold by the one I like. First love never last. After the bleezy summer, we haven't see each other. I miss him from time to time. Because it was sweet and cozy, pure and charm.

Thank you

thank you for opening my eyes,
you show me the real face of life,
now I know I am not what I think,
it's not good but I don't hate myself
because you are there always loving me.

thank you for opening my heart,
you release me from hatress,
now I start to know about love and hope,
it's not easy to love people but I won't give up,
because you are there always loving me.

thank you for connecting with me,
you feed me, teach me, comfort me, clean me up,
now I feel free and happy the way I never had,
life is still hassle but I feel hassle-free,
because you are there always loving me, holding my hand, showering me with blesses that you promised.

I skip church again. The teaching thing is too consuming physically. I get exhausted on the weekend. Feel bad about that. Or maybe it's an excuse to skip cell meeting that I came up several times in my mind. But I didn't skip pray or bible study (except this week I got a fever). I really want to keep it up with God. Nothing is gonna stop me from being with him. I am sure He is protecting me from that.

You have seen what I did to the Egyptians, and how I took you, as on eagles' wings, guiding you to myself. Exodus 19:4
He saved me to enjoy intimacy with him. Not to achieve anything for him or for myself. Sometimes we are just too slavery. Not completing something in a stage of life, we feel failure, insecure and incompleted. But He never meant that way. Above all, being at his side is the most essential. Anything move us away from that, is not from him. I was once unable to enjoy with him. Now I feel so free to feel him, talk to him and listen to him. And I am satisfied. The very first time, I am satisfied. And I never want this to be taken away. It is my wish by now.

Feel romantic! Summer is coming - a season for love. Meeting lovely kids everyday, "how about getting my own", I thought. It is totally compulsive, for I know I ain't prepare for that, yet! However, desire and ability don't always come together. Like love a dress but no money. Like want to marry Brad but not Angelina. Like I always dream of buying a village and have all my family and friends live in and have fun and gathering everyday, like the Italian super huge family. But... aiya! Where am I going to... Anyway, I guess the hormone is calling again. Kids are cute and straigh forward that I have a lot to learn from. They like me too, I guess it's because I am one of them.

Cozy Saturday Night

It's a cozy Saturday night. Sister came to my place. I cook shrimp and corn pork for her. We chat fo hours. I thanks God for opening our heart to share. It's almost the first time she shared with me and consulted my opinion. I felt like we are sister that I have always long for. Meanwhile, I was also happy for her opening up which is a healthy gesture. I am really glad, plus we together look at the testimony and baptism photo from little sister in the States. We halleluja! I rejoice for having her fed full, able to let her sleep at my place. I thanks for the things I have and can share with the one I love. We pray for an hour. Tired yet powerful. My home became a real home since then. It was magic. I worry about her a little but thanks God for taking care of her any second.

What I love about Teaching So Far

When students told me I am the prettiest teacher at school, I found acceptance and love.

When I saw a mother brought her kid to school who kept crying until mother kissed her on her mouth, I learn tears are not always pity.

When I am having music lessons with my P2 class and hearing them singing, I hear the voice of angels.

I have never been so looking forward to lunch time ever because kids are waiting for me to sing grace with them.

When they so wanted to tell me their little story and gossip, I don't know where come my extra patient that I never had.

When I saw their little face getting so serious as they are in the test, my heart broke.

When I walked around the campus, I saw my hidden childhood, once pity, now being healed. God is touching my wound and make me feel much better. Feeling was complicated but getting more and more simple and crystal clear.

Yuen Nam Short Trip

Coming back from YuenNam Trip, very inspiring. Because of the long talk with the managing director of the organization. Because of the foreign gospeller who showed his love to the poor and children. Because of the many special care from God in our trip we can see. Because of seeing my best friend serving God with her gift from the above. Because of daddy taking care of Monster so I have nothing to worry about out there. Because of the new challenge of teaching at my own primary school when I am back. Only a temp post but excit me so much. A lot to learn from starting tomorrow. I feel so honor to be able to be a part of it.

Temp teaching post

Got a temp teaching offer at my own primary school. It was kind of exciting and amazed. Never went back since 12 years old. There, I knew about God for the first time. I will see old teachers and old high school classmates. Teaching P2 kids music and chinese, I feel a bit nervous, a bit happy and look forward to it. Plus I have to get up at 6 every morning. Aiya! Will I be able to do that? When I was in primary school, I had a record of late for 22 times a term. I must not create this record as a teacher. Aiya it's a real challenge to me but am happy to do that. Especially I do think God will lead me on the way.

A bad day

Got an interview today. A pure marketing job at a newspaper. O I so wanna have it. But too bad I lack of related experience. I think chances are very low. Down for an afternoon. Fringe too long need to be cut. Bad luck! I run into an unprofessional coiffeur who give me an unfinished, uneven, outdated haircut. The point is I love my previous one sooooo much except the fringe is too long. My own fault. I shouldn't let him touch other area but fringe only. I argue with him and not able to make him understand his problem... seriously critizing my communication skill! Despite all these bad mood, by the time I step in church for bible study, I change. By the time we worship, I begin to relief. By the time we start dig into Daniel's life, I forget. By the time pastor pray for us, I am heal. By the time J and I go grab a bite, I am able to share and listen. Only He can change me. Change my mood, fill me up, make me forget. Thanks you! I love you.

Music and Lyrics

Music is the sex and appearance. Lyrics are the soul, how you get in to know that person. In the movie "Music and Lyrics", Sophie said that and I found her speak my mind out. I love pop since I was little. Usually the melody catches me but the ones I really fall for are usually with deep touching lyrics. I guess love is the same. That we can crash into many handsome faces. But only the kind heart, sincere love linger for years. Music is always nice and important. But there is a formula to win just like a person. Lyrics however, are unique and personal. It's about matching. Match in character, match in timing, match in needs. All are good as long as written with heart and express one's true feeling. Are you living with your whole heart, so people see it from you? If you try hard enough to, someone will hear it. He will!

Feeling down recently. I want to be in love. I am lonely. I want to be hug into sleep. I miss the lost one. I am desperate. I lost my confident. No one want me? There is no one meant to be mine? I am not good enough? I am a defect? I did thing terribly wrong and deserve to end alone? Am I gonna have my own kids? Own family? Will my parents see me getting married? I don't have the confident now. I am very insecure and sad because I can't stand the loneliness.

Reject the Offer

I rejected the offer from the bible publisher. I am not sure which one is the real reason. But the one I told myself and friends is they need someone with physical support. Frankly, this is only a part of it. I also dislike the challenge. Not willing to work with stress people. Unprepared to face my real ability. I am quite sure of my lifestyle by now. That I need a job: stable, pleasant environment, friendly admosphere, an no stress. For I know myself I will quit in the end for the hardship and that is not I want for now. I want to settle and not wandering around at workplace. I hope God understand my weakness and prepare a suitable place for me.

Supports

Since the 1st interview, I started to struggle for whether to take it or leave it. I realize I have so many nice friends around me to support and advise. I feel very blessed. Although I still think career is personal stuff require own decision. Still appreciate every input from others.

My New Chihuahua - A brand new start

Coming back from the states, I think I m ready to pet again. And I have strong feeling that I wont be able to live without pet. HAHA. Single girl with a dog, what a typical scenario! Anyway, buying dad a brunch at the Four Season, we head off to pet shop. From an unrecognized pet shop, I find him. A brown color (like a moose), front legs with white tips, large ears and eyes, tiny. I love him at the first sight. He is on my lap. Playing with my mom now.
Almost a year now from his pass away. I know he won't mind I have a new friend. Never meant to replace him. Although I do find his shadow from new friend. Still everyone is unique. I will get his bone back next month. From the heaven, he watch over both of us. I love them both with all my heart.

An offer

My door is open for cecular and NGO. Have peace inside this time knowing God is leading. So I got an offer from a bible pulishing organization. The timing, pay, location is great. Only the boss... absolutely not a nice one. Lots of struggles, now I say I will follow whatever He leads me to. Because he will be responsible for that. Pray for me with big faith and guts.

Fail to be a counsellor

A bit disappointed. Getting back from the states for 2 days, I opened my mailbox and found the letter of rejection from the volunteer counsellor interview. This is the 2nd time of rejection since the Samaria. Although I found myself improved in these years, my personality is not suitable to be a counsellor. I kind of know it indeed. For I am impatient, eager to give advice and problem solving. That is not a practice of a professional councellor. Hence, I guess it's better that I don't invest my time and money in this area. Despite of that, I get to know myself more after this experience. I will keep finding a way to develop my gift.

Where I Have Been

http://douweosinga.com/projects/visitedcountries

Sisters chat

It's a wonderful Valentine's day. Because of a bargain air ticket I coincidentally found at travelocity, I arrive LA on the 13th midnight. I invited little sister who lives in LA to a dinner on the 14th. Even better, she brought me to fellowship. It's a Taiwanese fellowship group that sister goes every Wednesday. That night, I got a lot from the fellowship meeting and felt the spirit in worship. They have stable spiritual life and very willing to share.

She told her fellowship that I am the one to tell her about God. I ashamed. But God's work is amazing and incredible. After all these years, we both experience a lot and yet God heals our relationship and let us be in the bond of love. I love my sister so much and wish her all the best.

The goal of this trip is to have quality sharing with her and support her in spiritual life. I feel grateful for the first time to worship with my little sister. Happy for her to have a support group there. God lets us have intimate chat. He broke our gap, built trust between us, allowed me to show love to her. God also changed her to be more caring and patient and less self-centered. God lets her experience illness and things may be out of our control. I found this trip successful and gain a lot myself. Hope her and brother there live well and continue to seek God's way.

Arrival at the Big apple

Terrible flying. 15 hours from HK to NY. Especially that I was sore throat and had flu symptom last night. How come the technology still not able to deliver us in shorter time from one place to another? It is really a torture. Getting off the flight at 1pm NY time. Extremely dizzy and sleepy. $55 US the cap brought us to Manhattan. Despite the freezy wind, the weather is perfect. Sky is damn clear with sunshine and a few fluffy cloud. Just a bridge distance to Manhattan, the whole postcard view was coming to my sight. Empire Building, old fashion bridge, all kind of thin but tall high rise in various style shaping the town. I was exciting (although not my first time here). We stay at Best Western very close to the Broadway theatres. Hotel is very old and wore out fortunately neat enough to be unconscious until now 3:30am. Still muscle pain, I wonder how many days it takes to leave me alone. Tomorrow I plan to go for museums. Hope this trip with great fun with family. Looking forward to see sister.

Start with love

Monday becomes Sauna day with mother. Frankly, it's not my plan. I don't want to see her every week. I need buffer between us or I get impatient and stressed. God is training me to have intimacy with people. He trains me because I am the daughter he loves. And it's for my own good. In that case, I have to try accepting it. Mother came yesterday. She was not well but better control in her emotion. When I peeked her eating what I cooked for her in the mirror, I felt satisfied and happy. When we shared the couch watching TV together, I felt relax and comfy. Yes I am that simple. When I have love inside, it's not that hard to do anymore.

Sin Stops us from hearing God

Sin-offering is important because God hates sin. Before we can see God, understand his words, get intimate with Him, Know God's point of view, we have to confess our sin and pray for cleaning. That's why God used plenty of time and paragraphs to show Moses how to choose sheep, how to burn, who can do it, how the ceremony should be held. It is important! Most of the time, we are eager to request and busy on complaining and questioning. We forget the reason we are unable to hear God is that we have sin. Eventually, we don't realize our sin and neglect his words. Lost the ability on differentiating from holy and common, unclean and clean. Whenever there is distance between God and us, it's most likely our sin.
When Alan's sons used their own way burning strange fire to God, God killed them. The reason is God will be sanctified and glorified before his people. Why would God so angry about that? I only think of God teaches us the respect on him. Our attitude when taking his words is what he really care. He is God and he should be glorified. But we most of the time not taking his words that serious. When we are serving God especially, we must particularly stick with his bible. When we are in front of his people, we must particularly glorify him instead of using our own way, or glorifying ourselves. Leviticus 8-10

Insight from an interview

I was in an interview of counselling volunteer. I was exciting and looking forward to it. I prayed before I get in. I pray for the peace, calm, and if God thinks I can go for it, let me pass. I was calm enough during. It was a group interview and then a individual interview by two interviewers. I have some insight from this interview indeed. One interviewer told me she observed me with suitable elements in counsellor but not seeing any confident in me. That make me unstable when presenting myself. I don't see what I have myself and I don't have the gut to shout out loud that I have it. I have the empathy inside and it's the most important element. But I keep focus on skill and training or whether am I patient enough to be a counsellor.

I must confess I am never a confident person in my entire life. There was once I thought I am but turning into blindly gut and rebellion in most young people. Especially now, I am still emotionally weak and unstable. I am not sure of my capacity in my love and patient. Even doubt my ability in controlling my temper and emotions. Maybe I need to see my counsellor. Will I be able to live without self-confident? Will I be able to get in intimacy in future with that wound? I don't know. For the volunteer job, I will be glad to be trained in counselling and have chance in helping in the center. But I trust their ability in knowing whether I am suitable. And I believe God will lead me in or away.

Thoughts of Buddhism

Back from Shanghai, a city of charm. It's charm comes from crossover of traditions and modern. It's charm comes from fast developing, plenty of opportunities yet still remaining marks of its history. This is a trip to make mother happier plus it's my 5th visits. Instead of going to exciting places, we hopped in several temples. As a Christian, I see temple as architecture and history. We have many ancient temples some over a thousand years.

In old time, Government used Buddhism to control people for its reclusive teaching. Today, most Chinese are accustomed to this so-called traditional religion. For not much effort to put in and plenty of choice in god worshipping (god of health, god of wealth, god of fertility etc.), many claim themselves to be Buddhists without actually know what Buddhism is.

I have chance to meet monks of temples and to have vegetarian meals and tea with them (I love to be vegetarian too if I can make that dishes). I found that they are less religious than I thought. Running a temple first you need the support of government. To be the monk leader, good relationship with government is a must. Totally political. Monk and other positions at temples are perceived as good and stable career in Shanghai comparing to general living standard and they do possess prerogative. It's not surprise to find some of their intentions are not as pure as being "called" serving at these religious places.

I declare that I really respect monk and Buddhism. I especially love the construction of temples myself. Just that when I see people not really using their freedom of choice (a big gift from God), I feel sad for them. Religion is never a luxury product. It's the purpose of living. It's the origin of life. It's motivation of a fruitful, influential life. It is definitely worth for serious study and evaluate before committing into it. Use your heart to feel, pray for the spiritual insight, seek the real one! Don't settle for the second best!

A Depress Mother

Mother is going through bad mood again. She is difficult to be with. Picky and fussy on everything. Negative thoughts in every sentense. Making me feel tired and patient-consuming. God is telling me that I myself am a terrible person too. But God loves me and people love me. Now I have to learn to love her no matter how hard it is. She needs my caring and companionship. She is insecure. And I think she is mildly depress. I wish God gears me up with love energy. And give me wisdom to really help her to help herself rather than letting her rely on me totally. And I wish God opens her eyes and heart for his direct love. Amen

Where is my gut?

Am I escaping again? So I decided to work in non-profit. What am I expecting from there. Less money for sure but better self recognition?! Not really sure. Or am I actually escaping from the demanding and stressful commercial world? Deep down, I find less pressure from a non-profit because they pay me less. How about I am not confident to get a brilliant job out there. I find myself not competitive enough. I am not willing to lose. I am a coward?! If this is the fact, I look down myself for packaging it in such an elegant way! God, I am confuse.

Talk it out

My buddy told me I am in crisis. The stress of job hunting, the urge in marriage, uncertain self identification, and tendency of isolation in difficult time. Putting me in crisis whenever I felt insecure. Despite the unlimited love from the above, I feel not stable. So, I need companionship to share my weakness and get advice from someone who really listen and know me well and the most important of all, someone I trust. Glad to have buddy to talk this out.

Vanishing feelings

"Happy Birthday" a sad movie. Somehow I hate it for digging out my sensitive love nerves. A story of a 10-year-love relationship. The love so deep yet delicate. A relationship so close yet so far. Faith just enough to linger, not enough to step forward. For years... is it just stubborn or is it love for life? Can't tell until the two meets. The eye contacts, the happiness on the faces, the attractiveness between the two, suddenly only the two of them in the universe. No one else can fit in it anymore. Yes, it is love.

Dear, how are you lately? How's your family? Still working crazy? Any love life? May17 I always remember. When doggie left last year, I felt I must tell you. When you called me the other day, I collapsed. No one else I can cry on like I can to you. Just a few words you pronounced on the phone, I was not able to hold back anymore. Just feel so natural to release my feeling over you. As if I was so sure that you understand and you feel my pain. No matter what happened in between. How long we lost contact. Inside, I somehow still feel I have you. But I wish you love. I wish you the best. No matter I can enjoy with you or not at the end. It's just the movie bring out this feeling and I must tell you here...

Job Hunting

I started to find a job. I decided it's more suitable for me to serve in npo. Only in that environment, I can walk on his way with him closely. And that is what I treasure mostly now. But I don't have much experience in npo, I have fewer opportunity. Finding a job easily drags down one's dignity and self-confidence. Probably because you have to put yourself out there for them to choose, to judge, and to agree on. Your ability, your education, your personality, your every achievement in your life, all depend on their evaluation. I feel insecure and uncomfortable if I don't get any interview, or no offer after an interview. But I know he leads me to the right place eventually.

Forgiven or not?

In the old testament, people kill an animal and give it to God and he will be forgiven with his sin. In fact, that gesture represents a few things.
1. knowledge of sin so one has the ability to know when he commits one
2. fear of God; care of the relationship with God
3. guilty - that requires humble, putting down oneself, let God lead the life, has holy spirit inside
4. Confession openly - to the spiritual mature persons such as priest, confess to the public when the time came
How come I don't feel fully forgiven? Am I punishing myself? I don't have enough faith? Or is it because I can't confess openly? Am I not able move forward for that? Leviticus4-5

Burden of love

Mother is still angry with dad for not going to Japan with her. Of course I found her ridiculous as most of the times. But knowing her getting herself panic phobia, I don't want to see that. She is a very insecure and stubborn person and very immature. Very pride, controlling and annoying. However, after all all she needs is love. I just hope I have more love for her. So I spent more time with her recently. Bring her to ocean park, invite her to my place for the sauna and will accompany her to shanghai next week. I do feel extra burden with her on my shoulder sometimes. But I must admit I feel more comfy with her sometimes when she loves me back and has more flexibility. I am very poor in patient recently and she reminds me of the anxiety feeling. I really need God's support for all these.

Break Down

The more I intend to get another dog in my life, the more I miss him. The missing is more concrete than ever. His little face expression, his barking, his smell, his cuddling with me. I really miss him. The more I miss him, the more guilty I get. That night, my emotion dropped to the bottom. I question myself if I can love again, if I can live on, if I can ever really move on. I question if I am worth for being love by God and people around me. I weep and feel so guilty inside and I cry for help from him. He then ensures me he loves me. It is true. Thinking back this year, he loves me so much more than ever. Then I have courage to hang on. I know my heart will be stronger and already is. Maybe I am sick, but as long as God doesn't leave me alone, I have the power to live the fruitful life that blesses others.

Adversity

When David prayed to God under attack, he was still in confidence that God listened and will protected him. He still believed God was on his side. David has very close relationship with God. God once said David is who he fonded of. But David did not do everything right. And he did go through adversity. The point is - he could still rely on Him and he alone. That is what impressed God I believe. Adversity is inevitable in life. Many time we suspect it comes from above. Most of us cut out God in adversity do not realize that is the most necessary moments to rely on him. We are very weak in all relationship. Sharing the good times is easy but supporting each other in the downhill is almost impossible. We are very limited but we forget God is unlimited. I only wish no bad moment for me when I am not strong enough in faith. Palms6

A letter to God

Dear Lord,I thank you! You forgive me even before I confess my mistakes. You love me before I love you. You use me before I am well equipped for your work. Your love is so big that heal my damage soul and body. I thank you for everything. Today I was told by doctor that the HB disease in my body does not show in my blood test. After 3 years of medication, 50% of patients get used to it and need further treatment. And that is what I was told for all this time that one day, I will have to take a stronger and more expensive medicine to control the disease. How suprise I am to know that I can not only take the current medicine, but also the med is more effective than ever. Doctor suspects I take other supplement to have this result. Only you and I know, it's you. I refuse to take anything else other than the med doctor prescibes ever since I get this disease. But I have recently pray for healing my body. You hear that right! So you remind me of your almighty! Thank you thank you. I know there is long way to go. But I have faith. I know you are preparing me the best in my life. Thank you for loving me so much.

The Real Wisdom

There were times that my heart was stubborn and my eyes were blur. Everything from me is bitterness and hate and the regret of past. I told myself that I enjoy to be a loner but from the bottom of my heart I know it's not true. Just that I was stuck in my stupid pride, defensive, fear, and self pity. I was so silly to think I was smarter than everyone else. I guess only when our heart is moved by God, we then regain our real wisdom. The wisdom from the above, enable us to see ourselves, to confess our weakness, to get out from the bitterness, to see people and self in a total different way. It's the wisdom God gives just like he gave the Israels when they actually heard God's order. They began to freely use their skill, talent, and wisdom in serving him. I wish everyone I know get this real wisdom. For myself, I will not let it go again. Exodus35

Who do we think we are?

I was with a former colleague overnight. We chatted about our spiritual life as well as our struggle in reality. She always bring in new insight to me. And it seems that she appreciated insight from me too. I guess it is an example of communication between sister in Christ. On the other hand, I was phone chatting with someone else, she started to judge the leader in the cell. I am surprised how much I hate about people judging each other (especially the people you care). Paying too much attention on others, what they did and what they said about themselves or even about us, it does no good to us. If life is already so short and we have too much to live, why would we spend time on criticizing whether they are right or wrong. It seems so silly to me. Yes, maybe I am self-centered. But at least I am focus and peace. And I believe for the thing I need to know, God will let me hear that. I remind myself all the time, not to gossip and judge others especially to someone with good intention. It's not our position to do that. And for God sake, what do we know about right and wrong? Who do we think we are?

2007 List

2007 A year of love and exercise!

1. more church

2. love more

3. regular exercise

4. work! no matter what

5. bible! no matter what

Do we really fear of God?

"This is the one I esteem:he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." Isaiah 66:2 To tremble at his word, it represents our fear of him, really know him, take him seriously, really know the consequence of sin, respect him, put self down. Then we can really worship. What happen to us today? We think we know too much. We find ourselves in capable of anything. We overwrite his authority. We know he is God but deep down we rule. Yes we are just like the Israel with stiff-neck. When we see the light on the face of Moses, we fear for a while. He asked Israels to give their first child, first male cattle, first sheep, first-fruit to him. To train their faith, ensure he is the provider, learn to give thanks, keep in mind that he should be the first in their mind and heart. Why is humble that hard for us in front of God? Not able to trust God giving us the best? Inside, we are eager to rule our own life? We don't see thing ever happen to people who don't humble? There are plenty of time to fix it after? He is with great mercy and he will forgive? We are just too weak to fight the evil? aiya, it's never easy but worth for trying harder. Exodus 34

A response to my pray

One fine day! Doctor said my knee is totally healed but scolded me for lack of exercise. I have been lazy and pathetic and it's time to gear up and move. I know and he is so right. This year, I will do exercise three times a week. In the blood testing clinic, I was given a lecture in hepB (again!) It's like reminding me again to be optimistic and do my own part in keeping in a good shape. Years of being emotional in it, it's time to get out of the mist, free myself in health condition and have confidence in living the best of myself. Collecting clothes from tailor, I asked her if she remembered making doggies shirt for me once. She did and asked how's my dog. I told her he is gone. I can tell people about that now. When she greets me happy new year, there is warm in my heart. For the people who care about me, who have hope on me, who respect me, who look up to me, who love me, and it's been almost a year now. No matter how regret I am, how much I miss him, I must forget and forgive myself. Be a happy and free soul again! From now on! Daddy suddenly asks me on the dinner table. That if Jesus will come the second time. I know he heard my pray. I seize this opportunity and tell him what happen to us when Jesus come again. Tell him not to worship fake god. Tell him he is blessed because I am that he should have peace without the fungshui setting or other god. Holyspirit leads me to tell him that we all die and go somewhere. He believe in no life after death and that give him excuse in not seriously worry about after life. It comes up to my mind and I tells him about the book "the nine minutes of death". Without any plan, we walks to a Christian shop just a few steps from our restaurant. Dad finds the book himself! I know he listened to my pray and is working on him. I know one day he has mercy on him and will save his soul for me.

God hates that when we worship other thing

Very Scary! This is a chapter describing how God punish the one who sin. Especially the biggest sin - making self an idol to worship at! These are who God loves dearly. He has plan on them. He is going to give them the best. Just for a while, they couldn't wait and sin. But it's cruel to me for what Moses did. Asking them to kill their own brothers and friends for their sin. Now I know how precious it is for Jesus to come. Otherwise, we all die many times. How come the Jewish not believing in Jesus as saviour? They have miss out a lot. Why God find worship other God so big sin? Even killing, he can stand. Because he is the only one for real. He gave us life and create this world for us. He deeply loves us since. All he asks for is our faithful to him. Our rely on him only and our love back to him. Inside, I may still not agree but I give my faith. Exodus 32