Consult selectively

When parents act like kids, their kids have to expedite in growing up. I am one good example. I don't remember I ever enjoy one second of childhood. I was always being forced to handle circumstances exceeding my ability. Well, I survive! How?

Well, when problem comes up, I deal with it all by myself. Never once I discuss with family or friends when I was a kid. Simply because friends are not trustworthy and family is never available for me. I stay calm and think through every possible situation. Eventually, I figure (1) almost all problems can be solved by money and (2) even there is not a solution, the problem will go with the time. Then, it is really unnecessary to consult others.

Now that you know how I become such a loner. No matter at work place or in relationship, I really don't see the point of letting other participate in my decision. Because I really believe I can live without anyone. Well, as long as I have money in my pocket.

But recently, I have some different thought. Sharing is fun. Discussion is interesting and stimulating. Accepting the help of others is blessing. Simply hanging out is comfy. I believe Moses was so glad to see his father-in-law for he had a right person to share and to talk with. Well, maybe, I have changed. Or maybe, the other me has awaken.

Even Moses couldn't finish the task alone. He needed Arron to speak for him. Joshua to lead the army. Arron and Hur to hold his hand when praying on the hill. Now his father-in-law to remind him of management of Israel. He couldn't do everything himself. But to decentralize authority to talented and honest people. He must trust others, hands off and let others participate.

When there is a problem, many voices appear. Not all voices we have to listen to. Only listen to the one God uses, the one who loves God and praise him, the one with experience, the one with love as intention. And most importantly, the one who direct you to go back to bible. This is very helpful to a self-centered person like me. Exodus18

Victory At Work Place

Team working in God's work

Bravo! The war with Am'alek is beautiful. There are few elements in a victory I found:

1. God on their side clearly

2. use God's chosen one; and the right person in right place (Joshua pick and lead the army)

3. a lot of pray, that is, let God leads

4. not doing alone; but in team (Arron and Hur help holding his hand when he got tired)

5. continuous and persisting intimate relationship with God (when his hand down, they lose)

6. support your team with all your effort


Leadership never easy

Moses, as a leader, was never easy. He got scolded all the time. Only very often, he was appreciated. But God is always at his side teaching him the next step. However, never once (so far I read) God comforted him alone. If this is a model of leadership, it tells us clearly that leadership in his work is totally different from in the world. We gain wealth, power, prestige and others good stuffs. But leader in him get fault-picking, challenge, disapproval, even get stoned for Moses. We may get tired, frustated, annoying, even faithless. We may use our own interpersonal skill, management tool, or give up our vision in the first place as for a solution. But in fact, the only way is to ask God for the instruction of next step. His instructions are precise that we can just follow step by step. Most important of all, keep in mind that HE is the leader not us! - Exodus17

Team working in God's work Bravo! The war with Am'alek is beautiful. There are few elements to win: 1. God on their side clearly 2. use God's chosen one; and the right person in right place (Joshua pick and lead the army) 3. plenty of prays, that is, let God leads 4. not doing alone; but in team (Arron and Hur help holding his hand when he got tired) 5. continuous and persisting intimate relationship with God (when his hand down, they lose) 6. support your team with all your effort Leadership never easy Moses, as a leader, was never easy. He got scolded all the time. Only very often, he was appreciated. But God is always at his side teaching him the next step. However, never once (so far I read) God comforted him alone. If this is a model of leadership, it tells us clearly that leadership in his work is totally different from in the world. Being leaders in the world, we gain wealth, power, prestige and others good stuffs. But leader in him get fault-picking, challenge, disapproval, even get stoned for Moses. We may get tired, frustrated, annoying, even faithless. We may use our own interpersonal skill, management tool, or give up our vision in the first place as for a solution. But in fact, the only way is to ask God for the instruction of next step. His instructions are precise that we can just follow step by step. Most important of all, keep in mind that HE is the leader, not us! -Exodus17

Let go our hand

Sabbath- it's a law to worship on the 7th day To we big city person, a day off even on Sunday is luxury. The harder we work on the weekdays, the harder we play on the weekend as for redeem. God himself does not work on the 7th day. And he requests us not to. And the day is for him not for us to take courses, meet friends, rest our body or entertain ourselves. Individualism rationalizes our lifestyle and ignoring the law. But take a second thought, it's not too much to ask by as a creator and provider. And it's a gift for us to rest in peace alive.

Manna- God, the provider He heard our complain and physical need. He provided manna for 40years. But he always reminds us that physical need is not everything. Our spirit and relationship with him are what he actually cares. So he wanted Israel not to keep manna overnight. It's to train their discipline, their loyalty, their faith in him and practising in relying on him ONLY.

Trust him or Trust ourselves Our faith is smaller than a piece of seed. I am an insecure person. Contingency is a must for every decision. Although I ask him for help, I always have my own backup plan. The world says it's smart but God doesn't. Letting go our hand and relying on him actually requires training. Bit by bit. It's torture because our hand still grabbing. Because we still believe we can. Because we still think what if... Because we are too afraid to lose. Because we don't know him enough. Because we never give him a real chance.

A man grabs a trunk of a tree when falling from a cliff. Hours later, he is exhausted. He prays for help desperately. In the end, he falls. he thinks he will die but he doesn't. Because the ground is less than one feet right under. The hours of struggling...is it smart? Is it inevitable? Exodus16

Judgemental

This wedding brings us together. There were too much unhappiness these years in our family. There are tears of course for the one in our memory. New start and hope wash away the sorrow. That's what I bless from the bottom of my heart.

I picked up mom and dad and we arrived on time. Cousin V begged me to be MC with her. I was not prepared but I wanted to support her and the wedding. So I did. It's my first time to me MC. I was not doing perfectly but I learnt some important stuff from this experience.

I was a very stressed person since I was young. I make noise with my teeth when I sleep. I hold my fist tightly unconsciously. I have lots of dream in sleep. I rely on addiction to put myself asleep. I was never a happy and open person. I never speak out my opinion. I hide my real feeling. I pay too much attention on what people think about me. I rather withdraw than risk under uncertainties. Eventually I become a passive, irresponsible person, indecisive.

But now I know it's not the real me. I am expressive. I enjoy close relationship. I like adventure and new experience. I love to laugh at everything and be relax all the time. I hate to guess and think too much on why people say or do such thing. I am a passionate person.

My personality is distorted. Because I have a judgemental mother!

When I was on the stage, I noticed I worried about what mother thought of my performance. I desired her support and approval. Other than her, I actually didn't care what other think. After the wedding, she gave me a judgemental glance showing disapproval of my speech. I had a second of bad feeling. But then I tried to get it over. I went through every words I said on the stage and started to critizise myself. What am I doing to myself? It's already over. And no one is going to see me again there. In fact, no one knows me there. It's not my time to show off ability. I was just being supportive!

Suddenly, I know. It's her! She is still a pressure to me. Whatever she said means a lot to me. Even many are prejudice and subjective. I spend life time to please her, to get her approval. And my counsellor has told me not once that it's enough! It's my choice to get out from the myth.

No wonder I hate to judge and to be judged that much. And unconsciously I become very open minded. Because I experience myself that judgement can be very destructive to a person. No one has the authority to do that to other. No one can say his judgement is absolutely right. And judgement itself is always negative, for own pleasure and great harm on other.

I am learning to release myself. But at the same time, I have to learn how to accept positive suggestion. Because no one is always right on everything. I can't just reject any comment only because my self esteem is being attacked. To get it balanced becoming a more mature and wise adult is what I like to achieve.

Cousin's Wedding

Today is a special day. The first cousin in our family get married. I have a big family. 5 aunties, 3 uncles and 18 cousins. We are quite bonded when we were young, when grandma is here. I am one of the elder seeing them grow up. But I was never too closed to them for I left the country long time ago. I always regret that.

Since when, I heard problems coming up in each family. Affairs, money, crime, etc. The most heardbreaking one is ... my little cousin killed herself. She was only 19 and she was under medication on depression. It was about 5 years ago.

When grandma left, it was very hard for all of us. Grandma is a very tough woman with very kind heart. She is the muse, the center, the bond to us. I love her old stories, her life philosophy, her comfort when mother beat me up, love chatting with her about everything. She always encourage me never once being negative.

I guess her leaving is not easy for all of us. We met less after. Less love in the family. More problem comes up. She loves every grandkids. If she knows Tingting is gone like that, she would be ..... or she would not let that happen.

The groom is the elder brother of Tingting. The wedding day is her birthday - the 22th of November. Every family members (still in hong kong) will go tonight. Bring in some happiness to the family after all. There is a scene in my dream...... that just like the old time when we were all kids. We can always be there in each gathering. Grandma is busy in preparing food. Aunts and uncles are busy in playing marjong and chichating. We kids are busy playing creative but silly games. Laugh spreads everywhere in the house... Everyone is there...

Praise, no matter what

This is a chapter of praise. Israels saw and experienced the work of God. They couldn't stop expressing their praise to him. His power, his strength, his Almighty's, his distinction. They praised, gave thanks, assured God, shout out loud that they trust him with joy.

Sister told me many times that worship and praise is very important. Only that we worship the Lord is happy and pleased. When we praise, satan has to escape. When our mouth and heart praise the lord, we no longer focus on the world and ourselves but God himself. We can see more clearly for the circumstances. Holy spirit comforts our soul. No matter delightful or depress, praise!

God adores King David. Although he committed sin, he always praise and take God's words seriously. He has a very close relationship with God. The problem is to praise right after seeing him is easy. But to keep praising no matter what is hard. We are man with little faith. Or I am. When I see there is no water for 3 days, I will defintely complain too (just like the israel).

Why some people have big faith and some don't? I believe it's their growing background. People bitter as me, will always untrusted and jealous. They will never have a free and joyful heart. It is pathetic. God can changes me a bit. But only I let him to. The bitter roots at me and hard to wash away. I want to be able to praise all the time from he bottom of my heart. Exdous15

The 35th French Cinepanorama

35th French Cinepanorama in Hong Kong this year started next week. Despite my dissertation's deadline, I can't stop myself from getting the tickets. mmmm very much looking forward to it... Love movie since I was young. Movies, cure depress. Create a world for hiding away to. Teach various perception of life. Make dream comes true. Encourage to think deeper. Balance the mood. Foreign movies especially, show us the world, the culture, the different ways of thinking, the music. Love french movies beacause they tell my mind. Sometimes crazy, sometimes moody, always sohpisticated. Yeah just like me!

Fear of God

When Israel saw the great work God did to Egyptians, "they fear of God and believe him!" Talking about fear of God, I never do. I don't know why, maybe I am against everything including his power. Somehow I fear but just not enough to not challenge him. Since the illness happened on me, I begin to fear a bit. Not that afraid of dying (as I know I will be in heaven), but don't want to die in pain, suffer, wasting money to heal, losing freedom in going here and there, can do nothing (I have many things wanting to do?!). Without fear of God, we do lots of bad things to ourselves. In the end, all we find is nothing is worth for joy and fulfilment. Dropping deep down the Cliff, the feeling is so scary, hopeless and dead (trust me! It's exactly the feeling when I got anxiety attack). He already told us in the beginning. Only that we fear and follow his way, we are his happy kids. Easy! Fear of God, not because we're weak, but we are smart! Exodus14

Stay Still, Keep Quiet before Complaining

Have heard the Red Sea story many times. But this time a bit different. Feel like I'm one of them. Israel still complained, after all the great things God did for them to bring them out. In this year, he let me see many things he did on me. Still I complain a lot. Moses told them to stay still and keep quiet for God will do the rest. I like complaining and I have no trust in my heart. So I easily go up and down. When I see, I trust, I praise, I am happy. When I can't see, I lose faith, I withdraw, I am depress. Maybe for once, I keep quiet, stay still and then I will see the work of God. Try it next time.

Magic Words

I am taking this lesson of sex and sanctification. He gave me words from bible to strengthen my will.
"It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit." 1Thess 4:3-8

"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." 1Cor 6:9,10

"put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts." Rom 13:14

The Bible commands "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry." Col 3:5 It says, "Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people." Ephesians 5:3 And it says simply "Flee from sexual immorality." 1 Corinthians 6:18

Romans 6:11-15"Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace. What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? Certainly not!"

"No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him. Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. He who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous. He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work. No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God." 1John 3:6-9

"This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother." 1John 3:10

So "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you— unless, of course, you fail the test?" 2Cor 13:5

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1Cor 10:13

"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable— if anything is excellent or praiseworthy— think about such things." Php 4:8

Even Paul experienced that, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me." 2Cor 12:7

"the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age." 1Tim 2:11,12

It's important to fear of him, to know it's a trap of satan, to confess it's a sin. After reading these messages, I suddenly decided. Just like how I quit smoking. But the temptation is still coming. First the spanish guy keeps calling the whole weekend. Then the flesh keeps bothering even my period is finished. Last nite I pray for taking it away. Then miricle happened. The flesh went away eventually when I pray "Jesus is the one who conquers death, he certainly has the power to take it away from me!". At that moment, I see the almighty of God and how he is being with me when I need him. I praise him and can't stop the joy in my heart. I have more confident in fighting the feeling now. And this morning, he encourages me by the daily bread. He said when I follow his way, his blesses are always with me showing in tiny things in my daily life and I don't even have to pray for them. :)

The importancy of thanks giving

There are years of blacking out that I can't love(not even myself), can't live(dead body living in the past), can't meet anyone(not even friends and family), can't play and work. He brings me out of the sorrow with his perfect plan and love. Now I can love a little bit, can sometimes accept love, am less hopeless, can work and make new friends, have more insight of my life and my talent. He changes me.

I have my family back. I can share with them now. Deeply share. I praise him since it's impossible without his hand. To sin, I am more sensitive. Cos neither me nor God will let our connection lost again. He cares for me too much that he use every way to tell me what is not good for me. If I miss it, he says it again and again. If I follow, he encourages me always.

He wants me to remember his love on me just like he wants Israel people to remember He brought them out of Egypt. Because he knows if we forget his love, we start to focus on ourselves and we won't be able to go on. Only that we put our eyes on him, we have energy to walk through any difficulties with him. He is never wrong.

And when I always praise and give thanks to what he did on me, to share with others about it, I will get encouraged, recharged, reminded, and joy when seeing other being encouraged. My pace will be light and easy and he will be with me leading me by night and by day. These are his words given to us! Exodus 12

Good Planner for our life

Hurray!! After 430 years, God brought them out from Egypt. A total triumph to God, Moses, Arron, and every Israel people.

God is a very good planner. He prepared them lamp meal before they went on long trip. God made Egyptians give them gold and precious and animals. When He prepares for me, He is always very considerate and the timing is always perfect. Only that sometimes I'm not able to see through and get annoying. Faith in Him is what I need. Seeing how he planned in the history enhance my faith.

In the killing, God indeed left many rooms for Egyptians. I imagine if some Egyptians heard what God had done and believe He is the God. Follow everything the Israel people did to survive. Since He is faithful for his words, he might also pass their home and not killing their first son. Well, m not sure but possible. God loves our trust and loyalty in him. In fact, all he wants from us is that. He is doing the same to us and must be heartbroken when we betray him.

In contrary, sometimes we think God still loves us even we ignore him. It is in the bible that there are things for us to do and to not do exactly as he said. Otherwise, death! Jesus has changed everything. But there are still thing against His righteousness and pureness. Ignorance may not bring in death from God, but possible to bring us away from Him and hence our lives are no longer with blesses, joy and peace. Are you willing to give up the most precious things for ignoring him?

Humble before Him

How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me? - God asked Pharaoh. It's also a question asking me a lot of times. I am never a humble person. I learnt to cover my low self-esteem up with pride. I trained myself to not fear of anything and anyone. In any circumstances, I must be able to survive. Lack of love, I desire people to need me, praise me, envy me. After several bad experience in trusting people, I figured to lock my faith up sans souci. Isolation emotionally make me more focus on myself and not interested in others.

I am spoiled and now I can't humble. God knows it's very dangerous. For there is always obstacle to walk on the right track. Rebel, argue, resist, stone-heart, not able to focus on him... These are all the outcome of not humble. Satan felt from an angel because he can't be humble before God. Pharaoh lost the lives of the first-born children in his own country because he insisted not humble before God. and how about me?

When God punished, he always distinct Isreal people from Egyptians. The chosen one should be different from others. God himself treats us differently. People keep telling me I am a person of grace. Very lucky and blessed. Sister said it's because I accepted Jesus since I was young. He treats me differently from others. He chose me and he sticks with it. But I am still back and forth from choosing him or the world(or myself). Exodus 10-11

Stanley day trip

Mother seems having a great day. I accompany her to check up on her eye. Then I drive her to Stanley. We spend a whole afternoon there and we discover a beach resturant together. Then we meet up with sister for dinner at LKW. I never see her with that much patient. And that easy to be pleased (a french fries, a hot chocolate, a good bargain can already make her that thanksful) Plus she is more willing to listen now and now she shows she really care about us. Frankly, I am glad. And it's never too late for that. All the hurts and unhappiness are washed away. As a matter of fact, I am suprise with the great understanding when we share and talk! Sister is also more patient and passionate. I am glad to have a sister back. Now I hope dad's perception of life can be changed too. I can see he is seeking and still not get there yet.

He said to me gently, "let me!"

Reading Exodus for a week. Many will say why Pharoah be so stupid to fight with almighty God. It is so obvious that He is the Lord. Hardly realize that I am the same most of the time. There are many times I challenge God. I know he doesn't like but I say why not. I know he wants me to do something but I just don't want to give up. Like Pharoah didn't want to give up his labour and power. I know God wants to be the controller in me but I am not prepared to let him. Like Pharoah, I am the one in charge and I don't want to let Him.

Of course when Jesus died for me, I will not be punished like what Egyptian got. But for the consequence of my own sin, my own choice, I have to clean the mess myself. It takes longer and it's harder than what I expected. I am so fed up now.

Many times I told God, I am ready now. Let you be in charge. But then, I send my soldiers to chase the Israels to red sea. Although I don't understand when God said he made Pharoah's heart hard as stone, I believe as long as I cry for help, Jesus will support me, help me, give me strength to clean the mess and to fight the opposite voice inside of me.

Because God shows his gentle in this chapter. For He can kill Pharoah easy but he wanted to show him his almighty and let others know His name. For he kill all plants but the young wheat and spelt. For using heavy hail to kill Egyptians but giving a chance to those who trust and fear of him. He is a gentle God who loves us dearly as well as little plant. He loves his creations.

And because he loves me dearly no matter what and I have plenty of experience for that! And I pray for never stop giving me the courage to hang on, to live on, and not to give it up, not a second.......

New friends

My scanner is dead but I must convert the questionaire to jpeg file. So I went to my new friend's place (very close to me) to scan it. She is very nice to me and I really enjoy being with her. I am glad to have nice new friends this year. Some are really caring. Some bring me new perception. Some I can share and give. Light up my life so much this year. I had a few offer to play recently. Day trip to Macau and China. I am happy that they thought of me and want to spend time with me. Also, cousin has sent me encouragement calls. Yes, we are not designed as one but pair. It's not right to isolate I guess.

Use Bible to fight the world

When Moses said he was not capable, God gave him his brother to speak for him in front of Pheroah. God knows our weakness. God knows our faith is not enough. He will help us with his own ways. He is very considerate. In this chapeter, I feel God is actually with Moses and Aaron in the palace. He is there physically. When we fight with the world, God is physically with us. He is there. All we need to do is to use his exact words - bible. Nothing to fear because God is there and he is almighty God. It's strange to me for what Pheroah did. He chose to trust the witches but not almighty God. Because the witches listened to what he commanded and God didn't. He wanted to rule so much. When I intend to rule, I choose not to listen to God. I will forget his words and my heart will turn to stone-hard. It's scary to not seeing myself walking on fire, to death, to away from God. Not realize what I am giving up - his prescious gift and his love. Everyone can see. Only me cannot. I don't want to be Pheroah. Anymore...

I am Scared

Yesterday night, the feeling came to me. I lied on the bed. Suddenly there came the helpless, annoying, breathless feeling. I couldn't stand it and in a second, I got up and got to the window, opened it and I found half of my body was out there. Fear woke me up and I shouted at the street. I got myself back sitting beside the window and starting to laugh. The kind of laugh I didn't understand at all. I feel that I can no longer control my feeling, even my body. I woke up in the morning and I am afraid that I lost the will to go on.

Stop murmuring as He is Lord

This chapter talks about Moses negotiated with God. God however didn't say anything else but to repeat many times that HE IS LORD. Moese however still worried a lot and keep negotiating.

Yes, I always want Him to listen carefully to me and do what I want. But seldom I hear what he's saying and what he want me to do. God wanted Moses to tell Pharaoh and Israel people exactly what He was told. But Moses just focuses on his worries. He is Lord. He already told us many times. Implying nothing to be worry about. Everything is in His hand, in his plan.

Next time when I worry about anything forbidding me to step forward, I must remember that He is Lord! And I will learn to keep quiet and listen to you.

God also reminded us that He is the one who keep his promise. What He said he will give, He will make it happen. He is a faithful friend to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and so to us. He will never forget us. He listens to our groanning. He knows our suffering. He is there when we pray to him. Never give up praying to him.

God wanted to kill Moses!

It's very scary message for today's bible reading. God wanted to kill Moses. Moses, the one he chose to do big thing for him and for his beloved Israel citizens. The one he has big plan on and has prepared him for long time. Why?

From Exodus4, it mentions God wanted to kill him until his wife willing to cut off the foreskin of their son. Circumcision, is it THAT important? God said yes it is important. It's important especially when Moses has been chosen.

Reading some explanations essays on "Circumcision", I discover that it's not only our action of endorsement with the contract God made with us, but also our responsibility to show our will to give up our body - our physical image, our old self, our own will, our old value system, the one who loves the world more than God, our so-called "basic" needs such as gourmet, fashion, fit body shape, charming look, sex drive, auto and flat, high qualifications, or even a rich intelligent mate.

Moses ignored God's command. Please his wife more than please God. Although he's on the way to Egypt working for him, he was never totally surrendered. He kept his own thought, still did thing in own way, kept suspect himself and God even God has patiently explained and showed him his power and told him who he is.

How many of us can give up ourselves for him? To me, giving up material is hard, but not as hard as giving up myself. During the years, if not the system I built for myself, how can I survive till today. Well that's what I believe. God says I can survive because of his grace on me. Not a penny I give has any impact on my own life. Until now, I can't accept that and I pray for God taking this stubborn concept away before he kills me.

Another reason for not giving up is my suffering past. Because of that, I don't want to give up pleasure in life. I often justify what I want to do knowing that He is not happy with. The whole world is doing that. Why I cannot? Why is that against bible? Life is for pleasure not for suffering! blablabla... I realize whenever I get upset with life, I let myself get into physical indulgence. God reminds me I will pay the bill my own. One thing I am happy with is that, this time he is not silent. He is using everyone, every way to remind me. Lord, please forgive my capricious and bath me with your grace. Help me in resistant in the temptations. Never let go of my hand.

Circumcision - God commands us as a must do in order to get peace, get close to him, work for him, and to be protected under his contract with us. No wonder I never have peace inside of me. The old me has never gone. The old value I do not want to give up and gradually I don't even recognize. When we insist our own way, God will of course not give us up. But he will keep silent (as for Abram that God didn't speak with him for 13 years after he got a son with his maid). I myself have experienced God's silent for years and it's terrible. It's like the soul has been shut down and no connection no matter what.

Don't let this ever happen to you! Be smart and seize God's connection with you. All we do is to trust. As Jesus himself has gone through death with his body, we must believe with his strength, to our body and our old self, we are free!

FAMILY: Father And Mother, I Love You!

As an infant, we rely on parents - to feed us, to love us. What they give is what we will be one day.

As a teenager, we can't wait to detach from them. Friends and romance are the only thing we treasure. To be independant, to get rid of their shadow, to experience, to explore as much as possible. Never a moment, we think of family.

As a late 20 girl, most are desperate for own family. Addict to love and blindly believe in it. But the effort we put in relationship and career gets us wounds and insecurity. When we need to recover and recharge, it's the first time we find the value of family.

Now it's my early 30. Health issue comes up more and more frequently. All in a sudden, I remember everytime I was in hospital, and everytime I became so weak, they were there giving everything of themselves. It's the family that's always silently support. It's the parents who always care too much for us. It's them who never give us up even after big fights. It's them we never invest but get exceeding returns.

Then I realize things I am proud of myself, are all came from what they give when I was an infant. The person I am today, is what they invest on me for all these years. I never give a damn to invest on them. Well, they did! Otherwise, what would I be today...

The sitcom I watched tonight, a father is really angry with her daughter. The daughter told her friend that, without her dad, she has no backup and support emotionally and she doesn't know how to live anymore. So many times, when I am weak emotionally, or when I am upset at workplace, or I get stuck in life, I know they are there at my back. They are in my team, supporting every decision I made. I am not alone for problems. When I have no confidence, I know in the world, there are someone thinking I am the best. Believing I can do it. And so proud of me. It is why I can hang on and laugh back.

The Rest of my Life

I don't think I can finish the paper myself. In fact, I really can't concentrate and have no motivation to do it now. I know it is not good, but .... I must get help and most important of all ... to get it done. What I really want to be ... for the rest of my life. How long more... How much more hard time to get over? When will the good time come? When will I be happy? The bible says - helping and giving is the key of happiness. Will that bring me to real happiness? Or just something like a love affair... that make me more lonely afterwards? I am very tired. Why is Van goh has the gut to cut up his ear? Why do people with cancer can still encourage others? Why do we need so many money? Why am I so handicap in loving and caring? Dad just comes to renew car register for me. There is a long time we didn't chat for I have been so sick for weeks. He gets older. I am afraid one day I lose him too. Please don't do that to me. I will die too. Sister calls and preaches for an hour. Of course she is damn right. I am weak. I refuse to exercise. I enjoy sinking. I am pathetic. And for all those, I will be the one to suffer. Sinking........ When she shares how she gets over her sickness, my heart breaks. I must be stonger

A Down Day

I am very very depress. I can't sleep for more than 3hours for days. My head is going to exploit. I lie on the bed in the morning, cannot sleep, feel empty. Only my Serta Sheep is with me. But I can't even talk to him. I bring it with me to the service, I cry during the preach. I leave alone cos no one is availble for me. Even the masseur is busy. Maybe a cup of coffee from SK will ease my pain. I almost cry when I see the coffee shop is already not there. With empty soul and stomach, I float from street to street. Even shopping therapy doesn't work as I can't find anything interesting enough to pay for. Until my knee gets hurt, I drive back to my cave. Maybe it's pms......

Salvation for Mother

Mother makes me worry for her addiction in buddish. She wasted plenty of money and her own healthy in it. It is nice that she has someone to hang out with. But it is scary that she always go for praying for dead people. When she told me her testimony of meeting dead people, I see the urge in bringing her to Jesus.

It's hard for me to keep objective in religion with her. She is my mom and there is only one salvation. How can I make her believe and understand that?

There is one little hope. At lunch, she told me she wanna visit holyland with sister this year. As she is interested in history of all religion. There is always a window open in a worst situation!

I Loved You Best Jim Willis

So this is where we part, My Friend, and you'll run on, around the bend, gone from sight, but not from mind, new pleasures there you'll surely find. I will go on, I'll find the strength, life measures quality, not its length. One long embrace before you leave, share one last look, before I grieve. There are others, that much is true, but they be they, and they aren't you. And I, fair, impartial, or so I thought, will remember well all you've taught. Your place I'll hold, you will be missed, the fur I stroked, the nose I kissed. And as you journey to your final rest, take with you this...I loved you best.

God with you now?

Read a story about "where do pets come from?". It says at the time only Adam in the world with God, God creates a very special animal to accompany Adam. This animal is a reflection of God's love to us. And hence, it was named backward of God - dog!

I know this is not necessary the fact. But my tear ran out. It's like a comfort from God confirming that he sent me this little dog to teach me love, to show me how himself, to love me whoever I am, to have only me in his heart, to wait for my return in loving him back while I am learning, to always be with me, to establish my confident in myself and others, to be a bridge between me and family, friends, and the society, to make me laugh, to bring out my barried soul.

If God sees dog so special, no wonder he changed me so much. He was an angel sent by God to me. But I am sorry... for not being a good master, for the insensitive to your needs, for the bad temper, for forcing you to learn tricks that only for my pride, for ......... I am sorry baby! Please forgive me. God, I hope you can take him with you now. So one day I can see him and tell him ....... if you are looking at me in the Heaven now, would you forgive me.........

In Prison for a month

It is about one month from the dissertation deadline. I decided I must prison myself and focus on the work. After announcing to all friends, colleagues and family, still there are some blind fly calling like crazy. Anyway, before I started to get in the prison, I went to have lunch with mother. As a matter of fact, I miss her. I am very moody these few days. Miss him a lot. Maybe the autumn wind reminds me of him. Or maybe the loneliness does. Or maybe, it's Gicigubi, a young female disc jockey committed sucide for missing her passed away mother too much. She is a very cool girl also very sensitive. It is a gift for seeing the world in a different way with her art talent. But sometimes, too sensitive will kill. I pray for her silently in my heart and I wanna see mother. There are many times that I wanna hug her. But I didn't because I can't. I hope I can before it's too late.