The last night of 2010, I got this dream that I can't even define it's good or bad. I mean the content is exactly what I long for. But it's so real that I almost celebrate then I found myself awake from a dream. Too good to be true. I hate it. I blame God for this joke. So cruel to me. I can remember every tiny little detail. He and I met again. We decided to get married. He said we can have our own children if I want any. Then I said I really long for children but he got children already from his previous marriage. No sex in the dream just a warm happy ending scene. But at the end I suspected if he actually got his divorced done or I just become the mistress. Terrible terrible terrible! God I will never be someone mistress no matter how much I love him. And I want to have my own family with someone experience-less. Listen to my prayer.... Protect me from these kind of dreams....

genogram1

need to start with genogram. dinner w dad probing for his side of detail. Finally I find dad’s life more concrete. tiny details glue things together making a whole picture. It requires patient to listen but worthy. I’m glad there’s no resistance from him. of course at the end topic finds its way to wicked mom. it hurts when I discover that I am non-existed in his side of family. on the way walking back home alone, I want to cry. but then I started to glad and understand more about my passive, insensitive and carefree personality. If I don’t have this gifts, I wonder how I survive all the way to this point! maybe I shouldn’t self pity the way I am. I can celebrate it and gladly embrace the coming changes! long way to go to finish genogram. mom side is more complicated.. God bless me

Having fever and body pain for a whole week. Spent lots of time in bed half conscious state. I know there is unhappiness and self-critic recently due to my mother. But I felt love around at school and friends around me. Either my cognitive changed or God actually put more love around me I wouldn't know for now. Yesterday day out with e having a really great time. I can walk about anything with her and I think she feels the same too. How amazing I can be best friend with someone 12 years younger than me! Even the difficulty we faced recently are similar so we can share deeply. Amazing! I told her Satan keep knocking down my broken door. My self-esteem and confidence are so weak that the door almost fall down every time he test. She reminds me I should let Jesus be the master in the my house so He can open the door for me to send Satan away. I heard this story long long time ago. But I enjoy hearing from her again. God reminds me of letting him rule my life, to let go. I need to let go more and more. God please give me the strength, obedience, and humble to let you rule.

Strength

What is strength? To be able to get what you want? men, jobs, money, friends, high standard of living...etc. To be pretty and independence? To own property and make profit? Being charm in front of your friends? To be able to boss around? To win in every fight every debate? Pretend to know what you want for life and dare to get it? Dare to bungy jump? Dare to confront the authority? To hide in the cave when hurt and actually need a hand? Then appear woundless and pretend nothing can hurt me? To avoid deep talk? Not need a man of my own? To live alone and well being? To buy a couple of expensive stuff? Huh! Recently I feel so weak inside. vis-a-vis I get to know myself. I am NOT strong! I might be able to achieve all of the above. But I am so fragile, with so limited survival skill in relationship. I'm such a chicken in front of true human. I am so good in inhumanity and so childish in humanity living. I was such an abuse kid and I'm such a adult child. I'm strong to most people but I'm telling u I'm pathetic! Without God, I have no hope at all! How can I face all these at once by myself??? God grace on me. Don't ever take your eyes off me for one second... then... one day after the other... I'll be more complete.

Now I learn about humanity

For now I know how inhuman I've been living.
I was desperate for love.
But when I held it in my hand, I ruined it.
When I wanted, I pushed away. Whom I cared, I hurt.
I laughed when I was weeping inside.
I was unsatisfied but couldn't name it.
I felt silly to reveal my true feeling so I addicted in craving for stuffs that's harmful to my humanity.
I took risk on meaningless and I was proud.
But then I was afraid to risk for meaningful intimacy in relationships.
I told myself relationship diminish your strength.
Yes I believed I was so strong that nothing could stop me!

God awaked me!
Now I'm reborn and full of true strength.
My heart overflows with joy and love.
I shout out and say hello to love! Hello to hope!
And hello to the me who had been buried for all these years.
My naked soul feels great to stretch out.
God promises to protect me from any harm so why bother.
I figure I was born this way ... a bit naive, very frank, sometimes wicked but will regret.
I believe in possibility in change.
My eyes are wide open for the virtue in human.
Every thing and person I encounter with is so beautiful.
All I wanna do is to shout out loud to my holy father that I know he's loving me
and so do I.

Life is tasteless recently. I need some crush. Roomy came back and fed me tons of traveller stories. I was there before only that I m not lucky enough to share that much with anybody. I guess sharing does make a different in our life. I m happy to see her found someone there. Maybe somehow I wish that was me. To find the one I love and love me, not easy! Why is my world shrinking? People around me keep pressing me down. The rule, the "no"s, the moral, the religious comment... and the aging me... But I am not compromising! To be with someone shallow and narrow minded stifled me. I need space, freedom, and acceptance to be who I want to be. Maybe I should run away. Maybe I should not let reality or anyone suppress my possibility! Maybe I just don't give a damn!

Annoying friends are those who post your photos on facebook without your notice. Who give objection to EVERYTHING without a rational reasoning. Who do not know where is the line. Who always use "nice guy approach" and think they can win friendship. Who can never face themselves. Who keep telling you their plan that never happen at the end. Who refuse to grow but complain about not having the grown-up benefit, Who is religious but don't actually know what they are believing. Who truly believe and promote cliche and misled ideas as if they're something original or new. Who have bad taste in dressing but refuse comment and improvement. Who always comparing and competing with you secretly but calling you a close friend. Who slip in wrong english vocab in a cantonese conversation. Who is judgmental to everything. Who have a narrow mind and sight. Who pull your mood down. Who don't read books or news, don't know fashion, too naive yet too comfortable of themselves. Who truly find their stupid post lovely and do it every time you take a photo for them. Well, feeling much better now...

Today I accompany J to meet online dog trader. They are couples already seem not very nice in the beginning. The led us through a the escalator to a dark street. They show us the puppy from their bag. J hold it and we begin a chat. I ask them few questions about the dog. They begin to force J to buy. I try to stop her. When J says she need to think. They begin to shout at us especially me. They insist I am a trader too and not serious buyer wasting their time. They use lots of rude words and I was very offend and angry. There is a very long time I haven't get into a quarrel with strangers. And I was so unprepared! When the man steps forward to me I was threat but not afraid at all. When he threats to follow us to my "pet shop", I threat back to call police. I don't know why I get so angry but I kind of relief after having the chance to shout at someone with a rational reason. J was shocked after we left on the train. She kept apologize to me for getting me into such trouble. I surprise why I was not afraid but I am now. What if I met them on the street alone? Why is there a little bit of proud to be a bitch?

So Stress lately! Dad's company is closing. Coming 3 months are critical. Don't want to get into anymore debt. Let him close it gracefully. Their lives will be different so as mine. I couldn't imagine how it would be but I must believe it will be fine. I know who holds tomorrow. I wish we can be health and wealthy now and then. I hate worrying about tomorrow. I hate those muscle pain. My headache is killing me. God release me from silly future.

So relief! 3 days 2 nights for 8 chapters and 2 quizes of psychology. Very interesting, tired and self satisfacting!

First date with this 40 years old christian. Should be the 1st christian I date all these years. He is average looking (not prince charming though) not tall but really calm and noble. We chat w coffee then dine at udon restaurant. I talked too much and quite stupid. I told him I tend to be talkative when stress?!?! No response from him! Anyway, he added me at FB asked me out to movie next week. For I want to keep it low, will bring friends together hoping him with no offense.

Close friend F is facing lost of mother. She's too calm and positive making me worry a bit. But I know God s taking care of her. Glad I involved in the macau trip with she and her mom last year. Never know the trip becomes one treasurable memory to her now. Do whatever to reduce regret someday! It's what I learnt. Can't stand regret anymore too much stress from it! For this belief, I can say I love you to mom and dad. And I AM a transmitter of God's love to them! Holyspirit, bless our family! bless F!

To be asserted - so important to many people. 40 years of business life, now I need to assist my dad to end it. It is not easy for him but he is brave! I am glad for the supports from F and J(cell group). I m glad I m not alone because family gather and support in such moment. I m glad dad and I communicate so well in this incident. I m glad I grow up in loving and taking care of others. I even let mom to prepare for future financially. She assure me of my contribution in the business and the family. I ve value in this family. They need me! I actually make her glad to have me. just that little thought from her is what I longing for all these years! Anyway I m glad!

The Blind Side

Love changes people. Change the world! There are critical moments, that you can lift a spirit up or just leave it there out of your life. There are moments you can act out Jesus' love. Follow holyspirit in your heart. Share what you have with the needy. True happiness are there for you. Love need energy and the energy comes from Jesus!

Mother need to do the examination but she is escaping. She cried the other day and I hugged her. Her life is truly miserable not because of her experience, but the way she dealt with it. She had never let go of anything, anyone. I can almost felt her heavy heart. Only Jesus can save her. V and M is praying. I know I am the one to execute. God I really need courage, wisdom and faith to talk her through. Also, I need to be healed for all the hurt she did to me. I need to be brave and strong in Him.

A sunday morning, I was sitting in a cafe having bf, waiting to serve at church service. 2 tables away from mine, there are a family sitting. The mother is braiding daughter's hair that caught my attention. They looked alike and both no expression on the face. Suddenly, the comb went to her eye and she began to rub it. Mother annoyed and stopped. While waiting, she started combing her own hair. Little girl keep rubbing until she finished. Then she picked up her little sister's book playfully. Mother combed her hair again. To most people, this is nothing special. But I am attracted to the nature harmony. Never once, I felt so comfortable to be with my mother. With her touching or being served by her, I was always anxious or even panic. Perhaps I long for harmony with my mother. Not only her but all my friends and family. Perhaps this is what I am missing for my whole life to be complete!

Bad dream again... So frustrated of bad dream reminding me all the past. I ask God, I haven't even think abt them. How can I stop them attacking me in the night. I really need to wake up refresh. In the dream, I met him again. He kept the same one length curly haircut. He brought me to the cha chan teng. In the dream, he got on my nerve again just like before. I felt familiar, intimacy, regret, but wait... there's no passion or affection. Then we found dad on the next table. I woke up and felt really tired, empty, alone, and helpless. What is this dream abt? I miss him? I want him back? I gotta kiss the past goodbye? I pray for strength and say goodbye to him when I awoke. It's torturing to keep having these dream every morning. Pls release me, free me from my past. I am ready to go!

I am sad. relationship make me sad. it reminds me of bad relationship, bad memory from the past. it reminds of all the loneliness with or without relationship. I should be exciting but I am sad. I am desperate but sad. I can't see your plan so I get even more hopeless. I am afraid. So nauseous and dizzy in waiting. Stress from the encouragement and support from friends. they all want me to end with happy marriage. they're my best friends. but I get cold feet. I need to back off. it's too hard for me. I pray hard but I cant find any strength. I cant stand any stress. the best i can do is to escape and lie. I feel very sick. what should i do? God I need your help!!

Should be at integrated exercise class right now. How many classes I've skipped in my life? Where can I find my motivation to do anything? How can I be persistent on anything? I am really frustrated inside. Because I know I m wasting my life. Already wasted half of my life. Jesus, how can I stop wasting my life like this. When can I learn how to commit and be responsible to at least myself? I have no confident at all to let anyone into my life. I mean how can I if I keep being so unstable, unreliable, and lack of energy and motivation? What positive energy I can bring to someone if I can't even do one thing completely? Jesus, am I sick inside or just being too lazy? Coz I really want to change but I can't do anything with it. Can u or anyone help me out of this!!

roomate

I think God send me this roommate to make me learn. We are both slow people. For a year of observation, we finally get along so well. We watched movies together. Shop together. Cook together. Lots of girls talk together about our family, relationship, past and future. Frankly she brought me back lots of college memory. Only more mature and know how to share. We have very similar way of thinking despite our background, experience, age even nation. If not for God to send her to me, how can I ever meet someone like her. She is leaving 2 mths from now. We become even closer. Thinking back this 2 years are charming and fruitful from merging in Joy and her. I no longer afraid of intimacy now because of meeting them. I really want us to be friends forever. I wish them all the best even not. I promise to grow each day in relationship and intimacy.

Testimony is very important in christian life. Have I ever do that after all that grace He has given to me? Am I afraid? Because there're many stuff that I can't tell. What exactly am I afraid of? I want my life to be bright as the light on the table. I want my life to magnify God. Maybe my faith isn't pure enough. Maybe I doubt when I pray. Maybe I am framed by what the world has taught me. Maybe I limit God's work on me. If that is so, Jesus please release me from all that fake. Please renew me and make me a child with pure heart in front of you. Please accept me, embrace me, use me.

It's true! God's promise his word is true. He said if I give him, he gives me back double. I decided to skip the CNY tour this year for donation to church and Haiti. This afternoon, I bought 15 5kg rice for needy. I got many helping hands all the way. I got sponsor. I got 2 free hotel stays. I got happy time with mom and dad the whole evening. But I lost my tiffiny ring. God pls help to fget it back.

Winnie the pooh jacket! God used it to pull mom and me back. That's God's humor! But I am glad he did. Coz she won't cut out my call now. God hears our pray that both v n I got it. several meaningful chat tonight. abt cell situation. abt life struggles. abt thanks we give to lord. be our provider. teach us to accept ur way - the best way for us we always believe and truth.