I am standing there all alone
with a heavy body
hard to move one step
but I keep moving telling myself goal is ahead
it's a dead end road I suspect lately
my will falls apart
faith flies away
with a heavy body
I am standing there alone and confused

Dinner with cell on Saturday evening. There is negative feeling since mid autumn towards cell. I so wanna drop off. Been hearing too many bad thing about it and about church. The feeling become complicated and couldn't let out. Then I am attacked. Been in this cell for 1 1/2 years. I wanna think it through If I had ever get anything from it. Are they someone I trust. Are they someone I seek for pray and help when I need. In contrast, i did remember a few time being criticised. Am I growing? Are they with me? God I really wanna know if that's a sign of leaving or just influenced by others. God I wanna know if I ever will have someone to walk with. cell becomes frustrating. but I m serving and is that ok? God my road is being rougher, pls lead me out.

What do we work for? I love my job. Comfortable environment. Nice people. The job nature is what I want. Take part in ending poverty. Office close to my home. What more can I ask for. But it is a part time job, no benefit, and no position even though what I am doing is actually something. The pay... I am not happy with. The commitment, job load, time I spent there way too much then my pay. Now the question come again, what do we all work for? If I like the job and don't wanna lose it, should I fight for my wage? If I am starting to calculate with them, am I really loving my job as I said. I bet the bad news about the worldwide enconomy is making some impact to my finacial management. I become insecure to the future in terms of how much I could save now. God doesn't treat me bad. I mean who else can get this stable income, and can choose to do what I want at the same time. I should be thankful but since when I find it not enough and insecure with God everyday provide.

Yeah, after spending thousands of money, and hours of studies, I finally finished the music exam today. I believe I am passing it hopefully with dinstinction. I thank the 2 angels sending me sms for that showing supports. So sweet. Like going back to high school or what. I never had girl friends like that. Now I could work on my piano again. Heading 6 grade. Love the feeling of achieving something after some hard work, someone to assist me. someone to encourage me. someone to celebrate with. Love that all God gave me. I would love to give back to him.

Isn't it love?

A 39 woman and A 40 man - Isn't it so hard to get together? The woman wanna go straight down to the aisle. The man is lazy and too back laying. He likes her for her easygoing, bright and delightful. Now she is stressed, insecure and overwhelming. She - from the beginning, cannot appreciate him much. Eventually, she is grateful for all he has done to her. But zazazu, she's not sure. So her hand is always behind him, pushing him to the direction she wants. She begins to lose herself and become a control freak. He begins to get frustrated and step back. Too fast, too different, or too self-center? "Where is God?" they asked, the right question is, "Is there a place for God in this relationship?"

There is someone, I really wanna forget about. But appear in my dream from time to time. In my dream, everything is so real. Everything is still so familiar. Every time I woke up from one of these dream, I hate myself. For haven put in so many effort but fail in forgetting. For haven started so many new chapters but still couldn't totally cover the page. Also, I couldn't understand why only this page so remarkable. I was surprise and couldn't figure it out still. God I am really ready for a new page.

Job is eating me recently. Very hard to balance from it. Yea I m lazy. Stress = cant sleep = addicted in something = not healthy and looking sucks and get me moody. Balance! the day I get over it, I guess it's time to meet Jesus in heaven. Life is sucks when we bet most chips on material.

got a 11Oct deadline and a cost for tutoring, spend three hours on music theory this evening at coffee shop. I thought I was having a fever at that time. but really need to finish the study. frankly, a little addiction after the 1st hour. strange huh! actually treat myself with wall e bf starting. a little plant in a shoe bring back people who already give earth up. quite funny though not a new idea of seeing the clumsy and obese human who thought are having a comfy n convenience in the space. disney is so dare in this movie of accusing A. consuming trend B. life style more and more rely on artificial intelligent and the most obvious C. killing the earth we are. relating consuming to wasting to killing the earth. relating computerized to lack of intimacy to losing of human dignity. robots are supposed to be cold and incapable to love. but human ironically rely on them to bring them back to life. the captain said, "I don't wanna survive, I wanna live!" To Live! are we living at all after all, better give it a think.

computer is very strange recently. it took me 5 times to log in to my blogger. one mac is totally down. this borrowed one just hang. mac don't hang usually. super strange. anyway, close friend is confirmed getting married this year. lots of feeling deep down. happy for her definitely. worrying for myself also. will I end up with someone or just die alone? after thinking it over really hard for a few weeks, I confess I scared. pray for it, no significant answer still. I started playing the piano score for some hymns I just get from hymns lesson at church today. peace gradually came and scares gone. heart fill with his love. and suddenly, I found "y not wait in praise if I'll wait anyway" God is faithfulness and he will not miss my pray. yes I will praise until he give it to me. my heart will be full of peace, not insecure when he meet me, right! yeah that's what I should do.

Positive words for everyone

I am from the beginning
A creator
Born to make dreams reality
Living the ultimate life possible for me
I am free to chose what I make matter
I focus on what I want
I desire experiences
Memorable experience
Quality experience
New choice for my day
I feel the flow courageous hearts and expansive minds
I expect exhilarating conversations
With extraordinary people
I m transforming my life
Rediscovering myself
Following my Bliss
Creating my life of dreams
Companionship, Convenience, Comfort, Clarity, Creativity, Connection, Communication
First I find joy
The best I can give you
with music that stir my soul
I taste the deliciousness of the moment
Smell the freshness of a new day
Let my spirit be touched
Appreciate an eye-popping experience
Life is fun
A feast for the senses
My passion shines through
I am vision in action
I m getting where i want to be quickly
My intentions are powerful
My well being is natural
I am wonderful
Taste the life you imagine
Create the life of my dreams
I am grateful - thank you! I love you!

3 mths of work pass in no time. suddenly I feel like taken a summer break. working with the young people principle's son v and fresh grad PR H was fun and inspiring. Both ambitious in a diff way. remind me of my u life and fresh grad. It was long time ago but the smell still there. I got along w them in no effort. they heat up the office. gear up my work life. we had so much fun in lunch time making dump jokes. maybe... my true age is early 20s. unfortunately, my look already... aiya. now they gone, I miss them. but gotta pick up my pace at work.

mom is sick. I gotta scold maid too often recently. I am too wicked. I spent an evening taking her to see doctor. Frankly, I hate but I know I won't regret doing it. Ai, contradiction! Paul have said that in bible already. Life is never easy but with God, it's different! yesterday v and I went watching Olympic horse game at shatin. I love the 1st time of everything. I was soooo exciting. God prepared tickets and companion for me. I enjoy the show. especially when the americans went crazy when their players won the metal. Once in a life time and I really enjoyed.

Fly like an eagle! You are the wind beneath my wings. Let me breakthrough myself. Flying high and flying free. I was once a prisoner. Eager to break the wall. You today bring me to the air. I see a whole new world. But I am not scared. Because you, the wind to protect me. I will never fall!

Work becoming heavy recently. Get off at 8pm tonite. Long chat with L last nite. So tired today. Pulling the tired and sad body home, call dad on the way. He got more succi than me. About business. I feel sad for he still struggle for work at his age. But he's not listening. What can i do? There's too many thing I can't do. Reach home, grab some junk into mouth and watch Chi vs Cub. I was crying for no reason in front of the match with the junk in my hand. The sad feeling is not leaving me alone. Roommate asked me if I wanna go hiking this sunday... don't wanna do nothing.

I am sad. The whole town gets heat up with olympic fire. But I am sad. Because I don't like sport. Because I don't feel attached to China. Because everyone is faking cheer leader. Because I don't like people burning stuff on the street. Because the fire kill the firemen. Because my friends lost their baby all in sudden. Because I can't sleep at night. Because it always raining and when it's sunny, I had no one to celebrate with. Because I was too happy in Okinawa and now extremely down. Because daddy is no longer free for high tea. Because the summer holiday of mine is over. Because the house is dirty. Because my best friend is in love. Because of too many spare time?! I am sad. Close to sorrow. Not yet to grief.

This is to give thanks for a enjoyable and energetic sun and beach trip. I was happy to reunion with old friend. Giving me good playmates. Thanks! Never expect to learn it from D. Still immature, get pleasure with taking advantage from others and finding it a smart thing to do. The truth is... people are just choosing not to do it doesn't mean they are stupid, God borrow their mouth to teach me. Root in my heart this time. I got nice suntan and learnt to wakeboard. I love everything God made! I enjoy living!

Today wandering around flower market. Got a call from previous piano school. Got my grade 5 result! Merit! yeah.... Frankly, I don't even know how much to pass. For that performance, to be just pass is too good for me. Merit!!!! Thanks God. For not only merit. but also someone to share with. someone to celebrate with. someone to walk through with. thank you thank you thank you!

Mood: Romantic, any men can be charming playing piano
Physical status: Exhauted, after 15mins solor spa that equals to 3hrs of exercise
Spiritual status: Grateful, for God loving me so even I am dust
Project: another day tmr for the name change compaign...
Wish: no more crazy anger with the allien at my house

Grade 5 Piano Exam

My hand is shaking. Shivering inside. Hate this feeling. In 30mins, I will be in a paino exam that I've been preparing for 11 months. I am extremely nervous now. I thank God for having F to comfort me and encourage me with her instant experience. But Still I got so nervous, an unfamiliar emotion lately. God I wish I can handle well and just do good and stable in the exam. Give me peace in mind and dont take success too serious. Aiya... gonna get going.

I understand a little

Read a message saying God dont lead his people to a wealthy land. God dont lead them out of suffering. God is to free them from worshipping him, to be able to build an intimate relationship with him. Some suffer may bring us closer to him. In contrast, wealthy land may keep us away from him. I suddenly understand a little. If I am committed to a family now, I wouldn't have had this free heart on him. I will never find him that close, that supportive, that only to my everyday every moment. God teach me to enjoy be with you even with friends, career, family. So I am well prepared to have my own famly too. But I will wait and enjoy the time with you solely for now.

Meeting with M

It was F1 I met her. She became my best friend immediately. Classmates envied our friendship. We together learnt and joined activities. That was the happiest time so far in my life. Because my childhood was in frighten, lies, abuse and abandon. Maybe I didn't have that capacity to load those adversities at that time, it still seemed to me a nightmare but not real. Anyway, her friendship and acceptance gave me lots of support and courage to start my high school. Then, I can't remember if it's F3, she got another best friend. I was acting weird, jealous and miserable. I experience my first heartbreak. I cried everyday and I had no one to tell. F5 I went study in Canada giving her and I a "full stop". Although I experienced later on more heartbreaking ends of relationship, deep in my heart, there were place reserved for her long time ago. That's why today, after 17 years we met with her new born son, bugs bite inside. Figure out my feeling now, I love her as an old buddy still. And I pray for her and family all the best. And I finally find the reason for my conservative and not trusting other. That was really hurt! I better ask God to completely heal me.

We Hongkongnese has no charistma. Probably because we've been suffering from continuous cultural attacked for too long. We are very lost. For we are so lost and helpless, we bet our life on money, what we are told that can help us in attaining better life, one day. For money, we forget how much we've given up. Our root, our historical monuments, our old friends and neighbours and our dreams. I love everything about the old Hong Kong. Maybe because I am getting old. And maybe because of my awaken soul. - after watching McDull movie

Tonight should be the last nite for uncle's wife. I brought soup and dinner box to the hopsital. When I hear cousin wanted her younger brother to be tough and not to do silly thing, I really admired her. The parents in our family are all dictators. Relationship is never good with different reasons. A lot of hidden problems waiting to explose. Like my cousin moved out because of uncle's unreasonable and controlling attitude to them. I totally understand because my mom was the same. I am too late to take part in it. To show care. Everyone has ten years. Their 10 years having a mother with cancer and a dad with terrible temper. Mine wandering around, winning about not good enough situation. Have I ever lived in this 10 years? I just never think of others not even my closed family. I was so self-centered, selfish and cruel. I never realize their perception of me is true..... I want to do more from now on. God please bless our family. Bless everyone. Teach us love on another more and more. Make me a peace maker. Give me the gut to shout out your love!

When I see cousin K so lost and cried, it breaks my heart. Doctor said her mother situation is not optimistic. The strongest medication is being applied but the situation only getting worst. The eyes of uncle are empty when he explained to us. Life is fragile. We are tiny and helpless. We put our hands on her and pray in front of cousin w. Sis said she says "thank you" for we don't know what. With little faith, I hope God has mercy on her bring her to heaven. I call mom last nite and feel comfort inside a bit. I guess I am grateful that my mom and dad still healthy and independent and can do what they like to, go where they want to. I thank God for keeping them healthy. I pray for their eternal life.

Breast Cancer II

My heart is full of joy and thanks. For He not only listen to my prays, but not listen to my blames, sent me friends, church friends, little sis v, to support, care and pray for me, and provide a good doctor. After all, the big "fibroid" was only some FAT! And the tiny one is not a matter. We'll just do regular check of the size. So... when I am so worry about painful procedure, God said no procedure is required!
I learnt many from this experience.
1. Share not only joy but worries to others. Let them support and be a part in it.
2. Pray seule, in group, pray for others
3. Faith! I tried so hard to find doctor and information and source from friends. What I got is increasing anxiety. No faith, I sink. With faith, I could go through as easy as flying in the cloud.
4. Anytime care for the others, not self! When I become more self-focus, I started to postpone caring for others and think it's normal and reasonable. But Holy spirit made me feel the urge of my friend L. I must invite L and Y for a pray meeting asap. Never thought of that pray meeting is actually for myself. And for friendship. And for building their faith too. Haleluja!
5. With less faith, we pray for little. God shows me he can do much more than that! Silly me! I was afraid to ask for more.

Thirst

I thirst for you Jesus, I thirst for you Thirst for your presence Thirst for your calling for your forgiveness and for your mercies Lord, I thirst for you

Breast Cancer?!

Left breast feeling a bit of pain lately. So go for check this week. Bomb, there is something inside. A fibroid? Cancer? Dunno yet! Enough to drag me down. I pray while dr is checking. Miriclely, I got peace inside. "Kid, nothing to worry, you are mine!" He said. Report will take a couple days. Then will consult dr for next action with the report. Life is a rollercoaster! I guess the down feeling doesn't come from the breast problem but no one to share and care. Well, the only one I had told by now is dad, who gave no comment as if it was just a bite by mosquito. The incapable of sharing my situation hurt me a bit. Today, I shared with one of my best friend J. She will pray for me and I felt better. But the most comfort I got from unexpectly - my little sis in the states. While we were sharing Christian's life and struggles and faith and thankful experience, just like that, I found myself feeling better and better. We shout haleluja almost at the same time. How can I not see God so love me and my whole family. And that he announces in our conversation that, He will not abandon me, ever!

Angry Selling

I am very angry. Today, supposed to be completion of selling my flat. Everything is ready, except the buyer not happy with the lighting. First I was really annoying for being asked to fix the light for them. Was trying to avoid responsiblity and trouble during this big holiday that everything closed. When I knew money might be taken from my deposit, I understand I had to fix it anyway. I really don't want to pay a even a penny on the house which is going to be others. So this morning, my very first time, I check the procesure on the internet and I fixed it myself and I actually did it! HA! To tell the truth, I start to understand the buyers' mind when I went up there and found several light not be able to get on. No one will settle that easy for that for a 2 million HK dollars good. Okay! So how come I still get angry the whole evening. The solitcitor is on their side keeping up my deposit until they checked the lighting is all fine. It's not about how much it is. It's about fairness. The lighting is all good now, just they don't have time to check. Why should my deposit be hold?! The solicitor said it's legal for them to return the deposit within 21 days. And one thing she said really upset me. She said even they charged me for a thousand dollars to fix the lighting is fair enough. Come on! Nothing is wrong with the lighting. How would lighting cost 1000 dollars anyway? I hate the feeling of waiting for mercy. They should return deposit as the house has no problem. It's fine now. Why would I have to wait and worry that they charge me for stupid reason? It's just not fair! and supposed to represent ME, the solicitor stands by their side???! I am so regret to leave them a HK10000 closet. If for the preious me, I would throw away, break it, etc anything but to leave it to them. What will Jesus do in the circumstances? How can the angry go away?

2008

I envy people. Those who embrace life, live with dream, not giving up, brave for challenge. I envy them. Myself, I've been wasting my life. How come I never have the feeling of living is so good. How come there is nothing in the world that make me feel I want to live for it. Is life itself really that charming? If so, how come I never feel it that way. I just don't enjoy my life very much. I have almost everything materialwise. And now I have also friends and family who love me dearly. How come that just don't make me embrace life. I am the most lost person in the whole world. For so long, I still don't know what I need. I have no dream, no motivation, no talent, no desire... I hate to waste my life but I can do nothing. I try to do it better but I am too weak. How could everyone hang on and I slip off every time. I really don't get it and totally lost, frustrated and helpless. This is a new year again. I really want to change my life up side down. This year, I want to make more valuable friends, love more people, learn more and act more like bible, hang on in a regular job and one volunteer work. I want to bring happy to other more, be more patient and tender as Jesus.