Sexual Struggles

Have been addicted to cyber sex the last week. So boring, lonely and feel like nothing can excite me more than sex. However, too dare to have real sex with just anyone. Cyber in this case is the best solution. After the first time I get into the chatroom, I fell in it. I go back whenever I have time and I would give up sleep for that. You never know what happen that night. Whether a good partner will show up or a lousy one. It is one fun part of the game. There is one very good one make my night. We chat all night long and tease each other and became so high. We both want it so much... we almost come out and do real. That was really great time although everything about ourselves might be fake. But then I realize that I don't want reality anymore. I isolate myself from friends. Just want to chat with someone know for a second rather than someone care for me for years. Many stuff get pending because I rather spend time on chatroom. And... now I really want sex more than anything. One thing very dangerous is that, I go further and further. Maybe I have no discipline at all. I go from chat online, to msn private chat, to msn voice chat, to phone chat. When one really aggressive chatmate ask me out, my heart actually wants to. O my, what if I really did that. Can't imagine how low and guilty I will feel. I am not the person who can accept myself like that. I've been going through all that before and it's not easy to turn around. God, please show me the light, lead me the way, help me to resist the temptation so I can live healthily again.

Down Down Down

Achievement level: O Frustration level: High Think I am going through a depression. Or maybe the grieving stages. They said it takes at least 6 months for overcoming pet loss. I have no idea how long for me. Plus I am trapped in the house. My world freezes for these months. Even worse for me. Unable to go to work, am being quite isolated and distanced from colleagues whether on purpose or not. Of coures for few incidents that colleagues really disppointed me. Making me feel like not going back anymore. So boring and depress and really need someone to hang out with. A also depressed friend also hang out with me these days is actually helping me out in shutting out people. Meanwhile, addicted to cigarette again and adult chatroom. Know it's not healthy both physically and mentally. Yet life is a mess recently and no positive input.

"Colorgenics" Test Result of 9thJuly,2006

Life for some time now has been somewhat depressing and you feel 'under the weather'. You are looking for a means by which you can escape from all the pressures of everyday life. But you must remember that the 'Past does not equal 'Tomorrow'. You are seeking a way to escape from all the trials and tribulations that oppress you at this time, but at least you haven't given up - if one pattern of behaviour doesn't seem to work then you'll change it for another. You need an atmosphere of peace and quiet and you would like to share a bond of understanding with the 'right person' - you have the belief that with the right person, your stress and anxiety could be minimised. You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you. From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!

Zidane, how could you...........

One Sweet Day - Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men

Sorry I never told you All I wanted to say And now it's too late to hold you 'Cause you've flown away So far away Never had I imagined Living without your smile Feeling and knowing you hear me It keeps me alive Alive And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven Like so many friends we've lost along the way And I know eventually we'll be together One sweet day Darling, I never showed you Assumed you'd always be there I took your presence for granted But I always cared And I miss the love we shared And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven Like so many friends we've lost along the way And I know eventually we'll be together One sweet day Although the sun will never shine the same I'll always look to a brighter day Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep You will always listen as I pray And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven Like so many friends we've lost along the way And I know eventually we'll be together One sweet day And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven Like so many friends we've lost along the way And I know eventually we'll be together One sweet day Sorry I never told you All I wanted to say

Pet or Partner?

Talked to my little sis in the States. So worry about her life there. But I'm glad to be able to support her with love and pray. I wish her healthy and happy ,and let God leads her way. When we talked about our dogs, we both think they are our partner not pet. I once again went through the incident in my mind. Aching, still! Don't know when it ends. Many asked if I will get a new one. The world without him is like a silent movie, a colorless dream, distill water. But I don't wanna bring a new one in my life yet. I don't know why. I played with my friend's cat the other day. Super cute! Have been seriously considering a cat of my own. Well maybe one day I will. But now, I just miss him too much.

Father, who God prepared for me

Daddy changes a lot these years. He pays a lot of attentions in his health. He reads, jogs, and talks more than ever. He reads a lot of self help books (well, although he enjoys more in buying and reads only half of each). He lives positively and really makes me proud of him. On my birthday, we had lunch together. We were talking about his retirement. It's the first time he told me he really worries about my financial status and health condition. He wants to see me happy, healthy and wealthy. Thanks God for giving me a father. Giving me a reason to live well, to take good care of myself and to live positively so he shouldn't need to worry about me. I may not be able to be a brilliant daughter. But I can be a happy and healthy one. At least I try my best to.

Papa, Je t'aime

Il etait 30ans. He is not my biological father. But I am glad to have him rather than anyone in the world. My mom said different from elder sister who is 11months elder than me, I call him DAD right the way the time we went to this new home. Since then, it started our father-daughter rapport tres special. I was 2! To me, he is a savior and Mr. know-it-all. And he never say NO to me. He saved me from hitting by mom. Solve all my problems with his money (he believes money can solve EVERYTHING). Although he is super busy, he care for spending time on me. Like doing homework for me, bringing me to school everyday, hearing my stupid thought and hanging out with me. He was the most capable man in the world to me. However, everybody gets old. Lately, I realize he concerns about his health so much. He gets tired easily. He talks more than ever. He indulges himself in shopping. He tells me that he loves me. I can sense him from aging and desire to live longer healthily. On my birthday this year, he was having lunch with me. We were discussing his retirement plan. He told me he is worrying about me. For my economic status, for my health, and for my future happiness. I was heart-broken. Because I am way too mature to let him worry about me that much. I have never think of living a better life for someone who loves and cares about me that much. I thought my life is mine and I am going to live it my way. In this Father's day, I especially treasure. I promise myself and to him, that I will live up so he doesn't need to worry about me anymore. And no matter what happened between us or whether or not he is my real dad, there is no one more special than him to me in my life!

This Birthday

It is a special birthday. For I can't walk around this year, I can go nowhere but stay home. I invited some really closed friends to my new home for gathering and house warming. We cooked, chated and went to the club house. All of us had great time. I was requested to say praise before dinner. In the pray, I gave thanks for what I see in the changing in their lives. I prayed for them for what I notice they need for now. Also, I thanked God for bringing them to me and loving me so much for all these years. I realized how grateful it is to have them all beside me on my big day. I know them for long time, but it is just a couple years that they became also my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have been praying for more Christian friends last year. Suprisingly, He turned my old friends into them. God is really amazaing and with sense of humor!

Le Concert de Jamie

Hurray! Jamie came to HK and I went to his concert. It was an enchanted evening! I knew Jamie from HMV. One day I was shopping at the Jazz section in HMV, the DJ was playing Jamie's "Twenty something". It was love at first sight. I searched for his album and bought it right the way. A young english guy playing excellent pop jazz, it's something. I like his voice, it's mature but rebel. I love his creative and passion in music. He totally shows his creativity in the concert. It's like nothing can frame him from presenting himself to the audience using every single piece of instrument on the stage. His rythum is excellent. It doesn't show any stress in his performance. It's like he doesn't prepare at all but he just doing it so well. He cried when he played a song about losing someone. My heart was broken for I could feel him. I guess he had found the right communication tool in moving himself and others. So envy that someone has such talent and he knows it and he has achievement from it.

Nice and Simple Birthday Party

Most of my birthdays filled with crowds, dinner parties, karaoke partie, etc. This year, can't go anywhere but refuse to be alone. There comes a party at my new home.

A couple of close friends came to my place. We chat, cook, and house warn. It was a nice and cozy party. They asked me to say grace. Ending up I pray for each of them. It's very touching. I know them for years and they have impact on me these years. Especially this year, we all go through special moments and support each other.

I thanks for friends who can share good and bad from life, tell each other our needs and pray for each other.

This is a simple but sweet birthday. They remind me that they never celebrated my birthday ever on the exact day. That really suprised me cos they are my best friends. I realize I never cherish my friends in the past. I tell myself, now as you know who are true friends and must learn to cherish from now on.

Scum of 2006

The divorced man ended up a scum. In the beginning, every thing is so smooth and sweet. Until I've been taking care of his dog and he's like completely self-centered. He would decide to come visit them whenever he was free. He would blame me for not letting him. He said he would do the clean up but then I just became the maid for him and his dogs. Also, everytime he came, I felt like he really just wanted to see his dogs but me. He showed totally no interest in me. No deep conversation, no photo album veiwing, nothing but requesting me to cook for him.

What a self centered jerk! It was so not a good sign. I just don't know why I keep crushing on him. Well, maybe I was still giving him tons of excuses for maybe he is shy, has unhappy past with girls bla bla bla. I still wanna give it a try!

The day my dog was leaving, he was with me all day. Well, he was so not handling it well. Not even pass. 1st it took him way too long to drive me to the clinic coz he got the wrong way. Then he kissed me on that night!! Come on I was so lost and so fragile. He took advantage and he is no longer a good guy for sure. Yeah he called and sent message to show caring. He volunteered to be a companion. Trying to kiss me again and further!

Anyway, the time he thought I am already trapped, I refuse to. I clarified our relationship with him and he couldn't do it. I quitted him right there and never answner his calls and messages anymore. He kept pursuing for 2 weeks then he threw at me some kind of blaming message and said won't bother me again. For that it hurts.

I thought that's over. But guess what, 2 weeks later, he asked for being friends by sms. Ha, making it totally like forgetting what he had said. One day, blaming me again for my cruelness. I gave him a chance to talk to me. Very disappointed! No progress at all. Absolutely no sincerity. Stupid me thought no harm for me to keep him. He tried to talk sweet but of course not what I buy. I refused to see him again, just plain chat online for another month.

Today it's my birthday. It's like 2 weeks that he didn't initiate a chat. As a woman, I smell his not interesting. I went on friendly chat with him and he's like putting off all the time. Hours ago, he asked me if I have been dating someone lately. I told him yes and he went mad. 1st he told me he has sour feeling. Then suddenly he revealled that there is a reason for not being agressive on me (of course not telling it). Then he thanks me for being nice to him and dogs and said will never forget me. Then blame himself for not 100% opening himself to me coz he's hiding something (again can't tell me what). Finally, he tried to say it and again of course not telling at last. Blame his bad temper and blame me for not picking him... bla bla bla. Finally, he's like 180 degree turned and told me he will date someone nice and pretty tomorrow. Seeing her photo that he forwarded to me, I can't stand anymore. Wished him good luck and say bye. I guess that's it!

This guy is totally nonsense, unfaithful to even himself. I don't know what happen to him but I for sure don't wanna get involved into it. Maybe he is crazy, bad temper as he said about himself, just don't want commitment but fooling around, or everything about him is a lie. I am sure it will not be a happy relationship to me. Eventhough I am curious and intend to help him out, I believe I don't want to sacrisfy myself to save him. Also, I have no such ability and enough patient and love.

"I really like you. I want to sleep with you. If it's 2years ago, I would have done it. With more wisdom about men, I won't put myself into such situation anymore today. So I guess that's it. It not worth for me to go on like this with you and I am not worth for you too coz you will not be able to get what you want from me. Let's go on our own way. Just don't hurt other good girls coz we are actually very fragile. "

An Endless Road

I am in the middle of the road. A road with no end. I have no idea where it goes. There is nothing on the side and I am all alone. It is hot and dry but I feel so free and alone. I feel like I can be anything anyone. But I don't know what I should be. From time to time, I feel like drowning and I almost lose my breath. I never shout for help because I know it is useless. Maybe I am afraid that no one will give a shit to even look at me. Or I had too many experience of dead end communication. Eventhough I tried so hard to express what I am feeling inside, there seems to be no one totally understand. No one ever has enough patient to wait until he really understand. People like to catagorize the others. We don't want to believe that everyone is unique. For our own convenience, we just hear a few sentenses and put the conclusion right there. It is so cruel especially to people who are really desperate like me. Maybe I am like the gay couples in Six Feet Under. I am almost believing that I am not good enough or lucky enough to have someone to stay with me. I mean like staying with me taking in all my good and bad and really be with me eventhough sometimes it's not enjoyable. To stay with me just because he thinks I worth! Do we have to be that perfect to be worthy? God tells us no matter what we did or who we are, he loves us so dearly. That should build our self esteem. Rationally, yes! But when people around you are so insensitive, demanding, judgemental and realistic, is it possible to not let them drag you down?

Is it "Six Feet Under" or Me?

Staying at home, I become a couch potato and watching SIX FEET UNDER. I am so attached to it now. It's like speaking for me for what I couldn't express for all thses years. It's so familiar yet there're so many new angles from life. Inspiring! I only want to live with a meaning! But I scare of dying so badly. And I have no confident and concrete idea of the meaning. The feeling is so weired. It's like rootless, lack of motivation, no persistancy, yet super sensitive. I can feel tons of anger inside me. It's like a bomb ready to explose in any second. I have been fucked up once. It was totally out of control and I am so regret. But then what can I do to myself. Life has to be go on. The age of giving up my life is over. Now, I should be mature enough to face all that shit. It's my own problem that I have to handle it well. I am stucked. Just like every single characters in SIX FEET UNDER. So no way out yet so scare of death.

I'm afraid of relationship. Can never get into real intimacy, to family, friends and lovers, and even to God. Have been hiding myself for too long. And now, I am incapable to pull the true self together and show my true color. Especially I can't do it in front of people I love and care. I am so fucked up. Six months of therapy, lifted me up a bit but ... am afraid it's all gone now. I need another injection so I can live at least with some energy.

How will it be this birthday

I have no idea how long my leg will be totally fine. It begins to drive me crazy. My birthday is coming and I have to tied up at home going nowhere. I can't even get myself to work that I have to work at home. Boy, it's so boring and not healthy in terms of social life. I need to be surounded with friends and strangers especially in summer. Otherwise, my spirit get easily dried up. Have been seeing doctor for 2 months. Got my 1st physiotherapy done yesterday. It was so not a good experience. He rubbed my knee and it hurt so much. He bended my leg until I couldn't stand the pain. Yesterday night, my knee was swelling and burning. Now I am ordered to bend my knee everyday as much as I can. Feeling really bad about it. I want to see the movie "Da Vinci Code". But I can't go anywhere. Wanna buy nice lighting and a bookshelf but again, I am a prison now! Beginning to feel like isolating myself again. I am worrying about my mental health...

Home Sweet Home

Finally, I live in my own home. I bought it last year. It was a total short-term investment. Not what I plan for, now I got myself into mortgage and moved into it. Since the original idea is for investment, it is so not my dream home. The location, the size, the view are all not what I can settle for. However, it's not for us to choose most of the time in our life. Now what I do is to enjoy docorating my new home, and to try my very best to agree with it. I have been renting apartment for 6 years. Well, say HK$7000 a month for the rent, I have thrown away HK$504,000. In Hong Kong, purchasing properties is what people do when they have enough down payment. However, a loner as me, I never wanted to get myself tied with bank for the rest of my life. But now that I became one of them, maybe it's a chance to safe money for future. Maybe, I gotta grow up now and be compromised. Maybe, it's time to learn commiment - to human beings and ... to the bank!

I'll Be Missing You

Once I went to a pub. The band was playing this song. The house is hot. Everyone is so high and is dancing like crazy. But when I really listen to the song...there is a sad story behind. What an ironic scene! It is an old song "Every Breath you take" by "The Police" in 1983. In 1997, a hip hop legend The Notorious B.I.G. was murdered. In memory of him, the song is rewrote and presented by Puff Daddy featuring his widow Faith Evans same year. It was a number-one hit single record. Different from many love songs, this one is a friend writing to a dead buddy. The love exceeds life and death. The love does not limited to men and women love, but friendship love, colleague love, and the respect to one's achievement. I really love the lyrics. Totally written out the pain of losing a beloved one. That wish to be able to go back in time. That the pleasant memories of hanging out together all ran out. That feel so hard to believe that it really had happened. That the missing will never be ended.

Yet, using the hip hop beat and light hearted melody, it doesn't convey a heavy feeling at all. Between the lyrics, can see the writer's hope out of the death. He believe his friend went to heaven. And that someday they will meet again. And also he believes in his friend for his work will always make a positive influence to people although he is physically absent. Share with you! Click for the music video http://www.singingfool.com/player.asp?publishedid=00236014 I'll Be Missing You - by Puff Daddy

[Intro: Puff Daddy] Yeah... this right here (tell me why) Goes out, to everyone, that has lost someone That they truly loved (c'mon, check it out) [Verse One: Puff Daddy] Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show I laced the track, you locked the flow So far from hangin on the block for dough Notorious, they got to know that Life ain't always what it seem to be (uh-uh) Words can't express what you mean to me Even though you're gone, we still a team Through your family, I'll fulfill your dream (that's right) In the future, can't wait to see If you'll open up the gates for me Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend (uh-huh) Try to black it out, but it plays again When it's real, feelings hard to conceal Can't imagine all the pain I feel Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath) I know you still living your life, after death [Chorus: Faith Evans] Every step I take, every move I make Every single day, every time I pray I'll be missing you Thinkin of the day, when you went away What a life to take, what a bond to break I'll be missing you [Puff] I miss you Big [Verse Two: Puff Daddy] It's kinda hard with you not around (yeah) Know you in heaven smilin down (eheh) Watchin us while we pray for you Every day we pray for you Til the day we meet again In my heart is where I'll keep you friend Memories give me the strength I need (uh-huh) to proceed Strength I need to believe My thoughts Big I just can't define (can't define) Wish I coul turn back the hands of time Us in the six, shop for new clothes and kicks You and me taking flicks Makin hits, stages they receive you on Still can't believe you're gone (can't believe you're gone) Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath) I know you still living you're life, after death [Chorus] [Faith Evans] Somebody tell me why [Interlude: Faith Evans] One black morning When this life is over I know I'll see your face [Outro: 112] Every night I pray, every step I take Every move I make, every single day Every night I pray, every step I take [Puff] Every day that passes Every move I make, every single day [Puff] Is a day that I get closer [Puff] To seeing you again Every night I pray, every step I take [Puff] We miss you Big... and we won't stop Every move I make, every single day [Puff] Cause we can't stop... that's right Every night I pray, every step I take Every move I make, every single day [Puff] We miss you Big [Chorus 2X with variations] [Chorus 1X with interlude 2X over the top to fade]

Lust or Love

For once I doubt that I was a borned slut!I have the thought of having sex with a man on the first date. I would put on erotic underwear eventhough...I enjoy sleeping nude,love dirty talk, desire sex when I am down or stressed and easily get turned on by sex scene... Well, in our society, these are not good sign! I worry that bad men can see through me and I will eventually only being attracted to players. But deep down I know what I want is true love. Fairy tale love! A man who cherishes me, supports me, shares his life with me, knows how to settle me and desires me! Afterall, I think lust is fine but love is better. Maybe my body tells me it's time for reproduction and so I become so lusty. It's not me, it's my left brain!!

Thank You List

Yesterday, I finally moved! Thanks for the supporting group. Also the moving company, Kai Kai moving, is very professional and kind. I don't have to go at all just making a few phone call arrangement. Now that the key is returned to landlord and I am relief. Coz I don't have to pay both rent and mortgage. Save me a lot. I love my new home!! Thanks God for giving me so much, not only stuffs I want but also friendship and kindness around me.

Hurray! My new home is ready to live! With a broken leg, this was definitely a huge project. However, thanks to all friends and family, I don't have to move a finger. My new home is very nice and cozy. Only need a little more decoration, I can move in. I can feel love in this house already. Thank you list: thanks J for packing and moving for me thanks Nel for all the reminders and assist in moving thanks V to assist in moving thanks F for unpacking and arranging thanks Mz - audio & video set-up thanks dad for all the supporting and care.

Learning to Lose

Throughout our life, we are taught how to accomplish, gain, get, win, achieve. Never once there is someone telling us how to lose. To lose the stuffs we long for and the people we love dearly. Unfortunately, we all have to face it one day no matter we know or don't know how to. I have a few experience in losing, first a Rolex, then a boyfriend, and then my grandma, then my health. But I've never learnt the lesson because I tend to escape. Not this time God allows me to get away so easy. My pet died accidentally in desease. From seeing him struggling on me, bringing him to the vet, watching him moaning unconsciously, and finally holding his dead body in my arm, I can do nothing but pray desperately for a chance to get him alive. He'd still gone! No matter how much I can pay for or how many tears I drop for him, he had been gone. This is lost! Forever lost. Never could see him again. No matter how much I want him back or how much I miss him. In the first episode of Six Feet Under, Nate said to the blaming father of a 6-year-old dead child, "Everybody dies. No matter how many people you punch, it wouldn't change the fact. Your chance to be in his life is over. Did you do it well or you just pissed it away! And your own fucking clock is ticking too." I guess dying is the most terrible kind of lost comparing to the others. And I think I will never learn how to handle and face it gracefully. "Not to piss it away", maybe that's what I should keep in mind!