Staying at home, I become a couch potato and watching SIX FEET UNDER. I am so attached to it now. It's like speaking for me for what I couldn't express for all thses years. It's so familiar yet there're so many new angles from life. Inspiring!
I only want to live with a meaning! But I scare of dying so badly. And I have no confident and concrete idea of the meaning. The feeling is so weired. It's like rootless, lack of motivation, no persistancy, yet super sensitive. I can feel tons of anger inside me. It's like a bomb ready to explose in any second.
I have been fucked up once. It was totally out of control and I am so regret. But then what can I do to myself. Life has to be go on. The age of giving up my life is over. Now, I should be mature enough to face all that shit. It's my own problem that I have to handle it well. I am stucked. Just like every single characters in SIX FEET UNDER. So no way out yet so scare of death.
I'm afraid of relationship. Can never get into real intimacy, to family, friends and lovers, and even to God. Have been hiding myself for too long. And now, I am incapable to pull the true self together and show my true color. Especially I can't do it in front of people I love and care. I am so fucked up.
Six months of therapy, lifted me up a bit but ... am afraid it's all gone now. I need another injection so I can live at least with some energy.
