God hates that when we worship other thing

Very Scary! This is a chapter describing how God punish the one who sin. Especially the biggest sin - making self an idol to worship at! These are who God loves dearly. He has plan on them. He is going to give them the best. Just for a while, they couldn't wait and sin. But it's cruel to me for what Moses did. Asking them to kill their own brothers and friends for their sin. Now I know how precious it is for Jesus to come. Otherwise, we all die many times. How come the Jewish not believing in Jesus as saviour? They have miss out a lot. Why God find worship other God so big sin? Even killing, he can stand. Because he is the only one for real. He gave us life and create this world for us. He deeply loves us since. All he asks for is our faithful to him. Our rely on him only and our love back to him. Inside, I may still not agree but I give my faith. Exodus 32

Don't underestimate the result in sin

For all the details God teaches Israel how to worship him, memorize him, it is to see God is very care about the relationship with us. He knows us, that we easily forget. Especially in his merit and grace. We forget how great he is, how much he has done for us, how powerful he is, how much he loves us. When we don't remember always, we fall. Fall in the dark side of life. We can't win over together with him.

Secondly, it's to remind us that he is straight. We must be clean in front of him. Must! Not an optional. That's what he ask of us otherwise we are unable to get closed to him. Admit it, alert to it, avoid it, support each other to try best not to do it. Again not optional, must! Because he is purity.

Third, he is serious and so he wants us to be so too. Be serious with his command. It's not he punishes us for our sin. When we give a way to sin, we reject God to walk closely with us. Big mistake! Nothing better than have him walk closely day by day. Do not let anything to distance you from him. He will be sad and we will be missing out a lot in life - or losing our eternal life... Exodus25-29

After a prayer meeting, I have this nice long chat with sister. About career, love and sex. Never thought of talking sex with sister. I guess it's just love opens our heart and now we can just talk about anything. I reveal my weakness to her. It was kind of relief in a way. Especially she cares about me. She takes my weakness serious. I guess love can heal everything. God's love heal our sisterhood. Her love opens my heart to share with her on everything. Love is not sex or vice versa. I never know love. But I feel like knowing it better and better. One thing I realize from the chat, I am lusty and I am childish in relationship. Doing no good to my future marriage if I ever want one. Yes, I must get more equipped for my Mr. Right!

Grow up, mother!

To many people, "mother" equals to love. But to me, this word means selfish, emotional, wicked, pride, judgemental, reject, insane (sometimes), out of control, pathetic, living in the past, mentally weak, control freak, hateress. Yet, I can't explain why, there is still love for her. Only a little gesture from her representing a little nicer, my heart get softer. Even though I am pretty sure that she hurts me again, I want to give her chance. (maybe I have no choice in a mother!)

The reason talking about her again, is that she'd been a bitch again. Not to me, but to sister and my friend. Take the religious conversation personal after a church meeting and attack sister with mean phrases at a restaurant. She claims she is victim (well of course she always be) and she get really disappointed with sister and Christianity. Never want to meet sister in a short while and will surely not going to holy land with her in July after this incident. What can I say! This is so her. Like child fight.

The real cause is she is not happy with me and dad not bringing her to Japan. And she expected when she paid for the dinner, everyone should listen and agree to her preach, especially in front of her friends. I only hope her growing up one day.

Luxury Trip

I am back from tremendous Hokkaido trip. It was awesome. It's my first time and I am already looking forward to next visit in summer. Well, first going with dad is great. He always agree on what I suggest to go and eat. He always pay. The most important of all, he is happy to have a trip like this. The only thing is I gotta drive for a whole week. 2-3 hours per day in average. I love driving but the icy road is just not an good experience. Especially I don't want to put my dad's life in risk before assuring of where he goes after. We had lots of hot springs and nice food. The crab, the kobe beef, the fresh sashimi as well as sushi. They are just fantastic. The spa parts are also thrilling as we at our first time getting in a outdoor natural hot spring when it's snowing. I can find no word to describe my feeling. I just can't. Not to mention the friendly yet zero English Japanese people. They are so nice and helpful. Every services are unquestionable. Clean and considerable everywhere. We were just overwhelming. Other than spa and food, we go to a farm experiencing butter making, milk squeezing from a real cow and being a steel-grill cook. Also, we make our own glass mug and vase at a glass-making shop in Otaru. Plenty of luxury indulgent in this trip. Of course I do not miss out the shopping part. Dad already booked me for going again in summer time. I am glad we both enjoy the trip so much.

Pre-trip

Will go to a long trip tomorrow. Today, spend some time with mother. Take her to spa at a bargain price. When she is easier to be pleased and satisfied, I kind of like to be with her. It feels close, safe, comfy and girly. Glad she is still healthy enough to go here and there with me. Glad I can afford to bring her try new stuff like that.

We dine after spa. Our topic again goes to family. Eldest uncle needs heart surgery soon. Mother enjoys being needed. So she heard about this bad news and feels like doing something. Just that there are still too much bittering that I don't like. I told her, we should all be generous to love and care the needy. Especially to our family. Letting our pride to forbid our good intention is stupid. I hope she really understand.

I think God is working on her now. She agrees to go with sister to a gospel meeting. And they will go for a holyland trip in July. I think we are getting close.

I know dad is as exciting as me for the trip. I must ensure we have good time. Because dad is old and not much chance to have such long trip with him. I want him to be happy and have good memory. Also, I must tell him the gospel in full in this trip no matter he is ready or not, accept or not. I pray for courage and wisdom. And safty trip!

Instructions

Usually I either scan or skip the paragraphs with instructions. I hate details. I hate command. Hate to be forced to follow step by step and no mistake can be made. I enjoy flexibility and allow creativity. I know how important it is to set up rules for later use, instruction must be clear for everyone after to know how to worship him. But to me, it means nothing because today we do not worship like that. I guess one thing I learnt is God minds how we worship. Not just any way we like to but the way he prefers. Also, he like our total obedience that reflects our absolute faith in him. And that's what he likes. In other angle, shall we human know what to do if he didn't tell us how? Shall we do things right or we just fall into satan's trap over and over again? In the Genesis, God's instructions are very limited. Just not to eat the fruit of the life tree. Free as a bird in the garden. Instructions are good or bad? Do we really have our own thought? Are we capable of making such judgement without his rule? What is freedom? Do we know how to handle it? Exodus20+

Car crash

I want to get ready for a new start. A new pet in my life. So I see a pair of chihuahua in a petshop. All their expressions are exactly same as mine. Very cute and heartbreaking. I need more advice and time to think. I left the shop and release all my feeling at a karaoke box for hours. Before I got too exhausted, I drove myself home. I was almost there. On the last intersections, I bumped into the car in front of me. The crash woke me up from my deep thoughts of Jason. I got off and tried my best to apologized. Luckily the guy was nice enough to let me go. Must not drive for a while until I got a peaceful mind again.

Younger boyfriend?

Project done. At least I put in graphes and added in more recommandations. Kind of relief anyway. But not crazily happy!

My body is so sore. Must save energy for the Hokkaido trip next week. So I rent a korean sitcom. It is a story about how a 30 fat girl find love. Must admit it reminds me of many love stuff.

Women over 30 still looking for love. Not a good position. Usually they got some hurting experience in relationship no matter she recovers or not. Usaually the personality is not as easy as those in early 20s. Usaually they are financially independant and have certain amount of pride and self protection tendency. Some don't believe in love or marriage anymore. Some even hate men from the hurting experience. Most secretly still long for love but not able to admit it.

What other think about these 30s ladies? Some men think can take their advantage. Take them for granted because they are for sale?! Some married people envy their lives with no attachement or in other words no responsibility. Other married couples find them immature or afraid to grow up. Younger females either see them as losers or remind themselves to not be in the same situation. 30+ men prefer innocent younger choice to enhance their macho self image. In this no way out situation, younger men seem a last solution for we 30's ladies.

The problem is... how would the younger guys fall for a 30+ woman? Well, there is a few reasons. 1. no matter how mature a 30+ woman is in daily life, she is still naive when looking for love. 2. men find these women more comfortable to be with because they are more considerating. 3. men are kids and they actually looking for mother image woman. 4. Woman tends to accept more faults from man just because of his age is younger.

If they really don't mind, it will be a solution. Or if ther is LOVE cover their eyes, it will do too.

Planning a trip

Preparing intinerary to Hokkaido. A trip with dad. A first one since I am grow up. Maybe the last one...maybe... I hope not. Really want to be a nice trip. Making him happy. He is old but healthy. Thanks God. He changed a lot. I wish him happy and healthy. I really want to make sure he go to heaven. I will drive him around and plan everything in the trip. I hope I handle well and I don't get too tired for that.

Stand up with my own feet

It's almost done my dissertation but I have no feeling of achievement. How much you pay, how much you get! No exception. I am quite empty these few days. Movies and sitcom marathon. Because of emptiness inside, I sink in movies and sitcom from time to time. I rather stay in a fake world then the real life I guess. I know it's wasting time and won't do me any good. But I still let myself cos at least I am pleased during those hours. Pathetic! The real life is too painful. Went for one of the movie at french cinepanorama yesterday with cousin. She filled me up with bad news from family. Despite her mental problem, she is brave and mature in handling it. To be honest, I feel ashame. I have no idea why I have no motivation in anything. Is it simply because I am lazy? Or am I actually sick mentally? Even therapy won't change anything. Just for a short while, and then I fail again. Tiny little thing can pull me down and never be able to get up again. I hate myself to be like that. But I can do nothing. Times pass by and nothing change. I desire change and so afraid that I will be like that until I die. When can you stand up with your own feet?

Thy shall not ....

To me, God is my close friend, my father, my lover. He provides, love me, comfort me, teach me and accompany me so I won't be lonely. I hate authorities so I won't see him as Lord or king. I am happy he is the creator but I don't like to be commanded. I do whatever I want to.

In chapter 19 and 20, God ensured his role of Lord and his absolute requests from us. Either die or live, no borderline. He intentionally wanted the Israel to be afraid of him. So, they are less likely to do the wrong thing.

Because I never afraid of God, I do whatever I want to. I made tons of mistake, hurting myself. I never control myself from it. It's like swimming freely in a dirty pond. I thought it's freedom but as a matter of fact, I live in the dark.

The ten commandments God gave Israel and all of us, I have committed all. Only he knows and I know. When there is sin, you can't sleep well. Dreams keep coming up and shoulder keeps being tense after hours of sleep. No one can escape from self and God no matter how well he cheated the world.

When he says "Thy shall not..." just do it! For there is no better way for a peaceful life.

Exodus19/20

Consult selectively

When parents act like kids, their kids have to expedite in growing up. I am one good example. I don't remember I ever enjoy one second of childhood. I was always being forced to handle circumstances exceeding my ability. Well, I survive! How?

Well, when problem comes up, I deal with it all by myself. Never once I discuss with family or friends when I was a kid. Simply because friends are not trustworthy and family is never available for me. I stay calm and think through every possible situation. Eventually, I figure (1) almost all problems can be solved by money and (2) even there is not a solution, the problem will go with the time. Then, it is really unnecessary to consult others.

Now that you know how I become such a loner. No matter at work place or in relationship, I really don't see the point of letting other participate in my decision. Because I really believe I can live without anyone. Well, as long as I have money in my pocket.

But recently, I have some different thought. Sharing is fun. Discussion is interesting and stimulating. Accepting the help of others is blessing. Simply hanging out is comfy. I believe Moses was so glad to see his father-in-law for he had a right person to share and to talk with. Well, maybe, I have changed. Or maybe, the other me has awaken.

Even Moses couldn't finish the task alone. He needed Arron to speak for him. Joshua to lead the army. Arron and Hur to hold his hand when praying on the hill. Now his father-in-law to remind him of management of Israel. He couldn't do everything himself. But to decentralize authority to talented and honest people. He must trust others, hands off and let others participate.

When there is a problem, many voices appear. Not all voices we have to listen to. Only listen to the one God uses, the one who loves God and praise him, the one with experience, the one with love as intention. And most importantly, the one who direct you to go back to bible. This is very helpful to a self-centered person like me. Exodus18

Victory At Work Place

Team working in God's work

Bravo! The war with Am'alek is beautiful. There are few elements in a victory I found:

1. God on their side clearly

2. use God's chosen one; and the right person in right place (Joshua pick and lead the army)

3. a lot of pray, that is, let God leads

4. not doing alone; but in team (Arron and Hur help holding his hand when he got tired)

5. continuous and persisting intimate relationship with God (when his hand down, they lose)

6. support your team with all your effort


Leadership never easy

Moses, as a leader, was never easy. He got scolded all the time. Only very often, he was appreciated. But God is always at his side teaching him the next step. However, never once (so far I read) God comforted him alone. If this is a model of leadership, it tells us clearly that leadership in his work is totally different from in the world. We gain wealth, power, prestige and others good stuffs. But leader in him get fault-picking, challenge, disapproval, even get stoned for Moses. We may get tired, frustated, annoying, even faithless. We may use our own interpersonal skill, management tool, or give up our vision in the first place as for a solution. But in fact, the only way is to ask God for the instruction of next step. His instructions are precise that we can just follow step by step. Most important of all, keep in mind that HE is the leader not us! - Exodus17

Team working in God's work Bravo! The war with Am'alek is beautiful. There are few elements to win: 1. God on their side clearly 2. use God's chosen one; and the right person in right place (Joshua pick and lead the army) 3. plenty of prays, that is, let God leads 4. not doing alone; but in team (Arron and Hur help holding his hand when he got tired) 5. continuous and persisting intimate relationship with God (when his hand down, they lose) 6. support your team with all your effort Leadership never easy Moses, as a leader, was never easy. He got scolded all the time. Only very often, he was appreciated. But God is always at his side teaching him the next step. However, never once (so far I read) God comforted him alone. If this is a model of leadership, it tells us clearly that leadership in his work is totally different from in the world. Being leaders in the world, we gain wealth, power, prestige and others good stuffs. But leader in him get fault-picking, challenge, disapproval, even get stoned for Moses. We may get tired, frustrated, annoying, even faithless. We may use our own interpersonal skill, management tool, or give up our vision in the first place as for a solution. But in fact, the only way is to ask God for the instruction of next step. His instructions are precise that we can just follow step by step. Most important of all, keep in mind that HE is the leader, not us! -Exodus17

Let go our hand

Sabbath- it's a law to worship on the 7th day To we big city person, a day off even on Sunday is luxury. The harder we work on the weekdays, the harder we play on the weekend as for redeem. God himself does not work on the 7th day. And he requests us not to. And the day is for him not for us to take courses, meet friends, rest our body or entertain ourselves. Individualism rationalizes our lifestyle and ignoring the law. But take a second thought, it's not too much to ask by as a creator and provider. And it's a gift for us to rest in peace alive.

Manna- God, the provider He heard our complain and physical need. He provided manna for 40years. But he always reminds us that physical need is not everything. Our spirit and relationship with him are what he actually cares. So he wanted Israel not to keep manna overnight. It's to train their discipline, their loyalty, their faith in him and practising in relying on him ONLY.

Trust him or Trust ourselves Our faith is smaller than a piece of seed. I am an insecure person. Contingency is a must for every decision. Although I ask him for help, I always have my own backup plan. The world says it's smart but God doesn't. Letting go our hand and relying on him actually requires training. Bit by bit. It's torture because our hand still grabbing. Because we still believe we can. Because we still think what if... Because we are too afraid to lose. Because we don't know him enough. Because we never give him a real chance.

A man grabs a trunk of a tree when falling from a cliff. Hours later, he is exhausted. He prays for help desperately. In the end, he falls. he thinks he will die but he doesn't. Because the ground is less than one feet right under. The hours of struggling...is it smart? Is it inevitable? Exodus16

Judgemental

This wedding brings us together. There were too much unhappiness these years in our family. There are tears of course for the one in our memory. New start and hope wash away the sorrow. That's what I bless from the bottom of my heart.

I picked up mom and dad and we arrived on time. Cousin V begged me to be MC with her. I was not prepared but I wanted to support her and the wedding. So I did. It's my first time to me MC. I was not doing perfectly but I learnt some important stuff from this experience.

I was a very stressed person since I was young. I make noise with my teeth when I sleep. I hold my fist tightly unconsciously. I have lots of dream in sleep. I rely on addiction to put myself asleep. I was never a happy and open person. I never speak out my opinion. I hide my real feeling. I pay too much attention on what people think about me. I rather withdraw than risk under uncertainties. Eventually I become a passive, irresponsible person, indecisive.

But now I know it's not the real me. I am expressive. I enjoy close relationship. I like adventure and new experience. I love to laugh at everything and be relax all the time. I hate to guess and think too much on why people say or do such thing. I am a passionate person.

My personality is distorted. Because I have a judgemental mother!

When I was on the stage, I noticed I worried about what mother thought of my performance. I desired her support and approval. Other than her, I actually didn't care what other think. After the wedding, she gave me a judgemental glance showing disapproval of my speech. I had a second of bad feeling. But then I tried to get it over. I went through every words I said on the stage and started to critizise myself. What am I doing to myself? It's already over. And no one is going to see me again there. In fact, no one knows me there. It's not my time to show off ability. I was just being supportive!

Suddenly, I know. It's her! She is still a pressure to me. Whatever she said means a lot to me. Even many are prejudice and subjective. I spend life time to please her, to get her approval. And my counsellor has told me not once that it's enough! It's my choice to get out from the myth.

No wonder I hate to judge and to be judged that much. And unconsciously I become very open minded. Because I experience myself that judgement can be very destructive to a person. No one has the authority to do that to other. No one can say his judgement is absolutely right. And judgement itself is always negative, for own pleasure and great harm on other.

I am learning to release myself. But at the same time, I have to learn how to accept positive suggestion. Because no one is always right on everything. I can't just reject any comment only because my self esteem is being attacked. To get it balanced becoming a more mature and wise adult is what I like to achieve.

Cousin's Wedding

Today is a special day. The first cousin in our family get married. I have a big family. 5 aunties, 3 uncles and 18 cousins. We are quite bonded when we were young, when grandma is here. I am one of the elder seeing them grow up. But I was never too closed to them for I left the country long time ago. I always regret that.

Since when, I heard problems coming up in each family. Affairs, money, crime, etc. The most heardbreaking one is ... my little cousin killed herself. She was only 19 and she was under medication on depression. It was about 5 years ago.

When grandma left, it was very hard for all of us. Grandma is a very tough woman with very kind heart. She is the muse, the center, the bond to us. I love her old stories, her life philosophy, her comfort when mother beat me up, love chatting with her about everything. She always encourage me never once being negative.

I guess her leaving is not easy for all of us. We met less after. Less love in the family. More problem comes up. She loves every grandkids. If she knows Tingting is gone like that, she would be ..... or she would not let that happen.

The groom is the elder brother of Tingting. The wedding day is her birthday - the 22th of November. Every family members (still in hong kong) will go tonight. Bring in some happiness to the family after all. There is a scene in my dream...... that just like the old time when we were all kids. We can always be there in each gathering. Grandma is busy in preparing food. Aunts and uncles are busy in playing marjong and chichating. We kids are busy playing creative but silly games. Laugh spreads everywhere in the house... Everyone is there...

Praise, no matter what

This is a chapter of praise. Israels saw and experienced the work of God. They couldn't stop expressing their praise to him. His power, his strength, his Almighty's, his distinction. They praised, gave thanks, assured God, shout out loud that they trust him with joy.

Sister told me many times that worship and praise is very important. Only that we worship the Lord is happy and pleased. When we praise, satan has to escape. When our mouth and heart praise the lord, we no longer focus on the world and ourselves but God himself. We can see more clearly for the circumstances. Holy spirit comforts our soul. No matter delightful or depress, praise!

God adores King David. Although he committed sin, he always praise and take God's words seriously. He has a very close relationship with God. The problem is to praise right after seeing him is easy. But to keep praising no matter what is hard. We are man with little faith. Or I am. When I see there is no water for 3 days, I will defintely complain too (just like the israel).

Why some people have big faith and some don't? I believe it's their growing background. People bitter as me, will always untrusted and jealous. They will never have a free and joyful heart. It is pathetic. God can changes me a bit. But only I let him to. The bitter roots at me and hard to wash away. I want to be able to praise all the time from he bottom of my heart. Exdous15

The 35th French Cinepanorama

35th French Cinepanorama in Hong Kong this year started next week. Despite my dissertation's deadline, I can't stop myself from getting the tickets. mmmm very much looking forward to it... Love movie since I was young. Movies, cure depress. Create a world for hiding away to. Teach various perception of life. Make dream comes true. Encourage to think deeper. Balance the mood. Foreign movies especially, show us the world, the culture, the different ways of thinking, the music. Love french movies beacause they tell my mind. Sometimes crazy, sometimes moody, always sohpisticated. Yeah just like me!