mom is sick. I gotta scold maid too often recently. I am too wicked. I spent an evening taking her to see doctor. Frankly, I hate but I know I won't regret doing it. Ai, contradiction! Paul have said that in bible already. Life is never easy but with God, it's different! yesterday v and I went watching Olympic horse game at shatin. I love the 1st time of everything. I was soooo exciting. God prepared tickets and companion for me. I enjoy the show. especially when the americans went crazy when their players won the metal. Once in a life time and I really enjoyed.

Fly like an eagle! You are the wind beneath my wings. Let me breakthrough myself. Flying high and flying free. I was once a prisoner. Eager to break the wall. You today bring me to the air. I see a whole new world. But I am not scared. Because you, the wind to protect me. I will never fall!

Work becoming heavy recently. Get off at 8pm tonite. Long chat with L last nite. So tired today. Pulling the tired and sad body home, call dad on the way. He got more succi than me. About business. I feel sad for he still struggle for work at his age. But he's not listening. What can i do? There's too many thing I can't do. Reach home, grab some junk into mouth and watch Chi vs Cub. I was crying for no reason in front of the match with the junk in my hand. The sad feeling is not leaving me alone. Roommate asked me if I wanna go hiking this sunday... don't wanna do nothing.

I am sad. The whole town gets heat up with olympic fire. But I am sad. Because I don't like sport. Because I don't feel attached to China. Because everyone is faking cheer leader. Because I don't like people burning stuff on the street. Because the fire kill the firemen. Because my friends lost their baby all in sudden. Because I can't sleep at night. Because it always raining and when it's sunny, I had no one to celebrate with. Because I was too happy in Okinawa and now extremely down. Because daddy is no longer free for high tea. Because the summer holiday of mine is over. Because the house is dirty. Because my best friend is in love. Because of too many spare time?! I am sad. Close to sorrow. Not yet to grief.

This is to give thanks for a enjoyable and energetic sun and beach trip. I was happy to reunion with old friend. Giving me good playmates. Thanks! Never expect to learn it from D. Still immature, get pleasure with taking advantage from others and finding it a smart thing to do. The truth is... people are just choosing not to do it doesn't mean they are stupid, God borrow their mouth to teach me. Root in my heart this time. I got nice suntan and learnt to wakeboard. I love everything God made! I enjoy living!

Today wandering around flower market. Got a call from previous piano school. Got my grade 5 result! Merit! yeah.... Frankly, I don't even know how much to pass. For that performance, to be just pass is too good for me. Merit!!!! Thanks God. For not only merit. but also someone to share with. someone to celebrate with. someone to walk through with. thank you thank you thank you!

Mood: Romantic, any men can be charming playing piano
Physical status: Exhauted, after 15mins solor spa that equals to 3hrs of exercise
Spiritual status: Grateful, for God loving me so even I am dust
Project: another day tmr for the name change compaign...
Wish: no more crazy anger with the allien at my house

Grade 5 Piano Exam

My hand is shaking. Shivering inside. Hate this feeling. In 30mins, I will be in a paino exam that I've been preparing for 11 months. I am extremely nervous now. I thank God for having F to comfort me and encourage me with her instant experience. But Still I got so nervous, an unfamiliar emotion lately. God I wish I can handle well and just do good and stable in the exam. Give me peace in mind and dont take success too serious. Aiya... gonna get going.

I understand a little

Read a message saying God dont lead his people to a wealthy land. God dont lead them out of suffering. God is to free them from worshipping him, to be able to build an intimate relationship with him. Some suffer may bring us closer to him. In contrast, wealthy land may keep us away from him. I suddenly understand a little. If I am committed to a family now, I wouldn't have had this free heart on him. I will never find him that close, that supportive, that only to my everyday every moment. God teach me to enjoy be with you even with friends, career, family. So I am well prepared to have my own famly too. But I will wait and enjoy the time with you solely for now.

Meeting with M

It was F1 I met her. She became my best friend immediately. Classmates envied our friendship. We together learnt and joined activities. That was the happiest time so far in my life. Because my childhood was in frighten, lies, abuse and abandon. Maybe I didn't have that capacity to load those adversities at that time, it still seemed to me a nightmare but not real. Anyway, her friendship and acceptance gave me lots of support and courage to start my high school. Then, I can't remember if it's F3, she got another best friend. I was acting weird, jealous and miserable. I experience my first heartbreak. I cried everyday and I had no one to tell. F5 I went study in Canada giving her and I a "full stop". Although I experienced later on more heartbreaking ends of relationship, deep in my heart, there were place reserved for her long time ago. That's why today, after 17 years we met with her new born son, bugs bite inside. Figure out my feeling now, I love her as an old buddy still. And I pray for her and family all the best. And I finally find the reason for my conservative and not trusting other. That was really hurt! I better ask God to completely heal me.

We Hongkongnese has no charistma. Probably because we've been suffering from continuous cultural attacked for too long. We are very lost. For we are so lost and helpless, we bet our life on money, what we are told that can help us in attaining better life, one day. For money, we forget how much we've given up. Our root, our historical monuments, our old friends and neighbours and our dreams. I love everything about the old Hong Kong. Maybe because I am getting old. And maybe because of my awaken soul. - after watching McDull movie

Tonight should be the last nite for uncle's wife. I brought soup and dinner box to the hopsital. When I hear cousin wanted her younger brother to be tough and not to do silly thing, I really admired her. The parents in our family are all dictators. Relationship is never good with different reasons. A lot of hidden problems waiting to explose. Like my cousin moved out because of uncle's unreasonable and controlling attitude to them. I totally understand because my mom was the same. I am too late to take part in it. To show care. Everyone has ten years. Their 10 years having a mother with cancer and a dad with terrible temper. Mine wandering around, winning about not good enough situation. Have I ever lived in this 10 years? I just never think of others not even my closed family. I was so self-centered, selfish and cruel. I never realize their perception of me is true..... I want to do more from now on. God please bless our family. Bless everyone. Teach us love on another more and more. Make me a peace maker. Give me the gut to shout out your love!

When I see cousin K so lost and cried, it breaks my heart. Doctor said her mother situation is not optimistic. The strongest medication is being applied but the situation only getting worst. The eyes of uncle are empty when he explained to us. Life is fragile. We are tiny and helpless. We put our hands on her and pray in front of cousin w. Sis said she says "thank you" for we don't know what. With little faith, I hope God has mercy on her bring her to heaven. I call mom last nite and feel comfort inside a bit. I guess I am grateful that my mom and dad still healthy and independent and can do what they like to, go where they want to. I thank God for keeping them healthy. I pray for their eternal life.

Breast Cancer II

My heart is full of joy and thanks. For He not only listen to my prays, but not listen to my blames, sent me friends, church friends, little sis v, to support, care and pray for me, and provide a good doctor. After all, the big "fibroid" was only some FAT! And the tiny one is not a matter. We'll just do regular check of the size. So... when I am so worry about painful procedure, God said no procedure is required!
I learnt many from this experience.
1. Share not only joy but worries to others. Let them support and be a part in it.
2. Pray seule, in group, pray for others
3. Faith! I tried so hard to find doctor and information and source from friends. What I got is increasing anxiety. No faith, I sink. With faith, I could go through as easy as flying in the cloud.
4. Anytime care for the others, not self! When I become more self-focus, I started to postpone caring for others and think it's normal and reasonable. But Holy spirit made me feel the urge of my friend L. I must invite L and Y for a pray meeting asap. Never thought of that pray meeting is actually for myself. And for friendship. And for building their faith too. Haleluja!
5. With less faith, we pray for little. God shows me he can do much more than that! Silly me! I was afraid to ask for more.

Thirst

I thirst for you Jesus, I thirst for you Thirst for your presence Thirst for your calling for your forgiveness and for your mercies Lord, I thirst for you

Breast Cancer?!

Left breast feeling a bit of pain lately. So go for check this week. Bomb, there is something inside. A fibroid? Cancer? Dunno yet! Enough to drag me down. I pray while dr is checking. Miriclely, I got peace inside. "Kid, nothing to worry, you are mine!" He said. Report will take a couple days. Then will consult dr for next action with the report. Life is a rollercoaster! I guess the down feeling doesn't come from the breast problem but no one to share and care. Well, the only one I had told by now is dad, who gave no comment as if it was just a bite by mosquito. The incapable of sharing my situation hurt me a bit. Today, I shared with one of my best friend J. She will pray for me and I felt better. But the most comfort I got from unexpectly - my little sis in the states. While we were sharing Christian's life and struggles and faith and thankful experience, just like that, I found myself feeling better and better. We shout haleluja almost at the same time. How can I not see God so love me and my whole family. And that he announces in our conversation that, He will not abandon me, ever!

Angry Selling

I am very angry. Today, supposed to be completion of selling my flat. Everything is ready, except the buyer not happy with the lighting. First I was really annoying for being asked to fix the light for them. Was trying to avoid responsiblity and trouble during this big holiday that everything closed. When I knew money might be taken from my deposit, I understand I had to fix it anyway. I really don't want to pay a even a penny on the house which is going to be others. So this morning, my very first time, I check the procesure on the internet and I fixed it myself and I actually did it! HA! To tell the truth, I start to understand the buyers' mind when I went up there and found several light not be able to get on. No one will settle that easy for that for a 2 million HK dollars good. Okay! So how come I still get angry the whole evening. The solitcitor is on their side keeping up my deposit until they checked the lighting is all fine. It's not about how much it is. It's about fairness. The lighting is all good now, just they don't have time to check. Why should my deposit be hold?! The solicitor said it's legal for them to return the deposit within 21 days. And one thing she said really upset me. She said even they charged me for a thousand dollars to fix the lighting is fair enough. Come on! Nothing is wrong with the lighting. How would lighting cost 1000 dollars anyway? I hate the feeling of waiting for mercy. They should return deposit as the house has no problem. It's fine now. Why would I have to wait and worry that they charge me for stupid reason? It's just not fair! and supposed to represent ME, the solicitor stands by their side???! I am so regret to leave them a HK10000 closet. If for the preious me, I would throw away, break it, etc anything but to leave it to them. What will Jesus do in the circumstances? How can the angry go away?

2008

I envy people. Those who embrace life, live with dream, not giving up, brave for challenge. I envy them. Myself, I've been wasting my life. How come I never have the feeling of living is so good. How come there is nothing in the world that make me feel I want to live for it. Is life itself really that charming? If so, how come I never feel it that way. I just don't enjoy my life very much. I have almost everything materialwise. And now I have also friends and family who love me dearly. How come that just don't make me embrace life. I am the most lost person in the whole world. For so long, I still don't know what I need. I have no dream, no motivation, no talent, no desire... I hate to waste my life but I can do nothing. I try to do it better but I am too weak. How could everyone hang on and I slip off every time. I really don't get it and totally lost, frustrated and helpless. This is a new year again. I really want to change my life up side down. This year, I want to make more valuable friends, love more people, learn more and act more like bible, hang on in a regular job and one volunteer work. I want to bring happy to other more, be more patient and tender as Jesus.

Dear Lord, I am also your lovely daughter. I love you, want to know more about you and I am ready to serve you. Also, I am lonely most of the time. Please do not forget me and be sure to bring in my husband soon. I am sure with his spiritual support and companionship, I will grow up faster and stronger. I wish to walk with him hand in hand in your way. Thanks in advance. with love

Marriage is a double face jerk

The singles, crazy for marriage. They would give up everything for jump into marriage as soon as possible. Paying a fortune for mating service, losing dignity to please the partner, women living in a torturing life to keep in shape so as to attract men. In other hand, married couples, so regret for their decision. Losing freedom, tired of compromising, unhealthy problem kids ruinning everyone's lives.

Frankly, I don't have courage get involve in relationship. The marriage of my parents. No love at all. All about money, selfish and negotiation. No pity at all to a 70+ husband. Never once control her temper to at least give one day break to him. All he asks for is peace and calm and he's giving everything for it. Even that, she takes everything for granted and torture everyone around her. No repent! It's a terrible marriage example I grow up from. Will I be able to have a fortune marraige my own?

I feel bad to see dad suffering like this but I can do nothing. I blame myself and hopeless. God, please do not let her hurt anyone again. Show her how it feel for what she did to others. Please save them all!