Every Morning is Painful

Every morning is painful Every shower is cold Every journey is endless Every smile is hard Every word is meaningless Every plan is off Every season is winter Every room is empty Every road is dead-ended Every song is blue Only cigarette pleases me Killing me bit by bit Bringing me closer and closer To where I belong with

The Devil wears Prada Review

Watched The Devil wears Prada. Not a brilliant movie but fun for a watch. A girl with smart resume but with no sense of fashion gets a job from Vogue (Runway in the movie). Stuggling with: To have own "style" or to be wrapped with branded high fashion clothing like others To insist in showing the devil boss her ability or to quit just like that To do it as a job that pays the bills or to be "into" it and to build passion for what she is doing To keep a steady relationship or to go for a charm talented romantic writer To choose friendship or to seize the chance of climbing up in career To be self or to be someone everyone admires To stick with own dream or to be sidetracked by everybody's "dream job" The movie reminds me of my first job. I had a devil boss too (well who doesn't). I hanged in there for 6 months. I am proud of myself for I have shown I am not a baby who just gives up when there is bad time. Life is about choice. Very easy to get lost. Set on the dream and hang in there...... I am still learning that!!!!!!

In the Fog

Have you ever in anykind of addictions - wine, cigarette, drugs, sports, love and sex. It's no fun for a control freak as me.

Addiction, I believe, is caused by self blaming, low self esteem, or even with the intention of self destroying. Very scary and huge problem!

The feeling is like walking in the fog all by self. No direction but very exciting. But after all, the pleasure is often very short term and regrettable. Sometimes, it is even not enjoyable as before but still one will continue doing it. Gradually, an increasing hatre to oneself and others ends up with repeating addiction behavior. This cycle forbids the addictor to have the ability to get up himself.

Addiction also often isolates one from society, friends and family. Making it harder to get support when mostly needed. Sinking with no recuse explains the situation.

2G is what I need now to get rid of the addiction. Well I am experienced. God and Guts.

"Eight Below"

Rent the movie "Eight Below" by Disney. I remember I was going to see it at cinema. But then my dog passed away. The vcd is out for months already. Everytime I saw it, I am afraid to rent it home. Yesterday, sister and cousin came to my place and we have a long talk from 3pm to 11pm. Finally, I can talk about him. Reading the bible story of the king David losing his son, I got some insight and new belief in my sorrow. David stopped eating and bathing until son died. But then he went up and cleaned and started to eat again and most importantly, he worshipped. He lost but he knew nothing will change even he kept weeping. So he started again. Then God gave him Soloman. Therefore, I went to rent the movie home. Just watched half of it, my heart sink. Tears came out when seeing how the dogs save human being, how obedience they are, the will of fighting to survive, how they take care each other, even their cute facial expression. Reminding me of him. He was such a little sweetheart to me. .... I love him I love him I love him......... but I will live strong..........

My lovely fan

I love my new hang fan light. It is what I want for long time. Very elegant, classic, colonial, oriental. I got a 10 feet height ceiling so look very nice. Cool! The flat looks so different and cool.

Schedule of the Previous Week

Monday I went to high school reunion and find that I am the only single one! Tuesday I went to the cinema alone. Webnesday I forgot to take hepatitsis medicine. Thinking: will I be able to find someone who would risk being with me and having baby with me? Thursday I went to a friend's club house for body massage. She invited me stay overnight. Ending up she talked about her bad experience in dating recently. Friday no plan at all..... rent video and watched all day........alone. Saturday one of my close female friend (30 and single) invited me out to dinner. She reminded me of how lonely we all are. Finished dinner at 12:30am but still she suggested to go clubbing.... we are so desperate. Sunday I went to church and it was first time for gathering. I found the group all singles. But still "single" means not married with stable relationship. Sorry, to me "single" means nothing in hand! Have I already missed the golden time? Missed the right person? Missed the timing? Have I? Talking to net friend on the phone all night long. I was told 30+ guys are looking for 20+. 40+ guys are all married with kids or divorced not wanting to commit again. No exit for we 30+ ladies and it is miserable. Will I end up all alone......

Working for Money?!

Finally, quit the job! Feeling relief. It is over and I dont have to struggle anymore. It has been few months that I've thinking of quitting. But I can't do that because I was not sure. Well, now I have decided and it is kind of impusive though. Because I am now totally disappointed to the people and finding no prospect at all.

I don't know what I will do. And whether I can survive in new job. I know it will be more and more difficult for me but I pray for the strength and faith in career. I have to achieve it now. Can't keep searching and quitting. I have to overcome my fear and interpersonal problem. I have to be stable from now on. I have to be more persistant. I have to grow up and be a mature employee because that's what everyone does. And I would need the stable salary to live.

Recently, people around me are telling me how money is important to their life. It destroys self-esteem. Make couples break up. Keep families away from each other. Kill dreams of a person... No money no talk!! In Hong Kong, it is very true. Since I never had money problem, it is a brand new topic to me. I only money can bring happiness. I don't know lack of money bring in so many problems.

I work for self satisfaction. Never work for money. So whenever I feel like quitting, I do so. Never once, I force myself to be patient and wait. Thinking of working for money, it already made me scared and feel sick. I really don't know if I can do it. I know I have to be realistic for now and it would be difficult for me. But this time, I must fight!!!

I pray for a job that I can handle and settle. Because I am sure if the job is approved by Him, I can handle it. I have the experience!

Those were the days

This week is soooo "those were the days"... First, had great time in the "Long Time No See" concert. So happy to see Jan and Eric get back together after all these years. Jacky Cheung lighted up the show and brought us back to the old time when he sang "每天愛你多一些". But of course I like the "白雪公主 米奇老鼠" version better! I especially like the part about their relationship throughout these years. They were like brothers sharing everything when their career just started. Then there are about 10 years they have no contact at all. (Jan even blamed Eric not informing him for his new born boy.) They use a song "最佳損友" to describe their regret to their fading relationship. So glad they didn't pretend and have the guts to tell us that they are just the same as everyone of us. Yes, it's a cruel world we are living in. Very few friendship work for life time. There are so many things we desire yet not enough time to get. Therefore, we choose not to invest in relationship. Flower needs watering and so does friendship. At the time we finally understand it, 10 years were passed. Today, I went to a dinner meeting with high school buddies and a teacher. The last time we met was 10 years ago!!! The feeling is complicated. So many things to share - updating recent life, laughing at old jokes at school... yet, we are so short of time. Some happily married, one with diabetic kid, one broke up with a 10-year boyfriend, one got bone cancer, one becomes active in evironmental protection... To the bad, we bless and to the good, we thank. That's all we can do as a conclusion for the 10 years of aparting. Better off, to promise to meet again someday in the coming 10 years... Wyman的詞寫得很到! "無法再與你交心聯手，畢景難得有過最佳損友..; 為何舊知己在最後變不到老友... 被推著走 跟著生活流... 來年陌生的是昨日最親的某某... 不知你又有沒有，掛念這舊友，或者自己早就想通透..."

Sexual Struggles

Have been addicted to cyber sex the last week. So boring, lonely and feel like nothing can excite me more than sex. However, too dare to have real sex with just anyone. Cyber in this case is the best solution. After the first time I get into the chatroom, I fell in it. I go back whenever I have time and I would give up sleep for that. You never know what happen that night. Whether a good partner will show up or a lousy one. It is one fun part of the game. There is one very good one make my night. We chat all night long and tease each other and became so high. We both want it so much... we almost come out and do real. That was really great time although everything about ourselves might be fake. But then I realize that I don't want reality anymore. I isolate myself from friends. Just want to chat with someone know for a second rather than someone care for me for years. Many stuff get pending because I rather spend time on chatroom. And... now I really want sex more than anything. One thing very dangerous is that, I go further and further. Maybe I have no discipline at all. I go from chat online, to msn private chat, to msn voice chat, to phone chat. When one really aggressive chatmate ask me out, my heart actually wants to. O my, what if I really did that. Can't imagine how low and guilty I will feel. I am not the person who can accept myself like that. I've been going through all that before and it's not easy to turn around. God, please show me the light, lead me the way, help me to resist the temptation so I can live healthily again.

Down Down Down

Achievement level: O Frustration level: High Think I am going through a depression. Or maybe the grieving stages. They said it takes at least 6 months for overcoming pet loss. I have no idea how long for me. Plus I am trapped in the house. My world freezes for these months. Even worse for me. Unable to go to work, am being quite isolated and distanced from colleagues whether on purpose or not. Of coures for few incidents that colleagues really disppointed me. Making me feel like not going back anymore. So boring and depress and really need someone to hang out with. A also depressed friend also hang out with me these days is actually helping me out in shutting out people. Meanwhile, addicted to cigarette again and adult chatroom. Know it's not healthy both physically and mentally. Yet life is a mess recently and no positive input.

"Colorgenics" Test Result of 9thJuly,2006

Life for some time now has been somewhat depressing and you feel 'under the weather'. You are looking for a means by which you can escape from all the pressures of everyday life. But you must remember that the 'Past does not equal 'Tomorrow'. You are seeking a way to escape from all the trials and tribulations that oppress you at this time, but at least you haven't given up - if one pattern of behaviour doesn't seem to work then you'll change it for another. You need an atmosphere of peace and quiet and you would like to share a bond of understanding with the 'right person' - you have the belief that with the right person, your stress and anxiety could be minimised. You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you. From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!

Zidane, how could you...........

One Sweet Day - Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men

Sorry I never told you All I wanted to say And now it's too late to hold you 'Cause you've flown away So far away Never had I imagined Living without your smile Feeling and knowing you hear me It keeps me alive Alive And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven Like so many friends we've lost along the way And I know eventually we'll be together One sweet day Darling, I never showed you Assumed you'd always be there I took your presence for granted But I always cared And I miss the love we shared And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven Like so many friends we've lost along the way And I know eventually we'll be together One sweet day Although the sun will never shine the same I'll always look to a brighter day Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep You will always listen as I pray And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven Like so many friends we've lost along the way And I know eventually we'll be together One sweet day And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven Like so many friends we've lost along the way And I know eventually we'll be together One sweet day Sorry I never told you All I wanted to say

Pet or Partner?

Talked to my little sis in the States. So worry about her life there. But I'm glad to be able to support her with love and pray. I wish her healthy and happy ,and let God leads her way. When we talked about our dogs, we both think they are our partner not pet. I once again went through the incident in my mind. Aching, still! Don't know when it ends. Many asked if I will get a new one. The world without him is like a silent movie, a colorless dream, distill water. But I don't wanna bring a new one in my life yet. I don't know why. I played with my friend's cat the other day. Super cute! Have been seriously considering a cat of my own. Well maybe one day I will. But now, I just miss him too much.

Father, who God prepared for me

Daddy changes a lot these years. He pays a lot of attentions in his health. He reads, jogs, and talks more than ever. He reads a lot of self help books (well, although he enjoys more in buying and reads only half of each). He lives positively and really makes me proud of him. On my birthday, we had lunch together. We were talking about his retirement. It's the first time he told me he really worries about my financial status and health condition. He wants to see me happy, healthy and wealthy. Thanks God for giving me a father. Giving me a reason to live well, to take good care of myself and to live positively so he shouldn't need to worry about me. I may not be able to be a brilliant daughter. But I can be a happy and healthy one. At least I try my best to.

Papa, Je t'aime

Il etait 30ans. He is not my biological father. But I am glad to have him rather than anyone in the world. My mom said different from elder sister who is 11months elder than me, I call him DAD right the way the time we went to this new home. Since then, it started our father-daughter rapport tres special. I was 2! To me, he is a savior and Mr. know-it-all. And he never say NO to me. He saved me from hitting by mom. Solve all my problems with his money (he believes money can solve EVERYTHING). Although he is super busy, he care for spending time on me. Like doing homework for me, bringing me to school everyday, hearing my stupid thought and hanging out with me. He was the most capable man in the world to me. However, everybody gets old. Lately, I realize he concerns about his health so much. He gets tired easily. He talks more than ever. He indulges himself in shopping. He tells me that he loves me. I can sense him from aging and desire to live longer healthily. On my birthday this year, he was having lunch with me. We were discussing his retirement plan. He told me he is worrying about me. For my economic status, for my health, and for my future happiness. I was heart-broken. Because I am way too mature to let him worry about me that much. I have never think of living a better life for someone who loves and cares about me that much. I thought my life is mine and I am going to live it my way. In this Father's day, I especially treasure. I promise myself and to him, that I will live up so he doesn't need to worry about me anymore. And no matter what happened between us or whether or not he is my real dad, there is no one more special than him to me in my life!

This Birthday

It is a special birthday. For I can't walk around this year, I can go nowhere but stay home. I invited some really closed friends to my new home for gathering and house warming. We cooked, chated and went to the club house. All of us had great time. I was requested to say praise before dinner. In the pray, I gave thanks for what I see in the changing in their lives. I prayed for them for what I notice they need for now. Also, I thanked God for bringing them to me and loving me so much for all these years. I realized how grateful it is to have them all beside me on my big day. I know them for long time, but it is just a couple years that they became also my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have been praying for more Christian friends last year. Suprisingly, He turned my old friends into them. God is really amazaing and with sense of humor!

Le Concert de Jamie

Hurray! Jamie came to HK and I went to his concert. It was an enchanted evening! I knew Jamie from HMV. One day I was shopping at the Jazz section in HMV, the DJ was playing Jamie's "Twenty something". It was love at first sight. I searched for his album and bought it right the way. A young english guy playing excellent pop jazz, it's something. I like his voice, it's mature but rebel. I love his creative and passion in music. He totally shows his creativity in the concert. It's like nothing can frame him from presenting himself to the audience using every single piece of instrument on the stage. His rythum is excellent. It doesn't show any stress in his performance. It's like he doesn't prepare at all but he just doing it so well. He cried when he played a song about losing someone. My heart was broken for I could feel him. I guess he had found the right communication tool in moving himself and others. So envy that someone has such talent and he knows it and he has achievement from it.

Nice and Simple Birthday Party

Most of my birthdays filled with crowds, dinner parties, karaoke partie, etc. This year, can't go anywhere but refuse to be alone. There comes a party at my new home.

A couple of close friends came to my place. We chat, cook, and house warn. It was a nice and cozy party. They asked me to say grace. Ending up I pray for each of them. It's very touching. I know them for years and they have impact on me these years. Especially this year, we all go through special moments and support each other.

I thanks for friends who can share good and bad from life, tell each other our needs and pray for each other.

This is a simple but sweet birthday. They remind me that they never celebrated my birthday ever on the exact day. That really suprised me cos they are my best friends. I realize I never cherish my friends in the past. I tell myself, now as you know who are true friends and must learn to cherish from now on.

Scum of 2006

The divorced man ended up a scum. In the beginning, every thing is so smooth and sweet. Until I've been taking care of his dog and he's like completely self-centered. He would decide to come visit them whenever he was free. He would blame me for not letting him. He said he would do the clean up but then I just became the maid for him and his dogs. Also, everytime he came, I felt like he really just wanted to see his dogs but me. He showed totally no interest in me. No deep conversation, no photo album veiwing, nothing but requesting me to cook for him.

What a self centered jerk! It was so not a good sign. I just don't know why I keep crushing on him. Well, maybe I was still giving him tons of excuses for maybe he is shy, has unhappy past with girls bla bla bla. I still wanna give it a try!

The day my dog was leaving, he was with me all day. Well, he was so not handling it well. Not even pass. 1st it took him way too long to drive me to the clinic coz he got the wrong way. Then he kissed me on that night!! Come on I was so lost and so fragile. He took advantage and he is no longer a good guy for sure. Yeah he called and sent message to show caring. He volunteered to be a companion. Trying to kiss me again and further!

Anyway, the time he thought I am already trapped, I refuse to. I clarified our relationship with him and he couldn't do it. I quitted him right there and never answner his calls and messages anymore. He kept pursuing for 2 weeks then he threw at me some kind of blaming message and said won't bother me again. For that it hurts.

I thought that's over. But guess what, 2 weeks later, he asked for being friends by sms. Ha, making it totally like forgetting what he had said. One day, blaming me again for my cruelness. I gave him a chance to talk to me. Very disappointed! No progress at all. Absolutely no sincerity. Stupid me thought no harm for me to keep him. He tried to talk sweet but of course not what I buy. I refused to see him again, just plain chat online for another month.

Today it's my birthday. It's like 2 weeks that he didn't initiate a chat. As a woman, I smell his not interesting. I went on friendly chat with him and he's like putting off all the time. Hours ago, he asked me if I have been dating someone lately. I told him yes and he went mad. 1st he told me he has sour feeling. Then suddenly he revealled that there is a reason for not being agressive on me (of course not telling it). Then he thanks me for being nice to him and dogs and said will never forget me. Then blame himself for not 100% opening himself to me coz he's hiding something (again can't tell me what). Finally, he tried to say it and again of course not telling at last. Blame his bad temper and blame me for not picking him... bla bla bla. Finally, he's like 180 degree turned and told me he will date someone nice and pretty tomorrow. Seeing her photo that he forwarded to me, I can't stand anymore. Wished him good luck and say bye. I guess that's it!

This guy is totally nonsense, unfaithful to even himself. I don't know what happen to him but I for sure don't wanna get involved into it. Maybe he is crazy, bad temper as he said about himself, just don't want commitment but fooling around, or everything about him is a lie. I am sure it will not be a happy relationship to me. Eventhough I am curious and intend to help him out, I believe I don't want to sacrisfy myself to save him. Also, I have no such ability and enough patient and love.

"I really like you. I want to sleep with you. If it's 2years ago, I would have done it. With more wisdom about men, I won't put myself into such situation anymore today. So I guess that's it. It not worth for me to go on like this with you and I am not worth for you too coz you will not be able to get what you want from me. Let's go on our own way. Just don't hurt other good girls coz we are actually very fragile. "