Desire and greed, not always on money, most dangerously in love and relationship. A good friend of mine, 30+ married woman, all these years have been struggling in affairs. She's an attractive, a little naive woman, very sociable and mature. But whenever a man approaches her, she quickly turns back into a teenager. Ten years of marriage, she risks it for a married man. Dumb but understandable. The man ends up a coward player. Should I say fortunately or unfortunately?! My friend got so hurt that she started to learn playing chess for training herself more tactic on men. Funny huh! I try to analyse her affair. Is her husband not good enough? Does she have low self esteem? Or is that sucker that charming and skillful? Is her life too dull and need some icing? This is her life, her family, her husband that I have no opinion on. Just don't wanna see her losing the best stuff that she just doesn't figure it now. Desire, gets you what you want. Thankful heart, shows you what you have, and what you really need.

Stock stock stock! HK stock market is overheat. Hairdressers at salon, waiters at Cha Chan Ten, passengers at MTR crazy about discussing which stock to buy. Even property market getting active with the excessive profit from stock exchange. It's tempting not to invest while medias keep boosting the increasing stock prices. It's a test of one's greed and desire control. Fighting against own desire is the toughest thing in the world under such temptation.

Wow! Just when I got really stressed with my fussy mother, God sent her to Shanghai for 10 days. I've just been told by dad and I am sooooooo relieve! God is so lovely! Dad said mom asked me to keep an eye on the new maid. So I went to have super tonite. I try to talk to her while eating. She told me her working aboard raise the whole family back in her hometown. When I told her we understand it's hard for her, I saw her tears. Then I know I do the right thing in giving her some comfort and support at this very moment. Happy to know she got some new friends who brings her to church on Fridays. How lucky we live in hk with opportunities while someone else have to fly all the way to look for it.

The third person met in heaven, tells us to forgive our parents. Because all parents damage their children through neglect, violence and silence. Children are sensitive, helpless and innocent, unable to defense themselves. Of course parenthood is never easy. But even bible tells parents not to make children angry. Because angry becomes hatred. And hatred does not just disappear. It affects one's relationship with people, marriage and career, most importantly their next generation.

I hate my mother again. Yes again. I've been putting it down and thought I am over it. But recently, it got me again. She is a bitch to me. My concerns to her make her even more bitchy. None of my effort gain her satisfying. That makes me frustrate and getting tired of pleasing her. I love her and understand she is going through ear problem. I guess the love is not enough for her excessive blame to everyone especially those who love her. She must learn to treasure, to appreciate, and to express feeling in a normal way. But she just never have to learn it coz it happened to have people spoiling her in all these years. Sorry, not me! Not my strength. The bitchy her remind me of the neglect, violence and silence on me. I hate her I hate her I hate her. I hate it like I must please her. I hate to put my feeling always after hers. I hate her arrogant as if she had always been a good mother!?! c'mon, who is she kidding?! Hatred is eating me. God please help me from drowning in it.

Hide-and-heal: stylish or foolish?

About 60 percents of my life so far are at low spirit. I used to go back to my cave, seal the entrance until everything is fine. As a girl, I know it's kinda weird. I guess I just have no confidence in anyone. No one I can reply on. Seriously, I've been thinking the pros and cons of this method (I named it hide-and-heal). Is it the only way or the best way to go through recession in life?

The pros:
A. feel so cool
B. Show independent
C. increase own ability in crisis
D. keep an mystery image among friends
E. no responsibility to others
F. keep self off from any discussion/judgement and hence avoiding to get hurt

However, there are far more cons for hide-and-heal:
A. feel lonely/isolated/not loved or cared
B. one brain, limited solutions VS more brains, variety of solutions
C. talking itself can release stress
D. easier to get trapped in negative thoughts for being alone
E. satan loves us being like that (so easy to beat us)
F. eventually become someone self-centered, selfish, insensitive, and people who can't love
G. give up chances in establishing trusty with friends
H. take relatively longer time to reclaim
I. friends eventually won't offer to help because they feel rejected or they are misled that we actually prefer no support
J. experiment proofed shorter lifespan for loners
K. give up chances to grow in interacting with people (even getting hurt or being misunderstood can brush us up and make us a stronger person)

After those self-talking, I figured "stupidity" is the only word to describe the previous me. Well, God gives me 2 hands to reach out for help, a mouth to share my feelings, eyes to cry on friends, feet to get out of the cave. Dumb like me just shake my head and pushed everybody and my fortune away!

The last section of praying course yesterday, E and I got to talk to clergy afterward. Amazingly, the negative thoughts of this clergy, the course content and the church has gone. Despite missing 2 classes, unable to catch up with the reading, delay to hand in homework and memorize bible phrases, I was inspired and went through some self-growing progress. I may not be able to pass the course and go straight to the next level. But I kind of agree why Jesus suggested me to take this lesson.

Firstly, I was too cocky in front of God and people. I am stubborn and not letting anyone to judge me or advise me or lead me out of my comfort zone. Secondly, my faith is so not enough and I am so insecure even with his magnify power and great love on me. That I set lots of do and don't around me forgetting the truth (bible) should lead the way not me. I was so not open-minded when I am proud and advertise myself as one. I hate stereotype, judgemental, prejudice, fail to try, closed-minded. I just don't realize that I am one of them. I hate to live in a frame but I am actually framing myself.

I like and hate to explore myself. Like because I long for changes and growth. Hate because it's often painful, confused, stuck ed, and frustrated. I respect people who find fighting his own hardship challenging or even have fun from it. Me, I must admit that I am a coward. That I would avoid, escape, back off from any hard time. The more failure I experience, the more danger zone I got. Now I got nowhere else to go but trapping myself in the middle of the room. Where is the courage I used to have, I wonder. I envy the me who feel the world is all mine. That I was the center of the world. That the spotlight is always on me. And I don't give a damn to failure, judgement, age, prestige, wealth and status. And my future is so bright with unlimited possibilities and opportunities. That I have no regret for my life!

Last night I pray so hard for an answer of the waiting. As usual, no abstract reply from Him except "Trust me!" And then I went asleep. Today I got "As soon as you began to pray, an answer was given, which I have come to tell you, for you are highly esteemed. Therefore, consider the message and understand the vision" from Daniel 9:23. Where is the answer? Am I highly esteemed? Why haven't I feel it? Where is the message? Vision! What vision? I am not Daniel. I do not pray as he did, you know so humble and patiently and persistent. I am not good enough for an answer... ...

I just experience conversation with God. Just back from bible study at church. We read this and see what God replies in an instant to my doubts in new age impact on me. Colossians 2:2-11 My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ,in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments. For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him,rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. In him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ

New ager? am I?

Did a test yesterday in the pray seminar. I belong to the feeling type personality. That is, all my decision, action and thinking build on my feeling including touching and other physical contact. No wonder I can never reject men who sit close to me or start physical contact with me. In my pray, I always request God to hold me, to let me feel him, to hold my hand, etc. God is so kind that I sometimes get it. I am developed to this type and there's nothing wrong with it. But I admit I am demanding and not easy to be pleased because I am very insecure.Except feeling type, there are audio, video, self-talking type. End up my audio and video personality are quite even and score high enough. I am also a self-talking person (just 2 points less than feeling). I've been changing a lot these years. I get to know myself more and care about myself more. I develop my audio by gallery, museum and drawing. Develop my audio by listening to people and music. For self-talking, I do it since I was born because I have no one else. I am happy that my feeling does not freeze after isolation all these years.New age, I happen to have special interest in but I must pay real attention. Since I am such a curious person, every new thoughts get my attention. Crystal energy, environmental friendly, yoga, aromatherapy, meditation, dream sign, new age music, and hypnotherapy. I suddenly realize I am such a new ager. I used to believe in astrology and palm reading too. I must be very cautious for I know it now. When I learn to pray, I get very confused when clergy lead us into mediation and physic (well, at least I feel it this way) Of course I know deep down that it's for contacting God. But still I find it dangerous and weird. Really uncomfortable! I even skipped a week of class. Anyway, I figure I must be sure what is new age and what is wrong with it before I get stereotype.

Waiting for a job confirmation. Quite torturing indeed. Went swimming then felt so much better. I might be a fish :P

Love me, love me!

"Do you love me?" "Oh love me, love me!" A conversation I stalked from a fast food restaurant today while waiting for my delayed dinner box. A little girl about 5 wearing extra thick glasses asking her mother if she loves her. Mother was neglecting at first then annoyingly told her she does love her. The little girl then complaint about her brother who just fooled her by telling her mother does not love her. Mother was heartbroken and started to explain to her that she loves her and so does his brother.

Of course wicked brother had fun teasing sister and finding it a way to get some attention while parents are too focusing on the younger child in the family. Why would a little girl be that insecure in parents' love? This question came up to me during the whole waiting.

"Do you love me?" sounds so familiar in adults world. Everyday, women ask boyfriends or husbands whether they love them. Only that the exact wording turns into skillful gestures, body language, or linguistic hints. Because we are trained to ignore our needs, to be dishonest with our feelings, and to be as indirect as possible when we express them.

"love me love me!", the little girl whining at her mother. Even her father got shame on her when he noticed someone smiling at them. But he got me all wrong that I was actually enjoying this warm, sweet and private scene. Deep in my heart, I secretly bless this little girl, that she could forever has the gut and honesty and someone who is worth for asking out loud, to love her. Because when we grow up, we got too much proud and dignity to say that. We got too weak to be turned down. We build walls around us from people who may get too close and may hurt us. All these forbid us to admit deep down what we really want, we really need is to be loved.

Today I wanna shout to God, that I desire his love, unconditional love, the love that never let me down. And because of his love all over me, I have no choice but love him in return.

Coming up in my mind lately, seriously want to write a book. So much to tell from my past. So much feelings and message I want to share. Of course I won't expect the book to be big sell. I realize many write better than me. Many think deeper than me. But I am who I am. Looking for a theme inside. Shall I put my own story? or a novel is better? Shall it be a memoir? or a book of encouragement? Shall it be religious? or just follow the flow? My past starting to bother me because of this ambitious.

Peace from above

Jobless, failure, lonesome, boredom pulling me down bit by bit. I asked God when will it end. I asked him to give me a hand. I whine, I complain, I get angry and I frustrate. I got nothing else I can do grabbing like a drowning swimmer. It's another night of frustration, in bed I am too exhausted to pray. But I so needed God's reply and his being with me. Hopelessly, I raised my hand as if I were touching the sky. In a second, a peaceful feeling came up (or came down I don't really know). Then I found myself smiling and feeling of satisfaction inside. As if I had the world. He was there with me that night in bed. Speechless but with me bringing me peace and comfort.

Suddenly love classical, love opera, love legend singers. Because I am preparing for my grade 5 piano exam. Because Pavarotti left. Because of the movie "La vie en rose" - the story of Edith Piaf. Summing up, I guess I must learn from these for the hardworking, persistence in music. I've been always love music since ever. Even decided to study music after high school. Think I got some talent in music but unfortunately I am too lazy and proud to put any effort in anything. Thought business study can earn a fortune but eventually I was lost totally. Desperate childhood, I got only music to hide from the world. And only music touches my heart that wakes up my soul. By the time I couldn't worship, it was hymns that broke the wall. Music is a big gift from God and communication system from heaven.