Thoughts of Buddhism

Back from Shanghai, a city of charm. It's charm comes from crossover of traditions and modern. It's charm comes from fast developing, plenty of opportunities yet still remaining marks of its history. This is a trip to make mother happier plus it's my 5th visits. Instead of going to exciting places, we hopped in several temples. As a Christian, I see temple as architecture and history. We have many ancient temples some over a thousand years.

In old time, Government used Buddhism to control people for its reclusive teaching. Today, most Chinese are accustomed to this so-called traditional religion. For not much effort to put in and plenty of choice in god worshipping (god of health, god of wealth, god of fertility etc.), many claim themselves to be Buddhists without actually know what Buddhism is.

I have chance to meet monks of temples and to have vegetarian meals and tea with them (I love to be vegetarian too if I can make that dishes). I found that they are less religious than I thought. Running a temple first you need the support of government. To be the monk leader, good relationship with government is a must. Totally political. Monk and other positions at temples are perceived as good and stable career in Shanghai comparing to general living standard and they do possess prerogative. It's not surprise to find some of their intentions are not as pure as being "called" serving at these religious places.

I declare that I really respect monk and Buddhism. I especially love the construction of temples myself. Just that when I see people not really using their freedom of choice (a big gift from God), I feel sad for them. Religion is never a luxury product. It's the purpose of living. It's the origin of life. It's motivation of a fruitful, influential life. It is definitely worth for serious study and evaluate before committing into it. Use your heart to feel, pray for the spiritual insight, seek the real one! Don't settle for the second best!

A Depress Mother

Mother is going through bad mood again. She is difficult to be with. Picky and fussy on everything. Negative thoughts in every sentense. Making me feel tired and patient-consuming. God is telling me that I myself am a terrible person too. But God loves me and people love me. Now I have to learn to love her no matter how hard it is. She needs my caring and companionship. She is insecure. And I think she is mildly depress. I wish God gears me up with love energy. And give me wisdom to really help her to help herself rather than letting her rely on me totally. And I wish God opens her eyes and heart for his direct love. Amen

Where is my gut?

Am I escaping again? So I decided to work in non-profit. What am I expecting from there. Less money for sure but better self recognition?! Not really sure. Or am I actually escaping from the demanding and stressful commercial world? Deep down, I find less pressure from a non-profit because they pay me less. How about I am not confident to get a brilliant job out there. I find myself not competitive enough. I am not willing to lose. I am a coward?! If this is the fact, I look down myself for packaging it in such an elegant way! God, I am confuse.

Talk it out

My buddy told me I am in crisis. The stress of job hunting, the urge in marriage, uncertain self identification, and tendency of isolation in difficult time. Putting me in crisis whenever I felt insecure. Despite the unlimited love from the above, I feel not stable. So, I need companionship to share my weakness and get advice from someone who really listen and know me well and the most important of all, someone I trust. Glad to have buddy to talk this out.

Vanishing feelings

"Happy Birthday" a sad movie. Somehow I hate it for digging out my sensitive love nerves. A story of a 10-year-love relationship. The love so deep yet delicate. A relationship so close yet so far. Faith just enough to linger, not enough to step forward. For years... is it just stubborn or is it love for life? Can't tell until the two meets. The eye contacts, the happiness on the faces, the attractiveness between the two, suddenly only the two of them in the universe. No one else can fit in it anymore. Yes, it is love.

Dear, how are you lately? How's your family? Still working crazy? Any love life? May17 I always remember. When doggie left last year, I felt I must tell you. When you called me the other day, I collapsed. No one else I can cry on like I can to you. Just a few words you pronounced on the phone, I was not able to hold back anymore. Just feel so natural to release my feeling over you. As if I was so sure that you understand and you feel my pain. No matter what happened in between. How long we lost contact. Inside, I somehow still feel I have you. But I wish you love. I wish you the best. No matter I can enjoy with you or not at the end. It's just the movie bring out this feeling and I must tell you here...

Job Hunting

I started to find a job. I decided it's more suitable for me to serve in npo. Only in that environment, I can walk on his way with him closely. And that is what I treasure mostly now. But I don't have much experience in npo, I have fewer opportunity. Finding a job easily drags down one's dignity and self-confidence. Probably because you have to put yourself out there for them to choose, to judge, and to agree on. Your ability, your education, your personality, your every achievement in your life, all depend on their evaluation. I feel insecure and uncomfortable if I don't get any interview, or no offer after an interview. But I know he leads me to the right place eventually.

Forgiven or not?

In the old testament, people kill an animal and give it to God and he will be forgiven with his sin. In fact, that gesture represents a few things.
1. knowledge of sin so one has the ability to know when he commits one
2. fear of God; care of the relationship with God
3. guilty - that requires humble, putting down oneself, let God lead the life, has holy spirit inside
4. Confession openly - to the spiritual mature persons such as priest, confess to the public when the time came
How come I don't feel fully forgiven? Am I punishing myself? I don't have enough faith? Or is it because I can't confess openly? Am I not able move forward for that? Leviticus4-5

Burden of love

Mother is still angry with dad for not going to Japan with her. Of course I found her ridiculous as most of the times. But knowing her getting herself panic phobia, I don't want to see that. She is a very insecure and stubborn person and very immature. Very pride, controlling and annoying. However, after all all she needs is love. I just hope I have more love for her. So I spent more time with her recently. Bring her to ocean park, invite her to my place for the sauna and will accompany her to shanghai next week. I do feel extra burden with her on my shoulder sometimes. But I must admit I feel more comfy with her sometimes when she loves me back and has more flexibility. I am very poor in patient recently and she reminds me of the anxiety feeling. I really need God's support for all these.

Break Down

The more I intend to get another dog in my life, the more I miss him. The missing is more concrete than ever. His little face expression, his barking, his smell, his cuddling with me. I really miss him. The more I miss him, the more guilty I get. That night, my emotion dropped to the bottom. I question myself if I can love again, if I can live on, if I can ever really move on. I question if I am worth for being love by God and people around me. I weep and feel so guilty inside and I cry for help from him. He then ensures me he loves me. It is true. Thinking back this year, he loves me so much more than ever. Then I have courage to hang on. I know my heart will be stronger and already is. Maybe I am sick, but as long as God doesn't leave me alone, I have the power to live the fruitful life that blesses others.

Adversity

When David prayed to God under attack, he was still in confidence that God listened and will protected him. He still believed God was on his side. David has very close relationship with God. God once said David is who he fonded of. But David did not do everything right. And he did go through adversity. The point is - he could still rely on Him and he alone. That is what impressed God I believe. Adversity is inevitable in life. Many time we suspect it comes from above. Most of us cut out God in adversity do not realize that is the most necessary moments to rely on him. We are very weak in all relationship. Sharing the good times is easy but supporting each other in the downhill is almost impossible. We are very limited but we forget God is unlimited. I only wish no bad moment for me when I am not strong enough in faith. Palms6

A letter to God

Dear Lord,I thank you! You forgive me even before I confess my mistakes. You love me before I love you. You use me before I am well equipped for your work. Your love is so big that heal my damage soul and body. I thank you for everything. Today I was told by doctor that the HB disease in my body does not show in my blood test. After 3 years of medication, 50% of patients get used to it and need further treatment. And that is what I was told for all this time that one day, I will have to take a stronger and more expensive medicine to control the disease. How suprise I am to know that I can not only take the current medicine, but also the med is more effective than ever. Doctor suspects I take other supplement to have this result. Only you and I know, it's you. I refuse to take anything else other than the med doctor prescibes ever since I get this disease. But I have recently pray for healing my body. You hear that right! So you remind me of your almighty! Thank you thank you. I know there is long way to go. But I have faith. I know you are preparing me the best in my life. Thank you for loving me so much.

The Real Wisdom

There were times that my heart was stubborn and my eyes were blur. Everything from me is bitterness and hate and the regret of past. I told myself that I enjoy to be a loner but from the bottom of my heart I know it's not true. Just that I was stuck in my stupid pride, defensive, fear, and self pity. I was so silly to think I was smarter than everyone else. I guess only when our heart is moved by God, we then regain our real wisdom. The wisdom from the above, enable us to see ourselves, to confess our weakness, to get out from the bitterness, to see people and self in a total different way. It's the wisdom God gives just like he gave the Israels when they actually heard God's order. They began to freely use their skill, talent, and wisdom in serving him. I wish everyone I know get this real wisdom. For myself, I will not let it go again. Exodus35

Who do we think we are?

I was with a former colleague overnight. We chatted about our spiritual life as well as our struggle in reality. She always bring in new insight to me. And it seems that she appreciated insight from me too. I guess it is an example of communication between sister in Christ. On the other hand, I was phone chatting with someone else, she started to judge the leader in the cell. I am surprised how much I hate about people judging each other (especially the people you care). Paying too much attention on others, what they did and what they said about themselves or even about us, it does no good to us. If life is already so short and we have too much to live, why would we spend time on criticizing whether they are right or wrong. It seems so silly to me. Yes, maybe I am self-centered. But at least I am focus and peace. And I believe for the thing I need to know, God will let me hear that. I remind myself all the time, not to gossip and judge others especially to someone with good intention. It's not our position to do that. And for God sake, what do we know about right and wrong? Who do we think we are?

2007 List

2007 A year of love and exercise!

1. more church

2. love more

3. regular exercise

4. work! no matter what

5. bible! no matter what

Do we really fear of God?

"This is the one I esteem:he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." Isaiah 66:2 To tremble at his word, it represents our fear of him, really know him, take him seriously, really know the consequence of sin, respect him, put self down. Then we can really worship. What happen to us today? We think we know too much. We find ourselves in capable of anything. We overwrite his authority. We know he is God but deep down we rule. Yes we are just like the Israel with stiff-neck. When we see the light on the face of Moses, we fear for a while. He asked Israels to give their first child, first male cattle, first sheep, first-fruit to him. To train their faith, ensure he is the provider, learn to give thanks, keep in mind that he should be the first in their mind and heart. Why is humble that hard for us in front of God? Not able to trust God giving us the best? Inside, we are eager to rule our own life? We don't see thing ever happen to people who don't humble? There are plenty of time to fix it after? He is with great mercy and he will forgive? We are just too weak to fight the evil? aiya, it's never easy but worth for trying harder. Exodus 34

A response to my pray

One fine day! Doctor said my knee is totally healed but scolded me for lack of exercise. I have been lazy and pathetic and it's time to gear up and move. I know and he is so right. This year, I will do exercise three times a week. In the blood testing clinic, I was given a lecture in hepB (again!) It's like reminding me again to be optimistic and do my own part in keeping in a good shape. Years of being emotional in it, it's time to get out of the mist, free myself in health condition and have confidence in living the best of myself. Collecting clothes from tailor, I asked her if she remembered making doggies shirt for me once. She did and asked how's my dog. I told her he is gone. I can tell people about that now. When she greets me happy new year, there is warm in my heart. For the people who care about me, who have hope on me, who respect me, who look up to me, who love me, and it's been almost a year now. No matter how regret I am, how much I miss him, I must forget and forgive myself. Be a happy and free soul again! From now on! Daddy suddenly asks me on the dinner table. That if Jesus will come the second time. I know he heard my pray. I seize this opportunity and tell him what happen to us when Jesus come again. Tell him not to worship fake god. Tell him he is blessed because I am that he should have peace without the fungshui setting or other god. Holyspirit leads me to tell him that we all die and go somewhere. He believe in no life after death and that give him excuse in not seriously worry about after life. It comes up to my mind and I tells him about the book "the nine minutes of death". Without any plan, we walks to a Christian shop just a few steps from our restaurant. Dad finds the book himself! I know he listened to my pray and is working on him. I know one day he has mercy on him and will save his soul for me.

God hates that when we worship other thing

Very Scary! This is a chapter describing how God punish the one who sin. Especially the biggest sin - making self an idol to worship at! These are who God loves dearly. He has plan on them. He is going to give them the best. Just for a while, they couldn't wait and sin. But it's cruel to me for what Moses did. Asking them to kill their own brothers and friends for their sin. Now I know how precious it is for Jesus to come. Otherwise, we all die many times. How come the Jewish not believing in Jesus as saviour? They have miss out a lot. Why God find worship other God so big sin? Even killing, he can stand. Because he is the only one for real. He gave us life and create this world for us. He deeply loves us since. All he asks for is our faithful to him. Our rely on him only and our love back to him. Inside, I may still not agree but I give my faith. Exodus 32