Don't underestimate the result in sin

For all the details God teaches Israel how to worship him, memorize him, it is to see God is very care about the relationship with us. He knows us, that we easily forget. Especially in his merit and grace. We forget how great he is, how much he has done for us, how powerful he is, how much he loves us. When we don't remember always, we fall. Fall in the dark side of life. We can't win over together with him.

Secondly, it's to remind us that he is straight. We must be clean in front of him. Must! Not an optional. That's what he ask of us otherwise we are unable to get closed to him. Admit it, alert to it, avoid it, support each other to try best not to do it. Again not optional, must! Because he is purity.

Third, he is serious and so he wants us to be so too. Be serious with his command. It's not he punishes us for our sin. When we give a way to sin, we reject God to walk closely with us. Big mistake! Nothing better than have him walk closely day by day. Do not let anything to distance you from him. He will be sad and we will be missing out a lot in life - or losing our eternal life... Exodus25-29

After a prayer meeting, I have this nice long chat with sister. About career, love and sex. Never thought of talking sex with sister. I guess it's just love opens our heart and now we can just talk about anything. I reveal my weakness to her. It was kind of relief in a way. Especially she cares about me. She takes my weakness serious. I guess love can heal everything. God's love heal our sisterhood. Her love opens my heart to share with her on everything. Love is not sex or vice versa. I never know love. But I feel like knowing it better and better. One thing I realize from the chat, I am lusty and I am childish in relationship. Doing no good to my future marriage if I ever want one. Yes, I must get more equipped for my Mr. Right!

Grow up, mother!

To many people, "mother" equals to love. But to me, this word means selfish, emotional, wicked, pride, judgemental, reject, insane (sometimes), out of control, pathetic, living in the past, mentally weak, control freak, hateress. Yet, I can't explain why, there is still love for her. Only a little gesture from her representing a little nicer, my heart get softer. Even though I am pretty sure that she hurts me again, I want to give her chance. (maybe I have no choice in a mother!)

The reason talking about her again, is that she'd been a bitch again. Not to me, but to sister and my friend. Take the religious conversation personal after a church meeting and attack sister with mean phrases at a restaurant. She claims she is victim (well of course she always be) and she get really disappointed with sister and Christianity. Never want to meet sister in a short while and will surely not going to holy land with her in July after this incident. What can I say! This is so her. Like child fight.

The real cause is she is not happy with me and dad not bringing her to Japan. And she expected when she paid for the dinner, everyone should listen and agree to her preach, especially in front of her friends. I only hope her growing up one day.

Luxury Trip

I am back from tremendous Hokkaido trip. It was awesome. It's my first time and I am already looking forward to next visit in summer. Well, first going with dad is great. He always agree on what I suggest to go and eat. He always pay. The most important of all, he is happy to have a trip like this. The only thing is I gotta drive for a whole week. 2-3 hours per day in average. I love driving but the icy road is just not an good experience. Especially I don't want to put my dad's life in risk before assuring of where he goes after. We had lots of hot springs and nice food. The crab, the kobe beef, the fresh sashimi as well as sushi. They are just fantastic. The spa parts are also thrilling as we at our first time getting in a outdoor natural hot spring when it's snowing. I can find no word to describe my feeling. I just can't. Not to mention the friendly yet zero English Japanese people. They are so nice and helpful. Every services are unquestionable. Clean and considerable everywhere. We were just overwhelming. Other than spa and food, we go to a farm experiencing butter making, milk squeezing from a real cow and being a steel-grill cook. Also, we make our own glass mug and vase at a glass-making shop in Otaru. Plenty of luxury indulgent in this trip. Of course I do not miss out the shopping part. Dad already booked me for going again in summer time. I am glad we both enjoy the trip so much.

Pre-trip

Will go to a long trip tomorrow. Today, spend some time with mother. Take her to spa at a bargain price. When she is easier to be pleased and satisfied, I kind of like to be with her. It feels close, safe, comfy and girly. Glad she is still healthy enough to go here and there with me. Glad I can afford to bring her try new stuff like that.

We dine after spa. Our topic again goes to family. Eldest uncle needs heart surgery soon. Mother enjoys being needed. So she heard about this bad news and feels like doing something. Just that there are still too much bittering that I don't like. I told her, we should all be generous to love and care the needy. Especially to our family. Letting our pride to forbid our good intention is stupid. I hope she really understand.

I think God is working on her now. She agrees to go with sister to a gospel meeting. And they will go for a holyland trip in July. I think we are getting close.

I know dad is as exciting as me for the trip. I must ensure we have good time. Because dad is old and not much chance to have such long trip with him. I want him to be happy and have good memory. Also, I must tell him the gospel in full in this trip no matter he is ready or not, accept or not. I pray for courage and wisdom. And safty trip!

Instructions

Usually I either scan or skip the paragraphs with instructions. I hate details. I hate command. Hate to be forced to follow step by step and no mistake can be made. I enjoy flexibility and allow creativity. I know how important it is to set up rules for later use, instruction must be clear for everyone after to know how to worship him. But to me, it means nothing because today we do not worship like that. I guess one thing I learnt is God minds how we worship. Not just any way we like to but the way he prefers. Also, he like our total obedience that reflects our absolute faith in him. And that's what he likes. In other angle, shall we human know what to do if he didn't tell us how? Shall we do things right or we just fall into satan's trap over and over again? In the Genesis, God's instructions are very limited. Just not to eat the fruit of the life tree. Free as a bird in the garden. Instructions are good or bad? Do we really have our own thought? Are we capable of making such judgement without his rule? What is freedom? Do we know how to handle it? Exodus20+

Car crash

I want to get ready for a new start. A new pet in my life. So I see a pair of chihuahua in a petshop. All their expressions are exactly same as mine. Very cute and heartbreaking. I need more advice and time to think. I left the shop and release all my feeling at a karaoke box for hours. Before I got too exhausted, I drove myself home. I was almost there. On the last intersections, I bumped into the car in front of me. The crash woke me up from my deep thoughts of Jason. I got off and tried my best to apologized. Luckily the guy was nice enough to let me go. Must not drive for a while until I got a peaceful mind again.

Younger boyfriend?

Project done. At least I put in graphes and added in more recommandations. Kind of relief anyway. But not crazily happy!

My body is so sore. Must save energy for the Hokkaido trip next week. So I rent a korean sitcom. It is a story about how a 30 fat girl find love. Must admit it reminds me of many love stuff.

Women over 30 still looking for love. Not a good position. Usually they got some hurting experience in relationship no matter she recovers or not. Usaually the personality is not as easy as those in early 20s. Usaually they are financially independant and have certain amount of pride and self protection tendency. Some don't believe in love or marriage anymore. Some even hate men from the hurting experience. Most secretly still long for love but not able to admit it.

What other think about these 30s ladies? Some men think can take their advantage. Take them for granted because they are for sale?! Some married people envy their lives with no attachement or in other words no responsibility. Other married couples find them immature or afraid to grow up. Younger females either see them as losers or remind themselves to not be in the same situation. 30+ men prefer innocent younger choice to enhance their macho self image. In this no way out situation, younger men seem a last solution for we 30's ladies.

The problem is... how would the younger guys fall for a 30+ woman? Well, there is a few reasons. 1. no matter how mature a 30+ woman is in daily life, she is still naive when looking for love. 2. men find these women more comfortable to be with because they are more considerating. 3. men are kids and they actually looking for mother image woman. 4. Woman tends to accept more faults from man just because of his age is younger.

If they really don't mind, it will be a solution. Or if ther is LOVE cover their eyes, it will do too.

Planning a trip

Preparing intinerary to Hokkaido. A trip with dad. A first one since I am grow up. Maybe the last one...maybe... I hope not. Really want to be a nice trip. Making him happy. He is old but healthy. Thanks God. He changed a lot. I wish him happy and healthy. I really want to make sure he go to heaven. I will drive him around and plan everything in the trip. I hope I handle well and I don't get too tired for that.

Stand up with my own feet

It's almost done my dissertation but I have no feeling of achievement. How much you pay, how much you get! No exception. I am quite empty these few days. Movies and sitcom marathon. Because of emptiness inside, I sink in movies and sitcom from time to time. I rather stay in a fake world then the real life I guess. I know it's wasting time and won't do me any good. But I still let myself cos at least I am pleased during those hours. Pathetic! The real life is too painful. Went for one of the movie at french cinepanorama yesterday with cousin. She filled me up with bad news from family. Despite her mental problem, she is brave and mature in handling it. To be honest, I feel ashame. I have no idea why I have no motivation in anything. Is it simply because I am lazy? Or am I actually sick mentally? Even therapy won't change anything. Just for a short while, and then I fail again. Tiny little thing can pull me down and never be able to get up again. I hate myself to be like that. But I can do nothing. Times pass by and nothing change. I desire change and so afraid that I will be like that until I die. When can you stand up with your own feet?

Thy shall not ....

To me, God is my close friend, my father, my lover. He provides, love me, comfort me, teach me and accompany me so I won't be lonely. I hate authorities so I won't see him as Lord or king. I am happy he is the creator but I don't like to be commanded. I do whatever I want to.

In chapter 19 and 20, God ensured his role of Lord and his absolute requests from us. Either die or live, no borderline. He intentionally wanted the Israel to be afraid of him. So, they are less likely to do the wrong thing.

Because I never afraid of God, I do whatever I want to. I made tons of mistake, hurting myself. I never control myself from it. It's like swimming freely in a dirty pond. I thought it's freedom but as a matter of fact, I live in the dark.

The ten commandments God gave Israel and all of us, I have committed all. Only he knows and I know. When there is sin, you can't sleep well. Dreams keep coming up and shoulder keeps being tense after hours of sleep. No one can escape from self and God no matter how well he cheated the world.

When he says "Thy shall not..." just do it! For there is no better way for a peaceful life.

Exodus19/20