We Hongkongnese has no charistma. Probably because we've been suffering from continuous cultural attacked for too long. We are very lost. For we are so lost and helpless, we bet our life on money, what we are told that can help us in attaining better life, one day. For money, we forget how much we've given up. Our root, our historical monuments, our old friends and neighbours and our dreams. I love everything about the old Hong Kong. Maybe because I am getting old. And maybe because of my awaken soul. - after watching McDull movie

Tonight should be the last nite for uncle's wife. I brought soup and dinner box to the hopsital. When I hear cousin wanted her younger brother to be tough and not to do silly thing, I really admired her. The parents in our family are all dictators. Relationship is never good with different reasons. A lot of hidden problems waiting to explose. Like my cousin moved out because of uncle's unreasonable and controlling attitude to them. I totally understand because my mom was the same. I am too late to take part in it. To show care. Everyone has ten years. Their 10 years having a mother with cancer and a dad with terrible temper. Mine wandering around, winning about not good enough situation. Have I ever lived in this 10 years? I just never think of others not even my closed family. I was so self-centered, selfish and cruel. I never realize their perception of me is true..... I want to do more from now on. God please bless our family. Bless everyone. Teach us love on another more and more. Make me a peace maker. Give me the gut to shout out your love!

When I see cousin K so lost and cried, it breaks my heart. Doctor said her mother situation is not optimistic. The strongest medication is being applied but the situation only getting worst. The eyes of uncle are empty when he explained to us. Life is fragile. We are tiny and helpless. We put our hands on her and pray in front of cousin w. Sis said she says "thank you" for we don't know what. With little faith, I hope God has mercy on her bring her to heaven. I call mom last nite and feel comfort inside a bit. I guess I am grateful that my mom and dad still healthy and independent and can do what they like to, go where they want to. I thank God for keeping them healthy. I pray for their eternal life.

Breast Cancer II

My heart is full of joy and thanks. For He not only listen to my prays, but not listen to my blames, sent me friends, church friends, little sis v, to support, care and pray for me, and provide a good doctor. After all, the big "fibroid" was only some FAT! And the tiny one is not a matter. We'll just do regular check of the size. So... when I am so worry about painful procedure, God said no procedure is required!
I learnt many from this experience.
1. Share not only joy but worries to others. Let them support and be a part in it.
2. Pray seule, in group, pray for others
3. Faith! I tried so hard to find doctor and information and source from friends. What I got is increasing anxiety. No faith, I sink. With faith, I could go through as easy as flying in the cloud.
4. Anytime care for the others, not self! When I become more self-focus, I started to postpone caring for others and think it's normal and reasonable. But Holy spirit made me feel the urge of my friend L. I must invite L and Y for a pray meeting asap. Never thought of that pray meeting is actually for myself. And for friendship. And for building their faith too. Haleluja!
5. With less faith, we pray for little. God shows me he can do much more than that! Silly me! I was afraid to ask for more.

Thirst

I thirst for you Jesus, I thirst for you Thirst for your presence Thirst for your calling for your forgiveness and for your mercies Lord, I thirst for you

Breast Cancer?!

Left breast feeling a bit of pain lately. So go for check this week. Bomb, there is something inside. A fibroid? Cancer? Dunno yet! Enough to drag me down. I pray while dr is checking. Miriclely, I got peace inside. "Kid, nothing to worry, you are mine!" He said. Report will take a couple days. Then will consult dr for next action with the report. Life is a rollercoaster! I guess the down feeling doesn't come from the breast problem but no one to share and care. Well, the only one I had told by now is dad, who gave no comment as if it was just a bite by mosquito. The incapable of sharing my situation hurt me a bit. Today, I shared with one of my best friend J. She will pray for me and I felt better. But the most comfort I got from unexpectly - my little sis in the states. While we were sharing Christian's life and struggles and faith and thankful experience, just like that, I found myself feeling better and better. We shout haleluja almost at the same time. How can I not see God so love me and my whole family. And that he announces in our conversation that, He will not abandon me, ever!

Angry Selling

I am very angry. Today, supposed to be completion of selling my flat. Everything is ready, except the buyer not happy with the lighting. First I was really annoying for being asked to fix the light for them. Was trying to avoid responsiblity and trouble during this big holiday that everything closed. When I knew money might be taken from my deposit, I understand I had to fix it anyway. I really don't want to pay a even a penny on the house which is going to be others. So this morning, my very first time, I check the procesure on the internet and I fixed it myself and I actually did it! HA! To tell the truth, I start to understand the buyers' mind when I went up there and found several light not be able to get on. No one will settle that easy for that for a 2 million HK dollars good. Okay! So how come I still get angry the whole evening. The solitcitor is on their side keeping up my deposit until they checked the lighting is all fine. It's not about how much it is. It's about fairness. The lighting is all good now, just they don't have time to check. Why should my deposit be hold?! The solicitor said it's legal for them to return the deposit within 21 days. And one thing she said really upset me. She said even they charged me for a thousand dollars to fix the lighting is fair enough. Come on! Nothing is wrong with the lighting. How would lighting cost 1000 dollars anyway? I hate the feeling of waiting for mercy. They should return deposit as the house has no problem. It's fine now. Why would I have to wait and worry that they charge me for stupid reason? It's just not fair! and supposed to represent ME, the solicitor stands by their side???! I am so regret to leave them a HK10000 closet. If for the preious me, I would throw away, break it, etc anything but to leave it to them. What will Jesus do in the circumstances? How can the angry go away?

2008

I envy people. Those who embrace life, live with dream, not giving up, brave for challenge. I envy them. Myself, I've been wasting my life. How come I never have the feeling of living is so good. How come there is nothing in the world that make me feel I want to live for it. Is life itself really that charming? If so, how come I never feel it that way. I just don't enjoy my life very much. I have almost everything materialwise. And now I have also friends and family who love me dearly. How come that just don't make me embrace life. I am the most lost person in the whole world. For so long, I still don't know what I need. I have no dream, no motivation, no talent, no desire... I hate to waste my life but I can do nothing. I try to do it better but I am too weak. How could everyone hang on and I slip off every time. I really don't get it and totally lost, frustrated and helpless. This is a new year again. I really want to change my life up side down. This year, I want to make more valuable friends, love more people, learn more and act more like bible, hang on in a regular job and one volunteer work. I want to bring happy to other more, be more patient and tender as Jesus.

Dear Lord, I am also your lovely daughter. I love you, want to know more about you and I am ready to serve you. Also, I am lonely most of the time. Please do not forget me and be sure to bring in my husband soon. I am sure with his spiritual support and companionship, I will grow up faster and stronger. I wish to walk with him hand in hand in your way. Thanks in advance. with love

Marriage is a double face jerk

The singles, crazy for marriage. They would give up everything for jump into marriage as soon as possible. Paying a fortune for mating service, losing dignity to please the partner, women living in a torturing life to keep in shape so as to attract men. In other hand, married couples, so regret for their decision. Losing freedom, tired of compromising, unhealthy problem kids ruinning everyone's lives.

Frankly, I don't have courage get involve in relationship. The marriage of my parents. No love at all. All about money, selfish and negotiation. No pity at all to a 70+ husband. Never once control her temper to at least give one day break to him. All he asks for is peace and calm and he's giving everything for it. Even that, she takes everything for granted and torture everyone around her. No repent! It's a terrible marriage example I grow up from. Will I be able to have a fortune marraige my own?

I feel bad to see dad suffering like this but I can do nothing. I blame myself and hopeless. God, please do not let her hurt anyone again. Show her how it feel for what she did to others. Please save them all!

Before sunrise and After sunset, films that break your heart. A condensed relationship of 2 different days, does it make no different from regular relationship? Does it accelerate the feeling? Will it become life time? A relationship with more truth and less lies? More happiness less blaming? Does time really matter to love? Passion is not love? Are we all so willing to cheat ourselves for love? Is the love real on a roadtrip? Why is my heart so freeze when I watched the morning scene, same old places last nite but empty now. Isn't that the feeling of a face or body you got so familiar with for years but now just an empty soul to you? It's too cruel for me to stand it or even think a second about it!

Families are people who won't hate you forever.
Friends are those know you but still love you.
Wealth is not the goal of life, it's the entrance of a real life.
Love is level of willingness to sacrifice.
Sadness is a state of mind.
Travel is a good excuse of escaping.
Movie is the desire of not being oneself.
Children are adults with no fear and regret.
Fashions is a game playing by a group of cynical people.
Autumn is best friend of loneliness.
One's death is the beginning of other's life.

No movtive to go out. Yesterday force myself to bible study. Almost burst out when singing praise with I don't know what reason. Am I just lonely? Am I feeling sorry about myself? Am I suffering from my own sin? Or do I get too frustrated in searching? My mood graph is exactly same as the stock market today. Deep drop to the bottom and hanging there for few days already. Really need to cheer myself up and get back to shape.

Since the war I survive from, still in recovery period. Scary memory hit me frequently. Must accept it. No more stupid thoughts. Loneliness is swallowing me. No more meaningless "if". I refuse to sink into the dark deep ocean. It's a day of art. Museum and piano lesson ease a bit. It'll be over very soon. By then I will love as a normal girl again. I will!

Went to a wedding. Faced people I've been hiding from for years. I bought 2 dresses got really panic when the time get close. A million times thinking of not going. But the groom is one of my very best. He really wanted me to celebrate with him. Ending up, no big deal. I am mature enough, strong enough to handle. I even can chit chat with Mr computer. Nice! I got no bad feeling against him anymore. Really! But the news Mr C got married and a son really knock me off. I so wanted to believe that his love is only for me lifetime. That we are meant to end up with each other. That he is incapable to love anyone else. Thinking of him caring his wife break my heart. The next day, the hangover (non-alchool) got me really bad. That I skip church and ask my sis for sos pray. I cry for my sin hurting other all these years. I realize I am the one hurting other not that I used to think I am the victim. I was relief after praying. That night, I pray for everyone I met at the banquet. especially the one I once loved. sincerely I wish them all the best from God. Now only thing left in my heart, is that I am alone. That I really wish God has already prepare for me. And I am ready for him. and I am capable of loving him not hurthing him, torturing him. God please help me and lead me the way. Thanks God for sis to pray with and for me. Thanks for forgiven my sin. Thanks for the relief. Thanks for friend's support. thanks for love from family. thanks for hope and faith. thanks.

A sermon from the church of my cousin, inspired me to write a book of a collection of testimony of different ordinary christians. It'll be brief and with about 30-40 testimonies. Nothing dramatic but stuff from daily life experiensing our lovely God. my thought for now.

When we came to a proper ages, wedding is heading to you few times a year. Well I must admit wedding susks! Because like a merry-go-round, just never once my turn. Wed of new friends are still standable like the one I just got back from. A wed of my church friends, few years younger than me, just got happily ever after. Still some confuse feeling deep down. Can't even tell what it is. An even worse one, coming this month, an old u buddy (quite close friend of mine) asked me to be the bridemaid of his bride. His first girlfriend who he met after his 30 become his wife now. How amazing it that. That he got walk on the carpet before me. But that's not the reason I escape from his wed, it's the guest list. Pretty scary to me that 3 of my ex will probably be there. I guess the bravest girl got chicken in this situation. Especially still in her single and mingle stage. God help me out!

Regular liver check-up today. Same old comment from doctor. Nothing better nothing worse. Bouffff... I actually keep hoping to stop medication. But Doctor Cheung seems to find my idea not feasible. Unless I plan to pregnant, otherwise it's not wise to take the risk. In other word, pregnant becomes risky to me. Hearing that, I feel my frozen heart. Of course I got no plan for now on pregnancy. But I do look forward to a family of my own with kids in the picture. On the way home in the cap, I look above, inside screaming, I beg God for giving me a chance to practise love in my own family. To give me another chance to love again. To give me a chance to learn motherhood and experience the unconditional love as a mother ...

Desire and greed, not always on money, most dangerously in love and relationship. A good friend of mine, 30+ married woman, all these years have been struggling in affairs. She's an attractive, a little naive woman, very sociable and mature. But whenever a man approaches her, she quickly turns back into a teenager. Ten years of marriage, she risks it for a married man. Dumb but understandable. The man ends up a coward player. Should I say fortunately or unfortunately?! My friend got so hurt that she started to learn playing chess for training herself more tactic on men. Funny huh! I try to analyse her affair. Is her husband not good enough? Does she have low self esteem? Or is that sucker that charming and skillful? Is her life too dull and need some icing? This is her life, her family, her husband that I have no opinion on. Just don't wanna see her losing the best stuff that she just doesn't figure it now. Desire, gets you what you want. Thankful heart, shows you what you have, and what you really need.

Stock stock stock! HK stock market is overheat. Hairdressers at salon, waiters at Cha Chan Ten, passengers at MTR crazy about discussing which stock to buy. Even property market getting active with the excessive profit from stock exchange. It's tempting not to invest while medias keep boosting the increasing stock prices. It's a test of one's greed and desire control. Fighting against own desire is the toughest thing in the world under such temptation.