2008

I envy people. Those who embrace life, live with dream, not giving up, brave for challenge. I envy them. Myself, I've been wasting my life. How come I never have the feeling of living is so good. How come there is nothing in the world that make me feel I want to live for it. Is life itself really that charming? If so, how come I never feel it that way. I just don't enjoy my life very much. I have almost everything materialwise. And now I have also friends and family who love me dearly. How come that just don't make me embrace life. I am the most lost person in the whole world. For so long, I still don't know what I need. I have no dream, no motivation, no talent, no desire... I hate to waste my life but I can do nothing. I try to do it better but I am too weak. How could everyone hang on and I slip off every time. I really don't get it and totally lost, frustrated and helpless. This is a new year again. I really want to change my life up side down. This year, I want to make more valuable friends, love more people, learn more and act more like bible, hang on in a regular job and one volunteer work. I want to bring happy to other more, be more patient and tender as Jesus.

Dear Lord, I am also your lovely daughter. I love you, want to know more about you and I am ready to serve you. Also, I am lonely most of the time. Please do not forget me and be sure to bring in my husband soon. I am sure with his spiritual support and companionship, I will grow up faster and stronger. I wish to walk with him hand in hand in your way. Thanks in advance. with love

Marriage is a double face jerk

The singles, crazy for marriage. They would give up everything for jump into marriage as soon as possible. Paying a fortune for mating service, losing dignity to please the partner, women living in a torturing life to keep in shape so as to attract men. In other hand, married couples, so regret for their decision. Losing freedom, tired of compromising, unhealthy problem kids ruinning everyone's lives.

Frankly, I don't have courage get involve in relationship. The marriage of my parents. No love at all. All about money, selfish and negotiation. No pity at all to a 70+ husband. Never once control her temper to at least give one day break to him. All he asks for is peace and calm and he's giving everything for it. Even that, she takes everything for granted and torture everyone around her. No repent! It's a terrible marriage example I grow up from. Will I be able to have a fortune marraige my own?

I feel bad to see dad suffering like this but I can do nothing. I blame myself and hopeless. God, please do not let her hurt anyone again. Show her how it feel for what she did to others. Please save them all!

Before sunrise and After sunset, films that break your heart. A condensed relationship of 2 different days, does it make no different from regular relationship? Does it accelerate the feeling? Will it become life time? A relationship with more truth and less lies? More happiness less blaming? Does time really matter to love? Passion is not love? Are we all so willing to cheat ourselves for love? Is the love real on a roadtrip? Why is my heart so freeze when I watched the morning scene, same old places last nite but empty now. Isn't that the feeling of a face or body you got so familiar with for years but now just an empty soul to you? It's too cruel for me to stand it or even think a second about it!

Families are people who won't hate you forever.
Friends are those know you but still love you.
Wealth is not the goal of life, it's the entrance of a real life.
Love is level of willingness to sacrifice.
Sadness is a state of mind.
Travel is a good excuse of escaping.
Movie is the desire of not being oneself.
Children are adults with no fear and regret.
Fashions is a game playing by a group of cynical people.
Autumn is best friend of loneliness.
One's death is the beginning of other's life.

No movtive to go out. Yesterday force myself to bible study. Almost burst out when singing praise with I don't know what reason. Am I just lonely? Am I feeling sorry about myself? Am I suffering from my own sin? Or do I get too frustrated in searching? My mood graph is exactly same as the stock market today. Deep drop to the bottom and hanging there for few days already. Really need to cheer myself up and get back to shape.

Since the war I survive from, still in recovery period. Scary memory hit me frequently. Must accept it. No more stupid thoughts. Loneliness is swallowing me. No more meaningless "if". I refuse to sink into the dark deep ocean. It's a day of art. Museum and piano lesson ease a bit. It'll be over very soon. By then I will love as a normal girl again. I will!

Went to a wedding. Faced people I've been hiding from for years. I bought 2 dresses got really panic when the time get close. A million times thinking of not going. But the groom is one of my very best. He really wanted me to celebrate with him. Ending up, no big deal. I am mature enough, strong enough to handle. I even can chit chat with Mr computer. Nice! I got no bad feeling against him anymore. Really! But the news Mr C got married and a son really knock me off. I so wanted to believe that his love is only for me lifetime. That we are meant to end up with each other. That he is incapable to love anyone else. Thinking of him caring his wife break my heart. The next day, the hangover (non-alchool) got me really bad. That I skip church and ask my sis for sos pray. I cry for my sin hurting other all these years. I realize I am the one hurting other not that I used to think I am the victim. I was relief after praying. That night, I pray for everyone I met at the banquet. especially the one I once loved. sincerely I wish them all the best from God. Now only thing left in my heart, is that I am alone. That I really wish God has already prepare for me. And I am ready for him. and I am capable of loving him not hurthing him, torturing him. God please help me and lead me the way. Thanks God for sis to pray with and for me. Thanks for forgiven my sin. Thanks for the relief. Thanks for friend's support. thanks for love from family. thanks for hope and faith. thanks.

A sermon from the church of my cousin, inspired me to write a book of a collection of testimony of different ordinary christians. It'll be brief and with about 30-40 testimonies. Nothing dramatic but stuff from daily life experiensing our lovely God. my thought for now.

When we came to a proper ages, wedding is heading to you few times a year. Well I must admit wedding susks! Because like a merry-go-round, just never once my turn. Wed of new friends are still standable like the one I just got back from. A wed of my church friends, few years younger than me, just got happily ever after. Still some confuse feeling deep down. Can't even tell what it is. An even worse one, coming this month, an old u buddy (quite close friend of mine) asked me to be the bridemaid of his bride. His first girlfriend who he met after his 30 become his wife now. How amazing it that. That he got walk on the carpet before me. But that's not the reason I escape from his wed, it's the guest list. Pretty scary to me that 3 of my ex will probably be there. I guess the bravest girl got chicken in this situation. Especially still in her single and mingle stage. God help me out!

Regular liver check-up today. Same old comment from doctor. Nothing better nothing worse. Bouffff... I actually keep hoping to stop medication. But Doctor Cheung seems to find my idea not feasible. Unless I plan to pregnant, otherwise it's not wise to take the risk. In other word, pregnant becomes risky to me. Hearing that, I feel my frozen heart. Of course I got no plan for now on pregnancy. But I do look forward to a family of my own with kids in the picture. On the way home in the cap, I look above, inside screaming, I beg God for giving me a chance to practise love in my own family. To give me another chance to love again. To give me a chance to learn motherhood and experience the unconditional love as a mother ...

Desire and greed, not always on money, most dangerously in love and relationship. A good friend of mine, 30+ married woman, all these years have been struggling in affairs. She's an attractive, a little naive woman, very sociable and mature. But whenever a man approaches her, she quickly turns back into a teenager. Ten years of marriage, she risks it for a married man. Dumb but understandable. The man ends up a coward player. Should I say fortunately or unfortunately?! My friend got so hurt that she started to learn playing chess for training herself more tactic on men. Funny huh! I try to analyse her affair. Is her husband not good enough? Does she have low self esteem? Or is that sucker that charming and skillful? Is her life too dull and need some icing? This is her life, her family, her husband that I have no opinion on. Just don't wanna see her losing the best stuff that she just doesn't figure it now. Desire, gets you what you want. Thankful heart, shows you what you have, and what you really need.

Stock stock stock! HK stock market is overheat. Hairdressers at salon, waiters at Cha Chan Ten, passengers at MTR crazy about discussing which stock to buy. Even property market getting active with the excessive profit from stock exchange. It's tempting not to invest while medias keep boosting the increasing stock prices. It's a test of one's greed and desire control. Fighting against own desire is the toughest thing in the world under such temptation.

Wow! Just when I got really stressed with my fussy mother, God sent her to Shanghai for 10 days. I've just been told by dad and I am sooooooo relieve! God is so lovely! Dad said mom asked me to keep an eye on the new maid. So I went to have super tonite. I try to talk to her while eating. She told me her working aboard raise the whole family back in her hometown. When I told her we understand it's hard for her, I saw her tears. Then I know I do the right thing in giving her some comfort and support at this very moment. Happy to know she got some new friends who brings her to church on Fridays. How lucky we live in hk with opportunities while someone else have to fly all the way to look for it.

The third person met in heaven, tells us to forgive our parents. Because all parents damage their children through neglect, violence and silence. Children are sensitive, helpless and innocent, unable to defense themselves. Of course parenthood is never easy. But even bible tells parents not to make children angry. Because angry becomes hatred. And hatred does not just disappear. It affects one's relationship with people, marriage and career, most importantly their next generation.

I hate my mother again. Yes again. I've been putting it down and thought I am over it. But recently, it got me again. She is a bitch to me. My concerns to her make her even more bitchy. None of my effort gain her satisfying. That makes me frustrate and getting tired of pleasing her. I love her and understand she is going through ear problem. I guess the love is not enough for her excessive blame to everyone especially those who love her. She must learn to treasure, to appreciate, and to express feeling in a normal way. But she just never have to learn it coz it happened to have people spoiling her in all these years. Sorry, not me! Not my strength. The bitchy her remind me of the neglect, violence and silence on me. I hate her I hate her I hate her. I hate it like I must please her. I hate to put my feeling always after hers. I hate her arrogant as if she had always been a good mother!?! c'mon, who is she kidding?! Hatred is eating me. God please help me from drowning in it.

Hide-and-heal: stylish or foolish?

About 60 percents of my life so far are at low spirit. I used to go back to my cave, seal the entrance until everything is fine. As a girl, I know it's kinda weird. I guess I just have no confidence in anyone. No one I can reply on. Seriously, I've been thinking the pros and cons of this method (I named it hide-and-heal). Is it the only way or the best way to go through recession in life?

The pros:
A. feel so cool
B. Show independent
C. increase own ability in crisis
D. keep an mystery image among friends
E. no responsibility to others
F. keep self off from any discussion/judgement and hence avoiding to get hurt

However, there are far more cons for hide-and-heal:
A. feel lonely/isolated/not loved or cared
B. one brain, limited solutions VS more brains, variety of solutions
C. talking itself can release stress
D. easier to get trapped in negative thoughts for being alone
E. satan loves us being like that (so easy to beat us)
F. eventually become someone self-centered, selfish, insensitive, and people who can't love
G. give up chances in establishing trusty with friends
H. take relatively longer time to reclaim
I. friends eventually won't offer to help because they feel rejected or they are misled that we actually prefer no support
J. experiment proofed shorter lifespan for loners
K. give up chances to grow in interacting with people (even getting hurt or being misunderstood can brush us up and make us a stronger person)

After those self-talking, I figured "stupidity" is the only word to describe the previous me. Well, God gives me 2 hands to reach out for help, a mouth to share my feelings, eyes to cry on friends, feet to get out of the cave. Dumb like me just shake my head and pushed everybody and my fortune away!

The last section of praying course yesterday, E and I got to talk to clergy afterward. Amazingly, the negative thoughts of this clergy, the course content and the church has gone. Despite missing 2 classes, unable to catch up with the reading, delay to hand in homework and memorize bible phrases, I was inspired and went through some self-growing progress. I may not be able to pass the course and go straight to the next level. But I kind of agree why Jesus suggested me to take this lesson.

Firstly, I was too cocky in front of God and people. I am stubborn and not letting anyone to judge me or advise me or lead me out of my comfort zone. Secondly, my faith is so not enough and I am so insecure even with his magnify power and great love on me. That I set lots of do and don't around me forgetting the truth (bible) should lead the way not me. I was so not open-minded when I am proud and advertise myself as one. I hate stereotype, judgemental, prejudice, fail to try, closed-minded. I just don't realize that I am one of them. I hate to live in a frame but I am actually framing myself.

I like and hate to explore myself. Like because I long for changes and growth. Hate because it's often painful, confused, stuck ed, and frustrated. I respect people who find fighting his own hardship challenging or even have fun from it. Me, I must admit that I am a coward. That I would avoid, escape, back off from any hard time. The more failure I experience, the more danger zone I got. Now I got nowhere else to go but trapping myself in the middle of the room. Where is the courage I used to have, I wonder. I envy the me who feel the world is all mine. That I was the center of the world. That the spotlight is always on me. And I don't give a damn to failure, judgement, age, prestige, wealth and status. And my future is so bright with unlimited possibilities and opportunities. That I have no regret for my life!

Last night I pray so hard for an answer of the waiting. As usual, no abstract reply from Him except "Trust me!" And then I went asleep. Today I got "As soon as you began to pray, an answer was given, which I have come to tell you, for you are highly esteemed. Therefore, consider the message and understand the vision" from Daniel 9:23. Where is the answer? Am I highly esteemed? Why haven't I feel it? Where is the message? Vision! What vision? I am not Daniel. I do not pray as he did, you know so humble and patiently and persistent. I am not good enough for an answer... ...

I just experience conversation with God. Just back from bible study at church. We read this and see what God replies in an instant to my doubts in new age impact on me. Colossians 2:2-11 My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ,in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments. For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him,rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. In him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ

New ager? am I?

Did a test yesterday in the pray seminar. I belong to the feeling type personality. That is, all my decision, action and thinking build on my feeling including touching and other physical contact. No wonder I can never reject men who sit close to me or start physical contact with me. In my pray, I always request God to hold me, to let me feel him, to hold my hand, etc. God is so kind that I sometimes get it. I am developed to this type and there's nothing wrong with it. But I admit I am demanding and not easy to be pleased because I am very insecure.Except feeling type, there are audio, video, self-talking type. End up my audio and video personality are quite even and score high enough. I am also a self-talking person (just 2 points less than feeling). I've been changing a lot these years. I get to know myself more and care about myself more. I develop my audio by gallery, museum and drawing. Develop my audio by listening to people and music. For self-talking, I do it since I was born because I have no one else. I am happy that my feeling does not freeze after isolation all these years.New age, I happen to have special interest in but I must pay real attention. Since I am such a curious person, every new thoughts get my attention. Crystal energy, environmental friendly, yoga, aromatherapy, meditation, dream sign, new age music, and hypnotherapy. I suddenly realize I am such a new ager. I used to believe in astrology and palm reading too. I must be very cautious for I know it now. When I learn to pray, I get very confused when clergy lead us into mediation and physic (well, at least I feel it this way) Of course I know deep down that it's for contacting God. But still I find it dangerous and weird. Really uncomfortable! I even skipped a week of class. Anyway, I figure I must be sure what is new age and what is wrong with it before I get stereotype.