Dating a divorce

Recently, I have been dating with a divorced man who owns a company himself. Very different from others, he is more gentle, generous, confident. Being with him, I have a very comfortable feeling. To be just silent sitting next to him does not make me feel awkward. He planned everything on the date and so I can just relax and enjoy. I like that especially not many men would do so when dating in Hong Kong. Very few of them have opinion. I mean real opinion not self centering. Sincerely, I don't find him attractive when I saw him. It's the way he talks, the manner he shows that make me applause. Also the career mind of him actually give him more marks. Well, he is also quite strategic. He sent me sms everyday (sometimes twice a day). He catched me on msn when I was working. He let me know he wanted to see me next time in every date.

Today, I was seeing him again. We started the topic of my religion. More precisely, he was offending my belief. From bottom of my heart, I shouted, "boy! He just hit my bottom line". I think I became bitchy then. I am not happy with this date. I just begin to fall for him and that happened. I don't know if it's a good thing or bad one. Maybe it's good to know we are not matched with each other from the very beginning. Or should I give him another chance. I don't know...... But at least for one thing I know is that, I don't feel that comfortable anymore.

The More I Cherish, the Easier I lose it! Always!

Just two day before the year of 2006, I lost my favorite necklace! I have never think about it but when I lost it, I knew that it was so very much important to me. The important part isn't the physical thing but the meaning behind. End of 2004, I was having stomach problem. Except spoiling food with no oil and seasoning, I got serious stomach ache after each meal. It was just killing me and I was depress and given up myself because of my health condition. I was hopeless and suprisingly at that time, mother for the very first time gave me very suitable support and care. She was seeing doctor with me. Talking about it with me. Being with me when I got pain and showed sympathy. Then one evening when we were dining out, she gave me this diamond cross pendant necklace. It is not just that. It is her motherhood, love, support, and knowing me (religious needs and the fond of jewels. Long for this gift for so long and I really treasure it. I lost it a year after! What I did then surprised myself. I searched for it in the middle to the night until wild dogs barked me home. The other morning, I took a day off and searched again in the district. I went to 2 police stations to report the lost. I prayed for someone getting it back to me. I begin to know more about myself. Things that I don't want to admit. I love my mother and my family. I long for thier caring and love. I am afraid to lose them. I may not know how to handle if I have to lose them one day. I am in a stage that require family supports. I pray for their health and our relationship getting better and better. I remind myself for not wasting time to not express my caring towards them.

Detached!

Having been a single for years, it was not easy, especially during festivals. Valentine's day is humiliating for sure. Even Christmas, supposed to be celebrating Jesus unconditional love, has becoming another valentine's day. Following will be the New Year eve with no one to celebrate with, kiss with, hug with and to looking forward to a new year together. Chinese New Year is also hard for us. Relatives keep asking you to get yourself married soon. "Don't be picky! Time is up! Bla bla bla..." Meanwhile, more friends are giving you red pocket money. Being the only one qualified to get red pocket money in your peer is scary. Getting out of town is one solution but to whom I can go with? Well, the only thing I hope is they don't ask their first born child to give me the red pocket money one day. Feeling so detached to the city. So crowded yet so lonely. Of course there are many of us that I know for sure. But I wonder where they are and whether it is a club for us so we can get some discounts to dine or to shop that could at least ease some of our pain. The question is when will it end? No one know. Aging with less hope. The whole society forces us to be so desperate. I wish I were a man. They don't have the pressure. Not at work, not from family. They are quality singles but we are fading. No wonder reports said singles get comparatively shorter life, single women particularly! God blesses we single women!

Work Hard, Play Hard?!

My philosophy: work hard, play hard. Many say it. Very few can do it. The problem is to get the balance. Some work too much. Some lose their mind in playing.

I am basically a lay back person. I excuse for my health condition. Then decorate it with lifestyle. Well, you know... coffee, jazz, wine, cozy home, relationship, bla bla bla.... Recently, I found that I am much more healthier than I thought. And I found lifestyle alone can't present the texture of life. A rich and fruitful life is not that simple.

Whenever I feel not happy with my life, I begin to work work work. Try to get satisfaction from achievement. Short-term or long term goals... Goal setting, planning, progress to success is what I do to fulfill my mind and empty feeling.

Falling into the trap of BUSY- being under satan's yoke, I eventually lose myself. At last I usually find my soul in relationships, karaoke, bars and moody. Hopefully, Jesus would come pick me up. Drive me home. Pack me to sleep. Feed me with love and wisdom words. The Lord is my sherperd I shall not want!

Jesus says to me recently, "Come be with me. Talk to me. Play with me. Play seriously but not be afraid to gain or lose. Listen to me with heart. Share with me. Let me participate in your daily life. I want to give you a richer and more fruitful life." Waiting for my reply... ...

Homeless Girl

For unknown reason, I've been always feel like being a homeless. No root, insecure, too adapted, and too enjoy home of others. Making a summary of my footprint so far, here comes my route. Prince Edward -> MeiFoo -> Robinson Rd -> back to MeiFoo -> Kamloops->Fresno->MeiFoo again->Antibes->Paris->MeiFoo->Yuet Sau->SanPoKong Plaza->Fairway Garden->SaiKung Recently, I've been moving every 2 years. Moving is not that tiring. Instead it's very much exciting for having new environment to live in that symbolizes a new life. I like that feeling. Then I am more and more into home decor. To turn a cruel plain house into a cozy home is a very fun part of moving. Of course shopping around for home decor stuffs plays an important role. It's like getting to know a new friend. From feeling distant to getting comfortable, it's very exotic. It can become anything, any style, any mood depends on how I do with it. Different curtain can bring out a total different character of the house. But I must confess from time to time, I feel homeless. After all the "adjouter" of my taste to the house, I still feel empty. Because there was no one to wait for me at home. Every time I open the door with my key, I couldn't expect someone to welcome me with hug. There was no dinner waiting for me. No one to share the laugh and tears during the soap opera marathon. I am homeless even though I have my own home with over 1000 sq fts. Even that, before I can change my status, zipping my caffeine-free herbal tea with honey with "boy meets girl" would give me some comfort for a while.

Angel or Evil ?

Every day of living, we encounter so many Angel/Evil. It required spiritual wisdom to be able to deal with them and to be safe. The first week of this work, I met this angel-like person. This person told me to protect myself from getting hurt by someone closed to me." Then we became friends starting to share spiritual experience, background, family, to exchange present, to grow together and support each other at work place. But then I eventually figure this person is very sensitive , emotional, defensive, and find the negative thought to be sophisticated and wisdom. This person is spreading around the negative power in the office and I do not like it. Wait a minute, I should have known this person for long time. Who is it? Ah.. That was me! I was very emotional. I enjoyed negative thought. I liked to get attention with my tragic feeling. I even got irritated with always-optimistic-people. I would counsel them to be more realistic and be more able to protect themselves. That's was me! I was spreading negative power everywhere. Hopefully, I was not like that anymore. God changed me and now He is training me to be a more charming person. I would not need to be attractive using my tragic stories. Moreover, I can use my experience to help others and be more understanding. Even that, I was hurt by this Angel. Last week, this person was beginning to throw sharp words to me, against me, accused me and distrusted me. Just because I was too aggressive and too task-oriented in this job. (For sure, there are things I need to learn from this incident especially on relationship) But it was just too ironic that this person personally presented the meaning of our first conversation. Yesterday angel. Tomorrow evil. I can only say.. Human beings are weak. They hurt you before they realize it. Well... To be sheep is good. But just always be prepared to speak snake's language anytime and anywhere. Or may He trained me to be hurt without scar. So I have everlasting love for the most unlovable person like myself and this person at work.

He said "Calm Down and Rest with Him!"

John 1:12-13 The Spirit immediately drove him out into the wilderness. And he was in the wilderness forty days, tempted by Satan; and he was with the wild beasts; and the angels ministered to him.

John 1:30-31 Now Simon's mother-in-law lay sick with a fever, and immediately they told him of her.

John 1:35 And in the morning, a great while before day, he rose and went out to a lonely place, and there he prayed.

John 2:15 And as he sat at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners were sitting with Jesus and his disciples; for there were many who followed him. John 2:27 And he said to them, "The sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath; John 3:5 And he looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, .... John 3:25 And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. "But God, who is rich in mercy, out of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with him, and made us sit with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, " Ephesians 2:4-6

To sit with Him in peace is our rights, and also our duty. Knowing how to rely on Him, how to be in peace is everything to us. We then no longer struggle nonstop for meaningless things in life. Instead we can rest in peace in Him. Letting the Holy one to complete for us. We may not see or even feel, but God works only when our soul is calm and peaceful. So rest, stay calm and peace with Him is extremely helpful in any activities. Remember, nothing is more interfering than an anxious and oppressive soul in His plan and work on us and others.

To Be or Not To Be ... A Grown-Up ?

It was a question I frequently ask myself and God because 6 month of counseling is almost over. Summing up my learning, I was taught to be an emotionally stable person, a responsible person and to be myself. Emotionally stable and responsible huh! It was so ironic. If I become such person, is that myself anymore? To be a grown-up, that is, I have to accept people's expectations. I have to do what they want me to. I am not allow to let them down or surprise them in any irresponsible way. I must walk on the track for the rest of my life. I am framed. If I have a say, I love to be different. I love to be spoiled and loved eventhough I am emotional and sometimes irresponsible. I deserve to be loved and repected because I AM a lovable person. I know love, I can share feelings, I understand and I am sincere. Don't I qualify for an exemption to be molded into a not-me? Struggling drives me crazy and make me feel so tired. To be or not to be a grown-up... It's not our choice.

October - the month of Concerts

Haven't stepped in stadium for long time. Well, first no partners to go with. Eventually, lost interest in concerts. Growing up with canton pop. Couldn't live without it. Every life incident has its own theme song. Now that people are gone and things are different. But 80's canton pop stars suddenly all come back and open concerts. Ok then. Let's them pick our pockets. For we know very much... that it's the memories we are actually purchasing. "Grasshopper" concert is a good show I must say. Well at least to our age of people. Strong beat, dance, shouting, disco lighting.... all bring us back to young time. To the time we were innocent and wild. To the time we dare to love and hate. To the time we believed we own the world. To the time we never needed to sleep. Music and beat brings us back. It is clearer and clearer. The little girl was wild and crazy and bold. The boy she loved or maybe she wasn't sure at that time. The crazy thing she did with people who she already lost contact with. She dances with the beat and screams even louder than before. Coz unconsciously she knew this is most probably the last chance to give herself out. Familiar pop songs brings her back and forth in the time. Hurt and happiness flashed like crazy. She couldn't really tell the taste of the feeling. The only thing she could do was to sink into the beat. But it's a good show. After all, there are love. Love brings people back together. There are still love in world. 7 years of marriage and tears in eyes were evidence. Witnessing others love life is warm in heart yet bittering. She... driving back home and wishing upon the stars. Wishing next time "Grasshopper" can witness her love.

Je parle!

I am going to speak. To the deep down hiden self. To the world. To someone I love and someone I hate. To God. To the mystery viewers. Anyway, I am going to speak. To speak out loud like I never did before. When I finally speak, I hope someone is sharing with me somewhere... out there.

Movie - BIG FISH

“Big Fish” is a good merge of fantasy and real life story. Father represents refuse to settle with the reality, keep a child heart, and optimistic attitude towards life unpredictable changes and hardship. The son oppositely represents people who are eaten up by reality and have negative life perception which due to his unhappiness even getting the dream job, woman of his life and a coming baby. Courage The movie is to tell the different stage of life difficulty and perception. When people are young, courage is the only thing they have. However, good use of courage wins the world for you. You feel like you can own the world and nothing is impossible to you. Friend making (with the witch and giant) needs courage. Stepping out to see a bigger world needs courage. Trying a new trail needs courage. Leaving your comfort zone needs courage. Finding the love of your life needs courage especially. Never again when getting older When we grow older, courage disappears and the ability to believe loses eventually. Even you still want to like the son wanted to believe the story dad told, he can’t anymore but keep challenging the stories and feel thunder has been stolen by his dad on this wedding day. We all become more complicated and selfish (self-centered) while growing up. The goal becomes unclear and life becomes directionless. The poet represents those people who are ambitious when young and have the gut to fight the difficulty to own achievement. However, getting lazy and could get out of comfort zone beginning to lose himself. When he finally continues his journey, he was eaten up by the reality and chooses the wrong way. Life didn’t give him up but lead him to be a rich man. Life is unpredictable but if you don’t move your step forward, you will not see it and may end up die in regret. Always pick up the courage we used to have and move on in life. Family The father found the key he dropped in the forest when young. At that time, he didn’t even notice and care. The key represent our origin and family that we neglect when we are young. When people getting older, suddenly there is a day they think of the old days and precious them and even want to go back especially when life is not easy(his car crushed in the tree). Family is always there for us when we need to heal our wound. The father found the damaged dream town. That represents our perception of things alters by environment such as economy, knowledge, lesson we learnt from life, others expectation and social responsibility. It will never be the same even though how hard he tried to save the town. When you finally realize that you can only move on because you have already your present life and are responsible for the corresponding people involved. When he refused the 10-year-old town girl, I can see love has responsibility but if it is true love, people will be glad to take it and love give you courage to move on. Communication The owner of the circus is actually a wolf man. In real life, it is not hard to find animal heart people who would hurt you or use you or lie to you. The story tells us not to be afraid of them. Fighting with them is not the only way out. Communicate with them, play with them, interact with them will melt the iceberg. First you need kindness then courage to be with them. Parental love Characters in the movie are very significant. He told his son the day he born, he is fishing the big fish with wedding ring. In the final part of the story, the family doctor told the son his dad regrets for not to be there when he is born. That’s why he made up that story to make himself feel better inside. Ring represents faithfulness for his family and he would fight the world to get it back. He even starting to believe he was actually the big fish who is thirsty all the time and needed to soak into water. We can see how regret inside his heart and how much he love his son and wife. However, his son does not understand it until his death. Love between father and son spread all over the movie in a blue tone. The knot is waiting to be solving until his death. A happy thing is it’s not too late and other family members are supportive. Marriage One very touching scene is mom and dad getting in the bath tub together. It shows the love between them and the faithfulness of a man to his wife that brings unconditional love and trust from the wife. She not only does not challenge his story, but willingly believe they are both the fish and live in the water. That’s romantic and high level of love that we can hardly find today. Everybody says there isn’t faithfulness in marriage anymore. I still want to believe there is! Friendship A nice thing the movie mentioned is friends from different stage of life can contribute when he needs them (when saving the dream town). That’s what friends are. Friendship is lifetime. It is touching when seeing them all showing up in the funeral. Not only showing the characters of the stories are true but also the friendship is true and precious to his dad. The story also tells friendship needs to be earned. We will meet different people in life but we will not make friends with all of them. It is our choice to look at the people with colored glasses or to open our heart and make friend with them with courage, with kindness and simple heart.

My Chihuahua

Bark! Bark! Bark! It's my dear little dog, My first and my only, a Chihuahua boy. Large eyes large ears tiny nose, His one-feet body will never grow. He loves to sneeze as if he's a detector, Suddenly jump up the sofa and becomes a wrestler. Watching him wake up, Oh he's a cute little angel, But when he tears newspaper, he turns into a devil. He loves to play and he has a way - It's to stare at me and keep his tail waving Then no matter how tired or down am I, Can hardly neglect him from my sight!

My Perception of LOVE

The moment Prince and Princess meet, Her heart beat like crazy even he can tell, His handsome face plays on and on, Can't look into his eyes coz something's going on. She won't forget the moment he says, That she's the best he'd ever met, Though, Mars crashes to Venus sometimes, Watching him asleep puts her anger aside. People say that love is miracle, In love our lives become bright and colorful, It's indeed an Art to keep love grow, The key is to know the 4 principles: To share the life of goods or bads, To give without the word "Return" in your head, To thanks for little things and cherish his love, And to respect him and let him be the person he is.