A Down Day

I am very very depress. I can't sleep for more than 3hours for days. My head is going to exploit. I lie on the bed in the morning, cannot sleep, feel empty. Only my Serta Sheep is with me. But I can't even talk to him. I bring it with me to the service, I cry during the preach. I leave alone cos no one is availble for me. Even the masseur is busy. Maybe a cup of coffee from SK will ease my pain. I almost cry when I see the coffee shop is already not there. With empty soul and stomach, I float from street to street. Even shopping therapy doesn't work as I can't find anything interesting enough to pay for. Until my knee gets hurt, I drive back to my cave. Maybe it's pms......

Salvation for Mother

Mother makes me worry for her addiction in buddish. She wasted plenty of money and her own healthy in it. It is nice that she has someone to hang out with. But it is scary that she always go for praying for dead people. When she told me her testimony of meeting dead people, I see the urge in bringing her to Jesus.

It's hard for me to keep objective in religion with her. She is my mom and there is only one salvation. How can I make her believe and understand that?

There is one little hope. At lunch, she told me she wanna visit holyland with sister this year. As she is interested in history of all religion. There is always a window open in a worst situation!

I Loved You Best Jim Willis

So this is where we part, My Friend, and you'll run on, around the bend, gone from sight, but not from mind, new pleasures there you'll surely find. I will go on, I'll find the strength, life measures quality, not its length. One long embrace before you leave, share one last look, before I grieve. There are others, that much is true, but they be they, and they aren't you. And I, fair, impartial, or so I thought, will remember well all you've taught. Your place I'll hold, you will be missed, the fur I stroked, the nose I kissed. And as you journey to your final rest, take with you this...I loved you best.

God with you now?

Read a story about "where do pets come from?". It says at the time only Adam in the world with God, God creates a very special animal to accompany Adam. This animal is a reflection of God's love to us. And hence, it was named backward of God - dog!

I know this is not necessary the fact. But my tear ran out. It's like a comfort from God confirming that he sent me this little dog to teach me love, to show me how himself, to love me whoever I am, to have only me in his heart, to wait for my return in loving him back while I am learning, to always be with me, to establish my confident in myself and others, to be a bridge between me and family, friends, and the society, to make me laugh, to bring out my barried soul.

If God sees dog so special, no wonder he changed me so much. He was an angel sent by God to me. But I am sorry... for not being a good master, for the insensitive to your needs, for the bad temper, for forcing you to learn tricks that only for my pride, for ......... I am sorry baby! Please forgive me. God, I hope you can take him with you now. So one day I can see him and tell him ....... if you are looking at me in the Heaven now, would you forgive me.........

In Prison for a month

It is about one month from the dissertation deadline. I decided I must prison myself and focus on the work. After announcing to all friends, colleagues and family, still there are some blind fly calling like crazy. Anyway, before I started to get in the prison, I went to have lunch with mother. As a matter of fact, I miss her. I am very moody these few days. Miss him a lot. Maybe the autumn wind reminds me of him. Or maybe the loneliness does. Or maybe, it's Gicigubi, a young female disc jockey committed sucide for missing her passed away mother too much. She is a very cool girl also very sensitive. It is a gift for seeing the world in a different way with her art talent. But sometimes, too sensitive will kill. I pray for her silently in my heart and I wanna see mother. There are many times that I wanna hug her. But I didn't because I can't. I hope I can before it's too late.

My Personality Test Result

Congratulations, you are a YELLOW personality with the driving Core Motivation of FUN. This does not mean that you are constantly looking for a party (although you usually do know where to find one!). You are instinctively happy and gravitate to people and situations that provide carefree adventure and playful interactions. Even under the most serious of circumstances or daunting tasks, you and your YELLOW (buddies/girlfriends), will seek an element of personal fulfillment and spontaneous enjoyment in the experience. Spontaneous play and genuine "in the moment" FUN are not merely important to you - they are as essential to your very being as eating.

As a YELLOW, you are inviting and embrace life as a party that you're hosting. You love playful interaction and can be extremely sociable. You are highly persuasive and seek instant gratification. YELLOWS need to be adored and praised, especially by their partners. While you are carefree, you are quite sensitive and highly alert to others' agendas to control you. You carry within yourself the gift of a good heart, and are happy to share it with your significant other.

As a YELLOW, you need to look good socially, and friendships command a high priority in your life. You are happy, articulate, engaging of others and crave adventure. Easily distracted, you can never sit still for long. You embrace each day in the "present tense" and choose people to be around who, like you, enjoy a curious nature.

WHY YOU ARE HOT

You Are Exciting To Be With You are not a boring person. In fact, you are often the life of the party wherever you go and whatever you do. You always have something to talk about, and you are constantly getting yourself into unbelievably funny situations. Potential partners love this about you because they know that there will never be a dull moment and that they will never have to worry about a lack of entertainment.

You Have A Heart Of Gold One of the greatest gifts that you have to offer is that you have an amazing heart. You tend to reserve it for those by whom you feel adored, but you give it so freely when you find that special someone. Not only do you have a great heart, but you are able to create romantic moments and memories. You are easy to fall in love with just as you love easily and openly. Your partner will know that you would do anything for them, which is very endearing.

WHY YOU ARE NOT

You Are Irresponsible And Unreliable You are here today, and then gone to Maui. You operate by the "better offer" principle, which means that you do not always follow through with plans that you make with your partner. You say, "I know that we were going to dinner tonight, but my friend just told me that (he/she) has an extra ticket to the Eagles concert, so I'll call you tomorrow." What your partner heard was, "Something more exciting than going out with you came up, so I'll call you next time I'm bored." Save yourself some cell phone minutes and don't bother calling

You Can Be Self-Centered And Inconsiderate Of Your Partner's Needs You tend to look out for numero uno, far better than you look out for your partner. You think that the world revolves around your schedule and can be very thoughtless of what others are doing or what their needs are. He will grow tired of this very quickly, because in a committed relationship, he wants to be your first priority and not just plan "b".

YOUR NEEDS

You Need To Look Good Socially You pride yourself on your people skills, and are terribly embarrassed by social faux pas. The way that your partner both perceives you socially and enhances your appearance socially is a big deal to you, so find someone with whom you feel comfortable in the social environment.

You Need To Be Noticed By Your Partner Because you do have a sense of flair and flash, you don't want it to go unnoticed. Your partner's opinion is especially important to you, and you want to know that they see what you're doing. The worst possible thing for you would be to get involved with a man who ignores you. You would be devastated.

YOU WANTS

You Want To Loosely Hide Your Insecurities You have a tender heart and so you protect it from being hurt by hiding your insecurities. You guard them only loosely, however, and are willing to reveal if you know that your partner will be gentle with you. Look for somebody who makes you feel comfortable in this arena, because the emotional connection and rapport that is created when you open up is not something you want to miss out on.

You Want Happiness YELLOWS wake up every morning happy. You don't like to dwell on unpleasantries, or spend time with people who pull you down. Find a partner who you can support your lighthearted nature but who helps you confront the negative aspects of your life in a positive, upbeat way.

Dove - Evolution Commercial

Since when, women are being so harsh to ourselves? Yes, we all deserve to look good. But the question is who defines beauty? Men? Or we women ourselves? Or more precisely, the merchants do and we are so willing to follow?!

None of my girl friends truely appreciate their outlook. Too fat, too thin, face too round or too square, skin too pale, too dark or too rough, boop too small, leg too chubby, bla bla bla... Even worse for women critizing each other. Once I heard a mother judging her own 13-years-old daughter on MTR for single eye lid. I really don't know how the self esteem can be built for a little girl when the one who gave birth to her doesn't agree on her appearance.

With low self esteem, she can't love herself and others. When women can't love, so do the next generation. Imagine one day, no one will know how to live with confidence without products.

Medical Threat

I think I am a negative thinker. Always be prepared for the worst. Hardly get myself motivated. Very dramatic emotions. Since the liver illness, it is more obvious. Self pity, scare, disappointing, anger, withdrawal, etc occupy my mind with no space for anything good. Especially when I was sick, I get annoying and frustrated. It is not easy for me even with the full love of God.

The severe cough stole my sleeps for days. My trip to Japan (was so exciting about that) has to be postponed. I finally gave in and consulted my doctor today. He offered me to take antibiotics. It will hurt my liver for sure but I have to this time. I am very down thinking I will died with liver cancer one day. Will I?

How do I want to live my unhealthy life? It is a question keep hitting my mind. I feel that the answer becomes clearer and clearer. People who shine in adversity (especially in illness) really touches my heart. Inside, I think I wanna be like that. I wanna be shiny even in the worst situation and so other get blessed or be inspired by me. Hard! Very, to me as a girl who enjoys sinking in pathetic mood.

God sent me angel listen to me, cook for me and shop computing accessory with me today. Thank you!

Good Job, Mother!

Skipping appointments, resting at home, hopeing that the flu will leave me before the trip. The cough is driving me crazy and my head is going to explose. Besides the cockroach, being sick is the most scary thing to live alone. I mean really alone, not even my pet is here anymore to beg for water when I am suffering in a cold. Especially when hungry and fridge is empty, all I did for days was boiling water and pouring it all in my body hoping to wash away the disease.

I called mom this afternoon remembering she offered to make me soup if I am willing to come out from the cave. First, all she was interested is her own stuff as usual. I was beginning to fed up. Then a magical moment she made. She put down her tone, and asked me to see doctor or at least get some cough medicine. Told me to rest and drink a lot of water. I would have hung up if she didn't hold down her voice. So glad I didn't and she promised to make soup for me tomorrow. Well, I am happy to see we both grew up a bit enfin. I wanna hug her and tell her "you have done a good job!"

Flu Attack 2nd time in 2 months

I guess this is the pay back of lack of sleep, smoking, irregular meals, late night out, etc. Yesterday I get fever at 102 degree. Severe cough forbids me to sleep. I can't stop my brain even I force myself into sleep. A few hours of ice patching finally calm me down and put me into sleep at 7am. It is so suffering... If I have a wish, please don't let me sick like that ever again especially all alone...

A Jazz Date

Wow!!! I had a wonderful Jazz night. I always love live Jazz but there are very few Jazz club in Hong Kong. Plus I do not have friends to go with me (my friends find me pretentious in loving Jazz). Today I got a really fun date. He is the owner of a Jazz club. He is not handsome, not young, yet very serious without much smile on his face. But is a totally gentleman, kind and thoughtful. I arrived at 9pm when the band is practising. He introduced me to everyone in his club. They all take times to talk to me. I never have a chance to talk with the band ever at a Jazz club. But the pianist and guitar player have sit with us and chat during the break. I am so happy as if I were a little fans! The guitar player is a very cool girl. When she plays, she is very confident and very emotional. I can see she loves music very much. All others are gone... I am still sitting at the stage with a drink in my hand, enjoying her showing different music style with her guitar. When she plays "The Girl From Ipanema", the midage male bar tender with pony tail comes to the stage and starts to sing with a cigarette in his hand... His voice is not the best but it is definitely one of the best moment to me. Oh, forget to mention the privilege barbeque dinner. He brought me to see him "food flipping". Entering the gentleman restroom?! There is a door to an open air storage area where a barbeque stove lays there just like a treasure box. Borrowing the street light and high rise around us, it's a bit dark and hot while we chat. Kind of romantic though! The taste is not the best but what else can I ask for to have a steak particularly prepared for me at a Jazz club that doesn't serve food at all... I have a lovely night and I LOVE JAZZZZZZ

Goal... Meeting the Fellowship Again

After all the failure in meeting the fellowship since the 1st meeting months ago, I did it! It feels great. Thanks for the pray supports!!! The peace is just not the same...

Always Be Ready

I have been indulging myself lately. No spiritual input, no discipline, no regular meals and scheule, plus lots of bad habits. I know I am trying to give up myself and kind of enjoying it. I am so not prepared to councel others at this moment. To me it is a joke! He knows this is the most unprepared moment for me. But he is passing so many special cases to me. Forcing me to rethink my status and reshape my life style. Okok! I will try to be ready for the people who need me...

A Wild Day Out

A girl friend of mine is very down lately. Therefore, we decided to have a wild day out today. It is a crazy black Friday!

Brunch at Soho, shopping at computing centre and outlet, dinner at cozy restaurant .... the night is not yet finished without drink at LKF. Exhauted yet great fun! Well, we are not that bad as six male bump into us!

Why would we need these crazy nights? Because we are fed up by our boss, our colleagues, parents and men. Soho therapy and shopping therapy work so well to we Hong Kong girl whenever we get disappointed in life! At least it works for a while... ... who cares!

The First Addiction to Quit

I am hanging out at a bookstore today. There is a book about Hepatitis. Every time daddy asks me to quit smoking, I tell him smoking has no effect to liver. Well, I am incorrect according to this book. I bought the book, took a last one, packed all cigarette packs (all together 5 in my car), drived by a public garbage bin and throwed them away. I quitted! As a very first thing out of all my addictions......

A Train with no Driver

There is a feeling recently. A petit voice inside of me, whispering what I really want, who I really am. I refuse to admit and try not be it. Then I see myself walking there step by step. It's like I never plan to but I found myself already there!

It is all the matter of perception. We are told how we should be, who we are, what we should do and what shouldn't do. I see myself as a person without boundaries. But seems that no one tell me it's a good thing. Inside of me, there is pride of being such a person. From time to time, I feel like screaming for the feeling of being trapped.

I am almost there. I am not sure if it's totally wrong. But I see myself kind of out of control. I don't know what it'll lead to. I don't know ...I can't do anything now for it's a bit too late

If there was enough love

If there was enough love, we wouldn't have abandoned our kids If there was enough love, we wouldn't have abused our family If there was enough love, we wouldn't have broken up If there was enough love, we wouldn't have killed those animals If there was enough love, we wouldn't have started the wars If there was enough love, we wouldn't have to be so regret now

How much love we need to go back and change it all when we are already so exhausted and no will to break the wall

How much is enough to satisfy our greedy soul Maybe till the day we stop wanting love will be starting to grow

Every Morning is Painful

Every morning is painful Every shower is cold Every journey is endless Every smile is hard Every word is meaningless Every plan is off Every season is winter Every room is empty Every road is dead-ended Every song is blue Only cigarette pleases me Killing me bit by bit Bringing me closer and closer To where I belong with

The Devil wears Prada Review

Watched The Devil wears Prada. Not a brilliant movie but fun for a watch. A girl with smart resume but with no sense of fashion gets a job from Vogue (Runway in the movie). Stuggling with: To have own "style" or to be wrapped with branded high fashion clothing like others To insist in showing the devil boss her ability or to quit just like that To do it as a job that pays the bills or to be "into" it and to build passion for what she is doing To keep a steady relationship or to go for a charm talented romantic writer To choose friendship or to seize the chance of climbing up in career To be self or to be someone everyone admires To stick with own dream or to be sidetracked by everybody's "dream job" The movie reminds me of my first job. I had a devil boss too (well who doesn't). I hanged in there for 6 months. I am proud of myself for I have shown I am not a baby who just gives up when there is bad time. Life is about choice. Very easy to get lost. Set on the dream and hang in there...... I am still learning that!!!!!!

In the Fog

Have you ever in anykind of addictions - wine, cigarette, drugs, sports, love and sex. It's no fun for a control freak as me.

Addiction, I believe, is caused by self blaming, low self esteem, or even with the intention of self destroying. Very scary and huge problem!

The feeling is like walking in the fog all by self. No direction but very exciting. But after all, the pleasure is often very short term and regrettable. Sometimes, it is even not enjoyable as before but still one will continue doing it. Gradually, an increasing hatre to oneself and others ends up with repeating addiction behavior. This cycle forbids the addictor to have the ability to get up himself.

Addiction also often isolates one from society, friends and family. Making it harder to get support when mostly needed. Sinking with no recuse explains the situation.

2G is what I need now to get rid of the addiction. Well I am experienced. God and Guts.