Learning to Lose

Throughout our life, we are taught how to accomplish, gain, get, win, achieve. Never once there is someone telling us how to lose. To lose the stuffs we long for and the people we love dearly. Unfortunately, we all have to face it one day no matter we know or don't know how to. I have a few experience in losing, first a Rolex, then a boyfriend, and then my grandma, then my health. But I've never learnt the lesson because I tend to escape. Not this time God allows me to get away so easy. My pet died accidentally in desease. From seeing him struggling on me, bringing him to the vet, watching him moaning unconsciously, and finally holding his dead body in my arm, I can do nothing but pray desperately for a chance to get him alive. He'd still gone! No matter how much I can pay for or how many tears I drop for him, he had been gone. This is lost! Forever lost. Never could see him again. No matter how much I want him back or how much I miss him. In the first episode of Six Feet Under, Nate said to the blaming father of a 6-year-old dead child, "Everybody dies. No matter how many people you punch, it wouldn't change the fact. Your chance to be in his life is over. Did you do it well or you just pissed it away! And your own fucking clock is ticking too." I guess dying is the most terrible kind of lost comparing to the others. And I think I will never learn how to handle and face it gracefully. "Not to piss it away", maybe that's what I should keep in mind!

Before I Pray... It is Done nicely

Bonjour! I am a happy girl! My friend L resigned yesterday. So today she is free and offers to unpack for me at my new home. Believe it or not, yesterday I was sitting in the middle of the sitting room and feeling so moody. Cos I am not capable to unpack the carton boxes that are all piled up. Before I pray to God, he already sent F, who is a patient housewife. She takes good care of me making lunch and buying supper for me. 80% of stuffs are nicely arranged within 4 hours. Give thanks to the one with nice arrangement for me...always......

"Journey" Lyrics by Corrinne May

It's a long long journey Till I know where I'm supposed to be It's a long long journey And I don't know if I can believe When shadows fall and block my eyes I am lost and know that I must hide It's a long long journey Till I find my way home to you Many days I've spent Drifting on through empty shores Wondering what's my purpose Wondering how to make me strong I know I will falter I know I will cry I know you'll be standing by my side It's a long long journey And I need to be close to you Sometimes it feels no one understands I don't even know why I do the things I do When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul Will you break down these walls and pull me through Cause It's a long long journey Till I feel that I am worth the price You paid for me on calvary Beneath those stormy skies When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes It feels like everything is out to make me lose control It's a long long journey Till I find my way home to you To you

That's what friends' are for

Friends are valuable and I always treasure. As my leg is hurt and can't move now, my friend J is helping me to pack every stuff in my house. Not only that, she prays for me, calls to check my status, she also volunteers to be in charge in moving for me.

Not long ago when my dog left me, she spent time with me everyday, slept over at my place and made me stay in her home. She rent comedy for me and prepared breakfast when I stayed at her place. She talked with me, prayed with me and she got sick after many sleepless nights with me.

I thanks God for friendship I have.

The children of my Friends

The 1st of May, Y couple brings their little kid to MF visiting me. He is 20 months old now. He is very talkative now such as calling my name. But this time, I find him only want to be with their parents now. Seeing him growing, I feel the time flies. When will I have my own?

You are my Sunshine

I know this song when I was a kid. Very lovely and happy melody, very sweet lyrics. But it becomes so sad when I listen to it again. I want to dedeicate this song to him. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey; you'll never know dear how much I love you; please don't take my sunshine away. The other night dear as I lay sleeping; I dreamed I held you in my arms; when I awoke dear I was mistaken; and I held my head and cried. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey; you'll never know dear how much I love you; please don't take my sunshine away. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey; you'll never know dear how much I love you; Please don't take my sunshine away. Please don't take my sunshine away. Please don't take my sunshine away. Please don't take my sunshine away.

Going back to childhood

Leg got hurt. Can't go to work. Can't go back to my own home. Mother insists to take care of me and make me stay at her place. Suddenly, it's like going back to my childhood under mother's guardiance. Freeman like me, I am not sure if I will be fine with that. In fact, I worry! So far so good! Kind of enjoy being taken care of that I don't have to make any decision of what I eat, what I do next. I sleep early and get up early. More importantly, I have chance to talk about life and religion with parents. Care free and being spoiled are maybe what I really need this moment. Thanks God for knowing what I need.

Bad Hospital Experience

It is now about 4pm. I am queuing for check-up my injured knee at a public hospital.

Broken a right leg is not fun. I can't put on trousers and socks myself. I can't go out alone. It is yellow rain today. A few stairs give me headache already. It's not easy to get a cap on the slippery street. Getting on the cap is also hard for me because my leg can't bend. I have to take the whole back seat. Getting off with all my effort. So tired when waiting for the lift. Finally I get to the x-ray department. Totally one hour I have waited and everyone goes before me. Mom urged them twice but still we have to wait. My leg is pain. But when the technician asked me to turn over and over when taking the x-ray. He should know my leg can't bend but he asked me to??? Bad experience!

The doctor just said I need another 3 weeks to recover.... je suis triste!

A Visit to Poor Villages in YunNam, China

I grew up using "Hello Kitty" stationary. Dad drove me to school everyday with his Mercedes. Lacking parental care and companionship, I must admit I didn't know what is poverty. When I studied aboard, I began fall in love with travelling - big cities with high rises, new technologies, museums and opera house, Disneyland, giant shopping centers, etc. Lately, I find new interest in nature and historical monuments, but still, poor villages are never on my list. My friends and my schoolmates, they all addict in life style - purchasing brand clothing and accessaries, investing in properties, trading latest model cell phone, digital camera and Mac, travelling and clubbing. We, the group with greatest ability, spend most of our time in fulfilling our material desires. Never one second, we care for the needy. I am grateful that I have this chance to YunNam. A non-profit organization brought us , a group of 20 peoples, to poor villages in YunNam. Our goal is to help out the poor financially and gospelling. Seeing the poor is not shocking to me. But I get more than I thought from this trip. My life is more meaningful and widen. My perception of money and material is more in depth. I feel I have more inside that to give to people who need and to God. I am more grateful to what I have. I felt and hurt my knee the second last day. It's so bad that I fainted. My friend F and the leader brought me to hospital. When the doctor said the bone was broken, F cried. The first time I see her cry after knowing her for almost 15years. I never know she loves me that much! Thanks for prayers, colleagues for taking my workload, friends' care and visits, parents' care, and peace from above. All the love around me...

A Friend is....

A Friend is.... 朋友就是 .... Accepts you as you are 接受原本的你 Believes in "you" 相信你這個人 Calls you just to say "Hi" 打電話給你就是想說聲"嗨" Doesn't give up on you 從不放棄對你的信心 Envisions the whole of you 預期你總是盡全力 Forgives your mistakes 原諒你的過錯 Gives unconditionally 無條件地過錯 Helps you 幫助你 Invites you over 邀請你 Just "be" with you 靜靜地在你的身旁 Keeps you close at heart 靠近你的心 Loves you for who you are 因你原來的樣子而愛你 Makes a difference in your life 使你的生活與以往不同 Never judges 不間斷 Offers support 支持你 Picks you up 扶你一把 Quiets your fears 止息你的懼怕 Raises your spirits 鼓舞你的心靈 Says nice things about you 跟別人述說你好的那一面 Tells you the truth when you need to hear it 當需要時會告訴你實情 Understands you 懂你 Values you 看重你 Walks beside you 與你同行 X-plains things you don't understand 解你的疑惑 Yells when you won't listen and... 在你聽不下時會大吼一下 Zaps you back to reality 把你拉回現實

Now I know how much I love you...

Jason darling, I miss you so much! You left leaving an empty whole in my heart There is no one to give me warm welcome when I am home No one to share my sofa when I had my dinner No one to listen to me when I am tired of the people around No one to walk on the beach with me when there is sunshine No one to appreciate my massage There's been almost four years that we've been together Have I ever tell you or show you how much I love you? I am so regret... I should have say it to you everyday If I have one more chance, I would give the world to you Jason darling, I will always miss you Not letting anyone to replace you ... in my heart You always wanted to be my most beloved one I ensure you that you will always be, forever!

Goodbye to my dearest friend

Dear Friends, I am heartbroken to tell you that my dog is gone. His brain was infected by unknown disease and had no response to treatment on March20 morning and he passed away at 4pm. I held his body and cried but he had left anyhow. He born in 2002April and would be 4-years-old next month. He is a adorable, clever, kind and loyal dear friend of me, my friends and my family. We have many wonderful memories with him. Please don't forget him and the moments he gave. And I wish I could see him again someday in heaven.

Finding the One

To we 30something gals, finding the one really needs some luck. We are independent, self sufficient, educated, international mind, career mind and afer all, we enjoy life itself. We know how to make ourselves happy. But no matter how success we are and how many friends we have to hang out all the time, we secretly desire love. Even the most grown-up lady believes in Mr.Right. There will be finally the one to save us from the cruel reality and make us princess again. Nope boys.. it's not a dream, it's a belief. A belief to fill up the gap between the reality bite and the fantasy world that only girls have. A treatment for the hard time we are facing at work and weddings. A motivation to improve ourselves. We are peut-etre quel que fois desperate. Mais we are not deccord to settle for the second best. A test to the one: 1. physically matched - outlook, professional, education, financial status, presentation, etc 2. charateristic matched - internal self 3. spiritually matched - soulmate! the matching in spritual needs and chasing I was told that, men will go for any obstacle if he really likes you. So if he is not aggressive enough or looks hesitate, he is just not that into you. If that is true, aiya sisters don't we ever give them excuse anymore! Don't waste time on these men.

Are All Men Greedy?!

I thought I was dating that divorce man. But I just find out he wants something else than me. Well, I am taking care of his 2 dogs now. They are like daughters to him. I can understand how dear they are to him. But it isn't necessary for him to play only with them whenever he visits and totally ignoring me. He shows no interests in communicating with me, knowing more about me or spying for what I like and want. I feel really bad about it. It's either he is a selfish stone or social handicap. I have been given him chances and have my heart open for him. I am hurt now and I will close the door soon if he doesn't show a progress. If he only cares about his dogs and wanna find them a responsible nanny, it's ok. But please don't try to hold my hand or say he misses me. Hate those confusing message he is passing to me. Are they all that greedy, taking advantage from girl's care? Another one breaking my heart, telling me how well he knows me. Keeping me but with no action. I treat him as friend and share my feeling over the divorce man with him. He took the chance to tell me he likes me. How dare him!!! I was just going out with him and his girl the other night. Now he told me he likes me but he finds himself not good enough for me. Tricks!!! Low-tech tricks!!! Greedy for girls. Guys!!!

Anthony Wong's Concert

It was a glamorous night! Anthony Wong - musicican with elegant music style has been contribute to canton pop for years. It was a concert Anthony crossover with the Hong Kong Ochestra. Suprisingly, it was totally match. Both sophisticated, precise, yet creative. All songs are familiar but being picked carefully. Together with the stage decor in theme of time and number. The costumes convey lots of messages: war and peace, life and death, living in present. I personally enjoy the merge of classical to pop including Mozart and Chopin. Brilliant!!! Overall it was an enjoyable and quality night.

Dating a divorce

Recently, I have been dating with a divorced man who owns a company himself. Very different from others, he is more gentle, generous, confident. Being with him, I have a very comfortable feeling. To be just silent sitting next to him does not make me feel awkward. He planned everything on the date and so I can just relax and enjoy. I like that especially not many men would do so when dating in Hong Kong. Very few of them have opinion. I mean real opinion not self centering. Sincerely, I don't find him attractive when I saw him. It's the way he talks, the manner he shows that make me applause. Also the career mind of him actually give him more marks. Well, he is also quite strategic. He sent me sms everyday (sometimes twice a day). He catched me on msn when I was working. He let me know he wanted to see me next time in every date.

Today, I was seeing him again. We started the topic of my religion. More precisely, he was offending my belief. From bottom of my heart, I shouted, "boy! He just hit my bottom line". I think I became bitchy then. I am not happy with this date. I just begin to fall for him and that happened. I don't know if it's a good thing or bad one. Maybe it's good to know we are not matched with each other from the very beginning. Or should I give him another chance. I don't know...... But at least for one thing I know is that, I don't feel that comfortable anymore.

The More I Cherish, the Easier I lose it! Always!

Just two day before the year of 2006, I lost my favorite necklace! I have never think about it but when I lost it, I knew that it was so very much important to me. The important part isn't the physical thing but the meaning behind. End of 2004, I was having stomach problem. Except spoiling food with no oil and seasoning, I got serious stomach ache after each meal. It was just killing me and I was depress and given up myself because of my health condition. I was hopeless and suprisingly at that time, mother for the very first time gave me very suitable support and care. She was seeing doctor with me. Talking about it with me. Being with me when I got pain and showed sympathy. Then one evening when we were dining out, she gave me this diamond cross pendant necklace. It is not just that. It is her motherhood, love, support, and knowing me (religious needs and the fond of jewels. Long for this gift for so long and I really treasure it. I lost it a year after! What I did then surprised myself. I searched for it in the middle to the night until wild dogs barked me home. The other morning, I took a day off and searched again in the district. I went to 2 police stations to report the lost. I prayed for someone getting it back to me. I begin to know more about myself. Things that I don't want to admit. I love my mother and my family. I long for thier caring and love. I am afraid to lose them. I may not know how to handle if I have to lose them one day. I am in a stage that require family supports. I pray for their health and our relationship getting better and better. I remind myself for not wasting time to not express my caring towards them.

Detached!

Having been a single for years, it was not easy, especially during festivals. Valentine's day is humiliating for sure. Even Christmas, supposed to be celebrating Jesus unconditional love, has becoming another valentine's day. Following will be the New Year eve with no one to celebrate with, kiss with, hug with and to looking forward to a new year together. Chinese New Year is also hard for us. Relatives keep asking you to get yourself married soon. "Don't be picky! Time is up! Bla bla bla..." Meanwhile, more friends are giving you red pocket money. Being the only one qualified to get red pocket money in your peer is scary. Getting out of town is one solution but to whom I can go with? Well, the only thing I hope is they don't ask their first born child to give me the red pocket money one day. Feeling so detached to the city. So crowded yet so lonely. Of course there are many of us that I know for sure. But I wonder where they are and whether it is a club for us so we can get some discounts to dine or to shop that could at least ease some of our pain. The question is when will it end? No one know. Aging with less hope. The whole society forces us to be so desperate. I wish I were a man. They don't have the pressure. Not at work, not from family. They are quality singles but we are fading. No wonder reports said singles get comparatively shorter life, single women particularly! God blesses we single women!

Work Hard, Play Hard?!

My philosophy: work hard, play hard. Many say it. Very few can do it. The problem is to get the balance. Some work too much. Some lose their mind in playing.

I am basically a lay back person. I excuse for my health condition. Then decorate it with lifestyle. Well, you know... coffee, jazz, wine, cozy home, relationship, bla bla bla.... Recently, I found that I am much more healthier than I thought. And I found lifestyle alone can't present the texture of life. A rich and fruitful life is not that simple.

Whenever I feel not happy with my life, I begin to work work work. Try to get satisfaction from achievement. Short-term or long term goals... Goal setting, planning, progress to success is what I do to fulfill my mind and empty feeling.

Falling into the trap of BUSY- being under satan's yoke, I eventually lose myself. At last I usually find my soul in relationships, karaoke, bars and moody. Hopefully, Jesus would come pick me up. Drive me home. Pack me to sleep. Feed me with love and wisdom words. The Lord is my sherperd I shall not want!

Jesus says to me recently, "Come be with me. Talk to me. Play with me. Play seriously but not be afraid to gain or lose. Listen to me with heart. Share with me. Let me participate in your daily life. I want to give you a richer and more fruitful life." Waiting for my reply... ...

Homeless Girl

For unknown reason, I've been always feel like being a homeless. No root, insecure, too adapted, and too enjoy home of others. Making a summary of my footprint so far, here comes my route. Prince Edward -> MeiFoo -> Robinson Rd -> back to MeiFoo -> Kamloops->Fresno->MeiFoo again->Antibes->Paris->MeiFoo->Yuet Sau->SanPoKong Plaza->Fairway Garden->SaiKung Recently, I've been moving every 2 years. Moving is not that tiring. Instead it's very much exciting for having new environment to live in that symbolizes a new life. I like that feeling. Then I am more and more into home decor. To turn a cruel plain house into a cozy home is a very fun part of moving. Of course shopping around for home decor stuffs plays an important role. It's like getting to know a new friend. From feeling distant to getting comfortable, it's very exotic. It can become anything, any style, any mood depends on how I do with it. Different curtain can bring out a total different character of the house. But I must confess from time to time, I feel homeless. After all the "adjouter" of my taste to the house, I still feel empty. Because there was no one to wait for me at home. Every time I open the door with my key, I couldn't expect someone to welcome me with hug. There was no dinner waiting for me. No one to share the laugh and tears during the soap opera marathon. I am homeless even though I have my own home with over 1000 sq fts. Even that, before I can change my status, zipping my caffeine-free herbal tea with honey with "boy meets girl" would give me some comfort for a while.