Since the war I survive from, still in recovery period. Scary memory hit me frequently. Must accept it. No more stupid thoughts. Loneliness is swallowing me. No more meaningless "if". I refuse to sink into the dark deep ocean. It's a day of art. Museum and piano lesson ease a bit. It'll be over very soon. By then I will love as a normal girl again. I will!

Went to a wedding. Faced people I've been hiding from for years. I bought 2 dresses got really panic when the time get close. A million times thinking of not going. But the groom is one of my very best. He really wanted me to celebrate with him. Ending up, no big deal. I am mature enough, strong enough to handle. I even can chit chat with Mr computer. Nice! I got no bad feeling against him anymore. Really! But the news Mr C got married and a son really knock me off. I so wanted to believe that his love is only for me lifetime. That we are meant to end up with each other. That he is incapable to love anyone else. Thinking of him caring his wife break my heart. The next day, the hangover (non-alchool) got me really bad. That I skip church and ask my sis for sos pray. I cry for my sin hurting other all these years. I realize I am the one hurting other not that I used to think I am the victim. I was relief after praying. That night, I pray for everyone I met at the banquet. especially the one I once loved. sincerely I wish them all the best from God. Now only thing left in my heart, is that I am alone. That I really wish God has already prepare for me. And I am ready for him. and I am capable of loving him not hurthing him, torturing him. God please help me and lead me the way. Thanks God for sis to pray with and for me. Thanks for forgiven my sin. Thanks for the relief. Thanks for friend's support. thanks for love from family. thanks for hope and faith. thanks.

A sermon from the church of my cousin, inspired me to write a book of a collection of testimony of different ordinary christians. It'll be brief and with about 30-40 testimonies. Nothing dramatic but stuff from daily life experiensing our lovely God. my thought for now.

When we came to a proper ages, wedding is heading to you few times a year. Well I must admit wedding susks! Because like a merry-go-round, just never once my turn. Wed of new friends are still standable like the one I just got back from. A wed of my church friends, few years younger than me, just got happily ever after. Still some confuse feeling deep down. Can't even tell what it is. An even worse one, coming this month, an old u buddy (quite close friend of mine) asked me to be the bridemaid of his bride. His first girlfriend who he met after his 30 become his wife now. How amazing it that. That he got walk on the carpet before me. But that's not the reason I escape from his wed, it's the guest list. Pretty scary to me that 3 of my ex will probably be there. I guess the bravest girl got chicken in this situation. Especially still in her single and mingle stage. God help me out!

Regular liver check-up today. Same old comment from doctor. Nothing better nothing worse. Bouffff... I actually keep hoping to stop medication. But Doctor Cheung seems to find my idea not feasible. Unless I plan to pregnant, otherwise it's not wise to take the risk. In other word, pregnant becomes risky to me. Hearing that, I feel my frozen heart. Of course I got no plan for now on pregnancy. But I do look forward to a family of my own with kids in the picture. On the way home in the cap, I look above, inside screaming, I beg God for giving me a chance to practise love in my own family. To give me another chance to love again. To give me a chance to learn motherhood and experience the unconditional love as a mother ...