I know my temper get worse recently. For no reason. Maybe I ve been waiting too long for things. I can smell the danger. I dont want to regret again. I have no solution. I tried play, relax, talk, pray, do something good. But nothing help. The feeling just comes up suddenly. When I see him wandering, starring at me, doing stupid thing. at the moment I hate him no love inside. It's scary for I can't control myself. I really need help.

Everyone gets new job except me. What's the problem with me? Not trying hard enough? Trying too hard? Not letting go my own desire? Am I being punished? Or some really great and special plan will be happening on me? buff.... never been that frustrated. Waiting..I spend years to wait... wondering when will it end.. the things I want for all these years. nothing for me. sick of happy for others. sick of hiding and pray. faith is shaking again.

I ve got tanned on Sunday. The weather was great. We four pretty at the beach were surely the stars. Hehe. The water was salt yet calm enough. I brought a kiddy float for fun. Crossing the nature arche by boat was fun and advanture. I guess all of us could enjoy the day and I was happy. J talked a lot about her romance recently. Jealous but still hoping the best go to her. Lying on the sand, feeling you own the world. So tired but worth.

Fail in Diet

2 days on diet. Give in today. So hungry and low in energy after helping at bookfair. Original plan is to have rice noodle and vegie at home. But then... get fast food and snack from Seven. Seeing my tummy and regreting right now. Slimming is the life long project for women. We women are very tragic. Never a moment we deeply in love with ourselves. Not hating the figure, hate pimple, hate leg not long enough, hate shoulder not wide and skinny enough. One time success in dieting, does not mean life time success. Poor us! Too worry to be called pork chop. Aging, extra pad worries us more severely. Love the planet, love the ocean, love your country, love your career... how about loving yourself?! Love the way you are. Love every stage of life. Love the changes physically as well as mentally. Love to be lack, love to be not perfect. Yeah and that is really loving yourself by not putting yourself in comparing with others. Nonsense! Coz everyone is unique no matter what they told you. (okee now I feel better with the chips :P)

Harry Potter 2nd last movie

Just get back from cinema. A free Harry Potter movie. Almost 2 hours sitting there, expecting an ending by misunderstanding (well, it's the book released for the ending, movie not yet). Not knowing if this is the reason, this time I will call it boring and artificial. Trying so hard to put the audience in excitement but sorry it's totally boring. Shallow too unlike the previous ones. Magic scenes too artificial lack of creativity. Body falls apart giving a sense of incomplete, messy and watching whole lot of broken pieces of scenes. Conclusion: disappointing! Not only myself but general survey afterward. Give it s second thought, can we blame anyone? The theme this time is human heart choosing from good and bad intention. Our brain, our thoughts are never well organized. Never with sequences. Never controlled. The movie makes me deeper feel the war every minutes in our heart that we fight for dignity, truth and righteousness. However, most of the time, we give in to the dark. Only friendship, love, trust, parenthood, encouragement, etc remind us of our power to fight back, to hang on, to stick with the good side. I shall not give in too easy, no matter what circumstances I am in.

Firefly encounter

S and I go a trip of nature observation this weekend. It was almost 35c degree. When my sweat running down at my back, I feel like I was the an ice-cream melting. Other than that, I like it very much. First we go to red bush seeing special species of insects and plants. Footprint on the shore to find the star fish. Guide tells us star fish can be with 5/6/8 legs according to the temperature of water. Cute! I tell S that I actually saw a large area of shore full of star shape on it. Those were all star fishes color from blue, purple to grey. It was stunning. And I realize how graceful I was to live by the nature for 2 years in SK. The guide shows us a kind of crab with white purple hand always unconsciously raising up like lifting. They are really tiny and if you are patient enough, you'll see many of them doing the lifting extremely funny. They call it Worship-crab! After seafood super, we go catch firefly. First time I see it really expecting them. Seriously, you've got to have enough faith to see it. Coz not many of them. Their lights are tiny and weak. You trust there are, you got patient and wait and be quiet, there you go you spot them. There is no word to describe it when you see them flying in the dark. O I love the Creator of the nature. My heart is screaming to heaven. Hmm I got to see them again sometime.

It is a moody day to me. In the piano lesson, I got really frustrated repeating the notes. I was asked why I looked so annoyed. Hey, what do I know! Counted the days, not period. Check my spiritual chart, not that low for I kept pray and reading bible almost everyday. What is it then? Maybe cousin's sad news are pulling me down? Maybe job hunting hit me real hard on my face? Maybe hormone is calling and no way out? God knows. I ask God, no reply this time. Headache is killing me. Lying in sofa, turn on msn. Chat a little, check some emails. Call F to check out something. Ah ha! She needs me right there. She was struggling with in potential affair. Dangerous!!!! My soul is all awaked. Consume all my mind set and dig out all bible learning and lifely spiritual experience to pull her out. Stand her up. Strengthen her. Remind her not alone and victory we already are! There I go. I got all awake and boredom all gone. Maybe the down is meant for pushing me to make this call? Maybe this call is to wake me up from unreasonable mood? God knows. But I give thanks for I am single. For I am free to choose. For the spare time and mind to refresh and feel God every movement on me.

Sexual Purity at St Andrew church

Daddy is very into elegant, classic stuff. To keep bringing him to Jesus, I brought him to the St Andrew Church yesterday for an evening service. The building conveys a grand and noble atmostphere. But the band is leading contempo christian music. Quite a scene! After 6, more come in. Mostly english-speaking chinese, some foreigners. I found their dressing very much different from ordinary chinese church. The usher was wearing a sporty bra top with a mesh sweater on top. I was not suprised indeed I felt comfy here. The whole service was in english. Daddy couldn't understant a word but suprisingly he kept awake the whole time. I believe God was there with us no matter the language barrier. Once again, I experience whenever I thought I am doing for other and God, I would be the one to be benefit. The sermon was about sexual purity! Where still I am stuggling at everyday. God is reminding me his standard in this area. Can't inherit God's land! Preacher compared sex perception of "modern" to perception of God.

We think sex is like chocolate God thinks sex is like ahcohol We think freedom to do God thinks fall into sin trap We think do for love God thinks silly excuse just like "kill for hateress" We think natural desire God thinks sex is greedy I appreciate the music that touched my heart, the pray for the single getting over the loneliness, the holybread sharing dipping into real wine is the very first time I do in such way. Surely will go back some sunday.