An Endless Road

I am in the middle of the road. A road with no end. I have no idea where it goes. There is nothing on the side and I am all alone. It is hot and dry but I feel so free and alone. I feel like I can be anything anyone. But I don't know what I should be. From time to time, I feel like drowning and I almost lose my breath. I never shout for help because I know it is useless. Maybe I am afraid that no one will give a shit to even look at me. Or I had too many experience of dead end communication. Eventhough I tried so hard to express what I am feeling inside, there seems to be no one totally understand. No one ever has enough patient to wait until he really understand. People like to catagorize the others. We don't want to believe that everyone is unique. For our own convenience, we just hear a few sentenses and put the conclusion right there. It is so cruel especially to people who are really desperate like me. Maybe I am like the gay couples in Six Feet Under. I am almost believing that I am not good enough or lucky enough to have someone to stay with me. I mean like staying with me taking in all my good and bad and really be with me eventhough sometimes it's not enjoyable. To stay with me just because he thinks I worth! Do we have to be that perfect to be worthy? God tells us no matter what we did or who we are, he loves us so dearly. That should build our self esteem. Rationally, yes! But when people around you are so insensitive, demanding, judgemental and realistic, is it possible to not let them drag you down?

Is it "Six Feet Under" or Me?

Staying at home, I become a couch potato and watching SIX FEET UNDER. I am so attached to it now. It's like speaking for me for what I couldn't express for all thses years. It's so familiar yet there're so many new angles from life. Inspiring! I only want to live with a meaning! But I scare of dying so badly. And I have no confident and concrete idea of the meaning. The feeling is so weired. It's like rootless, lack of motivation, no persistancy, yet super sensitive. I can feel tons of anger inside me. It's like a bomb ready to explose in any second. I have been fucked up once. It was totally out of control and I am so regret. But then what can I do to myself. Life has to be go on. The age of giving up my life is over. Now, I should be mature enough to face all that shit. It's my own problem that I have to handle it well. I am stucked. Just like every single characters in SIX FEET UNDER. So no way out yet so scare of death.

I'm afraid of relationship. Can never get into real intimacy, to family, friends and lovers, and even to God. Have been hiding myself for too long. And now, I am incapable to pull the true self together and show my true color. Especially I can't do it in front of people I love and care. I am so fucked up. Six months of therapy, lifted me up a bit but ... am afraid it's all gone now. I need another injection so I can live at least with some energy.

How will it be this birthday

I have no idea how long my leg will be totally fine. It begins to drive me crazy. My birthday is coming and I have to tied up at home going nowhere. I can't even get myself to work that I have to work at home. Boy, it's so boring and not healthy in terms of social life. I need to be surounded with friends and strangers especially in summer. Otherwise, my spirit get easily dried up. Have been seeing doctor for 2 months. Got my 1st physiotherapy done yesterday. It was so not a good experience. He rubbed my knee and it hurt so much. He bended my leg until I couldn't stand the pain. Yesterday night, my knee was swelling and burning. Now I am ordered to bend my knee everyday as much as I can. Feeling really bad about it. I want to see the movie "Da Vinci Code". But I can't go anywhere. Wanna buy nice lighting and a bookshelf but again, I am a prison now! Beginning to feel like isolating myself again. I am worrying about my mental health...

Home Sweet Home

Finally, I live in my own home. I bought it last year. It was a total short-term investment. Not what I plan for, now I got myself into mortgage and moved into it. Since the original idea is for investment, it is so not my dream home. The location, the size, the view are all not what I can settle for. However, it's not for us to choose most of the time in our life. Now what I do is to enjoy docorating my new home, and to try my very best to agree with it. I have been renting apartment for 6 years. Well, say HK$7000 a month for the rent, I have thrown away HK$504,000. In Hong Kong, purchasing properties is what people do when they have enough down payment. However, a loner as me, I never wanted to get myself tied with bank for the rest of my life. But now that I became one of them, maybe it's a chance to safe money for future. Maybe, I gotta grow up now and be compromised. Maybe, it's time to learn commiment - to human beings and ... to the bank!

I'll Be Missing You

Once I went to a pub. The band was playing this song. The house is hot. Everyone is so high and is dancing like crazy. But when I really listen to the song...there is a sad story behind. What an ironic scene! It is an old song "Every Breath you take" by "The Police" in 1983. In 1997, a hip hop legend The Notorious B.I.G. was murdered. In memory of him, the song is rewrote and presented by Puff Daddy featuring his widow Faith Evans same year. It was a number-one hit single record. Different from many love songs, this one is a friend writing to a dead buddy. The love exceeds life and death. The love does not limited to men and women love, but friendship love, colleague love, and the respect to one's achievement. I really love the lyrics. Totally written out the pain of losing a beloved one. That wish to be able to go back in time. That the pleasant memories of hanging out together all ran out. That feel so hard to believe that it really had happened. That the missing will never be ended.

Yet, using the hip hop beat and light hearted melody, it doesn't convey a heavy feeling at all. Between the lyrics, can see the writer's hope out of the death. He believe his friend went to heaven. And that someday they will meet again. And also he believes in his friend for his work will always make a positive influence to people although he is physically absent. Share with you! Click for the music video http://www.singingfool.com/player.asp?publishedid=00236014 I'll Be Missing You - by Puff Daddy

[Intro: Puff Daddy] Yeah... this right here (tell me why) Goes out, to everyone, that has lost someone That they truly loved (c'mon, check it out) [Verse One: Puff Daddy] Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show I laced the track, you locked the flow So far from hangin on the block for dough Notorious, they got to know that Life ain't always what it seem to be (uh-uh) Words can't express what you mean to me Even though you're gone, we still a team Through your family, I'll fulfill your dream (that's right) In the future, can't wait to see If you'll open up the gates for me Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend (uh-huh) Try to black it out, but it plays again When it's real, feelings hard to conceal Can't imagine all the pain I feel Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath) I know you still living your life, after death [Chorus: Faith Evans] Every step I take, every move I make Every single day, every time I pray I'll be missing you Thinkin of the day, when you went away What a life to take, what a bond to break I'll be missing you [Puff] I miss you Big [Verse Two: Puff Daddy] It's kinda hard with you not around (yeah) Know you in heaven smilin down (eheh) Watchin us while we pray for you Every day we pray for you Til the day we meet again In my heart is where I'll keep you friend Memories give me the strength I need (uh-huh) to proceed Strength I need to believe My thoughts Big I just can't define (can't define) Wish I coul turn back the hands of time Us in the six, shop for new clothes and kicks You and me taking flicks Makin hits, stages they receive you on Still can't believe you're gone (can't believe you're gone) Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath) I know you still living you're life, after death [Chorus] [Faith Evans] Somebody tell me why [Interlude: Faith Evans] One black morning When this life is over I know I'll see your face [Outro: 112] Every night I pray, every step I take Every move I make, every single day Every night I pray, every step I take [Puff] Every day that passes Every move I make, every single day [Puff] Is a day that I get closer [Puff] To seeing you again Every night I pray, every step I take [Puff] We miss you Big... and we won't stop Every move I make, every single day [Puff] Cause we can't stop... that's right Every night I pray, every step I take Every move I make, every single day [Puff] We miss you Big [Chorus 2X with variations] [Chorus 1X with interlude 2X over the top to fade]

Lust or Love

For once I doubt that I was a borned slut!I have the thought of having sex with a man on the first date. I would put on erotic underwear eventhough...I enjoy sleeping nude,love dirty talk, desire sex when I am down or stressed and easily get turned on by sex scene... Well, in our society, these are not good sign! I worry that bad men can see through me and I will eventually only being attracted to players. But deep down I know what I want is true love. Fairy tale love! A man who cherishes me, supports me, shares his life with me, knows how to settle me and desires me! Afterall, I think lust is fine but love is better. Maybe my body tells me it's time for reproduction and so I become so lusty. It's not me, it's my left brain!!

Thank You List

Yesterday, I finally moved! Thanks for the supporting group. Also the moving company, Kai Kai moving, is very professional and kind. I don't have to go at all just making a few phone call arrangement. Now that the key is returned to landlord and I am relief. Coz I don't have to pay both rent and mortgage. Save me a lot. I love my new home!! Thanks God for giving me so much, not only stuffs I want but also friendship and kindness around me.

Hurray! My new home is ready to live! With a broken leg, this was definitely a huge project. However, thanks to all friends and family, I don't have to move a finger. My new home is very nice and cozy. Only need a little more decoration, I can move in. I can feel love in this house already. Thank you list: thanks J for packing and moving for me thanks Nel for all the reminders and assist in moving thanks V to assist in moving thanks F for unpacking and arranging thanks Mz - audio & video set-up thanks dad for all the supporting and care.

Learning to Lose

Throughout our life, we are taught how to accomplish, gain, get, win, achieve. Never once there is someone telling us how to lose. To lose the stuffs we long for and the people we love dearly. Unfortunately, we all have to face it one day no matter we know or don't know how to. I have a few experience in losing, first a Rolex, then a boyfriend, and then my grandma, then my health. But I've never learnt the lesson because I tend to escape. Not this time God allows me to get away so easy. My pet died accidentally in desease. From seeing him struggling on me, bringing him to the vet, watching him moaning unconsciously, and finally holding his dead body in my arm, I can do nothing but pray desperately for a chance to get him alive. He'd still gone! No matter how much I can pay for or how many tears I drop for him, he had been gone. This is lost! Forever lost. Never could see him again. No matter how much I want him back or how much I miss him. In the first episode of Six Feet Under, Nate said to the blaming father of a 6-year-old dead child, "Everybody dies. No matter how many people you punch, it wouldn't change the fact. Your chance to be in his life is over. Did you do it well or you just pissed it away! And your own fucking clock is ticking too." I guess dying is the most terrible kind of lost comparing to the others. And I think I will never learn how to handle and face it gracefully. "Not to piss it away", maybe that's what I should keep in mind!

Before I Pray... It is Done nicely

Bonjour! I am a happy girl! My friend L resigned yesterday. So today she is free and offers to unpack for me at my new home. Believe it or not, yesterday I was sitting in the middle of the sitting room and feeling so moody. Cos I am not capable to unpack the carton boxes that are all piled up. Before I pray to God, he already sent F, who is a patient housewife. She takes good care of me making lunch and buying supper for me. 80% of stuffs are nicely arranged within 4 hours. Give thanks to the one with nice arrangement for me...always......

"Journey" Lyrics by Corrinne May

It's a long long journey Till I know where I'm supposed to be It's a long long journey And I don't know if I can believe When shadows fall and block my eyes I am lost and know that I must hide It's a long long journey Till I find my way home to you Many days I've spent Drifting on through empty shores Wondering what's my purpose Wondering how to make me strong I know I will falter I know I will cry I know you'll be standing by my side It's a long long journey And I need to be close to you Sometimes it feels no one understands I don't even know why I do the things I do When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul Will you break down these walls and pull me through Cause It's a long long journey Till I feel that I am worth the price You paid for me on calvary Beneath those stormy skies When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes It feels like everything is out to make me lose control It's a long long journey Till I find my way home to you To you

That's what friends' are for

Friends are valuable and I always treasure. As my leg is hurt and can't move now, my friend J is helping me to pack every stuff in my house. Not only that, she prays for me, calls to check my status, she also volunteers to be in charge in moving for me.

Not long ago when my dog left me, she spent time with me everyday, slept over at my place and made me stay in her home. She rent comedy for me and prepared breakfast when I stayed at her place. She talked with me, prayed with me and she got sick after many sleepless nights with me.

I thanks God for friendship I have.

The children of my Friends

The 1st of May, Y couple brings their little kid to MF visiting me. He is 20 months old now. He is very talkative now such as calling my name. But this time, I find him only want to be with their parents now. Seeing him growing, I feel the time flies. When will I have my own?

You are my Sunshine

I know this song when I was a kid. Very lovely and happy melody, very sweet lyrics. But it becomes so sad when I listen to it again. I want to dedeicate this song to him. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey; you'll never know dear how much I love you; please don't take my sunshine away. The other night dear as I lay sleeping; I dreamed I held you in my arms; when I awoke dear I was mistaken; and I held my head and cried. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey; you'll never know dear how much I love you; please don't take my sunshine away. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey; you'll never know dear how much I love you; Please don't take my sunshine away. Please don't take my sunshine away. Please don't take my sunshine away. Please don't take my sunshine away.