Strength

What is strength? To be able to get what you want? men, jobs, money, friends, high standard of living...etc. To be pretty and independence? To own property and make profit? Being charm in front of your friends? To be able to boss around? To win in every fight every debate? Pretend to know what you want for life and dare to get it? Dare to bungy jump? Dare to confront the authority? To hide in the cave when hurt and actually need a hand? Then appear woundless and pretend nothing can hurt me? To avoid deep talk? Not need a man of my own? To live alone and well being? To buy a couple of expensive stuff? Huh! Recently I feel so weak inside. vis-a-vis I get to know myself. I am NOT strong! I might be able to achieve all of the above. But I am so fragile, with so limited survival skill in relationship. I'm such a chicken in front of true human. I am so good in inhumanity and so childish in humanity living. I was such an abuse kid and I'm such a adult child. I'm strong to most people but I'm telling u I'm pathetic! Without God, I have no hope at all! How can I face all these at once by myself??? God grace on me. Don't ever take your eyes off me for one second... then... one day after the other... I'll be more complete.

Now I learn about humanity

For now I know how inhuman I've been living.
I was desperate for love.
But when I held it in my hand, I ruined it.
When I wanted, I pushed away. Whom I cared, I hurt.
I laughed when I was weeping inside.
I was unsatisfied but couldn't name it.
I felt silly to reveal my true feeling so I addicted in craving for stuffs that's harmful to my humanity.
I took risk on meaningless and I was proud.
But then I was afraid to risk for meaningful intimacy in relationships.
I told myself relationship diminish your strength.
Yes I believed I was so strong that nothing could stop me!

God awaked me!
Now I'm reborn and full of true strength.
My heart overflows with joy and love.
I shout out and say hello to love! Hello to hope!
And hello to the me who had been buried for all these years.
My naked soul feels great to stretch out.
God promises to protect me from any harm so why bother.
I figure I was born this way ... a bit naive, very frank, sometimes wicked but will regret.
I believe in possibility in change.
My eyes are wide open for the virtue in human.
Every thing and person I encounter with is so beautiful.
All I wanna do is to shout out loud to my holy father that I know he's loving me
and so do I.