Have been addicted to cyber sex the last week. So boring, lonely and feel like nothing can excite me more than sex. However, too dare to have real sex with just anyone. Cyber in this case is the best solution.
After the first time I get into the chatroom, I fell in it. I go back whenever I have time and I would give up sleep for that. You never know what happen that night. Whether a good partner will show up or a lousy one. It is one fun part of the game.
There is one very good one make my night. We chat all night long and tease each other and became so high. We both want it so much... we almost come out and do real. That was really great time although everything about ourselves might be fake.
But then I realize that I don't want reality anymore. I isolate myself from friends. Just want to chat with someone know for a second rather than someone care for me for years. Many stuff get pending because I rather spend time on chatroom. And... now I really want sex more than anything.
One thing very dangerous is that, I go further and further. Maybe I have no discipline at all. I go from chat online, to msn private chat, to msn voice chat, to phone chat. When one really aggressive chatmate ask me out, my heart actually wants to. O my, what if I really did that. Can't imagine how low and guilty I will feel. I am not the person who can accept myself like that. I've been going through all that before and it's not easy to turn around.
God, please show me the light, lead me the way, help me to resist the temptation so I can live healthily again. Saturday, July 15, 2006
Sexual Struggles
Have been addicted to cyber sex the last week. So boring, lonely and feel like nothing can excite me more than sex. However, too dare to have real sex with just anyone. Cyber in this case is the best solution.
After the first time I get into the chatroom, I fell in it. I go back whenever I have time and I would give up sleep for that. You never know what happen that night. Whether a good partner will show up or a lousy one. It is one fun part of the game.
There is one very good one make my night. We chat all night long and tease each other and became so high. We both want it so much... we almost come out and do real. That was really great time although everything about ourselves might be fake.
But then I realize that I don't want reality anymore. I isolate myself from friends. Just want to chat with someone know for a second rather than someone care for me for years. Many stuff get pending because I rather spend time on chatroom. And... now I really want sex more than anything.
One thing very dangerous is that, I go further and further. Maybe I have no discipline at all. I go from chat online, to msn private chat, to msn voice chat, to phone chat. When one really aggressive chatmate ask me out, my heart actually wants to. O my, what if I really did that. Can't imagine how low and guilty I will feel. I am not the person who can accept myself like that. I've been going through all that before and it's not easy to turn around.
God, please show me the light, lead me the way, help me to resist the temptation so I can live healthily again. 
Monday, July 10, 2006
Down Down Down
Achievement level: O
Frustration level: High
Think I am going through a depression. Or maybe the grieving stages. They said it takes at least 6 months for overcoming pet loss. I have no idea how long for me.
Plus I am trapped in the house. My world freezes for these months. Even worse for me.
Unable to go to work, am being quite isolated and distanced from colleagues whether on purpose or not. Of coures for few incidents that colleagues really disppointed me. Making me feel like not going back anymore.
So boring and depress and really need someone to hang out with. A also depressed friend also hang out with me these days is actually helping me out in shutting out people.
Meanwhile, addicted to cigarette again and adult chatroom. Know it's not healthy both physically and mentally. Yet life is a mess recently and no positive input.
"Colorgenics" Test Result of 9thJuly,2006
Life for some time now has been somewhat depressing and you feel 'under the weather'. You are looking for a means by which you can escape from all the pressures of everyday life. But you must remember that the 'Past does not equal 'Tomorrow'. You are seeking a way to escape from all the trials and tribulations that oppress you at this time, but at least you haven't given up - if one pattern of behaviour doesn't seem to work then you'll change it for another.
You need an atmosphere of peace and quiet and you would like to share a bond of understanding with the 'right person' - you have the belief that with the right person, your stress and anxiety could be minimised. You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you.
From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated.
You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!
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