I am standing there all alone
with a heavy body
hard to move one step
but I keep moving telling myself goal is ahead
it's a dead end road I suspect lately
my will falls apart
faith flies away
with a heavy body
I am standing there alone and confused

Dinner with cell on Saturday evening. There is negative feeling since mid autumn towards cell. I so wanna drop off. Been hearing too many bad thing about it and about church. The feeling become complicated and couldn't let out. Then I am attacked. Been in this cell for 1 1/2 years. I wanna think it through If I had ever get anything from it. Are they someone I trust. Are they someone I seek for pray and help when I need. In contrast, i did remember a few time being criticised. Am I growing? Are they with me? God I really wanna know if that's a sign of leaving or just influenced by others. God I wanna know if I ever will have someone to walk with. cell becomes frustrating. but I m serving and is that ok? God my road is being rougher, pls lead me out.

What do we work for? I love my job. Comfortable environment. Nice people. The job nature is what I want. Take part in ending poverty. Office close to my home. What more can I ask for. But it is a part time job, no benefit, and no position even though what I am doing is actually something. The pay... I am not happy with. The commitment, job load, time I spent there way too much then my pay. Now the question come again, what do we all work for? If I like the job and don't wanna lose it, should I fight for my wage? If I am starting to calculate with them, am I really loving my job as I said. I bet the bad news about the worldwide enconomy is making some impact to my finacial management. I become insecure to the future in terms of how much I could save now. God doesn't treat me bad. I mean who else can get this stable income, and can choose to do what I want at the same time. I should be thankful but since when I find it not enough and insecure with God everyday provide.

Yeah, after spending thousands of money, and hours of studies, I finally finished the music exam today. I believe I am passing it hopefully with dinstinction. I thank the 2 angels sending me sms for that showing supports. So sweet. Like going back to high school or what. I never had girl friends like that. Now I could work on my piano again. Heading 6 grade. Love the feeling of achieving something after some hard work, someone to assist me. someone to encourage me. someone to celebrate with. Love that all God gave me. I would love to give back to him.

Isn't it love?

A 39 woman and A 40 man - Isn't it so hard to get together? The woman wanna go straight down to the aisle. The man is lazy and too back laying. He likes her for her easygoing, bright and delightful. Now she is stressed, insecure and overwhelming. She - from the beginning, cannot appreciate him much. Eventually, she is grateful for all he has done to her. But zazazu, she's not sure. So her hand is always behind him, pushing him to the direction she wants. She begins to lose herself and become a control freak. He begins to get frustrated and step back. Too fast, too different, or too self-center? "Where is God?" they asked, the right question is, "Is there a place for God in this relationship?"

There is someone, I really wanna forget about. But appear in my dream from time to time. In my dream, everything is so real. Everything is still so familiar. Every time I woke up from one of these dream, I hate myself. For haven put in so many effort but fail in forgetting. For haven started so many new chapters but still couldn't totally cover the page. Also, I couldn't understand why only this page so remarkable. I was surprise and couldn't figure it out still. God I am really ready for a new page.

Job is eating me recently. Very hard to balance from it. Yea I m lazy. Stress = cant sleep = addicted in something = not healthy and looking sucks and get me moody. Balance! the day I get over it, I guess it's time to meet Jesus in heaven. Life is sucks when we bet most chips on material.

got a 11Oct deadline and a cost for tutoring, spend three hours on music theory this evening at coffee shop. I thought I was having a fever at that time. but really need to finish the study. frankly, a little addiction after the 1st hour. strange huh! actually treat myself with wall e bf starting. a little plant in a shoe bring back people who already give earth up. quite funny though not a new idea of seeing the clumsy and obese human who thought are having a comfy n convenience in the space. disney is so dare in this movie of accusing A. consuming trend B. life style more and more rely on artificial intelligent and the most obvious C. killing the earth we are. relating consuming to wasting to killing the earth. relating computerized to lack of intimacy to losing of human dignity. robots are supposed to be cold and incapable to love. but human ironically rely on them to bring them back to life. the captain said, "I don't wanna survive, I wanna live!" To Live! are we living at all after all, better give it a think.

computer is very strange recently. it took me 5 times to log in to my blogger. one mac is totally down. this borrowed one just hang. mac don't hang usually. super strange. anyway, close friend is confirmed getting married this year. lots of feeling deep down. happy for her definitely. worrying for myself also. will I end up with someone or just die alone? after thinking it over really hard for a few weeks, I confess I scared. pray for it, no significant answer still. I started playing the piano score for some hymns I just get from hymns lesson at church today. peace gradually came and scares gone. heart fill with his love. and suddenly, I found "y not wait in praise if I'll wait anyway" God is faithfulness and he will not miss my pray. yes I will praise until he give it to me. my heart will be full of peace, not insecure when he meet me, right! yeah that's what I should do.

Positive words for everyone

I am from the beginning
A creator
Born to make dreams reality
Living the ultimate life possible for me
I am free to chose what I make matter
I focus on what I want
I desire experiences
Memorable experience
Quality experience
New choice for my day
I feel the flow courageous hearts and expansive minds
I expect exhilarating conversations
With extraordinary people
I m transforming my life
Rediscovering myself
Following my Bliss
Creating my life of dreams
Companionship, Convenience, Comfort, Clarity, Creativity, Connection, Communication
First I find joy
The best I can give you
with music that stir my soul
I taste the deliciousness of the moment
Smell the freshness of a new day
Let my spirit be touched
Appreciate an eye-popping experience
Life is fun
A feast for the senses
My passion shines through
I am vision in action
I m getting where i want to be quickly
My intentions are powerful
My well being is natural
I am wonderful
Taste the life you imagine
Create the life of my dreams
I am grateful - thank you! I love you!

3 mths of work pass in no time. suddenly I feel like taken a summer break. working with the young people principle's son v and fresh grad PR H was fun and inspiring. Both ambitious in a diff way. remind me of my u life and fresh grad. It was long time ago but the smell still there. I got along w them in no effort. they heat up the office. gear up my work life. we had so much fun in lunch time making dump jokes. maybe... my true age is early 20s. unfortunately, my look already... aiya. now they gone, I miss them. but gotta pick up my pace at work.

mom is sick. I gotta scold maid too often recently. I am too wicked. I spent an evening taking her to see doctor. Frankly, I hate but I know I won't regret doing it. Ai, contradiction! Paul have said that in bible already. Life is never easy but with God, it's different! yesterday v and I went watching Olympic horse game at shatin. I love the 1st time of everything. I was soooo exciting. God prepared tickets and companion for me. I enjoy the show. especially when the americans went crazy when their players won the metal. Once in a life time and I really enjoyed.

Fly like an eagle! You are the wind beneath my wings. Let me breakthrough myself. Flying high and flying free. I was once a prisoner. Eager to break the wall. You today bring me to the air. I see a whole new world. But I am not scared. Because you, the wind to protect me. I will never fall!

Work becoming heavy recently. Get off at 8pm tonite. Long chat with L last nite. So tired today. Pulling the tired and sad body home, call dad on the way. He got more succi than me. About business. I feel sad for he still struggle for work at his age. But he's not listening. What can i do? There's too many thing I can't do. Reach home, grab some junk into mouth and watch Chi vs Cub. I was crying for no reason in front of the match with the junk in my hand. The sad feeling is not leaving me alone. Roommate asked me if I wanna go hiking this sunday... don't wanna do nothing.

I am sad. The whole town gets heat up with olympic fire. But I am sad. Because I don't like sport. Because I don't feel attached to China. Because everyone is faking cheer leader. Because I don't like people burning stuff on the street. Because the fire kill the firemen. Because my friends lost their baby all in sudden. Because I can't sleep at night. Because it always raining and when it's sunny, I had no one to celebrate with. Because I was too happy in Okinawa and now extremely down. Because daddy is no longer free for high tea. Because the summer holiday of mine is over. Because the house is dirty. Because my best friend is in love. Because of too many spare time?! I am sad. Close to sorrow. Not yet to grief.

This is to give thanks for a enjoyable and energetic sun and beach trip. I was happy to reunion with old friend. Giving me good playmates. Thanks! Never expect to learn it from D. Still immature, get pleasure with taking advantage from others and finding it a smart thing to do. The truth is... people are just choosing not to do it doesn't mean they are stupid, God borrow their mouth to teach me. Root in my heart this time. I got nice suntan and learnt to wakeboard. I love everything God made! I enjoy living!

Today wandering around flower market. Got a call from previous piano school. Got my grade 5 result! Merit! yeah.... Frankly, I don't even know how much to pass. For that performance, to be just pass is too good for me. Merit!!!! Thanks God. For not only merit. but also someone to share with. someone to celebrate with. someone to walk through with. thank you thank you thank you!

Mood: Romantic, any men can be charming playing piano
Physical status: Exhauted, after 15mins solor spa that equals to 3hrs of exercise
Spiritual status: Grateful, for God loving me so even I am dust
Project: another day tmr for the name change compaign...
Wish: no more crazy anger with the allien at my house

Grade 5 Piano Exam

My hand is shaking. Shivering inside. Hate this feeling. In 30mins, I will be in a paino exam that I've been preparing for 11 months. I am extremely nervous now. I thank God for having F to comfort me and encourage me with her instant experience. But Still I got so nervous, an unfamiliar emotion lately. God I wish I can handle well and just do good and stable in the exam. Give me peace in mind and dont take success too serious. Aiya... gonna get going.

I understand a little

Read a message saying God dont lead his people to a wealthy land. God dont lead them out of suffering. God is to free them from worshipping him, to be able to build an intimate relationship with him. Some suffer may bring us closer to him. In contrast, wealthy land may keep us away from him. I suddenly understand a little. If I am committed to a family now, I wouldn't have had this free heart on him. I will never find him that close, that supportive, that only to my everyday every moment. God teach me to enjoy be with you even with friends, career, family. So I am well prepared to have my own famly too. But I will wait and enjoy the time with you solely for now.