I dreamt of C yesterday. Seems that we get back together. I got to tell him what I like about him. The feeling is calm and cozy but not strong. Is that mean I still like him? Or just that I am too lonely? Never once before or after, there is a man love me that much, make me that important that probably every girl is long for.

insecure maniac

A word to descibe a waiting-for-love woman sometimes can't breath often bother by the pass the feeling so close to the end find no reason to go on from time to time exhaust even for a single step extremely scared of being alone for the rest of the life yet can't settle for ordinary what will happen to this kind of woman suffer from her own emotion not able to enjoy life before marriage but after marriage, she'll find out those were the best time ever in life that she did whatever she wanted then she gets to learn the different of tangible and intangible "soucis" the truth is waiting-for-love woman got too much time to think got too much resources to spend got too much freedom ending up focus too much one oneself open up! reach the world! you are so much more than that!

Dream of the past

I had nitemare last nite. It was terrible reflecting my fear from the past event and my relationship with parents. Everytime after these dreams, I was totally exhausted. I cried out loud to God, please move away my sin and my memory. Wash me until I am totally clean. Never let my sin bother me anymore. Set me free from my past. Never let me sink again. Please God, don't leave me alone. Bring me along with you and enable me to fly in your love. None of that become my burden. Set me free!

Cell dinner

Yesterday, dined out with cell. Wonderful moment. I love my cell. They are caring, cozy and fun. Most importantly, they struggle in God's love just like me. I can't stop laughing the whole nite that my face mussle got so tired. I haven't been so cheerful for long. I pray for more love and care and God's grace in our cell, and everyone...

This is a week for rest. Frankly I get exhausted from this temp. I really need to off no matter what. Can't imagine if I have to go on. Anyway, sometimes I miss my classes but with good feeling. Anyway, I recieved phone call from u buddy D. He was a close friend to me and saw me through many fail relationship but never judge me for a second. Well, there are few years we haven't seem each other. Since he studied in BJ, met his gf, studied aboard in France, and started working in Idontknowwhere. Suddeny got his call, my gut told me "bad news". Well he is getting married. That's not the bad part. But asking me to be his bridemaid , it is. People I do not wanna meet will see me putting on this clowd outfit and doing awdward stuff. But do I have a choice. I can't say no! Aiya... now what I do is to keep a good form of myself. All my trousers are too small proving my overweight problem is getting serious. Well, I got time. Let's do something with it. Or.... the worst case I stand him up as usual....hehe

Birthday

This is my 30something birthday(well I don't want to remember the something part). I spent my birthday outdoor. I am blessed because I found my energy is back when I rid the bike, rowed the boat with my best friend, and flied the kite. I don't feel exhausted anymore like before. I find my health better. I am glad. Also, I am very happy to see sister and best friend on my birthday. We can all enjoy the nature, our energy and laugh around. I am glad. I think I am different and easier to be happy than before. It's good. Like I got the key of happiness. Not easy for everyone. I am glad and I hope I hold the key until I die. And I hope I can show more people how to get the key of themselves. Not only happy on birthday, Happy everyday to myself and the ones I care!

June1 the last day of my teaching. With the bad feeling of making 2 classes crying after the exam, I tried best to enjoy my last day and treasure every moment. For I am pretty sure this is the last day of my life to teach. Well, I didn't get disappointed. The teachers are very kind. P2 and P4 classes love the little present I gave them. Some drawed me cards, some sent me chocolate, some asked my email address and msn account. I was impressed and touched. On the way home, I took the bus (my auto was in hospital). I read through every gift from them and I felt so warm inside. These are extra and special gift from the above I believe. That I experience the pure heart and graceful side of human, that I have already forgot for long time. Thank you!

May29 The second last day of my teaching. I was too busy to be emotion. After all I decide anyone who just breakup with boyfriend, go teach! It occupies all your times and thoughts that no spare room for others. Anyway, this week I gotta finish music exam for 5 classes as a music panel of the school. Exam includes singing and flute playing. Well, it's impossible even for an experience teacher. But as my practice, there is no impossible in my dictionary. Ending up the pressure all goes to the kids. I was impatient when they didn't perform well or they consumed more time than I expected. Some of them cried and got hurt by my smuggle face and cruel words. O I know I know, for I am never a gentle person. Being a supervisor, I always give my colleagues hard time. But hey they are kids and of course they are incapable to handle this witch! The words they put in my mouth was what I couldn't accept. Otherwise, I realize I am always a person with anger and impatient and never considerate others feeling when I am in pressure. Still remember the trip to the states early this year, my sister got so nervous and upset that she broke her car on the way to the airport. Just because I blame her for letting us so rush for our flight. Then you can see how much pressure I can convey to people around me. Nothing to be proud of. Really gotta make a change on it.

My 1st official boyfriend, we met in college. He is tall and handsome, gentle but insist, talent and snob. There was a year I hide my feeling towards him. He always made fun of me whenever he saw me in campus. It was difficult to like such a person. The fate then brought us closer and closer. One trip, one night, one room, everyone else were asleep. Except he and I were playing psyc test from a stupid magazine. Another night, another group sleepover, he held my hand and wrote a word on my palm with his finger. First time my hand was being hold by the one I like. First love never last. After the bleezy summer, we haven't see each other. I miss him from time to time. Because it was sweet and cozy, pure and charm.

Thank you

thank you for opening my eyes,
you show me the real face of life,
now I know I am not what I think,
it's not good but I don't hate myself
because you are there always loving me.

thank you for opening my heart,
you release me from hatress,
now I start to know about love and hope,
it's not easy to love people but I won't give up,
because you are there always loving me.

thank you for connecting with me,
you feed me, teach me, comfort me, clean me up,
now I feel free and happy the way I never had,
life is still hassle but I feel hassle-free,
because you are there always loving me, holding my hand, showering me with blesses that you promised.

I skip church again. The teaching thing is too consuming physically. I get exhausted on the weekend. Feel bad about that. Or maybe it's an excuse to skip cell meeting that I came up several times in my mind. But I didn't skip pray or bible study (except this week I got a fever). I really want to keep it up with God. Nothing is gonna stop me from being with him. I am sure He is protecting me from that.

You have seen what I did to the Egyptians, and how I took you, as on eagles' wings, guiding you to myself. Exodus 19:4
He saved me to enjoy intimacy with him. Not to achieve anything for him or for myself. Sometimes we are just too slavery. Not completing something in a stage of life, we feel failure, insecure and incompleted. But He never meant that way. Above all, being at his side is the most essential. Anything move us away from that, is not from him. I was once unable to enjoy with him. Now I feel so free to feel him, talk to him and listen to him. And I am satisfied. The very first time, I am satisfied. And I never want this to be taken away. It is my wish by now.

Feel romantic! Summer is coming - a season for love. Meeting lovely kids everyday, "how about getting my own", I thought. It is totally compulsive, for I know I ain't prepare for that, yet! However, desire and ability don't always come together. Like love a dress but no money. Like want to marry Brad but not Angelina. Like I always dream of buying a village and have all my family and friends live in and have fun and gathering everyday, like the Italian super huge family. But... aiya! Where am I going to... Anyway, I guess the hormone is calling again. Kids are cute and straigh forward that I have a lot to learn from. They like me too, I guess it's because I am one of them.

Cozy Saturday Night

It's a cozy Saturday night. Sister came to my place. I cook shrimp and corn pork for her. We chat fo hours. I thanks God for opening our heart to share. It's almost the first time she shared with me and consulted my opinion. I felt like we are sister that I have always long for. Meanwhile, I was also happy for her opening up which is a healthy gesture. I am really glad, plus we together look at the testimony and baptism photo from little sister in the States. We halleluja! I rejoice for having her fed full, able to let her sleep at my place. I thanks for the things I have and can share with the one I love. We pray for an hour. Tired yet powerful. My home became a real home since then. It was magic. I worry about her a little but thanks God for taking care of her any second.

What I love about Teaching So Far

When students told me I am the prettiest teacher at school, I found acceptance and love.

When I saw a mother brought her kid to school who kept crying until mother kissed her on her mouth, I learn tears are not always pity.

When I am having music lessons with my P2 class and hearing them singing, I hear the voice of angels.

I have never been so looking forward to lunch time ever because kids are waiting for me to sing grace with them.

When they so wanted to tell me their little story and gossip, I don't know where come my extra patient that I never had.

When I saw their little face getting so serious as they are in the test, my heart broke.

When I walked around the campus, I saw my hidden childhood, once pity, now being healed. God is touching my wound and make me feel much better. Feeling was complicated but getting more and more simple and crystal clear.

Yuen Nam Short Trip

Coming back from YuenNam Trip, very inspiring. Because of the long talk with the managing director of the organization. Because of the foreign gospeller who showed his love to the poor and children. Because of the many special care from God in our trip we can see. Because of seeing my best friend serving God with her gift from the above. Because of daddy taking care of Monster so I have nothing to worry about out there. Because of the new challenge of teaching at my own primary school when I am back. Only a temp post but excit me so much. A lot to learn from starting tomorrow. I feel so honor to be able to be a part of it.

Temp teaching post

Got a temp teaching offer at my own primary school. It was kind of exciting and amazed. Never went back since 12 years old. There, I knew about God for the first time. I will see old teachers and old high school classmates. Teaching P2 kids music and chinese, I feel a bit nervous, a bit happy and look forward to it. Plus I have to get up at 6 every morning. Aiya! Will I be able to do that? When I was in primary school, I had a record of late for 22 times a term. I must not create this record as a teacher. Aiya it's a real challenge to me but am happy to do that. Especially I do think God will lead me on the way.

A bad day

Got an interview today. A pure marketing job at a newspaper. O I so wanna have it. But too bad I lack of related experience. I think chances are very low. Down for an afternoon. Fringe too long need to be cut. Bad luck! I run into an unprofessional coiffeur who give me an unfinished, uneven, outdated haircut. The point is I love my previous one sooooo much except the fringe is too long. My own fault. I shouldn't let him touch other area but fringe only. I argue with him and not able to make him understand his problem... seriously critizing my communication skill! Despite all these bad mood, by the time I step in church for bible study, I change. By the time we worship, I begin to relief. By the time we start dig into Daniel's life, I forget. By the time pastor pray for us, I am heal. By the time J and I go grab a bite, I am able to share and listen. Only He can change me. Change my mood, fill me up, make me forget. Thanks you! I love you.

Music and Lyrics

Music is the sex and appearance. Lyrics are the soul, how you get in to know that person. In the movie "Music and Lyrics", Sophie said that and I found her speak my mind out. I love pop since I was little. Usually the melody catches me but the ones I really fall for are usually with deep touching lyrics. I guess love is the same. That we can crash into many handsome faces. But only the kind heart, sincere love linger for years. Music is always nice and important. But there is a formula to win just like a person. Lyrics however, are unique and personal. It's about matching. Match in character, match in timing, match in needs. All are good as long as written with heart and express one's true feeling. Are you living with your whole heart, so people see it from you? If you try hard enough to, someone will hear it. He will!

Feeling down recently. I want to be in love. I am lonely. I want to be hug into sleep. I miss the lost one. I am desperate. I lost my confident. No one want me? There is no one meant to be mine? I am not good enough? I am a defect? I did thing terribly wrong and deserve to end alone? Am I gonna have my own kids? Own family? Will my parents see me getting married? I don't have the confident now. I am very insecure and sad because I can't stand the loneliness.