Feel romantic! Summer is coming - a season for love. Meeting lovely kids everyday, "how about getting my own", I thought. It is totally compulsive, for I know I ain't prepare for that, yet! However, desire and ability don't always come together. Like love a dress but no money. Like want to marry Brad but not Angelina. Like I always dream of buying a village and have all my family and friends live in and have fun and gathering everyday, like the Italian super huge family. But... aiya! Where am I going to... Anyway, I guess the hormone is calling again. Kids are cute and straigh forward that I have a lot to learn from. They like me too, I guess it's because I am one of them.

Cozy Saturday Night

It's a cozy Saturday night. Sister came to my place. I cook shrimp and corn pork for her. We chat fo hours. I thanks God for opening our heart to share. It's almost the first time she shared with me and consulted my opinion. I felt like we are sister that I have always long for. Meanwhile, I was also happy for her opening up which is a healthy gesture. I am really glad, plus we together look at the testimony and baptism photo from little sister in the States. We halleluja! I rejoice for having her fed full, able to let her sleep at my place. I thanks for the things I have and can share with the one I love. We pray for an hour. Tired yet powerful. My home became a real home since then. It was magic. I worry about her a little but thanks God for taking care of her any second.

What I love about Teaching So Far

When students told me I am the prettiest teacher at school, I found acceptance and love.

When I saw a mother brought her kid to school who kept crying until mother kissed her on her mouth, I learn tears are not always pity.

When I am having music lessons with my P2 class and hearing them singing, I hear the voice of angels.

I have never been so looking forward to lunch time ever because kids are waiting for me to sing grace with them.

When they so wanted to tell me their little story and gossip, I don't know where come my extra patient that I never had.

When I saw their little face getting so serious as they are in the test, my heart broke.

When I walked around the campus, I saw my hidden childhood, once pity, now being healed. God is touching my wound and make me feel much better. Feeling was complicated but getting more and more simple and crystal clear.

Yuen Nam Short Trip

Coming back from YuenNam Trip, very inspiring. Because of the long talk with the managing director of the organization. Because of the foreign gospeller who showed his love to the poor and children. Because of the many special care from God in our trip we can see. Because of seeing my best friend serving God with her gift from the above. Because of daddy taking care of Monster so I have nothing to worry about out there. Because of the new challenge of teaching at my own primary school when I am back. Only a temp post but excit me so much. A lot to learn from starting tomorrow. I feel so honor to be able to be a part of it.

Temp teaching post

Got a temp teaching offer at my own primary school. It was kind of exciting and amazed. Never went back since 12 years old. There, I knew about God for the first time. I will see old teachers and old high school classmates. Teaching P2 kids music and chinese, I feel a bit nervous, a bit happy and look forward to it. Plus I have to get up at 6 every morning. Aiya! Will I be able to do that? When I was in primary school, I had a record of late for 22 times a term. I must not create this record as a teacher. Aiya it's a real challenge to me but am happy to do that. Especially I do think God will lead me on the way.

A bad day

Got an interview today. A pure marketing job at a newspaper. O I so wanna have it. But too bad I lack of related experience. I think chances are very low. Down for an afternoon. Fringe too long need to be cut. Bad luck! I run into an unprofessional coiffeur who give me an unfinished, uneven, outdated haircut. The point is I love my previous one sooooo much except the fringe is too long. My own fault. I shouldn't let him touch other area but fringe only. I argue with him and not able to make him understand his problem... seriously critizing my communication skill! Despite all these bad mood, by the time I step in church for bible study, I change. By the time we worship, I begin to relief. By the time we start dig into Daniel's life, I forget. By the time pastor pray for us, I am heal. By the time J and I go grab a bite, I am able to share and listen. Only He can change me. Change my mood, fill me up, make me forget. Thanks you! I love you.

Music and Lyrics

Music is the sex and appearance. Lyrics are the soul, how you get in to know that person. In the movie "Music and Lyrics", Sophie said that and I found her speak my mind out. I love pop since I was little. Usually the melody catches me but the ones I really fall for are usually with deep touching lyrics. I guess love is the same. That we can crash into many handsome faces. But only the kind heart, sincere love linger for years. Music is always nice and important. But there is a formula to win just like a person. Lyrics however, are unique and personal. It's about matching. Match in character, match in timing, match in needs. All are good as long as written with heart and express one's true feeling. Are you living with your whole heart, so people see it from you? If you try hard enough to, someone will hear it. He will!

Feeling down recently. I want to be in love. I am lonely. I want to be hug into sleep. I miss the lost one. I am desperate. I lost my confident. No one want me? There is no one meant to be mine? I am not good enough? I am a defect? I did thing terribly wrong and deserve to end alone? Am I gonna have my own kids? Own family? Will my parents see me getting married? I don't have the confident now. I am very insecure and sad because I can't stand the loneliness.

Reject the Offer

I rejected the offer from the bible publisher. I am not sure which one is the real reason. But the one I told myself and friends is they need someone with physical support. Frankly, this is only a part of it. I also dislike the challenge. Not willing to work with stress people. Unprepared to face my real ability. I am quite sure of my lifestyle by now. That I need a job: stable, pleasant environment, friendly admosphere, an no stress. For I know myself I will quit in the end for the hardship and that is not I want for now. I want to settle and not wandering around at workplace. I hope God understand my weakness and prepare a suitable place for me.

Supports

Since the 1st interview, I started to struggle for whether to take it or leave it. I realize I have so many nice friends around me to support and advise. I feel very blessed. Although I still think career is personal stuff require own decision. Still appreciate every input from others.

My New Chihuahua - A brand new start

Coming back from the states, I think I m ready to pet again. And I have strong feeling that I wont be able to live without pet. HAHA. Single girl with a dog, what a typical scenario! Anyway, buying dad a brunch at the Four Season, we head off to pet shop. From an unrecognized pet shop, I find him. A brown color (like a moose), front legs with white tips, large ears and eyes, tiny. I love him at the first sight. He is on my lap. Playing with my mom now.
Almost a year now from his pass away. I know he won't mind I have a new friend. Never meant to replace him. Although I do find his shadow from new friend. Still everyone is unique. I will get his bone back next month. From the heaven, he watch over both of us. I love them both with all my heart.

An offer

My door is open for cecular and NGO. Have peace inside this time knowing God is leading. So I got an offer from a bible pulishing organization. The timing, pay, location is great. Only the boss... absolutely not a nice one. Lots of struggles, now I say I will follow whatever He leads me to. Because he will be responsible for that. Pray for me with big faith and guts.

Fail to be a counsellor

A bit disappointed. Getting back from the states for 2 days, I opened my mailbox and found the letter of rejection from the volunteer counsellor interview. This is the 2nd time of rejection since the Samaria. Although I found myself improved in these years, my personality is not suitable to be a counsellor. I kind of know it indeed. For I am impatient, eager to give advice and problem solving. That is not a practice of a professional councellor. Hence, I guess it's better that I don't invest my time and money in this area. Despite of that, I get to know myself more after this experience. I will keep finding a way to develop my gift.

Where I Have Been

http://douweosinga.com/projects/visitedcountries

Sisters chat

It's a wonderful Valentine's day. Because of a bargain air ticket I coincidentally found at travelocity, I arrive LA on the 13th midnight. I invited little sister who lives in LA to a dinner on the 14th. Even better, she brought me to fellowship. It's a Taiwanese fellowship group that sister goes every Wednesday. That night, I got a lot from the fellowship meeting and felt the spirit in worship. They have stable spiritual life and very willing to share.

She told her fellowship that I am the one to tell her about God. I ashamed. But God's work is amazing and incredible. After all these years, we both experience a lot and yet God heals our relationship and let us be in the bond of love. I love my sister so much and wish her all the best.

The goal of this trip is to have quality sharing with her and support her in spiritual life. I feel grateful for the first time to worship with my little sister. Happy for her to have a support group there. God lets us have intimate chat. He broke our gap, built trust between us, allowed me to show love to her. God also changed her to be more caring and patient and less self-centered. God lets her experience illness and things may be out of our control. I found this trip successful and gain a lot myself. Hope her and brother there live well and continue to seek God's way.

Arrival at the Big apple

Terrible flying. 15 hours from HK to NY. Especially that I was sore throat and had flu symptom last night. How come the technology still not able to deliver us in shorter time from one place to another? It is really a torture. Getting off the flight at 1pm NY time. Extremely dizzy and sleepy. $55 US the cap brought us to Manhattan. Despite the freezy wind, the weather is perfect. Sky is damn clear with sunshine and a few fluffy cloud. Just a bridge distance to Manhattan, the whole postcard view was coming to my sight. Empire Building, old fashion bridge, all kind of thin but tall high rise in various style shaping the town. I was exciting (although not my first time here). We stay at Best Western very close to the Broadway theatres. Hotel is very old and wore out fortunately neat enough to be unconscious until now 3:30am. Still muscle pain, I wonder how many days it takes to leave me alone. Tomorrow I plan to go for museums. Hope this trip with great fun with family. Looking forward to see sister.

Start with love

Monday becomes Sauna day with mother. Frankly, it's not my plan. I don't want to see her every week. I need buffer between us or I get impatient and stressed. God is training me to have intimacy with people. He trains me because I am the daughter he loves. And it's for my own good. In that case, I have to try accepting it. Mother came yesterday. She was not well but better control in her emotion. When I peeked her eating what I cooked for her in the mirror, I felt satisfied and happy. When we shared the couch watching TV together, I felt relax and comfy. Yes I am that simple. When I have love inside, it's not that hard to do anymore.

Sin Stops us from hearing God

Sin-offering is important because God hates sin. Before we can see God, understand his words, get intimate with Him, Know God's point of view, we have to confess our sin and pray for cleaning. That's why God used plenty of time and paragraphs to show Moses how to choose sheep, how to burn, who can do it, how the ceremony should be held. It is important! Most of the time, we are eager to request and busy on complaining and questioning. We forget the reason we are unable to hear God is that we have sin. Eventually, we don't realize our sin and neglect his words. Lost the ability on differentiating from holy and common, unclean and clean. Whenever there is distance between God and us, it's most likely our sin.
When Alan's sons used their own way burning strange fire to God, God killed them. The reason is God will be sanctified and glorified before his people. Why would God so angry about that? I only think of God teaches us the respect on him. Our attitude when taking his words is what he really care. He is God and he should be glorified. But we most of the time not taking his words that serious. When we are serving God especially, we must particularly stick with his bible. When we are in front of his people, we must particularly glorify him instead of using our own way, or glorifying ourselves. Leviticus 8-10

Insight from an interview

I was in an interview of counselling volunteer. I was exciting and looking forward to it. I prayed before I get in. I pray for the peace, calm, and if God thinks I can go for it, let me pass. I was calm enough during. It was a group interview and then a individual interview by two interviewers. I have some insight from this interview indeed. One interviewer told me she observed me with suitable elements in counsellor but not seeing any confident in me. That make me unstable when presenting myself. I don't see what I have myself and I don't have the gut to shout out loud that I have it. I have the empathy inside and it's the most important element. But I keep focus on skill and training or whether am I patient enough to be a counsellor.

I must confess I am never a confident person in my entire life. There was once I thought I am but turning into blindly gut and rebellion in most young people. Especially now, I am still emotionally weak and unstable. I am not sure of my capacity in my love and patient. Even doubt my ability in controlling my temper and emotions. Maybe I need to see my counsellor. Will I be able to live without self-confident? Will I be able to get in intimacy in future with that wound? I don't know. For the volunteer job, I will be glad to be trained in counselling and have chance in helping in the center. But I trust their ability in knowing whether I am suitable. And I believe God will lead me in or away.

Thoughts of Buddhism

Back from Shanghai, a city of charm. It's charm comes from crossover of traditions and modern. It's charm comes from fast developing, plenty of opportunities yet still remaining marks of its history. This is a trip to make mother happier plus it's my 5th visits. Instead of going to exciting places, we hopped in several temples. As a Christian, I see temple as architecture and history. We have many ancient temples some over a thousand years.

In old time, Government used Buddhism to control people for its reclusive teaching. Today, most Chinese are accustomed to this so-called traditional religion. For not much effort to put in and plenty of choice in god worshipping (god of health, god of wealth, god of fertility etc.), many claim themselves to be Buddhists without actually know what Buddhism is.

I have chance to meet monks of temples and to have vegetarian meals and tea with them (I love to be vegetarian too if I can make that dishes). I found that they are less religious than I thought. Running a temple first you need the support of government. To be the monk leader, good relationship with government is a must. Totally political. Monk and other positions at temples are perceived as good and stable career in Shanghai comparing to general living standard and they do possess prerogative. It's not surprise to find some of their intentions are not as pure as being "called" serving at these religious places.

I declare that I really respect monk and Buddhism. I especially love the construction of temples myself. Just that when I see people not really using their freedom of choice (a big gift from God), I feel sad for them. Religion is never a luxury product. It's the purpose of living. It's the origin of life. It's motivation of a fruitful, influential life. It is definitely worth for serious study and evaluate before committing into it. Use your heart to feel, pray for the spiritual insight, seek the real one! Don't settle for the second best!