The last section of praying course yesterday, E and I got to talk to clergy afterward. Amazingly, the negative thoughts of this clergy, the course content and the church has gone. Despite missing 2 classes, unable to catch up with the reading, delay to hand in homework and memorize bible phrases, I was inspired and went through some self-growing progress. I may not be able to pass the course and go straight to the next level. But I kind of agree why Jesus suggested me to take this lesson.

Firstly, I was too cocky in front of God and people. I am stubborn and not letting anyone to judge me or advise me or lead me out of my comfort zone. Secondly, my faith is so not enough and I am so insecure even with his magnify power and great love on me. That I set lots of do and don't around me forgetting the truth (bible) should lead the way not me. I was so not open-minded when I am proud and advertise myself as one. I hate stereotype, judgemental, prejudice, fail to try, closed-minded. I just don't realize that I am one of them. I hate to live in a frame but I am actually framing myself.

I like and hate to explore myself. Like because I long for changes and growth. Hate because it's often painful, confused, stuck ed, and frustrated. I respect people who find fighting his own hardship challenging or even have fun from it. Me, I must admit that I am a coward. That I would avoid, escape, back off from any hard time. The more failure I experience, the more danger zone I got. Now I got nowhere else to go but trapping myself in the middle of the room. Where is the courage I used to have, I wonder. I envy the me who feel the world is all mine. That I was the center of the world. That the spotlight is always on me. And I don't give a damn to failure, judgement, age, prestige, wealth and status. And my future is so bright with unlimited possibilities and opportunities. That I have no regret for my life!

Last night I pray so hard for an answer of the waiting. As usual, no abstract reply from Him except "Trust me!" And then I went asleep. Today I got "As soon as you began to pray, an answer was given, which I have come to tell you, for you are highly esteemed. Therefore, consider the message and understand the vision" from Daniel 9:23. Where is the answer? Am I highly esteemed? Why haven't I feel it? Where is the message? Vision! What vision? I am not Daniel. I do not pray as he did, you know so humble and patiently and persistent. I am not good enough for an answer... ...

I just experience conversation with God. Just back from bible study at church. We read this and see what God replies in an instant to my doubts in new age impact on me. Colossians 2:2-11 My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ,in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments. For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him,rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. In him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ

New ager? am I?

Did a test yesterday in the pray seminar. I belong to the feeling type personality. That is, all my decision, action and thinking build on my feeling including touching and other physical contact. No wonder I can never reject men who sit close to me or start physical contact with me. In my pray, I always request God to hold me, to let me feel him, to hold my hand, etc. God is so kind that I sometimes get it. I am developed to this type and there's nothing wrong with it. But I admit I am demanding and not easy to be pleased because I am very insecure.Except feeling type, there are audio, video, self-talking type. End up my audio and video personality are quite even and score high enough. I am also a self-talking person (just 2 points less than feeling). I've been changing a lot these years. I get to know myself more and care about myself more. I develop my audio by gallery, museum and drawing. Develop my audio by listening to people and music. For self-talking, I do it since I was born because I have no one else. I am happy that my feeling does not freeze after isolation all these years.New age, I happen to have special interest in but I must pay real attention. Since I am such a curious person, every new thoughts get my attention. Crystal energy, environmental friendly, yoga, aromatherapy, meditation, dream sign, new age music, and hypnotherapy. I suddenly realize I am such a new ager. I used to believe in astrology and palm reading too. I must be very cautious for I know it now. When I learn to pray, I get very confused when clergy lead us into mediation and physic (well, at least I feel it this way) Of course I know deep down that it's for contacting God. But still I find it dangerous and weird. Really uncomfortable! I even skipped a week of class. Anyway, I figure I must be sure what is new age and what is wrong with it before I get stereotype.

Waiting for a job confirmation. Quite torturing indeed. Went swimming then felt so much better. I might be a fish :P

Love me, love me!

"Do you love me?" "Oh love me, love me!" A conversation I stalked from a fast food restaurant today while waiting for my delayed dinner box. A little girl about 5 wearing extra thick glasses asking her mother if she loves her. Mother was neglecting at first then annoyingly told her she does love her. The little girl then complaint about her brother who just fooled her by telling her mother does not love her. Mother was heartbroken and started to explain to her that she loves her and so does his brother.

Of course wicked brother had fun teasing sister and finding it a way to get some attention while parents are too focusing on the younger child in the family. Why would a little girl be that insecure in parents' love? This question came up to me during the whole waiting.

"Do you love me?" sounds so familiar in adults world. Everyday, women ask boyfriends or husbands whether they love them. Only that the exact wording turns into skillful gestures, body language, or linguistic hints. Because we are trained to ignore our needs, to be dishonest with our feelings, and to be as indirect as possible when we express them.

"love me love me!", the little girl whining at her mother. Even her father got shame on her when he noticed someone smiling at them. But he got me all wrong that I was actually enjoying this warm, sweet and private scene. Deep in my heart, I secretly bless this little girl, that she could forever has the gut and honesty and someone who is worth for asking out loud, to love her. Because when we grow up, we got too much proud and dignity to say that. We got too weak to be turned down. We build walls around us from people who may get too close and may hurt us. All these forbid us to admit deep down what we really want, we really need is to be loved.

Today I wanna shout to God, that I desire his love, unconditional love, the love that never let me down. And because of his love all over me, I have no choice but love him in return.

Coming up in my mind lately, seriously want to write a book. So much to tell from my past. So much feelings and message I want to share. Of course I won't expect the book to be big sell. I realize many write better than me. Many think deeper than me. But I am who I am. Looking for a theme inside. Shall I put my own story? or a novel is better? Shall it be a memoir? or a book of encouragement? Shall it be religious? or just follow the flow? My past starting to bother me because of this ambitious.

Peace from above

Jobless, failure, lonesome, boredom pulling me down bit by bit. I asked God when will it end. I asked him to give me a hand. I whine, I complain, I get angry and I frustrate. I got nothing else I can do grabbing like a drowning swimmer. It's another night of frustration, in bed I am too exhausted to pray. But I so needed God's reply and his being with me. Hopelessly, I raised my hand as if I were touching the sky. In a second, a peaceful feeling came up (or came down I don't really know). Then I found myself smiling and feeling of satisfaction inside. As if I had the world. He was there with me that night in bed. Speechless but with me bringing me peace and comfort.

Suddenly love classical, love opera, love legend singers. Because I am preparing for my grade 5 piano exam. Because Pavarotti left. Because of the movie "La vie en rose" - the story of Edith Piaf. Summing up, I guess I must learn from these for the hardworking, persistence in music. I've been always love music since ever. Even decided to study music after high school. Think I got some talent in music but unfortunately I am too lazy and proud to put any effort in anything. Thought business study can earn a fortune but eventually I was lost totally. Desperate childhood, I got only music to hide from the world. And only music touches my heart that wakes up my soul. By the time I couldn't worship, it was hymns that broke the wall. Music is a big gift from God and communication system from heaven.

Bitterness

I don't like myself for too much bitter feeling inside. That I really hate against the sweet stuffs of the others. That I can't help myself from coming up the feeling. I must admit bitterness always been with me since ever. Because of everything I long for when I have no way to get it. Why would people desire? Why can't people just be happy with what they already have? Why would we always think the next table get the better stuff? Why? It's a torture to someone who get stuck in it. That we suppress our feeling, pretend to be happy for others, sour but still secretly find the substitution but deep down we know it's not the same and never can be really satisfied.

A Trip to Vietnam

In between jobs, the best to do is to travel. Especially when you got a mother who murmurs all the time about how daughter neglects her. This is the good time to please her with a trip. So we went to a mystery, exotic country - Vietnam where I believe it gets enough excitements for distracting us from fighting during the trip.

First evening we arrived, it was a Thursday. The sky was still bright enough to see the French style residential building along the way to Hu Chi Ming city center. Turquoise, sky blue, pink, egg shell, sharp yellow even red they have been applying on the narrow, 3-storage-high condos. All with balcony decorated with plants, and tall wooden-frame window with light curtains. Not hard to see their heritage of artistic character from the French after the 100-year of colonial history.

Maybe I have just seen too many developing cities in China. Everything else to me reminded me of it. Except of course the tidiness and sanitary were contrast. Around 6pm we arrived the city center. The Notre Dame of Hu Chi Ming we saw with plenty of worshipers not only fill up the church, but also the front yard. Comparing to the Notre Dame de Paris, I must admit that this one doesn't impress me at all. Pink wall, not too large size, imitating circle glass windows. Even the garden on the front yard was boring and artificially unattractive. Among that, the faces of worshipers crowding outside the church were awesome. That really surprise me as for a former-communism country!

Next to the church, there is Central Post office. Remind me of the Gare(Train Station) in France. The use of green steel, pattern floor, high ceiling, wooden interior, French lighting gave a very 60s European style. Central Post office is designed by Effiel, who also designed La tour Effiel. No wonder! I sent a postcard to myself (that took almost 2 weeks to get to my hand).

Before we ate at a cruise on Saigon River, we shopped at the Antique Street in business district. Stuffs are expensive, commercial and touristic. Yet, I bought a recycle paper painting of a Vietnam lady in Ao dai, their tradition long dress that can perfectly display the beauty of women's body. The first time I confronted with Vietnam people (the sales girl), I found them kind of slow and gentle and not-too-smart in general. The cruise is fine. Well, nothing to see in the dark on Saigon River so they fed you with the showgirls singing and fire-dancing. Both not my taste, in fact a bit uncomfortable for the fire-dancing. Until a smelly magician started to play at every table, there came some fun. After all, I was just a kid I guess!

Je suis triste. Parce que j'ai fait rien toutes les anees. Et je pense que je peut toujours commencer au debut. Mais, non ce cois. Temps ne l'attend pas comme le vent. Et maintenant, je rest et je ne sais pas de quoi a faire. Comme ma vive serais comme ca. J'en n'ai assez!

I know my temper get worse recently. For no reason. Maybe I ve been waiting too long for things. I can smell the danger. I dont want to regret again. I have no solution. I tried play, relax, talk, pray, do something good. But nothing help. The feeling just comes up suddenly. When I see him wandering, starring at me, doing stupid thing. at the moment I hate him no love inside. It's scary for I can't control myself. I really need help.

Everyone gets new job except me. What's the problem with me? Not trying hard enough? Trying too hard? Not letting go my own desire? Am I being punished? Or some really great and special plan will be happening on me? buff.... never been that frustrated. Waiting..I spend years to wait... wondering when will it end.. the things I want for all these years. nothing for me. sick of happy for others. sick of hiding and pray. faith is shaking again.

I ve got tanned on Sunday. The weather was great. We four pretty at the beach were surely the stars. Hehe. The water was salt yet calm enough. I brought a kiddy float for fun. Crossing the nature arche by boat was fun and advanture. I guess all of us could enjoy the day and I was happy. J talked a lot about her romance recently. Jealous but still hoping the best go to her. Lying on the sand, feeling you own the world. So tired but worth.

Fail in Diet

2 days on diet. Give in today. So hungry and low in energy after helping at bookfair. Original plan is to have rice noodle and vegie at home. But then... get fast food and snack from Seven. Seeing my tummy and regreting right now. Slimming is the life long project for women. We women are very tragic. Never a moment we deeply in love with ourselves. Not hating the figure, hate pimple, hate leg not long enough, hate shoulder not wide and skinny enough. One time success in dieting, does not mean life time success. Poor us! Too worry to be called pork chop. Aging, extra pad worries us more severely. Love the planet, love the ocean, love your country, love your career... how about loving yourself?! Love the way you are. Love every stage of life. Love the changes physically as well as mentally. Love to be lack, love to be not perfect. Yeah and that is really loving yourself by not putting yourself in comparing with others. Nonsense! Coz everyone is unique no matter what they told you. (okee now I feel better with the chips :P)

Harry Potter 2nd last movie

Just get back from cinema. A free Harry Potter movie. Almost 2 hours sitting there, expecting an ending by misunderstanding (well, it's the book released for the ending, movie not yet). Not knowing if this is the reason, this time I will call it boring and artificial. Trying so hard to put the audience in excitement but sorry it's totally boring. Shallow too unlike the previous ones. Magic scenes too artificial lack of creativity. Body falls apart giving a sense of incomplete, messy and watching whole lot of broken pieces of scenes. Conclusion: disappointing! Not only myself but general survey afterward. Give it s second thought, can we blame anyone? The theme this time is human heart choosing from good and bad intention. Our brain, our thoughts are never well organized. Never with sequences. Never controlled. The movie makes me deeper feel the war every minutes in our heart that we fight for dignity, truth and righteousness. However, most of the time, we give in to the dark. Only friendship, love, trust, parenthood, encouragement, etc remind us of our power to fight back, to hang on, to stick with the good side. I shall not give in too easy, no matter what circumstances I am in.

Firefly encounter

S and I go a trip of nature observation this weekend. It was almost 35c degree. When my sweat running down at my back, I feel like I was the an ice-cream melting. Other than that, I like it very much. First we go to red bush seeing special species of insects and plants. Footprint on the shore to find the star fish. Guide tells us star fish can be with 5/6/8 legs according to the temperature of water. Cute! I tell S that I actually saw a large area of shore full of star shape on it. Those were all star fishes color from blue, purple to grey. It was stunning. And I realize how graceful I was to live by the nature for 2 years in SK. The guide shows us a kind of crab with white purple hand always unconsciously raising up like lifting. They are really tiny and if you are patient enough, you'll see many of them doing the lifting extremely funny. They call it Worship-crab! After seafood super, we go catch firefly. First time I see it really expecting them. Seriously, you've got to have enough faith to see it. Coz not many of them. Their lights are tiny and weak. You trust there are, you got patient and wait and be quiet, there you go you spot them. There is no word to describe it when you see them flying in the dark. O I love the Creator of the nature. My heart is screaming to heaven. Hmm I got to see them again sometime.

It is a moody day to me. In the piano lesson, I got really frustrated repeating the notes. I was asked why I looked so annoyed. Hey, what do I know! Counted the days, not period. Check my spiritual chart, not that low for I kept pray and reading bible almost everyday. What is it then? Maybe cousin's sad news are pulling me down? Maybe job hunting hit me real hard on my face? Maybe hormone is calling and no way out? God knows. I ask God, no reply this time. Headache is killing me. Lying in sofa, turn on msn. Chat a little, check some emails. Call F to check out something. Ah ha! She needs me right there. She was struggling with in potential affair. Dangerous!!!! My soul is all awaked. Consume all my mind set and dig out all bible learning and lifely spiritual experience to pull her out. Stand her up. Strengthen her. Remind her not alone and victory we already are! There I go. I got all awake and boredom all gone. Maybe the down is meant for pushing me to make this call? Maybe this call is to wake me up from unreasonable mood? God knows. But I give thanks for I am single. For I am free to choose. For the spare time and mind to refresh and feel God every movement on me.

Sexual Purity at St Andrew church

Daddy is very into elegant, classic stuff. To keep bringing him to Jesus, I brought him to the St Andrew Church yesterday for an evening service. The building conveys a grand and noble atmostphere. But the band is leading contempo christian music. Quite a scene! After 6, more come in. Mostly english-speaking chinese, some foreigners. I found their dressing very much different from ordinary chinese church. The usher was wearing a sporty bra top with a mesh sweater on top. I was not suprised indeed I felt comfy here. The whole service was in english. Daddy couldn't understant a word but suprisingly he kept awake the whole time. I believe God was there with us no matter the language barrier. Once again, I experience whenever I thought I am doing for other and God, I would be the one to be benefit. The sermon was about sexual purity! Where still I am stuggling at everyday. God is reminding me his standard in this area. Can't inherit God's land! Preacher compared sex perception of "modern" to perception of God.

We think sex is like chocolate God thinks sex is like ahcohol We think freedom to do God thinks fall into sin trap We think do for love God thinks silly excuse just like "kill for hateress" We think natural desire God thinks sex is greedy I appreciate the music that touched my heart, the pray for the single getting over the loneliness, the holybread sharing dipping into real wine is the very first time I do in such way. Surely will go back some sunday.