I know my temper get worse recently. For no reason. Maybe I ve been waiting too long for things. I can smell the danger. I dont want to regret again. I have no solution. I tried play, relax, talk, pray, do something good. But nothing help. The feeling just comes up suddenly. When I see him wandering, starring at me, doing stupid thing. at the moment I hate him no love inside. It's scary for I can't control myself. I really need help.

Everyone gets new job except me. What's the problem with me? Not trying hard enough? Trying too hard? Not letting go my own desire? Am I being punished? Or some really great and special plan will be happening on me? buff.... never been that frustrated. Waiting..I spend years to wait... wondering when will it end.. the things I want for all these years. nothing for me. sick of happy for others. sick of hiding and pray. faith is shaking again.

I ve got tanned on Sunday. The weather was great. We four pretty at the beach were surely the stars. Hehe. The water was salt yet calm enough. I brought a kiddy float for fun. Crossing the nature arche by boat was fun and advanture. I guess all of us could enjoy the day and I was happy. J talked a lot about her romance recently. Jealous but still hoping the best go to her. Lying on the sand, feeling you own the world. So tired but worth.

Fail in Diet

2 days on diet. Give in today. So hungry and low in energy after helping at bookfair. Original plan is to have rice noodle and vegie at home. But then... get fast food and snack from Seven. Seeing my tummy and regreting right now. Slimming is the life long project for women. We women are very tragic. Never a moment we deeply in love with ourselves. Not hating the figure, hate pimple, hate leg not long enough, hate shoulder not wide and skinny enough. One time success in dieting, does not mean life time success. Poor us! Too worry to be called pork chop. Aging, extra pad worries us more severely. Love the planet, love the ocean, love your country, love your career... how about loving yourself?! Love the way you are. Love every stage of life. Love the changes physically as well as mentally. Love to be lack, love to be not perfect. Yeah and that is really loving yourself by not putting yourself in comparing with others. Nonsense! Coz everyone is unique no matter what they told you. (okee now I feel better with the chips :P)

Harry Potter 2nd last movie

Just get back from cinema. A free Harry Potter movie. Almost 2 hours sitting there, expecting an ending by misunderstanding (well, it's the book released for the ending, movie not yet). Not knowing if this is the reason, this time I will call it boring and artificial. Trying so hard to put the audience in excitement but sorry it's totally boring. Shallow too unlike the previous ones. Magic scenes too artificial lack of creativity. Body falls apart giving a sense of incomplete, messy and watching whole lot of broken pieces of scenes. Conclusion: disappointing! Not only myself but general survey afterward. Give it s second thought, can we blame anyone? The theme this time is human heart choosing from good and bad intention. Our brain, our thoughts are never well organized. Never with sequences. Never controlled. The movie makes me deeper feel the war every minutes in our heart that we fight for dignity, truth and righteousness. However, most of the time, we give in to the dark. Only friendship, love, trust, parenthood, encouragement, etc remind us of our power to fight back, to hang on, to stick with the good side. I shall not give in too easy, no matter what circumstances I am in.

Firefly encounter

S and I go a trip of nature observation this weekend. It was almost 35c degree. When my sweat running down at my back, I feel like I was the an ice-cream melting. Other than that, I like it very much. First we go to red bush seeing special species of insects and plants. Footprint on the shore to find the star fish. Guide tells us star fish can be with 5/6/8 legs according to the temperature of water. Cute! I tell S that I actually saw a large area of shore full of star shape on it. Those were all star fishes color from blue, purple to grey. It was stunning. And I realize how graceful I was to live by the nature for 2 years in SK. The guide shows us a kind of crab with white purple hand always unconsciously raising up like lifting. They are really tiny and if you are patient enough, you'll see many of them doing the lifting extremely funny. They call it Worship-crab! After seafood super, we go catch firefly. First time I see it really expecting them. Seriously, you've got to have enough faith to see it. Coz not many of them. Their lights are tiny and weak. You trust there are, you got patient and wait and be quiet, there you go you spot them. There is no word to describe it when you see them flying in the dark. O I love the Creator of the nature. My heart is screaming to heaven. Hmm I got to see them again sometime.

It is a moody day to me. In the piano lesson, I got really frustrated repeating the notes. I was asked why I looked so annoyed. Hey, what do I know! Counted the days, not period. Check my spiritual chart, not that low for I kept pray and reading bible almost everyday. What is it then? Maybe cousin's sad news are pulling me down? Maybe job hunting hit me real hard on my face? Maybe hormone is calling and no way out? God knows. I ask God, no reply this time. Headache is killing me. Lying in sofa, turn on msn. Chat a little, check some emails. Call F to check out something. Ah ha! She needs me right there. She was struggling with in potential affair. Dangerous!!!! My soul is all awaked. Consume all my mind set and dig out all bible learning and lifely spiritual experience to pull her out. Stand her up. Strengthen her. Remind her not alone and victory we already are! There I go. I got all awake and boredom all gone. Maybe the down is meant for pushing me to make this call? Maybe this call is to wake me up from unreasonable mood? God knows. But I give thanks for I am single. For I am free to choose. For the spare time and mind to refresh and feel God every movement on me.

Sexual Purity at St Andrew church

Daddy is very into elegant, classic stuff. To keep bringing him to Jesus, I brought him to the St Andrew Church yesterday for an evening service. The building conveys a grand and noble atmostphere. But the band is leading contempo christian music. Quite a scene! After 6, more come in. Mostly english-speaking chinese, some foreigners. I found their dressing very much different from ordinary chinese church. The usher was wearing a sporty bra top with a mesh sweater on top. I was not suprised indeed I felt comfy here. The whole service was in english. Daddy couldn't understant a word but suprisingly he kept awake the whole time. I believe God was there with us no matter the language barrier. Once again, I experience whenever I thought I am doing for other and God, I would be the one to be benefit. The sermon was about sexual purity! Where still I am stuggling at everyday. God is reminding me his standard in this area. Can't inherit God's land! Preacher compared sex perception of "modern" to perception of God.

We think sex is like chocolate God thinks sex is like ahcohol We think freedom to do God thinks fall into sin trap We think do for love God thinks silly excuse just like "kill for hateress" We think natural desire God thinks sex is greedy I appreciate the music that touched my heart, the pray for the single getting over the loneliness, the holybread sharing dipping into real wine is the very first time I do in such way. Surely will go back some sunday.

I dreamt of C yesterday. Seems that we get back together. I got to tell him what I like about him. The feeling is calm and cozy but not strong. Is that mean I still like him? Or just that I am too lonely? Never once before or after, there is a man love me that much, make me that important that probably every girl is long for.

insecure maniac

A word to descibe a waiting-for-love woman sometimes can't breath often bother by the pass the feeling so close to the end find no reason to go on from time to time exhaust even for a single step extremely scared of being alone for the rest of the life yet can't settle for ordinary what will happen to this kind of woman suffer from her own emotion not able to enjoy life before marriage but after marriage, she'll find out those were the best time ever in life that she did whatever she wanted then she gets to learn the different of tangible and intangible "soucis" the truth is waiting-for-love woman got too much time to think got too much resources to spend got too much freedom ending up focus too much one oneself open up! reach the world! you are so much more than that!

Dream of the past

I had nitemare last nite. It was terrible reflecting my fear from the past event and my relationship with parents. Everytime after these dreams, I was totally exhausted. I cried out loud to God, please move away my sin and my memory. Wash me until I am totally clean. Never let my sin bother me anymore. Set me free from my past. Never let me sink again. Please God, don't leave me alone. Bring me along with you and enable me to fly in your love. None of that become my burden. Set me free!

Cell dinner

Yesterday, dined out with cell. Wonderful moment. I love my cell. They are caring, cozy and fun. Most importantly, they struggle in God's love just like me. I can't stop laughing the whole nite that my face mussle got so tired. I haven't been so cheerful for long. I pray for more love and care and God's grace in our cell, and everyone...

This is a week for rest. Frankly I get exhausted from this temp. I really need to off no matter what. Can't imagine if I have to go on. Anyway, sometimes I miss my classes but with good feeling. Anyway, I recieved phone call from u buddy D. He was a close friend to me and saw me through many fail relationship but never judge me for a second. Well, there are few years we haven't seem each other. Since he studied in BJ, met his gf, studied aboard in France, and started working in Idontknowwhere. Suddeny got his call, my gut told me "bad news". Well he is getting married. That's not the bad part. But asking me to be his bridemaid , it is. People I do not wanna meet will see me putting on this clowd outfit and doing awdward stuff. But do I have a choice. I can't say no! Aiya... now what I do is to keep a good form of myself. All my trousers are too small proving my overweight problem is getting serious. Well, I got time. Let's do something with it. Or.... the worst case I stand him up as usual....hehe

Birthday

This is my 30something birthday(well I don't want to remember the something part). I spent my birthday outdoor. I am blessed because I found my energy is back when I rid the bike, rowed the boat with my best friend, and flied the kite. I don't feel exhausted anymore like before. I find my health better. I am glad. Also, I am very happy to see sister and best friend on my birthday. We can all enjoy the nature, our energy and laugh around. I am glad. I think I am different and easier to be happy than before. It's good. Like I got the key of happiness. Not easy for everyone. I am glad and I hope I hold the key until I die. And I hope I can show more people how to get the key of themselves. Not only happy on birthday, Happy everyday to myself and the ones I care!

June1 the last day of my teaching. With the bad feeling of making 2 classes crying after the exam, I tried best to enjoy my last day and treasure every moment. For I am pretty sure this is the last day of my life to teach. Well, I didn't get disappointed. The teachers are very kind. P2 and P4 classes love the little present I gave them. Some drawed me cards, some sent me chocolate, some asked my email address and msn account. I was impressed and touched. On the way home, I took the bus (my auto was in hospital). I read through every gift from them and I felt so warm inside. These are extra and special gift from the above I believe. That I experience the pure heart and graceful side of human, that I have already forgot for long time. Thank you!

May29 The second last day of my teaching. I was too busy to be emotion. After all I decide anyone who just breakup with boyfriend, go teach! It occupies all your times and thoughts that no spare room for others. Anyway, this week I gotta finish music exam for 5 classes as a music panel of the school. Exam includes singing and flute playing. Well, it's impossible even for an experience teacher. But as my practice, there is no impossible in my dictionary. Ending up the pressure all goes to the kids. I was impatient when they didn't perform well or they consumed more time than I expected. Some of them cried and got hurt by my smuggle face and cruel words. O I know I know, for I am never a gentle person. Being a supervisor, I always give my colleagues hard time. But hey they are kids and of course they are incapable to handle this witch! The words they put in my mouth was what I couldn't accept. Otherwise, I realize I am always a person with anger and impatient and never considerate others feeling when I am in pressure. Still remember the trip to the states early this year, my sister got so nervous and upset that she broke her car on the way to the airport. Just because I blame her for letting us so rush for our flight. Then you can see how much pressure I can convey to people around me. Nothing to be proud of. Really gotta make a change on it.

My 1st official boyfriend, we met in college. He is tall and handsome, gentle but insist, talent and snob. There was a year I hide my feeling towards him. He always made fun of me whenever he saw me in campus. It was difficult to like such a person. The fate then brought us closer and closer. One trip, one night, one room, everyone else were asleep. Except he and I were playing psyc test from a stupid magazine. Another night, another group sleepover, he held my hand and wrote a word on my palm with his finger. First time my hand was being hold by the one I like. First love never last. After the bleezy summer, we haven't see each other. I miss him from time to time. Because it was sweet and cozy, pure and charm.

Thank you

thank you for opening my eyes,
you show me the real face of life,
now I know I am not what I think,
it's not good but I don't hate myself
because you are there always loving me.

thank you for opening my heart,
you release me from hatress,
now I start to know about love and hope,
it's not easy to love people but I won't give up,
because you are there always loving me.

thank you for connecting with me,
you feed me, teach me, comfort me, clean me up,
now I feel free and happy the way I never had,
life is still hassle but I feel hassle-free,
because you are there always loving me, holding my hand, showering me with blesses that you promised.

I skip church again. The teaching thing is too consuming physically. I get exhausted on the weekend. Feel bad about that. Or maybe it's an excuse to skip cell meeting that I came up several times in my mind. But I didn't skip pray or bible study (except this week I got a fever). I really want to keep it up with God. Nothing is gonna stop me from being with him. I am sure He is protecting me from that.

You have seen what I did to the Egyptians, and how I took you, as on eagles' wings, guiding you to myself. Exodus 19:4
He saved me to enjoy intimacy with him. Not to achieve anything for him or for myself. Sometimes we are just too slavery. Not completing something in a stage of life, we feel failure, insecure and incompleted. But He never meant that way. Above all, being at his side is the most essential. Anything move us away from that, is not from him. I was once unable to enjoy with him. Now I feel so free to feel him, talk to him and listen to him. And I am satisfied. The very first time, I am satisfied. And I never want this to be taken away. It is my wish by now.