Movie: Malena (Giuseppe Tornatore)

Beauty is a gift. If it ever becomes sin, it's only because the surroundings are full of sin - men's lust, women's hated and jealousy. Because she is alone, silent, and in grief, she becomes an easy target. Because she is different, she is being punished. In a masculine society, you'll be surprise that both men and women take advantage of this widow. Isn't it sad that women do not stand for women? Isn't it shame that men do not protect the widow from the war? Isn't it scary that not a single person can stand out and say a justice word for her? Where is the gut of truth? Where is the love and sympathy that God had put in human? There is no good intention in the whole movie except at the end of the movie, the letter the boy wrote that brought Malena and her husband back together. Dark side of human was very uncomfortable to watch. Unfortunately, it happens not only in 1940 Sicily!

I woke up today tired and period. Day started w skipping hip hop class. Then unprofessional agent called for flat seeing. I expected to finalize a trip plan with my little friend e. However, end up being ditch. So hungry so I called dad for food delivery. I didn't know it would take him one whole hour. I got mad and throw it all to him on the phone. End up being both upset and guilty and I teared on food feeling really depress and lonely. Thinking of calling off the whole afternoon church thing. Inside, it told me not to. It's right! I heard a just-in-time mesage and had a great chat w cell (who cares only 3 of us). Dad called to tell me he bought nut cracker tickets. The whole day ends with 2 french movies with roommate and nice chat about living in France. am not the one going but same level of excitement for sure! When you think you are too down to do anything, your day is about to turn around! That's what I learnt from today!

French Cine

I will miss my roommate! Finally got a companion for french movies. Able to discuss after feel so great. Today we watched a thriller by Sophie Marceau. It was a total surprise. We talked and talked while waiting for minibus. We forgot to pay and made the whole bus waiting for us chatting back there! We were talking about student life in France. I envy her to be able to do it finally. Chasing for dream is something wonderful! I will miss her!

Cousin buddies

I was gonna bring 2 cousins to body check but dr was out of town. We end up spend the whole afternoon and evening at causeway bay shopping, having tea at cafe and snacking on the street. It was really fun and relaxing! We should do that from time to time.

Pop music

Karaoke whenever I wore out. I felt open up after. For a short period. Then even more lonely. Songs attracted me are usually w strong negative emotion (I just can't tell why). Maybe that's the reason. Just read an article talking abt how Satan use pop music to interfere our subconsciousness in worshipping him. Scary! If that's true, I was cured by pop music throughout my life and I don't even know. Somehow pop has less influence to me now. But how about other stuffs like movies, parties, dances, luxury indulgence, etc. I'm different from other christians. Is these the reasons? Jesus would you give me wisdom to select so I can freely get close to you.

Waiting for a Job

Torture! waiting for a job at my favorite ngo. If I don't get any of the 2 post, I really don't know why God gave me interview. Already over a week. Chance getting lower. My heat sink deeper. My self esteem hit the bottom. I really don't know how to go on...

Friendship

Waiting for the result of a job. Feel insecure, anxious and sad. Especially in freezing days, really wanna surrounded by someone who loves me. Friendship, I got many that sometimes I don't realize. They appear when I cry for help from the inside. Some call me hello. Some welcome me to dinner. Some bring me to a nice tea buffet. Some shop around w me. Some accompany me to Jim Carrey's 3D movie. Some, thinks of me n text me. Even a caring facebook message is just what I need. In coming thanks giving, I would thank God to treat me w all these great friends. And I pray for the capacity of being one for them. Bless those in need just like I do now.

Being Single and Fabulous

Just got back from counseling class. I'm pretty encourage. Being single is v lonely and usually have no one to share with. How can we be single and fabulous at the same time?
1. God loves both singles and couples
2. Don't get too independent
3. Get used to be w couples, provide support and learn abt family from them
4. Mind free from "single"
5. Take "single" as another trail in life. No diff fr any other difficulty in life
6. Share love w children, family, those in need, friends etc to fulfill the need of loving n being loved
7. Single is a state not a stage that I don't need to get married to be completed or be mature
8. 獨身not equal to 單身. Totally unnecessary to define or label self.
9. Learn & practice dealing w intimacy
10. Live at the moment! Single girlfriends, be happy n fabulous n be prepared!

Nick Vujicic

Watched 2 Nick's talk this week. Frankly, not that impressive than expected. Cold hearted in city like HK. Not easy to please us. Well, he's only 26. He'll be better in terms of skill. He's too tired coming back n forth between hk, china. It took him much more energy than we do to give such a speech though. He kept saying he love us although I couldn't feel it. How come I find the whole thing a bit commercial? Well, God is using him to get into forbidden countries. He has the vision and he's doing it. He, president of 2 NGO, plans to raise 120 billion per year to help the needy. For that I am touch. Not by his speech but his work. Nick, keep it up! Pray for your health.

Tutoring H today. When just arrived, a severe pain from stomach hit on me. H noticed my pain. Ran out and got 2 herbal oil for me. Instructed me to apply at toilet. And pain actually gone after. He asked me when to do the check up at hospital and if any advice from his mother is required. He's a sweetheart! No wonder I love him so much even he's not smart and easy to tutor... can't get it all right! The world told us intelligent, but I say kindness win, always do!

Magic Flute in HK

My first Magic Flute opera tonight. Going w roomate. We talked abt what to wear last nite. Brought me back to 20+. We met at burger restaurant. She had veg burger. I got stomachache for weeks so I had only the meat w mushroom on salsa sauce. When we walked from Harbor city to Cultural ctr, felt the confident and fun. But when we got there we noticed the show should be 30 mins earlier. The costume looked so pretty. Melodies are familiar. The soprano queen of the night sang really great. It's funny that so many fatty on the stage. We thought only fatty get the capacity for opera singing. It was a nice cultural evening if not my stomach got stressed during and after the Flute!

I was calling F to Nick show coz I got an extra ticket. End up finding out she's in need. Her mom at hospital. The current tube work no more and they need to put another one on her other arm. F was worrying not only her condition, but financially she n her 2 bros will hire a maid for their mom since she could no longer do the regular kidney cleanup independently. We came out, shared, and started praying at ice-cream restaurant. We both felt like hugging each other when praying. We did right before we left. It was spiritually fulfilling 2 of us. Thanks God 4 letting us pray together!

Another housing issue family-wise: only this is a luxury version. Ma and v bought a house together jeopardizing their/our relationship(if there is any). Our family norm is money. Although we were brought up differently. Amazing huh! I guess the bad mother side effect was severe although we never mention. After all, I conclude greed is the sin to cause this result. Aftermath is uncontrollable. They both cracked down, exhausted, ruin... It dig out our family dark side that we've buried for years. Maybe God thinks it's time to confront w it(her). I just ask God to give v and I strength, wisdom and love. And don't let us ruin your name.

Got this pressure from family members on the issue of sis new flat. They blame me for finding such expensive flat for her. Stuck her in this financial situation. In the past, I would start blaming myself. But on this issue, I pray all the way and both m and I see God's hand all the way through. How would it be a mistake? Still I worry her pressure in finding a flatmate. But I m gonna ask God to lead.

Day out with Lars: Lars is a german I met at a guitar bar in BJ. I don't expect we would actually meet again. Six hours we talked a lot on the minibus, walking in causeway bay, at sidewalk cafe in stanley, at cha chan teng, and at a pub. There are many similar thoughts between us. It was not fun but really comfortable being with him despite my limited expression. We talked about love, travel, politics(the most we talking abt) work, dream... but there seems not to be romance. Maybe he is testing me. Maybe there's no chemistry. Dunno whatever... it's was a brilliant date though. Who care if we'll see again.

About Henry: The last time I saw him was beginning of Sept. I could see he planned the whole date carefully and I was actually moved. After our dinner, at a hotel lobby and a philippine singer, he once again asked me to choose him. I knew that was last time he asked. But I just know he was just a date. So that was it! It was in total 4 months we've been dating. He's a nice guy who inspired me a lot in relationship. I still think about him sometimes. But I wish him find his love and don't get too hurt from me.

I got 2 good news today. One is my camera has been fixed. I can send claim form in time and bring it to my trip. Second is my student K got the admission of the prestige school. I've been intensively tutoring for his school interview. His mom called me and I was so happy for them!

I got this email from sis end of May. I felt so bad that it took me more than a month to read that. She was crying out for help from me. I called her immediately. When I thought she was at work, she's at home coz it was memorial day there. Thank God for the timing. She blamed me a little and I apologized. But I was really glad that she overcame. When she told me how mom was being ridiculous to her, I was judgmental. But she told me what she'd learnt. How she prayed for her. How many supports were from church friends. God brought her through. She won with God. I regret that I couldn't support her in the most critical time. But I thank God for listening to my prayer earlier and after. Once again, nothing is in our hand but His! Give thanks to Him.

No more Tummy in September!!!

Coming back from china trip, met H yesterday. His experience in marriage always convinces me in new love angle. He reminds me when I fall in love now. Don't be too experienced. Don't think too much. Don't apply examples from friends. Try to be flexible because 3+ already make us too stubborn. Unlike 20+ who can easily adapt into someone else life style. I feel like still miles away from true love.

Finally MJ...

A sad day. Received bad news of MJ in the morning. Read a lot of his positive and negative life. Remind me of my school life. Went to spa but I was surprise how sad it made me. For the whole day, ex C kept ran into my mind. How he loved me and how he hurt me kept coming up. My heart sank. Probably because he used to like MJ. Otherwise I can't think of any other reason. Even a comedy show couldn't light up my evening. It was a sad day! I only wish it won't go on to tmr. coz tmr I need strength to fight. Will bring dad to church.

Another thanks giving. God give me this chance and great partner to visit BJ. Love him so much. Thanks for closing down schools. Thanks for Dad's bday gift a new professional camera. Well, it's pretty heavy to me but photos taken are REALLY impressed! Looking forward to build me new trip album.

God is faithful. He listen to my prayer. Lead me on every single step. I understand now a little bit more how to listen to God's voice. When I pray for God's will, he whisper in my heart. Hold my hand and draw the dot and line. What I do is to listen carefully. Trust him not doubt. Do what he whisper in my heart bit by bit. Voila! The whole picture is so beautiful! Praise him and thanks him! (experience of finding a flat for m)

Time flies fast. I will be passing most of the 30s by tomorrow. I must be more aggressive in living well. Feel like counting down from now. Family, career, purpose of life, where is my ultimate goal? At least get one hit in coming 3 years. Keep energetic, stay young, keep hoping! The most importantly, don't compare! Living up my life full and meaning. Love is what I wanna focus on. Anyway, dined w best friend and sis, nice and cozy. Drink with friends at hotel bar. Finishing with hugs at subway. I thank God for all the love. Love messages from sweet friends. Not far from my LOVE goal. Only waiting a special love one coming up pretty soon!

There is a friend same age as mine in another country. We haven't met and contact for long time. I guess since she got married. We kind of walking through diff stages together. But she always faster than me. She always chose the smarter way. If this is the end, she got what everybody wants and I got nothing. A husband, 2 kids, a nice flat of her own, a master degree from overseas and a good stable job. We used to dream together about our future. Now I felt scare to keep in touch with her. Not easy to face her. BUT... I shall not think in this way. She is my friend for all this time. No matter what happen to our lives, we re friends. At least givin her this thought to look for me in her newly open a/c at facebook. That means something! Plus, I am walking on a good track in God's eyes. I dare to be different as long as it's right! I will bravely walk on my way.... find my way out....continue my exotic life with God.

praying partner

Even though relationship doesn't work out, I feel blessed I got this prayer partner. Ideally, we pray according to psalm once a week. It s not easy to continue due to mood, work stuff, etc. However, we got gear up after each prayer. God is so real and he is so listen to our prayer. I am glad to do it because I really need it. Lately, I've been sinking into cyber again. Only this time is different that deep down there is a voice saying no to it. I ve been bad temper, refusing phone call and meet up, skipping classes even job. But then the other way is grabbing me with this church volunteer work, gathering and prayer plus sweet angels connection with me. Where else can I go? God please lead me to right track so I won't shame you. Because without you, I can do nothing!

Moody, headache, broke up message, heavy shoulders and PMS. Don't get close to me coz I can be really dangerous now. Anger, lust, guilty, loneliness are teasing me. headache headache....

Recently dating H. Not handsome, not well educated, not funny at all. Just not sure why I found it romantic when we were trapped in the cable car in the heavy mist. One second I wanted to rest my head on his shoulder. He is calculative, realistic, willing to share true feeling and enjoy controlling women. Totally not my type. But again I'm not sure why I feel comfortable talking to him for hours. Why I am somewhat moved when he be frank to me. Why I eventually am trying to fit into his request. I bet no matter what, it won't go anywhere. Because I love dream more than life. His tactic, playing hard-to-get really disgust me. I mean come on, I invented that! According to my history, it's time to ditch him. The question is, when will this pattern be changed? I am tired.

Watched 6 french movies lately. Proud of myself for still capable of understanding. It was nice to have my roommate to bought discount tickets and watched with me. Only yesterday, I watched alone the one that really upset me. It dig out something in the past and made me so sad that I could hardly cry. I was exhausted walking out of the cinema and I called F. She couldn't comfort me because she didn't know the incident. However, she gave 100% support as a good friend. Then I called J but couldn't reach her. I was wandering around the mall and got H's stood-up message. Even worse! Both past and recent relationship did not working on me. I feel like a loser. Thank God J returned the called and offered to accompany me. We went swimming and had fun at her brother's house. Having J to share with who knows my past and never look down on me really making me feel good. I bet I just need to commit the sin to God and let Him heal me.

After the trip, I find myself crazy for everything in an indian way. Indians I met in TST began to catch my attentions. The Masala I cooked in the morning .. so exotic! The movie Slumdog millionaire .. can't wait to watch it. The girls dressed in traditional indian clothes I saw in MTR were so pretty. Almost wanna go make friends with them. Just watched the atv program "slavery in india" telling us uneducated underage girls being sold as a slave, working from 4am to midnight, suffering from sex and physical abused everyday without any help. One even found in a prostitute building living with her family there. It reminds me of the faces of the poor kids at some monuments. It hooked my heart now. I wished more ppl to help the girls out and to change their mindset.

I don't like this feeling. Someone borrowed my stuff and chose to disconnect with me at the same time. I told him we should be friends and he stopped giving me call. I find it mean and no manner at all. However, what can I do. Not worth to keep a friend like that so I don't wanna give him call. I tried to online, he's there but no hello at all. No manner! Begin to worry about my stuff in his hand. I am giving him 1-2 more weeks. Or I will get it back. Next time, don't lend someone anything if he is pursuing you!

J bursted out after seeing her ex. After more than 3 mths now. She'd tried very hard that I m really proud of her. Still we women hearts are so fragile and sensitive. God has his way to heal us. For the procedure maybe painful. But Im sure we'll be stronger and healthier and know more about love. So many love going on around me. But I chose to end it right there. I pray for the right move and direction. Am I getting scared again or he s just not the one? Pls let me know..

Travel to Neverland

It's cool to be Peter Pan. Refuse to grow up with pride. Got the power to remain happy and be free to do whatever I want. Only thing to give up is incapable of loving others. I was living everyday freely and irresponsibly with lots of jealousy eyes looking at me. However, since when I figure it's no longer cool. How come the fun I got aren't enough to keep me flying? How come incapable of loving others began to irritate me? Why am I envy the grown up when they are so jealous that I can live my own way? Since when my life seems so empty behind the fest? Bible tells us love is the center of living. And hence I begin to learn to love myself and others. I know I can handle it well. Because "I believe in fairy! I do! I do!" I believe the goodness in human and the righteousness and unlimited love from the above that I can always go back to!

Benjamin Button

Life is short. But we want thing to be last. Why can't we stop asking for forever? Why can't we accept and appreciate the moment? Benjamin Button, a person who was born to live backward. That make him learn more than the others. Although he may not enjoy the happiness of growing, he surely know how to treasure every moment in life. He first learn to face life and death. Accept it and respect it. Have the courage to leave the loved one and explore the world. Love but not addicted to relationship. Never spend time on chasing after money. Know when to let go. Know when to go home. Seize the moment enjoy love and life.