May29 The second last day of my teaching. I was too busy to be emotion. After all I decide anyone who just breakup with boyfriend, go teach! It occupies all your times and thoughts that no spare room for others. Anyway, this week I gotta finish music exam for 5 classes as a music panel of the school. Exam includes singing and flute playing. Well, it's impossible even for an experience teacher. But as my practice, there is no impossible in my dictionary. Ending up the pressure all goes to the kids. I was impatient when they didn't perform well or they consumed more time than I expected. Some of them cried and got hurt by my smuggle face and cruel words. O I know I know, for I am never a gentle person. Being a supervisor, I always give my colleagues hard time. But hey they are kids and of course they are incapable to handle this witch! The words they put in my mouth was what I couldn't accept. Otherwise, I realize I am always a person with anger and impatient and never considerate others feeling when I am in pressure. Still remember the trip to the states early this year, my sister got so nervous and upset that she broke her car on the way to the airport. Just because I blame her for letting us so rush for our flight. Then you can see how much pressure I can convey to people around me. Nothing to be proud of. Really gotta make a change on it.

My 1st official boyfriend, we met in college. He is tall and handsome, gentle but insist, talent and snob. There was a year I hide my feeling towards him. He always made fun of me whenever he saw me in campus. It was difficult to like such a person. The fate then brought us closer and closer. One trip, one night, one room, everyone else were asleep. Except he and I were playing psyc test from a stupid magazine. Another night, another group sleepover, he held my hand and wrote a word on my palm with his finger. First time my hand was being hold by the one I like. First love never last. After the bleezy summer, we haven't see each other. I miss him from time to time. Because it was sweet and cozy, pure and charm.

Thank you

thank you for opening my eyes,
you show me the real face of life,
now I know I am not what I think,
it's not good but I don't hate myself
because you are there always loving me.

thank you for opening my heart,
you release me from hatress,
now I start to know about love and hope,
it's not easy to love people but I won't give up,
because you are there always loving me.

thank you for connecting with me,
you feed me, teach me, comfort me, clean me up,
now I feel free and happy the way I never had,
life is still hassle but I feel hassle-free,
because you are there always loving me, holding my hand, showering me with blesses that you promised.

I skip church again. The teaching thing is too consuming physically. I get exhausted on the weekend. Feel bad about that. Or maybe it's an excuse to skip cell meeting that I came up several times in my mind. But I didn't skip pray or bible study (except this week I got a fever). I really want to keep it up with God. Nothing is gonna stop me from being with him. I am sure He is protecting me from that.

You have seen what I did to the Egyptians, and how I took you, as on eagles' wings, guiding you to myself. Exodus 19:4
He saved me to enjoy intimacy with him. Not to achieve anything for him or for myself. Sometimes we are just too slavery. Not completing something in a stage of life, we feel failure, insecure and incompleted. But He never meant that way. Above all, being at his side is the most essential. Anything move us away from that, is not from him. I was once unable to enjoy with him. Now I feel so free to feel him, talk to him and listen to him. And I am satisfied. The very first time, I am satisfied. And I never want this to be taken away. It is my wish by now.